Author's Notes: So, um, this originally was … NOT this fic. But unequivocally over at LiveJournal was like, "Write a fic where Rachel and Puck babysit and CRAZY THINGS HAPPEN." So I wrote this really, REALLY crappy Rachel POV where her house suffered greatly but I hated it so… I erased it and wrote this instead. Which… isn't really Puck/Rachel and I'm pretty sure not what poor Shannon was looking for, but. My mind works in mysterious ways.
BABYSITTING IS HARD
by Sarah Puckerman
First of all, this is Sarah P, NOT Sarah R. Sometimes I get called Sarah R in class even though we don't look anything alike so I want to make sure that you know that I am Sarah P. Not Sarah R. Noah says that the first step to people fearing you is them knowing your name, which I think makes sense.
My paper is called BABYSITTING IS HARD because Rachel said that MY WEEKEND wasn't an eye-grabber and that winners grab eyes. I'm not really sure what that means and I'm not allowed to ask Noah questions when True Blood is on, but Rachel is the smartest person I know except for maybe my Mom. Plus she's got cool socks and I think she might be a witch because she can make my brother go to bed whenever she want to. Noah said that magic isn't real when I told him this theory, but then I said how do you explain people liking Twilight and he didn't have an answer because it's obviously black magic.
This weekend was okay. I learned the valuable lesson that babysitting is hard. I also learned that Noah speaks two languages. But mostly I learned that babysitting is hard.
First, Quinn brought over my niece, Drizzle. That's not her real name, but that's what everyone calls her, like how my brother's name is Noah but everyone calls him Puck. He says that when I get to high school people are going to call ME Puck but I say no they won't because if they do I will kick them.
Quinn didn't stay long because she had a date with Finn. I'm not jealous because I know that Finn and I can't be together until I am in high school at least. After she left, Noah took Driz unto the living room and called Rachel. She says it's because he doesn't want to change diapers but I think it's because he likes playing house. I'm not allowed to tell Rachel this theory because Noah says I Will Kill You No Seriously Sarah I Will Does It Look Like I Am Kidding.
No it does not.
Everything went fine at first because I am very good at babysitting Noah and Rachel. But it's different when the baby is there. Drizzle is just learning to walk so she falls over a lot and whenever that happens Noah starts freaking out and yelling at everyone. Then Rachel took him into the kitchen because she said that babies cognitive processes are more advanced then anyone gives them credit for. So it was just me and Drizzle.
I like Drizzle fine but she's kind of boring, because she just sits there and stares at you or tries to walk and can't. I'm pretty sure I could walk the first day I was born because I am so good at it. So I decided that since all Drizzle was doing was sitting in her special baby chair, I would build a fort. I like building forts because sometimes Noah will help me and then we'll have a big pillow fight and I win because I cheat. (Please do not tell Noah.)
Anyway, I guess I got distracted by the fort building, because when I turned around Drizzle was gone. I knew Noah was going to get mad if he noticed, so I ran upstairs and got Babydoll from my bed and put her in Drizzle's special baby chair and covered her up with a blanket. You couldn't really tell the difference from far away, so I had to of course make sure that Noah and Rachel stayed far away. To do this I locked them in the kitchen. We aren't supposed to lock doors in our house but I decided to just pretend it was an accident. My Mom says not to lie but Noah says lying is okay as long as nobody finds out.
After I put Babydoll in the chair as a diversion (that's Rachel's Word of the Day, and it means to make people confused), I went off in search of Drizzle. I didn't think that she could have gotten far but she's very fast for a baby. Luckily she's also not very good at covering her tracks and had pooped on one of Mom's tennis shoes. I am very good at it. I earned a Girl Scout badge in wilderness survival, which Noah says is for lesbians but I don't know what that means. Rachel always hits him when he says that and says that she was a Girl Scout. Then Noah says that she's just proved his point and then she hits him again.
Rachel hits Noah a lot. He calls it four play, but there are only two of them so I think he's been skipping his math classes again. Mom was mad when she found out that he hadn't been going to math, but he said he was trying to set a record at McKinley and that parents shouldn't stand in the way of their children's dreams. Then she grounded him, which means you have to leave by the windows instead of by the front door. It seems like a weird way to get mad at somebody, but Noah said if I asked Mom about it he would sell me on Ebay. I don't think he can do that but I'm not sure.
Anyway, I followed Drizzle's trail into the dining room. She had gotten a hold of one of Noah's textbooks from the garbage pile and chewed on it; there was really gross spit and drool all over the pages. Luckily Noah doesn't use books so I don't think he's even going to notice.
Since she wasn't in the dining room anymore, I followed the path of drool back through the bathroom. Noah keeps a pack of cigarettes hidden under the sink, and either Rachel is trying to get Noah to quit again or Drizzle had found them and broken them all up. I got out of there fast because I know what Noah does when someone messes with his stuff, especially stuff that he says is secret.
In our bathroom there are two doors so you can walk all the way through and get back to the living room. Drizzle's path of drool led back towards there so I kept walking. Luckily, she was sitting in my fort and chewing on Noah's Special Grass. He keeps it in a paper bag, and I don't know how she got it. I think the grass is like a Chia pet because Noah is very careful with it and even gave it a name, Miss Mary J. I don't know what the J stands for but I think it would be pretty if it was Jane. Mary Jane is a kind of shoe that Rachel wears all the time.
Puck is very protective of his chia pet, so I took Miss Mary J from Drizzle and put it on the counter where she couldn't reach it. She had gotten really sleepy all of a sudden, which I think must have been a result of all her crawling around, so I put her back in her special baby chair and unlocked the kitchen door. When I went in, Puck was holding Rachel up and she had her eyes closed like she was sleeping but was making all these weird noises.
When I asked what they were doing they both got very red and jumped away from each other. There was a really long silence so I went back into the living room and hung out in my fort. After a while Rachel crawled in and said, Sarah, I Know You Might Be Confused About What You Saw.
I said Yeah But Noah Always Does Weird Things.
She said Noah And I Have A Secret Language We Like To Use To Tell Secrets. We Use Our Bodies To Talk So No One Can Overhear Us.
Can I Ask You A Question? I said.
She said Of Course.
Then I asked, Why Don't You Just Whisper?
Rachel got very uncomfortable for a moment, but then Noah came in holding Drizzle and said You Did A Good Job Frog Licker, which is the nicest thing he's ever said to me so I figured he was worried I could understand his secret language. I liked him thinking that because it meant that he didn't think he could keep secrets from me so I smiled at him and said I Am Not A Frog Licker You Are A Frog Licker.
Then he handed Drizzle to Rachel and let me sit on his lap while we watched SNL THE BEST OF STEVE MARTIN. It is Noah's favorite movie but I only like the part where he dresses like a girl and sings about a King named Tut. Tut is a funny name for a king or for anybody.
Rachel says that papers should have an Introduction, a Body, and a Conclusion. I introduced myself and the body was the part about me finding Drizzle so now I will say that in conclusion, I learned that babysitting is hard and that my brother can speak a secret language. One day I would like to learn it so that I can tell secrets, too.
When I told that to Rachel, she said that if I was anything like my brother then I would be very good at this language. I am going to be just like him when I grow up except that I will not have a mohawk.
Oh, and also, please do not tell my Mom about any of the things I said about Noah because then I will get in trouble. Thank you.