Dementors? In Little Whinging?


Grabbing his cousin he did the only thing he could do: he ran.

'Stupid! Stupid! Why on earth did I leave my wand at home?!' he mentally berated himself, 'and why does Dudley have to be so damn SLOW!'

"Hurry up Dudley!" Harry cried.

"But I... I Can't go... much further," Dudley replied, between huffs.

Practically dragging his cousin, Harry tried to outrun the beasts, but he could feel it getting colder and colder. "Damn it Dudley, do you want to die!" he exclaimed.

Needing a second to draw air into his lungs, Dudley then asked, "Die?! What are those things--"

Tripping on his big feet, Dudley fell like a brick -- dragging Harry along with him. The big oaf hit is head on the hard pavement knocking himself unconscious.

Groaning under the weight of Dudley's obese frame, Harry looked up in horror. Dementors! Trying desperately to push his hefty cousin aside, he could do nothing but flail helplessly as the monster knelt down for a kiss...


Sitting behind her desk, Amelia Bones lazily sipped her cup of tea. She had not been having the best of summers; after that tri-wizard fiasco, the ministry had been involved in a virtual tug of war between Dumbledore and that moron Fudge and his associates. She had not been forced to take sides yet, but it was clear that if she did anything to support the headmaster she would lose her job.

Left with that pleasant thought, she took another sip of her tea and let out a loud sigh. Lifting her hand for another mouthful, she was interrupted by her door slamming open.

"Dementor attack! In Little Whinging!" shouted a rather fresh auror.

Jumping to her feet, Amelia shouted for a few aurors as backup, and sprinted towards the nearest apparition point in near record time.


Looking at the scene before her she let out a sigh. They'd been too late. Far too late.

Everywhere around her hinted to the presence of Dementors: The grass was wilted at the side of the road, a nearby puddle of water was frozen solid on a warm summer day, and of course the two soulless bodies lying on the pavement.

She knelt down to look at the two bodies.

The first boy was rather... large. Blond hair and a round belly. 'Likely a muggle,' she thought.

The second boy though, he looked all too familiar. Short and thin frame with green eyes, dark messy hair, and a jagged scar on his forehead. He just laid there; staring up at the sky.

Taking one last look at the boy, she then turned to one of her subordinates, and barely whispered, "Harry Potter has been kissed."


Entering the office, much past her shift, she practically collapsed into her chair. The media had gotten wind of the attack shortly after she left, and within hours, the death -- because that is what the kiss ultimately amounted to -- of the boy-who-lived.... to-die was front page news across the wizarding world.

A couple rogue dementors was the official ministry stance, but that just couldn't be right.

Why Harry Potter? Why would a pair of rogue dementors decide to leave askaban, fly hundreds of miles to the place where Harry Potter lives, kiss him of all the thousands of people in the area, and then fly all the way back to the prison?

A terrifying thought crossed her mind and she could barely stomach it. Political assassination?

Only three people in the entire ministry had the ability to control dementors: The minister, his Senior Under-Secretary, and the azkaban warden.


She quickly rushed to the hall of records. If this was indeed political assassination, then speed was of importance.

No politician with any experience would leave a paper trail that would lead to their arrest, but dementor access left magical documents, and the minister and his subordinates had been playing media control all day. They may have been left with their pants down here.

Finding the correct folder, she scanned the most recent additions and almost dropped the file in shock.

8:34AM
Delores Umbridge, Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister of Magic

Two Dementors to Little Whinging.

Looking at the folder, all she could do was stare. It was one thing to suspect a conspiracy, but this... this was murder.

Grabbing the folder, she left the corridor and floo-called the only person she could think of to help


Dozens of grumpy wizards and witches stumbled into the Wizengamot, complaining as they went.

"Who in their right mind calls a session at this time of night!" complained an old and overweight wizard, "I had just laid down for the night!"

Emergency sessions of the Wizengamot were rare; Less than 1 or 2 a year, but ones at two in the morning were normally limited to wartime. Wizards and Witches enjoyed their sleep, and they were angry and wanted someone to blame.

Dear old Albus knew this and was hoping for a witch-hunt, and he had just the witch.

"Order! Order! I now bring this emergency session of the Wizengamot to session!" Albus bellowed, "Are all members accounted for?"

Just then a few stragglers stumbled in. Fudge and his entourage.

"If everyone would be seated, a grave offense has been committed, and we are here to rectify the situation and apply justice!"

A few murmurs went through the crowd.

"And this couldn't have waited until the morning, Chief Warlock?" Minister Fudge practically snarled.

He had been trying all summer to discredit and otherwise marginalize Albus, but had failed at the previous session to ouster the man.

"No, it most certainly could not, Minister," replied the man, all appearance of his grandfatherly charm evaporating in that moment. "I bring forth evidence proving the murder of Harry James Potter!"

Cries of outrage echoed across the chamber. Others shouted, "Proof! We want proof!"

"This is preposterous! Potters getting kissed, while tragic, was the result of a terrible accident! There was no murder! You have obviously lost all that was left of your questionable sanity!" yelled the Minister. Cheers were heard from his corner, while other witches and wizards in another corner were still shouting "Proof!"

"SILENCE!" the Chief Warlock shouted, magic amplifying his voice, and suddenly quieting the boisterous crowd, "I call forward Delores Umbridge to stand on the charge of murder by dementor's kiss!"

A horrified look quickly crossed the face of the Senior Under-Secretary before she calmed her face. Most missed the look, but Albus saw, and at that moment knew he had his woman.

"Lies! Lies! I would never do any such thing!" She shrieked, "This is clearly an underhanded plot to discredit the ministry!"

"You will stand for charges, or you will be brought using force." he calmly stated. She shook her head rather forcefully. Albus then nodded in the direction of Amelia.

"Aurors, escort Madam Umbridge to the floor." Amelia ordered.

Attempting to keep the last of her dignity, the toad rose and slowly descended the stairs to the center of the chamber.

"I object! As Minister of Magic I demand that this farce is ended now!" shouted the clearly flustered man. He stomped his foot to appear as if in control, but he in fact looked like a child in the midst of a tantrum.

Looking towards the minister, Albus spoke, "You need to brush up on your parliamentary procedure, Minister. The Wizengamot is in control of criminal matters, and you are not a member of this body at this time. I must kindly ask you to refrain from undermining my authority in this matter." Albus replied, "For while you may be the Minister of Magic, I am the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot."

Turning to the toad of a woman he asked, "Madam Umbridge, do you require the services of a solicitor?"

"I most certainly do not!" she shouted, "I have done nothing wrong!"

Hiding a small smile, Albus then asked, "Very well, as Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister of Magic you do have access to dementors, correct?"

"Well, yes but..."

"Did you send the two dementors to Little Whinging yesterday morning?" he asked quickly.

"No! Of course not!"

"Ladies and gentlemen of the Wizengamot, I will now be inserting the hall of records file detailing dementor orders," said the man, taking the file out from below his podium, "This file holds records for all access to dementors within the last month. I will be labeling this as prosecution exhibit A," waiting a beat to calm the murmurs, the headmaster then continued, "This file proves without a shadow of a doubt, that at 8:34AM yesterday morning Madam Umbridge ordered two dementors to Little Winging in order to kiss Harry Potter."

Turning back to the woman, Albus asked, "Do you refute these claims?"

"Lies! These are utter lies!" She yelled in a shaky voice.

"Under article 2-5 of the 1654 treaty for the Ministry of Nagic, I call for a vote to allow veritaserum in questioning the accused!" he bellowed, "Article 2-5 clearly states that the Wizengamot reserves the right to question under veritaserum when ministry records do not match the verbal accounts in a felony case, given that the majority of the Wizengamot votes to allow"

Waiting to allow the voices to disperse he then said, "I call a vote to allow veritaserum!"

Standing from his seat minister Fudge then bellowed, "I order this session of the Wizengamot to a close!"

"You have no authority over this body Minister. Stand down, or you will be removed," said the headmaster in a firm voice.

The minister then sat rather grudgingly.

"All the yay's, cast your vote," he said. Tallying the votes he then said, "And the nay's?" after a moment, he looked up from the tally sheet and said, "Motion is passed, 55-26. Auror's, administer the veritaserum."

At that moment the toad attempted to flee, and was brought down with a stunner. The aurors made quick work, and in less then a minute she was disarmed, bound and administered the proper dosage. She was then re-enervated.

"As Chief Warlock, only I will ask the questions." he said, "What is your full name?"

"Delores Jane Umbridge"

"What is your occupation?"

"I am the Senior Under-Secretary to the Minister of Magic"

"Did you send the dementors that attacked and kissed Harry James Potter?"

After a small pause where she was obviously attempting to fight the potion, she then said, "Yes"

Gasps then filled the chamber, and Fudge looked incensed.

"Why did you decide to have Harry Potter kissed?"

"The Minister and I decided that he was too much of a political obstacle, so we decided it was best if he no loner had a chance to speak against the ministry."

"Was the minister aware of this attack beforehand?"

"Yes."

"He did nothing to stop the aforementioned attack?"

"No, he encouraged it."

At this moment a loud scuffle was heard as the Minister attempted, and failed, to escape the chamber.


It didn't take much more than that. The minister was removed from office, and ironically enough both he and his little pink friend were sentenced to the dementor's kiss as punishment.

Given Delores' appearance, it was likely the very first and very last kiss she'd ever had.


If she had chosen practically any other method of murder, she may have continued a nice long ministry career.

But then again, Wizards are stupid.


AN: Fun to write, and I hope you all enjoyed reading. This will be only one of many one-shots exploring the stupidity of Wizardingkind.