Only Because I Screw It
I woke up at 5:36. The faint light from the alarm clock lit up my room. It almost made what I was doing eerie. I packed my clothes into a trash bag. You would think that the time I've spent here I would have at least brought a suitcase from home, but apparently I didn't think of that. Apparently I didn't think about how noisy a trash bag would be in a dead silent house. I also didn't think about how Carlisle leaves work at this time.
And I was looking him dead in the eye. My eyes were full of anxiety and his were, well, perplexed. I shifted my feet and hoisted the trash bag further on my back. I stayed quiet and looked to the ground.
"Isabella? What are you doing?" He sounded worried. Like he actually cared about me.
And I felt guilty because I never thought of him. I only thought about Edward. And how much he despised me. "Carlisle." I didn't know what to say. What would I say? That I was going to skip town, return to my home where my abusive father's wife is trying to find me, and somehow last living in a house where no one is looking out for you? He'd never let me leave.
I didn't say anything. I was honestly choked up.
He put down his bag and walked up to me, "You're leaving?"
I shifted again, "Yeah." I finally looked up at him. Stupid move on my part. His eyes had something in them. It was an emotion that I couldn't pick out.
I could see him trying to understand why I was trying to do what I was doing. "I don't understand, Isabella. Are you not happy here? I thought…"
I cut him off, "I have to do this, Carlisle."
"But I thought you said that you were going to get your life situated?"
Harshly I stated, "I am." A little too harsh. I didn't look at him. Even though right now I was certain I needed to leave this house, I couldn't fight the fact that Carlisle actually cares about me. He has done nothing but care for me and I shouldn't' be mean to him.
"Leaving a perfectly stable home to go to a place where you don't know who will be there the next day isn't a beneficial trade-off. If you ask me, I think it's stupid. You have everything you need here. I'm not saying that your family is bad for you. Think about it, where will you be the happiest?"
I sighed, "Carlisle."
He didn't stop talking, "Where will you be able to actually be you? You're a great girl, Isabella, but going back to a place where drugs is a popular past time is not what's going to get you anywhere."
He was being harsh. Blunt. Judgmental. Everything that would make me listen. He was right. If I continued living at Charlie's, I would be doing weed every day. I would maybe move up to heroin if Jay would return to the house. I would most likely become a bum on the streets. And it sucks to know that I would turn out like that and Lenny wouldn't.
Because he's good like that. He'd be able to smoke as much weed as he wants and still be able to get into an honors college while I would be struggling to graduate high school. And Carlisle sees that. So I guess in a way he's saving me.
I let out the breath I was holding in. "I'll stay."
A small smile crept on his face. "Thank you. I'm only this way to you because I know you're better than what you make yourself out to be."
"I know," I started to turn around to go back upstairs. He picked up his bag and opened the front door, "I want to see you in this house when I get home. I don't need another run-away." He chuckled and walked out the door.
I dragged my bag up the stairs and threw it on the bed. I threw myself on the bed, as well. If I'm going to be staying here, what am I going to tell Lenny? What about my stuff at the house? I'm going to need it. The letter. I need to get it soon before Lenny gets rid of it.
I sighed and rolled over. I have to do so much.
All I could think of the entire day was the letter at my house. Or my old house. What did it say? What was it about? What was the lady doing there? How did she even know?
After school I told Edward that he didn't need to drive me home. He shrugged with disinterest as always and got into his car. He's such an ass. What do girls see in him?
I walked over to Alec for my much needed dose of sunshine. He engulfed me in a large hug. I hadn't seen him all day and his scent will always be like Christmas morning to a little kid.
I kissed him on the lips, "Hey, boy."
He sighed and smiled, "Let me get a little more of that." He leaned in but I pushed him away laughing.
"You're too much! Can you do me a favor?"
He leaned back, "Depends on what it is…"
I leaned against his car, "I was wondering if you'd be able to drive me to my old house so I could get a couple things and drop me off at home?"
He shrugged, "It's not like I have anything better to do. Get in." He waved to his friends that were scattered about the area and started to reverse out. "Where are we going?"
"Out west…" I waited for him to snicker. Everyone knows west of this town is where the drug dealers lurk at night. Where there's an influx of teenage pregnancies. An influx of stupidity. Call it what you want. The ghetto. The slums.
"The boonies?" Or that. The boonies.
I looked out the window, "Yeah."
He seemed in a joking mood, "Damn, I never knew you were tough."
I shrugged, "I told you I had it rough."
He laughed again. Each chuckle that flew out of his mouth angered me even more. Sure my home may not be in the safest part of town and I'm sure as hell know it isn't in Edward's stuck up little neighborhood, but it's still my home. I don't need anyone making fun of me for that, no matter who you are.
Alec looked over at me, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make fun."
I shrugged, "It happens."
He picked up my hand and kissed, "No, really, I shouldn't have done that."
I gave him a small smile. The rest of the ride was just me giving directions. I was thinking too much about what was to come. Seeing Lenny. Telling Charlie. Like that drunk would ever care. Finding the letter.
We pull up to my house and I get out of the car, "You stay out here. I'll be back in a few minutes."
He nodded and I walked up to the front door. Charlie's car was there and I wasn't sure if Lenny was inside or not. I'd just have to be prepared if he was. I skipped over ringing the doorbell and walked around out back. I jumped over the fence and tried to climb over a couple of old tires to open the old screen door. It reeked of pure weed when I opened the back door. The kitchen was empty with used plates and bowls filling the sink and counters. The house looked worse than I remembered. I quietly jogged upstairs to my room to get a bag to stuff my clothes in. Anything and everything that was mine I tried to find. My plan was to gather what I needed first and then look for the letter.
I grabbed a couple of Lenny's CDs from his bed and I saw it. It was poking from between a box of cereal and a book on the window seal. You could tell the letter was legit. It had engraved writing on the front.
It confused me as to why just my name was on the front but I had no time. I heard shuffling from the next room and I saw him in the doorway.
And a girl.
"Isabella, what are you doing here?"
I assessed the situation. I could make up a story or I could turn it back on him. Number two, please.
"God, Lenny, have some decency!" I gestured towards the girl who was obviously drugged up. Most likely LSD. She looks like an LSD type of girl.
Lenny turned around and shooed the girl, "I told you to stay in there!"
The girl mumbled and stumbled back into the room. I stuff the envelope into one of my bags and started to make my way to the door.
"I'd really like to stay and chat, but I have to go."
Lenny's head snapped back to me and he blocked the door, "Whoa, you just got here!"
"I wanted to come back…" He automatically knew where I was going with this.
He started shaking his head, "You're not leaving."
I stared back at him and slowly watched him get angry.
"Are you stupid? Why would you want to stay with them? Why would you want to stay with some rich pricks than your own family, Isabella?"
"Lenny, you don't understand."
He wasn't having it, "No, I understand. It's that boy isn't it?" I tried to interrupt him, but obviously he was too busy with jumping to ridiculous conclusions. "Or maybe it's all the fancy shit that they give you? If it's so good there then why are you here? Why were you…"
"Would you shut the fuck up for one second?" My screaming shut him up. "I can't believe you would even think that I would like being there more than here. You're my fucking brother. How could you just write me off like that? Some fucking blood you are. Dismissing me without even letting me get a say. I would never do something like that to you. Calm your tits. I just wanted to borrow some of your CDs." I showed him the CDs I took. I shook my head and shoved myself past him. I was about to open the door when I heard him call after me.
"Isabella, don't do it." His voice sounded different. It was angry, frustrated. He sounded desperate. I've only heard him like this once before and that was when he was begging Kenneth to stop.
I turned around, "Don't do what?"
"Don't contact her."
I had to back track to realize that he knew I took the letter. "Why not?"
"Why the fuck would you want to? Are you fucked up in the head?"
I started feeling attacked, "No, I'm not. Stop talking down to me. I'm not the bitch you have upstairs."
He lowered his voice, "You're acting like her."
My head unconsciously cocked to the side, "Don't you dare say that to me again. You have some way of showing me that you want me to stay!"
He sarcastically laughed, "I could slap that bitch right upside the head and she'd still crawl back to me."
I rolled my eyes, "That's because you give her drugs."
"I could choke her and the second I stop she'd be moaning for me to put my hands back on her."
Lenny stepped right in front of me. I didn't like when he got like this. I could tell he wasn't sober, but he wasn't mentally gone either. "Lenny, stop."
"Kenneth touched you in ways no man should ever do to a woman and he did that to a child." He looked into my eyes, "Oh, look, you're squirming to hear from him again."
Boom. Headshot. He was right in so many cruel ways. I fucking hate him for that. I didn't want to be around him anymore. I wanted to cry.
And I don't fucking cry.
"Don't talk to me." I opened the door and I knew I had to get this off my chest so I turned back to him. "It's funny because you tell me that I'm your blood. You tell me that you care about me, but obviously for some fucked up reason you don't act like it. I'm at his house for a reason! Staying in this shit will get me as far as that bitch upstairs. Whoring with bum guys for a little dope. You don't care about me."
I walked out the door and head straight for Alec's car. I got in the car and heard Lenny call out, "Then don't fucking come back!"
I shut the door and I tried to steady my breathing. I was about to apeshit. I wanted to go back into the house and rip everything apart just to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him. I tried to bite my lip to distract me from what was happening.
Alec started the car. He didn't say anything to me until we were in the driveway of my house.
I feel so bad for Alec. He has no clue what is going on. I'm pretty sure he has no idea what to say to me. How would I react to a girl nearly hyperventilating in my car? To be honest, I wouldn't even put myself in that situation, but if I was forced into that situation then I'd walk away. I'd no nothing. I can admire Alec for that. He cares and caring is something that I blatantly suck at.
I did what I know best. "Alec, I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk." I shut him out.
"You can talk to me. Trust me."
I opened the door, "Thank you for the ride. You didn't have to do this for me."
While gathering my bags I tried not to look at him. "But I wanted to. I'll call you tonight."
"I will." My eyes unfortunately met his. The amount of compassion in his eyes made me want to puke. I can feel myself reverting already. Reverting to the cold-hearted bitch I thought I got rid of.
I closed the door and stormed into the house. Carlisle was in the living room with Alice. They were talking, I guess. I must've looked like shit because Alice's eyes widened.
"Isabella," Carlisle tried to say more but he just stopped.
What the fuck is up with everyone saying my name? Isabella. Isabella. Isabella. Don't fucking say my name.
"Have you been smoking?"
Apparently the smell from my house was all over my bags because I sure as hell know haven't been smoking. If I had then I wouldn't be all riled up like I am.
"No, it's a long story."
I heard Edward from inside the kitchen, "Why does it smell like weed? Alice, did you finally convert to…" He stopped mid-sentence once he walked through the arch and saw me. "Damn." Even though he said it under his breath, I could still hear him.
I tried to stab him with my eyes but I guess I haven't perfected my skill because he was still standing there. Unharmed.
I walked away from him but he called me back, "What?" I snapped.
"Tell me what happened." He didn't give me a choice. I looked around at Alice and Edward. Carlisle must be crazy to think I'm going to speak with Dickward in the room.
But he gave me no choice. "Today, Isabella."
I rolled my eyes, "It's nothing! My house is just flooded with weed and scumbags. What's new?" My voice came out hurt, annoyed, and frustrated. You could tell I was near my breaking point.
Carlisle didn't say anything for awhile, but what he said next almost pushed me over. I say almost because I was standing there in shock and not flipping tables. "Edward, go help Isabella unpack."
I turned and thought about his reaction to what Carlisle ordered of him. His face didn't reveal any emotion. Maybe because he doesn't care. I walked up to my room and closed the door, but Edward stopped the door before it closed and walked in.
I couldn't help but sigh and throw my hands up in the air, "You don't have-." My voice cracked.
He walked up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulder. I feverishly shook his hands off. "Get off me!"
He backed up, "I'm not trying to come on to you. I'm trying to prevent you from having a panic attack."
I shook my head, but he kept on talking.
"Look at you. You're panting like a race horse and you haven't stopped wringing your bracelet since you've walked into the house."
I glanced down at my wrist and found my hand placed on my bracelet. I backed away from him towards my bags. "Just…unpack" I could barely speak without my voice cracking. I bit my lip trying not to cry. I tried so hard, but I didn't try hard enough.
I wiped my eyes and continued taking things out of my bag. CDs, clothes, even books made the situation worse. I throw a book away from me in anguish. I can't stop from thinking about the things that Lenny said to me. He's never that hurtful. And now you have no family.
I hear Edward whisper, "Isabella." I could faintly see him walk over and soon enough I feel his arms wrap around me. I only stay in his arms because I'm unable to get out. I have no control over my body and I collapse into him. I begin uncontrollably crying. I don't know if this is from Lenny. Or Kenneth. Both of them together probably did the trick. Edward supported me while he walked us over to some tissues.
He sat me on the bed, "You need to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Isabella, this is for your own good." I finally listened to him. And I was getting better. "Good, that's better." Minutes later, I'm better. Not fully calm, but calm enough that I'm not going to give myself a heart attack.
I looked up at him, "How did you know what to do?" I continued to wipe my tears.
"I've had my share of panic attacks." He walked over to the bags again. He picks up my clothes and turns back to me, "Do you want these washed?"
I nodded, "You've had panic attacks?" Somewhere in the back of my head, I heard a voice saying don't get too curious..to stay cautious.
He stopped, "Yeah, a while back." He dropped down to pick up another shirt that he had missed.
"Why did you get them?" He let out an agitated exhale. I couldn't tell if it was from me since he was getting up at the same time.
"I don't want to tell you why." He walks out of the room in a rush and I stare through the door frame. I continue to unpack. For now, I've decided that I'm not going to open the letter.
Or…I should at least wait until I'm stable.
Chapter 15 is here. It has taken forever but it's here. Same as always I'm busy with school. This story should be finished by this summer.
I'm keeping this story in Bella's POV and here and there in Edward's POV. It'd be too much work for me to do both for every chapter, although it would be nice.