A/N: This is a companion to the argument between Jasper and Edward in Chapter 9 form Japser's POV…I thought it was important for you guys to know what he was thinking.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the dream of belonging to Mr. Whitlock too…SM own the rest.
A huge thanks to OnTheTurningAway who stayed online with me last night for a few hours while she helped me get the errors fixed...she is quickly becoming a wonderful friend.
My heart was pounding hard in my chest and I tried to get my breathing back under control. Edward's body splayed out on top of mine felt so perfect, so right. Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to hold him for a few more seconds before I let reality make it's way back into our lives.
Did that really just happen? Did we just...
Looking up at my beautiful boy, I watched the beads of sweat that glistened and slowly rolled down his neck.
Yes we did. Not smart...time to get up.
I held my breath for a moment, trying to get his smell out of my head. He needed to get off of me, now.
"Edward..." I rasped, releasing the breath I was holding.
"Come on, let's get cleaned up." Pushing him off of me slowly, I gingerly sat up. The mess in my pants was wet and cold and I did not need it traveling any further.
My eyes were absorbing all the details of Edward's beautiful features. I wanted to remember the way he looked at that moment. He was sexy as hell when he was all disheveled. My hands had wreaked havoc in his hair and his face was flushed and covered with a fine sheen of sweat. Sliding my eyes down his frame, I froze.
Why were his fucking shoes on? He took them off before we went to bed. Was he going to leave before the alarm went off?
My head couldn't wrap itself around the idea that he was going to leave. Why would he leave when we had gotten our shit sorted? Didn't he understand that nights like this were never going to happen again? At least not until he graduated and we were allowed to be together.
"Were you going to leave?" I asked. The pain and confusion I felt came through in my voice.
"Yes," he whispered guiltily. He wouldn't even look me in the eye.
Shoving him back a little further, I pointed next to me where we had just screwed through our clothes. "Then what the fuck was that?" I was so pissed and his face was a picture of shock.
"I only meant to kiss you goodnight and leave quietly. I was going to write you a note.."
Shoving him all the way off of me, I spat, "A fucking note, Edward? Are we back in elementary school? Were you going to put a check yes or no box?" Having passed furious about thirty seconds ago, I bypassed him for the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me. I tore the clothes off my body and stripped out of my wet boxers. After I threw them all in the hamper, I grabbed a washcloth and wet it so I could scrub myself clean.
There was no rhyme or reason as to why I was so mad at him, but all of the emotions of the past few days had finally taken their toll on me. My body had been on a crazy roller coaster. I had gone from happy to devastated to apprehensive to terrified to aroused; the list could go on forever. After our talk last night I really felt that things were going in the right direction, not that things were perfect, but at least we could be in the same room together without a fight.
The worst part of the whole situation was the fact that I couldn't even tell him how I felt. It was impossible for me at that moment. In the first place, if I told him how I truly felt, opened myself up to him fully, there would be no way for me to hide the love in my eyes every time I saw him. It would give us away. When I loved, it was with all my heart and soul. I had only been in love once and it nearly killed me. That brought me to the second reason I couldn't say anything, I was afraid. The terror at letting someone get that close to me ever again was daunting. Felix broke my faith in love long before we ever broke up. My heart had shattered the first time I knew he was unfaithful but I kept going back for more until there was nothing of me left. When that relationship ended I was nothing but a shell of the person I was before I met him.
Of course Edward was nothing like Felix. There was absolutely no comparison, but I was still hesitant none the less to break down the final barrier that I had built to protect myself. The problem was that Edward deserved to be told. He was so innocent and pure, he hadn't been tainted by the real world yet. Why he wanted me, I didn't know. I was damaged and had lost a part of my soul long ago that I would never get back. If this worked out in the end and he stayed with me, I was afraid he would lose part of his too.
"Jasper," he called through the door. "Are you going to stay in there all day?" Hearing his voice reminded me how angry I was at him for trying to leave while I was sleeping. My whole body tensed with fury.
A fucking note!
I really had no desire to see him right now. He had set us two steps back with that little attempted dissappearing act. Slipping on my lounge pants and turning on the faucet to wash my hands I yelled, "Get the fuck out and leave me a god damn note while you're at it."
I stayed in the bathroom a few minutes longer so he could get the hell out of my house. If I saw him again before I cooled down I might say something I would later regret and I really didn't want to hurt him any more than I already had. My temper was a weakness of mine. When I lost it, I lost it and it was gone.
After a few minutes of silence, I stuck my head out and saw him sitting on my fucking bed.
Lovely, Edward...Why don't you remind me of what just happened on that bed by planting your beautiful fucking ass there?
"Why are you still here?" I grumbled. He was supposed to be gone.
Walking out, I headed over to my dresser and grabbed a shirt to slip on.
"I didn't want to leave while you were mad," he said matter of factly.
"No, you would rather leave when I was asleep. What the fuck happened, Edward? I thought things ended better last night and we were past all the running and hiding." It really hurt that he was going to leave, it was like a kick in the nuts. We had to hide from the world, but not from each other and if he had left, it would have been like he was hiding from me.
Sitting down in the chair, I waited for an answer. I just couldn't look at him yet, so I stared at the ground instead.
"I couldn't sleep, so I figured I would go home and leave you a ...letter that said we needed to have that talk." His voice was so calm, so smooth and it started do diminish my anger. He had an amazing effect on me.
The thing is, I would never be able to leave him while he slept. If all we had was that night to lay next to each other, I would savor each second I had him in my arms. If he supposedly loved me, wouldn't he want that too?
"Did you really think it would do us any good if you slunk out of here in the middle of the night without telling me first? And what about what happened in the bed? Did you mean to do that?"
How did it happen anyways? It was like the perfect beginning to a hot sex dream and ended live...it was mind-blowing.
He put his head down and barely whispered the words that hit me like a freight train.
"No, I didn't.
Sucking in a deep breath, I looked at my beautiful boy and softly sighed, "No?"
He was gnawing his lower lip and almost afraid to look at me. He let that lower lip go so he could pierce me a little bit more with his words.
"No. I was only going to kiss you and go."
Fucking great, not only was it stupid on my part to fall asleep with him, but we had a dry fuck fest and he didn't even intend to do it?
I was so confused right now, he was all over the place and he didn't even know what he wanted, or so it seemed.
"Then what...was it just...I think I need you to go, Edward." I needed to clear my head of everything Edward right now. Him being confused about what he wanted would not bode well for my future, of that I was certain.
Then he broke the silence with whispered words that started to chip away at the wall.
"When I kissed you and your mouth opened up, I couldn't stop. When I touch you I can't stop myself, I'm sorry."
Shit, he is so fucking beautiful and sexy...he makes me come undone at the seams with just the sound of his voice.
"I should have stopped, Edward...but fuck, I was half asleep." Not that I would take back that moment for anything now.
He finally met my eyes with his fiery jade ones and we just gazed while the current sizzled in the air between us. It was a powerful thing to be surrounded by.
My eyes dropped to his full, crimson lips as the words "I love you" were silently expressed by them.
Fuck. Did he know what hearing those words did to me? He deserved better than I could offer him right now.
I was a selfish man when it came to what was mine and that beautiful boy was made for me and me alone.
Reaching for his hands, I pulled him up with me and hugged him to my body. He really was a perfect fit. We couldn't be like this again, together and alone where we could possibly make more mistakes that would lead us down the wrong path.
"You can't come over here again, you know that, right?" I groaned into his hair. It was hell to hold him this close and feel what I felt for him. It took everything in me not to slowly remove every bit of his clothing and worship his body from head to toe as I made love to him. One day I would show him how it felt, that strong connection only cemented by the physical act of love as well, but now was not the time. We had to wait. It was not going to be easy for me. I was a man who needed sex occasionally and since I met Edward, I had put the brakes on that. Now it would feel like I was cheating on him even though nothing was really settled yet. I already felt like I strayed with Seth.
He nodded his head and talked into my shirt, it was difficult to hear him.
"I really need to talk to you though. I need some answers from you, please?" He sounded almost desperate to get this done and I was scared. Sometimes it felt like our roles were reversed. I was supposed to be the strong one, the one who wanted a plan laid out for what we should do. Yet here he was, demanding answers to questions that I knew would make me uncomfortable.
If it was what he needed, I would give it to him. I would give him just about anything he wanted, he held the key to unlocking the darkest chamber of my heart and he had no clue he held that kind of power over me.
Dropping my arms from around him, I said, "Tomorrow, after school. We can drive to Port Angeles in seperate cars and meet somewhere to talk. Can you do that?"
Looking at my chest, he nodded, "Yes, I can do that." Then, his eyes flew up to mine, holding me in place with the power of their emerald stare.
"Do you have nothing to say when I tell you that I love you?" His eyes started to flood with tears and I couldn't look anymore or I would throw myself at his feet and tell him everything I felt; everything I knew he needed to hear.
Knowing it would hurt him, I still turned my back to him. What he would never know, was that the pain it caused me to do so was enough to drown me. I was in agony and all I could say was," We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"
My body was on fire and I wanted to throw something, anything...again! I wanted to turn him around and beg him for forgiveness for continually causing him pain, but I couldn't.
He called out to me as he left that he would see me the next day and although I knew it was killing him, I couldn't say a word or even look at him. If I did, he would understand how deeply I felt and that was information I couldn't allow him to have just yet. It wasn't the right time for us, but when it was, it would be indescribable. The ability to be together and share openly in the love that we felt. I couldn't tell him yet, the wall was just about ready to fall, but I wanted there to be no fear inside of me when those words flowed from my mouth. In my mind, I could see his face light up when I finally told him and when it happened, I would treasure that memory for eternity. We needed to be strong, both of us. We would only have ourselves to blame if something went wrong and I refused to jeopardize our happiness. Who would have ever thought that those three little words could be our undoing? I knew it was what he wanted, what he needed to hear. I only hoped he would wait until I could give it to him.
He closed the door behind him as he left and I dropped to my knees and prayed for strength...for both of us.
A/N: Let me know what you think please? Would you like more of these? From what parts?