All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
This is not a foreshadowing to a sad ending. I hate sad endings. This is just the first step toward Bella's insanity. Just so you know, she's not dead. This story is Rated M because of lemons and suicide. Also, there could be one part that may be construed as rape. I will warn you before we get to that chapter. But, yeah, there is sex and suicide mentioned throughout the whole story, so if you're sensitive to that stuff, this story may not be for you.
***Chances are, you will find yourself confused at times during this story, but have faith! This is a story that requires some thought, concentration and attention to the small details. So, go potty, get a cup of something yummy, and then sit back for the ride. I promise, if you take the time to read the WHOLE story, everything will make sense in the end.
Thanks to Dollybigmomma for resurrecting this story. She worked hard to make it readable. Please leave her some love in your reviews!
When I was little, I always thought these cliffs were where the earth ended. Somehow, they always seemed so…final. Like nothing else existed beyond this drop. As I stared off toward the horizon, I could truly appreciate that sentiment now.
The spray off the ocean cooled my skin, as I walked along the cliffs, looking down at the boiling gray water, as the furious waves crashed and foamed below. The sun was setting in the west over the water, splashing the storm clouds riding just above the horizon with deep golds, oranges and reds that faded up into dark purple across the darkening sky. I was standing on the lower cliff, while I watched the sun sink out of sight, bringing on the twilight, as I contemplating my life. How everything had gone so horribly wrong.
His name echoed through my memory. I made my way up to the highest cliff. I was too old and broken now to let those memories of him take hold. His actions had proven he hadn't loved me enough to stay. After he was gone, I never healed. My life as the school librarian had just compounded it all and kept my loss pressed to the forefront. To walk the halls, where he had once stood, made it hard to breathe. I'd finally come to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, as I stood there and watched the kids go by. So young. So naïve. I wanted to scream, scream at them to run, to leave, to never look back at each other, because with love came only pain. Crippling, agonizing pain.
I gazed at the dark water churning violently below me. I felt calm. Peace settled deep into my bones, and I knew I wasn't going to suffer any more. I stepped off the ledge, and at the age of thirty-eight, my life flashed before me. My sad, lonely life.
My sweet Edward loved me in my mind, but then my memory moved forward, and he was gone. And then there was Jacob. He had tried to love me, even fought against the supernatural powers of imprinting for me, but in the end, he, too, would leave me.
I was obviously meant to be alone.
Getting lost in my studies, taking the job at the school after graduation, it all flashed before me now, but in the end, it all settled back down to one thought.
He was gone, and after twenty years, I was still broken. As long as I was trapped in this state, I would always be broken. That fragile human soul he had always claimed he wanted to protect so much? He had ripped that part of me out and crushed it under his feet as he walked away, leaving behind this shell that what was left of me now occupied, to be forced through the motions of life, never living.
I had grown to hate him over the years; he had broken me, made me bitter, and made me hate the thought of love, because he had taught me that love only brought pain. Debilitating, excruciating pain, and I'd had enough of it. I didn't want to feel it anymore. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. Time hadn't healed anything, time had been my enemy, and now, as I plunged far beneath the ocean surface, I was out of time for good.
The icy water swallowed me, wrapping around me, holding me like the cold arms I had missed for so long. I closed my eyes and felt the burn in my lungs. Not long…no, not long at all, and I would have no more pain.
I was finally free.
Chapter 1 – Finding Heaven
"Bella, come on, honey, you're going to be late," Charlie's voice yanked me from the darkness.
My breath caught, and a smile grew on my face. It had been two years since Charlie had died, and here he was calling to me, calling me home to him in heaven.
"Bells!" I felt him shake me awake.
My eyes fluttered open, and I saw his concerned face. I had missed him so much. I leaped forward, hugging him tightly in my arms.
"Bells? Honey, are you alright?" He examined my face and gently wiped the tears from my cheeks.
"I'm just so happy to see you."
He laughed a little. "I'm happy you're here, too." He gently kissed my forehead and then stepped back. "Now hurry up, or you're going to be late for school."
"Yeah, school. You know, that place you go every day until you get your diploma?"
I looked at him confused, and for the first time, I took in my surroundings.
"Are you sure you're feeling okay, Bells?"
I was standing in my old room, in Charlie's house. I looked up and caught my reflection in the mirror that hung on the closet door. I gasped, stumbling back, and looked at Charlie again.
He looked over at the mirror I was looking in. "What's wrong, Bells?"
I closed the distance between me and the mirror, touching my face.
"Um, Bells?" My eyes found Charlie's concerned face again.
I gave him a weak smile. "I'm sorry, Dad; it's just not what I expected."
He looked confused. "Um, okay, I'm going to let you get ready now."
I laughed to myself. That was just classic Charlie. I examined my room for a moment. Everything was just as it had been when I'd first moved in. This was an odd version of heaven. However, I did like my body. I looked back into the mirror, marveling at how my skin was tight again, and my eyes were shining with excitement, not dead-looking with despair.
I looked around the room again, and that was when I spotted the box in the corner of the room. Curious, I walked over and opened it. My heart stopped. It was full of my things. More precisely, it was full of the things I had brought from Phoenix, when I had moved to Forks.
I spun around and quickly ran to my closet, my heart pounding, as I flung the doors open. There were only a few things hanging up. My chest felt like it would explode. I quickly looked out my window, and everything was just as it had been so many years ago, when I had first moved in with Charlie. My truck, my welcome home present from Charlie, was parked in the driveway. It was the same monster I had driven all the way through college, before it finally died for good. I would have had Jake fix it, but when it had caught fire, there was nothing left to salvage. I cried that day. I quickly threw my clothes on and ran out the front door.
I was opening the door to the truck, when I heard Charlie call to me. "Bells, your bag!"
I looked up and saw him holding my backpack out for me. I quickly hurried up to grab it.
"Breakfast?" he asked.
"Um, no, I'm too nervous. I don't want to be late."
"Okay, have a good day."
"Thanks, Dad. You, too."
I pulled my keys out of the side pocket of my bag and laughed at myself for remembering they were there. I started up the truck and found comfort in the old familiar roar. I closed my eyes and let the sound envelope me. Home, this truck felt like home, and then I opened my eyes and saw Charlie standing on the front porch with a grin on his face. I was home. It was then I realized he was waiting for me to go, so I threw the truck in reverse, and as if out of habit, found myself headed for the high school.
I was pondering what kind of things they taught you in school in heaven. My heaven seemed so perfect for me, so comforting. The old familiar ache was still there, and that was disappointing. I'd thought for sure that once I'd died, the pain of losing Edward would have died as well. Maybe that was what they taught, how to lose the pain. My knuckles tightened around the steering wheel. I wanted my pain to stop. That was why I was here.
I pulled into the school parking lot, and my heart stopped. The students were standing around talking, waiting for the first bell to ring. Students I recognized, all of them, I knew all of them. Now I was confused. I didn't understand how Angela, Jessica, Lauren, Mike, Tyler, Eric, and Ben could have all died and ended up in my heaven. I gave them all a weak smile, unsure how to ask them how they had died, and then I decided I didn't want to ask, because then they would want to know how I had died, and I was suddenly ashamed about killing myself. Jessica came up and introduced herself, which I thought was odd, and I wondered if she had forgotten me.
Then I heard another voice. Tyler said, "You must be Isabella. I'm Tyler, nice to meet you."
"Um, just Bella." This was all very confusing.
He smiled. "Okay, Just Bella, do you need help finding where you need to go?"
I saw a worried look in Lauren's eyes. I laughed a little to myself, knowing how that story had played out before.
"No, but thanks."
Then Angela spoke up. "You should sit with us at lunch."
I smiled and nodded okay, and then I hurried to the office. Ms. Cope startled when I burst into the office, and then she smiled.
I nodded my head yes, and her smile grew three times wider.
"Welcome to Forks, honey. How are you adjusting to our little town?"
Her words threw me for a minute. Forks?
"Isn't this heaven?" I asked, confused.
She let out a slight chuckle. "I'd like to think so, but some people don't like the weather here. You're from Phoenix, right?"
My head started pounding. Phoenix. I hadn't been from Phoenix in over two decades. I was staring hard at my truck keys in my hand. Was I really here? Was this really my junior year all over again? The implications of what this meant caused me to shiver. Would I see him again? I was suddenly afraid to even think his name.
"You feeling okay, honey?" Her words snapped me back from my thoughts.
I gave her a weak smile. "Yes, just nervous."
She gave me a warm smile. "I guess that's to be expected, but I think you'll do great here."
She was handing my schedule and a map to me, and I took them, afraid to look down, afraid to see the classes listed. I was terrified to see if I had Mr. Banner for Biology. That was where he would be, that was where we had first met. My heart rate jumped.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Mrs. Cope asked again.
I tried to breathe in, but it felt like the air would not come. What if they were here? What should I do? What if I had actually gone back in time? Could I stop them from leaving me, stop him from leaving me? My mind immediately snapped to my time in the meadow with Edward. That was when he had explained what I was to him, his singer. I glanced at my schedule. Mr. Banner was listed as my biology teacher right after lunch, just like he had been my junior year.
My pulse began to pound in my ears, as I stepped into the hall. Edward, would I see Edward again? My heart was sprinting out of excitement and fear now; I knew how this story ended, with me sad and broken. Could I change it? Could I be enough for him? Could I not be a weak thing that needed to be protected?
Just then, I caught sight of her, and my breath hitched. I knew she could hear it. Her eyes found me, and when they did, I smiled. Alice. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her until this moment. I wanted to run to her, hug her and tell her how much I loved her. I looked deep into her black, hungry eyes and knew it was best to keep my distance. She probably would not bite me, but I didn't want to cause her pain. She seemed almost startled by my smile. It was then I remembered that most humans did not look them in the eye.
Her face went blank, and I knew she was having a vision. I couldn't help but grin internally at my own secret knowledge. I wondered if she was having the vision of us being friends. My eyes were still on her, terrified that if I looked away, she would disappear. The look on her face was startled when she came out of her vision, and then a wide smile crossed her face, as she saw me standing there, still smiling at her. She waved, so I waved back, and then she quickly disappeared.
I made my way to class, my heart soaring. If nothing else, I had gotten to see Alice, and she was happy to see me. By lunchtime, I was determined to find a way to fix things. I wanted to find a way to keep them from leaving me. It was then I suddenly remembered Edward's disappearance after my first day. He had left Forks, because he couldn't handle sitting next to me in class. I looked over at their table and saw them all, and I thought for a moment I would cry.
"That's the Cullen's," Jessica said and began to explain who they were.
I tried to fight the tears in my eyes, as I caught sight of the back of Edward's head, and then suddenly he turned, and his black eyes met mine with full force. My heart raced, as he took me in. I knew he was trying to read my broken mind, he was finding out I was a freak, that he could not hear me. My cheeks flushed, almost saddened that he couldn't. I often wondered, if he could have read my mind, and really knew how much I loved him, if he would have stayed. Someone kicked his chair, and he pulled his gaze away from me. I was scared to look away, scared that if I did, he wouldn't be there.
"Bella? Bella?" I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Jessica. "I know. That's Edward, but don't even try it, he doesn't date anyone."
I felt my cheeks flush. He had dated me, I wanted to say, but I didn't. I knew after lunch he was going to be in my class. I knew I was going to sit next to him, and he in turn would fight an internal battle, trying desperately not to kill me. I looked back at him worried. I knew my smell caused him pain, and his black, hungry eyes meant it would all be magnified. I didn't want to hurt him. Not this Edward, this Edward was innocent; he had not left me, not yet, and I didn't want to give him reason to leave.
I tried to come up with a plan of action, one where he could get out of class and into the open air. That was what he needed. He needed fresh air. I remembered when we had first spent time together, he would often hold his breath to help stay the pain. I made my way to class and stood in the doorway. Edward was sitting alone, just as he had so many years ago; he had not yet caught my scent.
"Edward," I whispered.
His eyes shot up to find me, and my heart raced again. It took me a moment to find myself, as his eyes took me in.
I whispered again, "Edward, hold your breath." He looked at me confused. He was probably wondering how I knew he could hear me. "Just do it, Edward, hold your breath."
I saw his chest inhale deeply, and I knew he was preparing to hold his breath.
I smiled, and Mr. Banner's voice brought me back. "Miss Swan?" I nodded and stepped into the classroom. I felt Edward's curious eyes on me. "You'll be sitting next to Mr. Cullen."
I should have known Edward's curiosity would get the better of him. As I approached, I saw him take a light sniff of the air, and his body went ridged. The monster in him reared, and his glare became intense. I let out a disappointed sigh and shook my head.
"Mr. Banner, I don't believe Mr. Cullen is feeling well."
Edward's hand was over his mouth, trying to suppress a growl, but I knew it would look as if he was getting ready to vomit.
"Edward," a concerned Mr. Banner spoke, "Why don't you head to the nurses office."
I remembered it was thoughts of Carlisle that had kept him from losing it.
"Yes, maybe they can call your dad to come get you."
I looked pointedly at Edward and stepped wide out of his way, trying to help in any way I could. His eyes stayed on me, as he left the room. I settled into my seat, glancing over at his empty chair, and my heart broke. I missed him. I wanted him, I wanted to hold him, but I knew at this point I could not.
I sat at the lunch table, listening to Jasper's thoughts. We had not fed in a while, and we were testing his control. I thought this was a stupid, reckless thing to do, and he was suffering terribly. Why push him? Why not err on the side of caution? We knew he needed to eat more frequently. I glanced over at Alice; she had a wide smile on her face, as her eyes went to the new girl. I gave her a confused look. Why would Alice be interested in the new girl? I tried to read her mind, but she was reciting nursery rhymes in Cantonese backwards, at least I thought they were backwards. She was hiding something from me. 'How is he, Edward?' she asked with her mind.
I checked back into Jasper's mind, as I poked at the chicken on my tray. He was fantasizing about killing a freshman standing too close to our table. I kicked his chair to bring him out of his thoughts. His looks of shame said he was sorry. I nodded at him and gave him a reassuring smile.
Then I heard my name. I listened for a moment without looking. I recognized the voice. It was Jessica Stanley. I hoped she wasn't back to having fantasies about me. No, she was telling the new girl about my family, and I wondered what the new girl thought of us. It was my job to be the lookout, to know when someone was too close to our secret. I tried to listen, but I could not find her voice. I almost thought she had left, but why would Jessica continue to speak? Why would she continue to prattle on about us? Her thoughts had a sharp edge to them. Jessica didn't like that she was looking at me?
I quickly turned around, my eyes caught in deep brown chocolate pools. Her heart raced. Still, there were no thoughts from her, just silence. Her eyes seemed to speak volumes, but nothing I could understand. There was a sadness in them, a longing. What did she want? To be with me? Was she pining for me? No, the look wasn't right; it looked more as if she was sorry. Emmett kicked my chair, and I tore myself away from her gaze to see what he wanted.
'Well, what does she think of us?' Emmett mentally asked, curious.
I ran my hand through my hair. I didn't know, and even more so, her reaction to us was far different from any I had ever seen around a human. I just shrugged at his unspoken question. The bell rang, and I quickly made my way to class, away from my siblings' questions. I needed to try and figure this out. As I walked into biology, Mr. Banner was thinking about the new girl, she was in our class. She would have to sit next to me. I smiled. I would have more time to try and unlock this secret.
I sat down, eagerly waiting, when I heard my name. The soft sweet voice caressed it, and I looked up to see if an angel had entered the room. There she stood in the doorway, her eyes boring into me unflinchingly, as she told me to hold my breath. She wasn't scared. Her heart raced, but she wasn't scared. I didn't understand her words, but the sorrow in her eyes made me want to listen to her.
I found myself inhaling and holding my breath as she asked, complying for some reason out of reflex. A reflex I was not aware of. I wanted to do as she said; I wanted to do anything to please her. I couldn't understand why. She wanted me to hold my breath. Why? So I couldn't smell her? Surely she couldn't know. It was then I realized she had whispered, looked directly at me and whispered across the noisy room. She knew I could hear her. I had to know who she was. How did she know I could hear her? Did this new girl somehow know our secret?
I had to smell her to see if she smelled like anyone familiar. I took a little sniff and regretted it instantly. I felt my throat explode, as every part of my body tensed to spring at her. I gripped the table, trying to hold myself back, but I knew it was not up to the task. I had to kill her. Now! I covered my mouth, trying to suppress the snarl emanating from my throat. She seemed to know what the matter with me was and told the teacher I was ill.
The curious side of me tried to push forward as she spoke, but the monster suppressed it. Mr. Banner told me to head out to see the nurse, but I didn't move, and my prey's voice spoke to me again, mentioning calling Carlisle.
Her eyes were piercing into mine, as she said the words firmly. I noticed the way she said dad, as if she knew something. Carlisle would not be happy if I killed a human, and though there was something different about her, I could tell by the pounding in her chest and the flush of her delicious red cheeks that she was human, a very tasty human. She took a few steps back from me. I looked at her face. No, still not afraid. Disappointed maybe?
I stepped out of the classroom and took in a deep breath. I was trying to clear the scent of her from my lungs, but there was still a light trace of her here from when she had lingered in the doorway. I hurried out of the building and made my way to my car, fighting against the monster that was planning to kill her, plotting her demise after school. All the different ways I could get her alone and take what I wanted from her played in my mind like a reel of my favorite movie, and I had to fight myself not to run back into the school and grab her, so I could drag her with me and act them out.
I growled in frustration. I did not want to kill her I told myself. I thought of my father's disappointment. It was as if she knew thoughts of my father would give me enough strength to leave her alive. This curious girl's sad eyes seemed to look straight through my careful façade, and she did not flinch. Surely she couldn't know what we were, she would have been afraid if she did. She would have to be afraid. I was consumed by my thoughts of the girl, trying to figure out her mystery and fight against the monster that wanted to kill her. I heard a thump on my car and jumped.
'Ha! Gotcha!' Emmett thought smugly.
I just growled in response. I looked up and saw Alice and Jasper approaching. Had Alice seen this? In her mind, she was singing a lullaby in Cantonese. Again, I wasn't sure if she was singing backwards. I was now thoroughly annoyed that I had told her I did not know Cantonese. The ride home was silent and gave my monster time to plan the girl's death.
'Edward, don't,' Alice's mental voice chastened me.
Could she see me killing the girl? I had to leave, get away from her, from here. But who was she, and did she know what I was? Yes, how did she know her smell would send me into a frenzy to kill her? My curiosity pushed forward again. I wanted to speak with her, but I knew it was impossible.
"I'm going to visit the new girl." My eyes found Alice, as she continued to speak. "I'm going to go talk to her."
Emmett voiced his surprise. "Why?"
Jasper did not comment or show interest. Did he know? His thoughts were of Alice's safety. He was concerned about the Volturi? My eyes shot to him, and Alice elbowed him.
"You didn't answer Emmett's question," I heard my voice speak, but I wondered if it was the curiosity in me or the monster in me that wanted to know why she was going. I didn't want to share her with Alice. If anyone was going to eat her, it would be me alone! I recoiled at my own thoughts.
"She'll be good for us," was all Alice said.
We made it home, and Alice disappeared into the forest in the opposite direction of Bella's house. She was going to hunt and then go see the girl. She was not going to eat her. That soothed the monster. No, only I would get to do that. My face twisted in pain at the thought.
"Emmett! Jasper!" Alice's voice came from the distance, "Don't let Edward leave!"
They both looked at me. I took in a deep breath and looked at the ground, trying to hide my guilt, as they walked to my sides.
Emmett put his arm over my shoulder. "Come on, Bro, how about you tell us what's going on."
A/N: Thanks for reading and please review!
All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Oh, and last chapter, you guys may have notice some similarities to Stephenie's Midnight Sun. Yeah, I totally did that on purpose. So, all props to Stephenie. Midnight Sun is my favorite book, even if it isn't complete yet.