A/N: As with the rest of this story this is a strongly BDSM themed fic and if you've kept up with the other parts you'll know that this chapter is going to feature the darker side of it all. If you don't like it or think you'll be offended by it then please don't read it. If you're not sure, at least go back and read ch5 for some kind of indicator.
And I will bare my soul in time, when I'm kneeling at your feet..........
A minute or so passed and I could tell he was steeling himself up for the home run of his tale. He didn't shake or twitch on the outside but he was pretty churned up. I rubbed a hand across his shoulders, squeezed a little bit and told him that we could do this some other time. Again, he shook his head and said he wanted to carry on and so we did.
"So after that, I knew I wanted something a lil different to most folks. I knew I needed the feel of someone takin' me over to really get off. It was what stopped me going to that bar and getting myself into trouble. And don't worry, I was nearly always safe and I've been tested over and over and I'm clean. I got lucky but I'd be more than willing to get tested again just to prove I'm no risk to you Sir.
I started lookin' on the internet and getting a feel for how many people were out there that wanted all the things I did. I knew there were plenty people wanted the same things, I just had to find out how they got them. I ain't never been brave enough to walk up to anybody and ask them if they'd tie me up and hurt me. So I planned to meet a couple of guys and they brought me round to the ideas all about submission. The first guy was nice but he didn't want to see anyone more than a few times. He tied me up, talked real dirty to me and fucked me hard and I more than thanked him for it. He was kind but maybe too kind for me, for what I really wanted.
The second guy, well, he was a lil strange. He was the one that taught me to kneel for my Master. He went through the respect stuff with me, showing me how to keep my eyes down, how to respond when I was spoken to, how to kneel right; all that kinda stuff. Thing was that in the couple of months I was seeing him he never laid a finger on me. Said I wasn't ready. Now I know that might've been the case, I never claimed to anyone I met that I was real experienced but I just felt like he enjoyed ordering me around because he could. I was on my knees with his feet on my back like a stool half the time. And as much as I've been grateful to offer myself in servitude to any Master who is generous enough to take me on I just didn't feel like he was taking me anywhere I needed to be.
Thing is Sir, that now I regret that decision with all my heart. I met someone else through a friend I made and that's how I've come to be marked up so bad. Like I said, I've been turned down before cos a Master has seen the marks and doesn't want me. They never stop to find out how they came to be there or that I wish I could still be pure for them. Sir, I already feel ashamed enough of who I am most the time without the taint of that which I can't never remove.
My last Master, well he wasn't what he made out to be. I shoulda gotten out of that long before I did but I wanted to believe what he said, what he said he could do for me and to me. He seemed to know what I needed at first, slapping me up some and then giving it to me hard. He liked more of the pain than the serving and manners I'd been trained to give so it was new to me. I'll be truthful, we had a lot of contact with each other and he marked me up all over a few times. I didn't mind so much at first, it was real nice to get with someone who understood what I wanted and needed for so long. It all started to go wrong after I turned him away from my home one night when I was tired, sick and more busted up that he thought I was.
The next time I visited him he dragged me to his playroom, tied me up and left me alone in that room for 3 hours. I laid there and cried like a newborn. I realised then that the safeword we had wasn't worth nothing as he wasn't there to hear me say the word same as he wasn't there to untie me. Eventually he came back and asked me if was sorry for refusing his request the time before. I apologised like I ain't never done before, I was just so glad he let me go outta that room. He told me that he'd had to punish me for being so disobedient and I suppose I just accepted that as part of my role as his slave. I'm supposed to serve a Master with everything I am and everything I have, I know that and if you ever ask me for anything I'll never say no Sir. I promise I won't."
Right at that point it was a good job the kid couldn't see my face. The silent tear that leaked from my eye for everything the kid had gone through was letting out a whole lot of clues about my humanity and that underneath all this bluster I do care. I hated the thought of what was probably going through his mind when he was left like that having offered himself up like a fucking sacrificial lamb for an asshole like that. The worst thing was that I knew he was about to tell me how his legs got so damaged and I was guessing it was the same guy that did it. Another fucking amateur that knows as much about being a dom as most folks do - nothing. I took a deep breath and covered it with a cough, stroking at his hair every once in a while to let him know I was still there, still listening and maybe more importantly, still interested in him.
Now I can get over it because I didn't do it to him. Problem was that this last piece of his puzzle was either gonna pull us together and I'd be able to help him heal or it was gonna send us spiralling apart. And yeah, it did mean that much and it is that extreme a call to make. Once you've seen what it takes to dominate someone entirely you'd know how hard it is, and its impossible if someone truly has no limits. Think about it, you can't push a boundary that ain't there, right? With a final clear of his throat he started to speak again and I swallowed hard, still not really ready to hear whatever it was he had to say.
"The last time we played, well now I'm scarred so bad I'm sure you can guess that's the last time I played, period. Thing is, I know you could hurt me right now Sir and I'd just take it cos nothing you can do to me could be worse than that day. He broke me and I just don't know if I'll ever be fixed. All I know is I don't wanna end up like that again if I can help it.
I didn't really want him to tie me up but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He asked me if I wanted to prove to him that I trusted him and wanted to give myself to him like a true sub would. I was so desperate to make him like me, to be everything a good sub should be that I let him put me in the restraints again. At first it was okay. He called me out good and dirty but I've always liked that. I felt myself getting a bit worked up by it all as he told me that I was worthless, useless, fuck ugly and dirty and that I should myself grateful he'd even think of touching me. I kinda like the humiliation side if I'm honest Sir.
It was when he didn't stop saying it and got more an' more personal with it. He started calling Jeff out, saying that he was sure my brother would be a better slave, have a better body, all kindsa stuff that started to make me feel real small altogether, not just because I was tied up and needed that nasty talk. Like at least one time before he'd only touch me once he'd made the tears fall. I just wanted to make him happy so I just agreed with everything he had to say about me. I kinda hoped that he would just get it over with and then let me go as I knew I didn't want him to come near me again. Plenty of what I'd done and who'd I'd been with had made me feel worthless Sir and I just didn't want that no more, not like that.
So I played along with him as best I could but he knew. He'd got an idea my heart wasn't in it and he said that he could fix that, could make me give into him like he knew deep inside I wanted to. He flipped me over and thrashed at me with a flogger until I was fair begging him to stop and he did, then just got on top of me and gave me all he'd got. I wasn't ready, and more than a little scared so it wasn't easy but he still managed it. Sir, I promise I cried that safeword like it was the only word I knew but he never stopped. After he'd messed me up good and proper he got off me and could see I was upset. He told me I should be grateful for him being willing to entertain someone as weak and pathetic as me. He was probably right. I was weak and I think sometimes maybe I still am and that's the reason I want this so bad Sir.
Next thing I know he's telling me that I'm gonna respect him and not play games or tell lies while I'm in his control. He told me that I needed to learn some manners and respect. Sir I got plenty of them but I just couldn't show them to him. I know that might make me a bad slave but I just couldn't. I felt the first few blows landing on my legs and I bit down on my lip so hard I bust it open. I kept on saying I was sorry but he told me he didn't care. The blows kept coming and the last thing I remember was the first real sharp hit at the back of my knees.
I woke up laid face down on the front seat of my truck. It was cold and I knew I was hurt bad but I just wanted to go home, to somewhere safe. I drove all the way home all but stood up in the front cos I couldn't bear the pain in my legs. I had my jeans on and I was kinda grateful that he'd put them back on me while I was out cold cos I don't think I coulda done it myself. Turns out he'd kept my boxers, probably couldn't do with hassle of getting them back on me. After I got home I went up to my room and tried to get undressed. I just couldn't do it. I was crying and swearing cos I thought I was on my own but it turns out Jeff was in his studio up in the loft and could hear me from there. He came down, thought I was sick or something and when he saw the skin on my backside from where I'd managed to get my jeans down he threw up. Sir, that scared me more than anything else that had happened so far if I'm honest.
When he got back from the bathroom he begged me to go to the emergency room to get looked at. I didn't want to explain how I got marked bad so I said no. He played holy hell with me but I felt sick and so tired. All I wanted to do was get my clothes off and get into bed and forget my life ever happened. He came over and wrapped his arms around me and I started crying like I thought I'd never stop. He knew that I was in trouble and that I needed to be looked at. My baby brother sorting my life out cos couldn't. Pathetic wasn't the right word for me that night.
I can look back now and smile at what he did for me although I'm glad he never took up as a nurse. He ran down to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of vodka, some scissors and a pen knife. He took a good swig out of the bottle and then passed it over to me. I drank and drank out of it, hoping it would numb out the pain in my heart as well as just about everywhere from my hips down. Once I'd sunk enough he told me to lay down and bite whatever I came to first. That's when he started cutting at the jeans and every pull of the material made me cry that bit faster. The blood had already started to dry onto the denim and it hurt real bad as he took them off.
I laid on the bed trying to force myself to sleep through the pain. Jeff being Jeff came in and gave me two pills and the rest of the vodka to wash them down with. I was so desperate to forget he could've shot me full of anything and I'd have let him. The last thing I remembered was him saying he was gonna take care of me, sitting alongside me on the bed and stroking my hair, just like you're doing now Sir. I woke up sometime late on the next day and all my legs were treated and bandaged. Turned out Jeff called one of his friends up who's a nurse and she came around late in the night and fixed me up. I was so out of it I never even knew she was there. Jeff even called in and told Vince I'd been beaten up so wouldn't be able to go back on the tour just yet. He was real nice about it. I couldn't tell him any more and despite Jeff pleading and begging I didn't go to the police either. How could I? He was my Master. I'd let him do those things to me and I could hardly rat him out for that.
I spent a couple of weeks at home, Jeff set me up with doctor he knew that jacked me full of stuff to knock the pain out and his nurse friend came around daily to look at the wounds. They both told me I needed to see a skin doctor, that I'd probably need plastic surgery or something to sort it out but I just couldn't do it. I knew that whoever I went to see would want to know what happened but I just wouldn't be able to say. Sure, I got wild drunk a few times and, you know in that hour of real dark night when everything that hurts you comes to mind, well I told Jeff some of how I ended up in that mess. He was angry that I'd let myself get mixed up in something like that but he didn't understand how I could let anyone hurt me in the first place and find a thrill in it. We ain't never talked about it again. I ain't never told anyone else about it until now.
Since then, I just kept myself to myself. Went back to work when I was able, bought real big gifts for that nurse who was just about the only one that got me through it and I never so much as kissed a body since. I...I just couldn't face showing off these scars at first and when I did, they saw my marks and turned me away. And then you came along and a lit a fire under me that I hadn't felt in so long. I came around because I wanted to tell you...to tell you that I'm damaged, that I'm marked real badly by another's hand. Then you asked me if I wanted to come and play and I was nearly up here before you. Yesterday, I felt alive for the first time in so long. I didn't sleep a wink playing over in my mind thinking about how it felt kneeling at your feet, feeling your hands on me...."
The kid's breathing was heavy and his face a hot pink I hadn't seen before. He'd talked for longer that just about anyone I'd ever known but I was glad to have been burdened with every last word of it. And no, I don't just mean the end bit which was all about yours truly. Be it right or wrong I clicked with this kid the first moment he rammed me on the floor. He didn't see it in himself but the recovery from all that pain, all those marks was all but complete. You don't see it? Let me explain in small words that you might just get.
The kid gets hurt, and damn badly at that. He's spent God only knows how long trying to get his head around the way he let someone take control and fuck him up. Thing is, he knows now to stand his ground, hence spearing me through the door. He knows that he has a right, he has a choice as to who he submits to. He's fighting himself inside but as yesterday proved the desire got the upper hand over his shame. There's an uncertainty that his scars are gonna take him out of the marketplace but maybe that's the last bar to jump over. See?
Enough was enough for one session. Sometimes you've gotta realise when the cuffs need to come off and, even though you're the boss of someone, their emotional needs outweigh the physical ones. I reached up scraped his hair back then told him to lift his head. As he did I unbuckled the cuffs and rubbed at his wrists to bring them back to life. What? I told you, I'm not an ogre. I do this because I care. Sure, I want it. I crave being in control and taking people to the place they dreamed of but I'm not like the guys he had before. I'm a true dom who believes in absolute balance. I hurt then I comfort. I bring pain then I soothe. I respect their needs and they respect mine. It works out so don't judge, just try to broaden your mind to understand me.
I asked him to roll over and then sit up and as he did I told him that our session was over. His face was puffed up with the tears and as he thanked me there was a shake in his voice. I guessed that he still didn't know whether or not I was gonna send him packing, maybe got too deep into his own story to realise that I was still there having listened to it all. He didn't realise that nothing had changed for me.
The kid looked into my eyes and I shifted my place on the bed, turning my body towards him and pulling him close to me, his head rested on my shoulder as I wrapped him in my arms. I felt his lips on the skin exposed over the top of my t-shirt and I heard my heart start beating like a drum in my ears. It hit me that I already cared about him as more than a pity project and that nothing he'd said made a damned bit of difference to the things I wanted to do with him. I just hoped that he saw me as more than just someone who was gonna have their nastiest brand of fun with him and then toss him aside, just like all the others. I prefer to be thought of as the next chapter of these guys' experiences whether or not they stick around. I'd rather they only thought good things when they recalled their time tied up for me.
I stroked at the kid's arm and he kissed me a little harder before coming to stop at the bottom of my ear. That's when I heard a real shock string of words come his mouth.
"Help me Hunter. You don't know how much I need this...."
Now they're beautiful pleading words that I cherish from my subs but this time it was different. For all the hurt, for all the pain the kid had suffered they were said in the breathiest 'pin-me-down-and-hurt-me' voice I'd ever heard inside the four walls of that room. Little did he know just how much I wanted to do it all to him and more, how much I needed it too.
A/N: So I made myself cry writing this – I'm all angsted out with it :S Hopefully it makes Matt's position clearer and probably complicates Hunter's involvement with him but y'know, these things are hardly ever simple and straightforward.
The italicised quote at the top is a line from a James Blunt song that shuffled itself onto my ipod when I was thinking about this story at work and that line just seemed to sum it all up for me even though the rest of the song is irrelevant and slightly boring!
If you made it to the end of this chapter thanks for sticking with this, all your reads and all reviews are much appreciated :)