You know how stories always have people falling love and knowing that they never want to be away from a certain person because it might kill them. Well this isn't that type of story at all Yes I did fall in love, but then something took him away from me.
So each day I live alone, wanting to die, being called a fagot because I am silent and I never speak anymore unless spoken to. Life doesn't matter to me anymore, I write in a torn up spiral note book and I walk the halls alone. People give me weird glances because of course EVERYONE heard about... Mark. I know you want to know what happened to him but there is a story to this mystery.
I walked down the halls of course alone and barely anyone was in the halls since they probably are at the pep rally in the gym. I really don't do stuff like that it brings back to many memories.
My black and red markers in my pocket as I began to find somewhere where I could write and be alone since really who wants to be found writing in a 'Diary?' That's what the guys on the football, basketball, and soccer team say. Me I see it as my heart poured out onto pages. And if anyone read it would think I was about the saddest excuse ever to be born.
Outside there were trees to sit underneath and to climb. Me knowing that if I was to not be killed and beat up on the front lawn of the school... I would be sitting on a high branch where no one could reach me. I grunted using my very unused upper strength and pulled myself up the front of the largest tree there. I uncapped the marker and opened the book to where I had left off on a poem.
I'm sad and lonely, everything was ripped from me,
I became blind as soon as the lights hit me and I could no longer see.
Every night is a living hell as I wake up screaming your name,
And already knowing you wouldn't call back oh how I wish things were still the same.
I cry myself into dry sobs, no longer do I want to breath the air,
All I want is you and I know you're not here.
You were the only one who could make me believe in love and what it held,
Together we made something and watched as it broke and fell.
In those split seconds no longer could I breath, all I could hear was screams and yells.
Your body was laying on the side walk and you weren't moving never before have I seen you let down your guard.
I ran to your side and you wouldn't wake up I tried so hard!
That day they took you away to be buried forever with my love,
All I knew was you are up there and watching from above.
But I am still stuck in the past, I want to die and for it to happen fast,
Because all I am in this world is an outcast.
Never seen never heard, no one cares and no one is there,
It's as if they don't have hearts and are unaware.
Do they not see me hanging on barely by a thread,
And all I've ever known to people and my own family is as good as dead.
Losing me is like dropping a penny, it's there but what is it worth now? Nothing.
All I am going is no where and ageing.
As I began trying to think I heard voices and my heart stopped. I turned my head back to my writing trying to ignore the people talking. Not wanting them to think I was listening to them I pulled out my iPod and began listening to Avenged Sevenfold. I bit my lip thinking of what the next line should be... when I was hit with something hard in the arm with a rock.
I paused the song and looked at the two guys below me who I've never seen before because well... I don't care. They both were looking up at me with a confused expression on their faces.
"What?" I asked in my quiet (normal) voice. "Why are you up there?" One of them asked me. I looked at him dully. "Because." "Because why?" "Because I'd rather like it up here then down there so I don't get killed thank you." I stated and went back to writing, well more like thinking.
I was pretty confused at why they weren't chucking more rocks at me, but I went on writing and keeping to myself as I usually do. Besides... school was going to be over in about oh 30 minutes anyways so there isn't much else to do.
Do you think if I did keep on with my plans that when I see you again you'd be proud?
I wish you could tell me through the sun and sitting on those clouds.
Soon, I will be joining you and I will never leave,
And that is the only thing in the world I want to achieve.
I sighed knowing that this was pathetic to be writing stuff like this but it is the truth. Soon I am going to kill myself, what else do I have to live for then just sit here, cry, and write poetry? Exactly as the poem says 'Nothing.'
Turning my iPod back on I started to listen to All Time Low - Stay Awake (Dreams Only Last For A Night) you know what's funny that was our song and I always listen to it if I need a good right now I'm not crying I am just thinking of him. He deserved so much more then what he got, and I think I think I was the cause of his death.
Sighing as the song ended, the bell rang and I grabbed onto the branch and jumped down. Shoving my hands in my pockets as I had my book in one arm. I made my way towards my locker not even noticing that jocks were waiting there for me. I looked up at them as they smirked, every time they beat the complete shit out of me I got more and more used to the pain to the point where sometimes I would be anxious to feel it.
This time though... they started to chant at me... about Mark. "Aw! Is the poor fagot emo kid sad his boy friend killed himself?" One chanted being the leader of the idiots. That hit me hard and I had tears come to my eyes. I ignored them as best as I could and just got my books as the tears slid down my face. "Look! He's crying!" One of them called making them laugh. I looked at him with the most dead face that just came natural and he looked confused. I sighed closing my locker and made my way towards the bus.
Pretty much I am no one wants and no one cares about so I sit alone staring out the window. But the same jocks took seats around me still chanting about Mark. They kept telling me I was a fag and made him love me, that it was my fault he was dead. On that one I commented.
I turned to them. "Thank you for telling me what I already know, yes, it's my fault actually all my fault he loved me and that I was the one he saved instead of himself." I stated flatly. That was the first time in a year I got the guts to speak.
They all looked shocked that I actually spoke. But I just turned back to the window.
When I get home I am going to face my family who always say that they knew that this was going to happen ever since I told them I was gay. But every time they do, they push me more and more to the edge... of no return.