A/N: So I blame CellaCullen for this bit of fuckery that you are about to read because she pinged me on Christmas day and was all, "You should write a holiday outtake with Edward and James or Bella before they met." I had initially told her no…then plot bunnies attacked.
This outtake is dedicated to my gomey, ohdisco, who was the first person to ask what really happened that night with the lasso. This also goes out to Forever_Liz cause bb, you fucking rock! Thank you so much. And thanks to my beautiful beta, phoenixhunter47.
Please keep in mind that this is Edward before he met Bella, while he was back in Chicago screwing off with James.
Happy Fucking New Year
"Ouch! Fuck, James. Give me a minute," I hissed as I tried to dislodge my foot from the snow pile.
"Don't be such a sissy," my cousin laughed as he smacked my ass.
I kicked back with my free leg as I sunk deeper into the snow. My knee buckled and I fell forward. My arms shot out, smacking against the window ledge. I heard James laugh from behind me as I wiped wood slivers on my pants. I gave a giant tug and my leg finally pulled free. Leaning against the window, I turned back to look at my cousin. James was hunched down by a bush, pulling his black beanie down over his ears.
"Give me the damn tools."
James shuffled through the bag at his feet as I zipped up my jacket. The freezing Chicago air whipped around my face, stinging any open flesh it came into contact with. We were lucky that the snowstorms had stopped, but not lucky enough to beat the sporadic rainfall. I heard the bushes rustle and seconds later James was standing next to me, tools in hand. I reached out for them but he pushed by me.
"Gotta let a real man do the work."
"And who would that be?" I asked. James flipped me off in response. Yeah, a fucking real man.
I watched as he began to jimmy the lock open, "Hey, you did remember to disable to alarm, right?"
He threw me a look over his shoulder before turning back to the job at hand. I turned towards the front gate, watching out for the night guard. I was suddenly overcome with laughter as I thought about the fact that we were breaking into our Grandfather's house. If only the old man could see us now. I gripped my knees as I bent over, choking on the laughter that kept spewing out. I heard a snort come from in front of me and I looked up to see James hunched over, gasping for breath as he joined in my laughter.
Fuck, and he didn't even know what I was laughing at. I think that bottle of Hennessey was finally kicking in. He snorted again and I gave him a shove, laughing harder as he face planted into the snow.
"Fucking pansy!" James shouted, wiping snow from his face.
I stepped over his ass, almost losing my balance. When I reached the window, I gave a quick pull and the window slid open. James and I both froze, not daring to take a breath as we waited to see if the alarm had actually been shut off. After a few minutes of nothing, James stood up, wavering slightly, and pushed me out of the way.
"Told ya I fucking turned off the alarm. Now let's do this!"
One by one we maneuvered our way through the window, both falling on our asses onto the study room floor. Once we had both stopped laughing, we stood up and James immediately walked over to the giant mahogany desk. Turning on his flashlight, he began rummaging through all the drawers in a not so quiet fashion. I took this time to look around the study as I switched on my own light. This was the first time I had ever been in this room. Anthony never let anyone in, this was his own personal study. Hell, I don't even think his wife had ever been in here.
"Fuck yeah!" James exclaimed from behind me.
I turned sharply to see him holding up a key. I felt myself smile as I stumbled over to him, banging my knee against a table. I let out a slew of curses, leaning against the desk.
"Shut up, man. You wanna get our asses caught?"
"Oh like he didn't hear your fat ass falling all over the floor," I snapped back.
"Your ass was right behind mine," he retorted. We both paused and thought about that last statement before bursting into laughter.
"I always knew you were a homo, Eddie." He ruffled my hair.
I pushed his hand away, "Don't fucking call me, Eddie."
He laughed as he made his way over to the locked liquor cabinet that held Anthony's finest bottles of alcohol.
"Hell yeah!" James exclaimed as the cabinet door swung open. "Gramps has been holding out on us. Bring the bag over."
I picked up our discarded bag and managed to knock over a picture frame on the end table.
"Shit," I mumbled, as I righted the picture. Setting it on the table I noticed a crack that now extended from the top of Anthony's face, all the way across to his jaw. Well, the old man was a little cracked in the head, now we had proof. I laughed to myself at my little joke as a sharp pain radiated from the back of my head. Turning around quickly, I saw the source of my pain; a copy of Leo Tolstoy's short stories was lying open on the ground at my feet. I bent down, showing James my middle finger, as I picked up the book.
God Sees the Truth, But Waits
I almost fucking dropped the book. The feeling of being watched settled over me and my eyes quickly darted around the room looking for...what the fuck was I doing? Did I fucking expect God to be standing behind me? Chuckling nervously, I ran my hand through my hair. I caught a glimpse of something to my right and spun around, jumping at my own reflection. Christ Edward, get a grip. I let out a shaky breath and closed my eyes, willing the room the stop spinning.
"You done checking yourself out over there? I could use the help, you know?"
James was leaning against the open cabinet looking impatient. I glanced around quickly before joining him, tossing the book on the table. When I looked over his shoulder into the cabinet, I about had a goddamn heart attack. The old geezer was holding out on us. The cabinet had five shelves that were lined with the finest liquor that money could buy. Brands from all over the world, many that I couldn't even pronounce. I reached over James' shoulder and grabbed a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey. I knew from experience that this shit retailed for over $200 a bottle. Placing that back on the shelf I grabbed a bottle from the shelf above.
"Fucking bastard," I muttered under my breath as I twirled the bottle around. Kinclaith Single Malt Scotch. This shit right here cost more than James' beloved Mercedes. Not only that, but Anthony had two fucking bottles just sitting there mocking me. With a shrug of my shoulders I screwed off the cap and took a swig. Consider it part of my inheritance. Beside me, James let out a low whistle as he perused the shelves.
"Told you he had the shit hidden in here," James said as he pulled a bottle off the top shelf. "Cheers." He clinked my bottle with his own and when he tipped his head back to drink I saw the label: Pasion Azteca Tequila. Fucking figures he would go for the Tequila.
As I turned back to our selection, my eyes roamed over the pictures on the walls. Anthony Edward Cullen through the years. Graduation from college, with his family, days spent on the family ranch back in Wyoming and...holy fucking shit. What the hell was hanging on the wall? Still holding the bottle of Scotch, I pushed past James to get a closer look. I stopped first to grab the cowboy hat that was on the wall, placing it on my head before reaching for the object that had caught my attention in the first place.
"Hey, James," I called. James turned and I held my arm up. "It's like fucking Bonanza in here."
James took in my appearance from the hat to the lasso that was hanging from my arm before doubling over in hysterics. His laughter was contagious and I soon found myself near tears. A thump came from upstairs and I felt my eyes widen as I looked over at James. Straightening up quickly, he shut the door, but not before grabbing two more bottles. I was pretty sure his stupid ass grin mirrored mine as we ran back to the open window, each fumbling as we climbed over the edge out into the freezing night, cowboy hat and lasso in tow.
"Fuck, James!" I yelled as we flew over a speed bump causing my head to hit the car roof. Luckily, none of my drink spilled as I held the bottle in my hand.
"Whoo!" James let out as the car accelerated, flying over the next speed bump.
The half dressed girl riding shot gun squealed as he pulled her across the seat. She wrapped her arm around his neck, pulling his face to hers. I so did not want to watch this. As I took another drink of the Kinclaith, my view of the front seat was suddenly blocked by a pair of tits and the overwhelming smell of honeysuckle. I followed the stretch of skin from cleavage to face until I was looking at the girl who had just crawled onto my lap.
"Can I have some?" she asked, reaching for my drink, speech slightly slurred. I moved the bottle out of her reach causing her chest to fall against mine as she tried to grab a hold of it.
"What are you going to give me for it?" I asked, leaning back on the seat with a smug smile.
A devilish glint entered her eyes as she slid her hands up my chest, hooking them around the back of my neck. Almost instantly her mouth covered mine. There was nothing but pure sex in that kiss...and sex I knew well. I wrapped my arms around her, Liz I think she said her name was, and pulled her into me. She tasted of alcohol as I plunged my tongue into her mouth. I let one hand run down the sides of her shirt until I felt her bare thigh, the skirt having risen from straddling me. Roughly, I pushed my hand up causing the fabric to move higher until my thumb grazed the edge of her underwear. Fumbling for a minute, I finally maneuvered my finger under the edge and ran it up her slit. Fuck, she was wet. Her hips bucked against mine and I groaned as she pressed against my dick.
"Hey! You better not fucking be spilling that shit on my seats!" James' voice interrupted.
Liz's head fell to my neck, giggling. Cockblocked by my fucking cousin.
"Oh, and I can see you, you know. Don't be doing that shit back there."
I sat up quickly. Liz squealed as I grabbed her ass so she wouldn't fall. I leaned forward, my head between the seats.
"It would be fucking payback for when you screwed that chick in my backseat."
James raised his hand, fingers still closed around his bottle of Tequila, and waved me off. "That was different. You weren't in the car while I was fucking her."
Without thinking, I removed one of my hands from the nice ass and smacked James in the head. The car swerved upon impact and I flew forward, falling onto the floorboard with Liz underneath me.
"Shit!" I yelled as some of the Scotch spilled out onto the floor.
James didn't bother to slow down as I tried to untangle myself from the girl below me, careful not to spill another drop. I crawled back up onto the seat, sighing in relief as I took a drink from the bottle. Liz wiggled her way in between my legs and I pulled her face to mine. She gave me a quick kiss before pulling back, grinning wickedly. I was about to ask her what the fuck was so funny when her hands found their way inside my pants. I smirked at her before attacking her mouth again. She began pumping me slowly, her actions hidden to the front by her body...not that James was paying attention anyway. I could feel myself getting closer and I leaned back against the seat as Liz's mouth moved to my neck. I brought the bottle to my lips.
What the fuck?
"What the fuck?" I said aloud, turning the bottle upside down. Empty. Not a single drop left.
I pushed the girl off of me and she fell to the side letting out a "hey" in irritation. I shot her a look and she shut up, crossing her arms over her chest. I leaned between the front seats again, pushing the other girl (cause like hell if I remembered her name) to the side.
James grabbed his bottle from between his legs and turned it over. Empty, just like mine.
"Shit!" I shouted, reaching for the bag we brought with us only to find it empty. What the fuck was the point of bringing the bag if we didn't put shit in it? "I thought you grabbed more," I yelled over the pounding bass of the stereo.
We made a sharp turn, the tires skidding on the asphalt, and James brought the car to a stop. He turned off the ignition and faced me. "I know I grabbed some more." He looked at the girlwhosnameIcantremember, "Look under your seat, baby."
She smiled demurely at him and reached under. Seconds later she pulled up two bottles of Jack. James and I each grabbed one, nodded at each other and cracked the shit open. And yes, we shared with the girls.
It was getting hot in the car and I was beginning to feel cooped up. I needed air and space and...fuck...I wanted to run. Breaking away form the half naked girl in front of me, I fiddled with the door handle until it open and I fell head first onto the snow covered pavement. I rolled over, looking up at the night sky and breathed in the cold air. I could hear giggling coming from the car and then James' face appeared above me, grinning and with that fucking cowboy hat on.
"Making snow angels there, cuz? Isn't that kind of a chick thing?"
"Yeah, fuck you, Billy Ray."
He held a hand over his heart and tried to look wounded, "Ouch, you broke my achy heart...or some shit like that."
I rolled my eyes as I pushed myself up into a sitting position. James handed me back my bottle, which I guess the chick had been holding, and then held out his hand to help me up. I stumbled to my feet, pausing as the world righted itself, and then took another drink from good old Jack. I glanced around. From the looks of it, I gathered we were in an abandoned parking lot. I could hear the sounds of the freeway in the distance.
"What the hell is this?" Liz asked, stepping out of the car holding the lasso.
"It's fucking rope." Who the hell didn't know what rope looked like?
"And what exactly do you need rope for?" her friend asked, giggling.
James sauntered up to them. "Why, to wrangle in beautiful youngins like yourselves," he said in a horrible southern accent, tipping his hat.
The girls burst into giggles and Liz straightened up, "Well it looks like I'll be the one doing the wrangling now."
"Oh yeah?" I asked, cocking my eyebrow, and she nodded. I bent slightly at the waist and dug my heel into the snow like a bull getting ready to charge and then ran towards the girls. They both squealed and scattered, but didn't get far. James grabbed the noname around the waist and hoisted her into the air. I took off after Liz who should have known better than to run in the snow in heels. It's fucking the dead of winter. Why the hell would you wear something pointy?
I caught up to her easily, wrapping the rope around her waist, pinning her to me. My mouth ravaged her neck as she 'fought' to get away from me. Her hands dropped their hold and I emerged victoriously. Trotting back to James, swinging the lasso over my head.
"Giddy up, Cowboy!" James hollered.
I used to play Cowboys and Indians when I was younger, way younger, like five, with my older brother Emmett. He would always get to be the cowboy and I would always be his captured Indian. Now it was my turn and I was going to fucking own being a Cowboy. I spotted a trash can in the distance and began twirling the lasso above my head. I eyed down that trash can as I stalked towards it. That can was mine. As soon as I was close enough, I let the lasso go, holding my breath as I watched it sail through the air and wrap around the base of the can.
"Yee Haw!" I shouted as the group cheered behind me.
Well of course after that, James wanted to try. So I sat back and watched my cousin make a fool out of himself. After six tries, he finally succeeded in wrangling the trash can. We each went a couple more times, from different distances, even helping the girls out. Suddenly James announced he was cold.
"Put some fucking clothes on, dumb ass," I responded.
"Why the hell should I when we can just start a fire?" James asked with a huge grin on his face. He produced a lighter from his back pocket and walked up to the trash can. A few beats later and the can was illuminated with an orange glow. The girls immediately huddled around it.
"Now I'm all nice and toasty," James announced, spreading his arms wide. "And I can still show off my hot body."
"Bitch please, I am much hotter than you," I scoffed, unbuttoning my shirt. I tossed my shirt to the side along with the lasso and braced myself for the cold, but it wasn't actually that bad. The girls were giggling and letting out cat calls while James and I struck different poses.
"I think Edward wins," Liz shouted out while her friend nodded in agreement.
"What?" James exclaimed in protest.
Grinning, I walked over to Liz, pulling her body to mine and shoving my tongue in her mouth. She responded in force while James whined. Her friend rubbed up against my back, leaving a slew of kisses down my neck. I turned around to face my cousin, an arm draped over each girl.
"Suck on it, bitch."
"What the fuck ever." James was shaking his head while fumbling with the top of his jeans. Hastily, he shoved his pants down, quickly stepping out of them and threw them off to the side.
"How can you pick that over this?" He gestured to his body now only clad in his black boxers.
Oh hell no. I was not going to be outdone by James. Stepping away from the girls, I quickly slipped my jeans off. The right leg got stuck as I tried to pull it over my shoe and I ended up ass deep in snow.
"Holy Fuck!" I shouted as the moisture seeped through the thin fabric. I yanked my shoes off so I could get the pants off and jumped up, wiping the snow off my ass. James was howling in laughter. I reached down and balled up some snow and launched it at his head, smiling smugly when it connected perfectly.
He let out a yell before launching one back at me. I dove out of the way just in time and it sailed by me, smacking into one of the girls. They both shrieked so I couldn't tell who was hit. I looked over at James and a second later felt something hard and wet smack into the back of my head.
Within minutes we were running around the burning can launching snow balls at each other. Somewhere in that time, both girls had lost their tops, though for the life of me I couldn't remember when. My foot caught on something as I was running causing me to stumble slightly. Looking down I found the discarded lasso. I quickly grabbed it up and chased after the girls, letting out a yell as I spun the rope in the air.
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" James shouted, running past me, his hand securing the cowboy hat that was still on his head.
I realized my aim had turned to shit when multiple tries later I'd only succeeded in tripping myself and smacking into James.
"Hey, the countdown's starting!" Liz shouted. We all paused, in the distance you could vaguely hear an echo of voices coming from the direction of the pier.
James appeared next to me, lighter in hand. "Let's send this year off in style."
I knew instantly what he meant as I drew the lasso towards me.
Laughing, he poured some Jack around the length of the circle as I held it up.
Once the circle part was covered, he flipped open his lighter. The lasso erupted in flames and I jumped back in surprise.
James and I both let out yells as I slowly began to swing the rope.
"Fucking shit!" I yelled as the flames shot up the rope, scalding my finger tips. I dropped the flaming lasso into the snow. It let out a hiss as the flames met the cold snow.
"Freeze right there!"
"Cullen, both of you. Let's go."
I groaned, rolling over on the tiny bench.
The ride to the police station was a blur. I remembered James telling them that he was the sheriff in these parts and then the next thing I knew, I was in the back of the squad car.
I sat up slowly, my head was fucking pounding. I wondered if they had Advil around here. James was leaning against the communal toilet, dressed in a horrible orange jumpsuit. I was about to laugh until I realized I was dressed in the same fashion.
Where the fuck were my clothes?
"Move it, ladies," the guard at the door shouted again.
"Dude," James mumbled, using the toilet to help him stand, "Why you shouting? My head is fucking killing me."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, princess."
"That's fucking 'prince' to you," James said as he walked past the guard, patting him on the chest. Laughing, I stumbled behind him.
I caught up to James in the hallway and placed my hand on his shoulder. He grinned over at me and we both burst into laughter, ignoring the throbbing pain in our heads, as we walked down the hallway of the Chicago Police Department. We stopped in front of the door at the end so we could sign the release papers.
"Thank you again for taking care of my daughter, Officer." I heard a voice say.
The Mayor was here?
I looked up through the window into the lobby and saw the profile of our prestigious mayor. He glanced up then, his eyes meeting mine and they narrowed in fury. What the fuck was his problem? He turned sharply, throwing his arm around someone I couldn't see and began walking towards the door. A flash of brunette hair passed and a face turned towards me. When her eyes met mine, she smiled, stifling a giggle before walking out with her dad.
"Holy shit, you fucking nailed the Mayor's daughter." James slapped me on the shoulder as the door opened allowing us to step into the lobby.
I nailed the Mayor's daughter. This was a first. But fuck, I couldn't remember it. I racked my brain trying to recall any of it. It should have been a no brainer. I spent the better part of my evening with her, therefore I probably did fuck her. Didn't I? James was cracking up next to me and his laughter spread to me. We were both almost doubled over when we stepped into the lobby so it was no wonder we didn't see him standing there.
That one voice froze us in our tracks. We both straightened up and met his hardened face. Anthony Cullen was standing in the lobby, cowboy hat in one hand and what was left of what looked like burned rope in the other. Without another word, he turned on his heels and walked out.
Happy fucking New Year.
A/N: I hope that you enjoyed this glimpse into Edwards past. Please feel free to let me know what you thought! I will be adding future outtakes here as well, so be on the lookout for those.