Disclaimer: We do NOT own Elite Beat Agents
(Any appearing members of the Society belong to their respective Authors)
Insert Government Funded Male Cheerleaders Here
Ulera: Disclaimer: this story contains extremely high doses of Crack. if at anytime during this story you experience blurred vision, nausea, headaches or projectile vomiting please contact your doctor right away. We are ware that many of you have come to expect deep and exciting plots from me and JF here, and you came to us asking for more... Well, we said no, sorry...
JF: This was originally supposed to be a collaboration, but half-way through, my inspiration kinda gave out on me, so I ended up dumping most of the work on Ulera and actually contributing very little. (Which is STILL too much since I'm SUPPOSED to be on Hiatus, but since I was only going to be doing HALF, well...you know...)
This was originally intended as an excuse for nothing but pure crack, especially after the seriousness of IRSOPH and the movie, but me and Ulera turned it into a chance for plenty of overall plot advancement on both of our parts. And for the record, Fred was originally ULERA'S idea...don't blame ME for this...
Deraj sat in his dark lab, his fingers clicking across his keyboard. The pale light from the monitor cast an eerie glow across his face. It was the only light on in the room and it barely served to illuminate Eolhc's sleeping form sprawled across her workbench.
Deraj would've berated her for sleeping on the job, but for the fact that she had absolutely nothing to do. Project Sue Storm was going nowhere and it was all his fault.
Deraj narrowed his eyes and pounded at the Return key slightly harder than was necessary. Unless he made a breakthrough soon, the big brass were going to pull their funding. If they had just captured Jared in Star Trek they could've started making progress, but the Elimination Society Agent had escaped, unaware of his counterpart's existence.
Deraj slumped back in his chair, exhausted. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept, but suspected it was far later than what was officially healthy.
The Protection Society agent glared at the computer screen. He'd hit so many dead ends in the past several hours he was surprised the computer screen wasn't cracked yet.
He growled. All he needed was--
"Burning the midnight oil?" A voice asked.
Deraj whirled towards the sound, one hand inside his jacket.
Raven materialized from the shadows. His dark coat and hair blended in perfectly with the shadows, giving the appearance that his pale face was floating in mid-air.
"What are you doing in here?" Deraj demanded.
A special protective visor automatically locked into place in front of Deraj's eyes as he drew a shining crowbar from a pocket inside his leather jacket.
"Please, don't waste my time." Quaffed Raven. "I mearly came to be present at the great unveiling of project Sue Storm, it isn't my fault that you still haven't captured an agent to use as a test subject."
Deraj was burning with anger. Raven knew full well Sue Storm was floundering without a test subject, he had just come here to gloat.
"Lightbar!" Deraj yelled as he swung his crowbar at Raven. Raven summoned his sword and with a deliberate slowness blocked the blow. There was a bright flash of light that would have blinded Deraj had it not been for his visor.
Raven swatted Deraj aside with the flat of his sword sending him into a shelf which proceeded to fall on him. Raven laughed summoned a pothole.
"If you wish to do harm on me in the future, I suggest you use something more substantial then your little glow toy." Said the gothic Stu as the plothole closed behind him. Deraj was just dragging himself out from beneath the shelf as Eolhc raised her head blearily from her workbench.
"What happened?" She asked.
"Raven." Her partner snapped as he struggled to his feet.
"You know, it serves you right." Eolhc yawned. "Fighting someone as strong as Raven without back up. So what are you gonna do now?"
Deraj brushed broken glass off of his clothes and turned to face his partner. "Get your gear, he wants to see substantial. I'll show him just how substantial I can get!"
Lily slumped to her knees, her training sword falling from her numb fingers to the ground.
"You OK?" Doug asked, twirling his knife. "You need a break?"
"Yeah...no." Lily sighed, getting to her feet. Every muscle in her body was screaming at her. "I'm sorry, Doug, but I don't think I'm cut out for sword fighting."
Doug frowned. Lily had tried hard, but her skill with a blade was mediocre at best.
"Yeah, you're probably right." The halfling agreed.
"Sorry I wasted your time." Lily called over her shoulder as she headed for the door.
"You didn't waste it." Doug assured her.
Lily forced a smile, but it slid from her face the second Doug was out of sight.
When she was still a Mary-Sue, combat had come to her naturally. She had absorbed the skills and powers of the worlds around her without a second thought and mastered ancient fighting styles in less than an hour. But now that she was stripped of her powers, she realized for the first time just how weak she was. She had never trained in any way, shape, or form. She had no strength to call her own. As such, once she had passed the written test to become an agent, she had gone to just about every single combat-oriented member of the Society and asked them to train her in preparation for her practical exam. So far, none had refused, something that surprised her. She wasn't used to kindness like this yet. It really didn't matter how kind they were to her though, since she was unable to find a fighting style that suited her.
Drake had tried to teach her martial arts, but she lacked the strength and coordination for it.
Tash and Jared had tried to teach her their respective branches of elemental magic, but her spells kept on fizzing out.
Even Chloe had tried to teach her her own unique fighting style, but everything Lily tried to summon was completely useless, which only served to make her even more depressed.
Then Doug had taken her under his wing and tried to teach her marksmanship and swordfighting. Unfortunately, Lily discovered the hard way that she had horrible eyesight, prompting Valerie to recommend glasses or contacts, so marksmanship was out of the question. When it came to swordfighting she found she lacked skill in that as well, for the same reasons she failed at martial arts.
Maybe things will look better after I take a nap. The green haired girl mused as she headed for her bedroom. As she reached for the doorknob, someone put their hands over her eyes and a voice whispered in her ear.
Lily smiled. "Hey, Ben."
"You're supposed to guess, spoilsport." Ben grumbled as he removed his hands and Lily turned around to face him.
The guitarist ran a critical eye over her. "You look like crap." He said bluntly.
"I feel like crap." Lily replied, rubbing her eyes. "I've been all over the Library and I still can't find a weapon or set of abilities I'm good with!"
Ben frowned. "Maybe you just aren't cut out for combat then. You could always become a techie or help Valerie out in the hospital wing."
"But that's not what I want to do!" Lily insisted, meeting his gaze determinedly. "Before, I was fighting against you. But that we're on the same side, I want to fight beside you and nowhere else!"
Ben grinned. "Good answer." He said, digging around in his pocket. "I was going to give this to you for Christmas, but they took a little longer to prepare than I anticipated. So consider this a reward for passing the your written exam" He said.
She held out her hand and felt him drop a number of small metal discs into it.
When he withdrew his hand, Lily's eyes widened as she picked one of the brightly colored metal circles up. "Is this--?"
"I knew you were having trouble finding something you could work with, so I snagged you some Pins from The World Ends With You fandom. I mean, if you can't use something from there, what can you use?"
Lily turned them over in her palm. "First Gear...Excalibur...Anguis...Live Slow, Die Fast...Ice Blow...Wild Line..." She looked up at Ben. "These are some seriously powerful pins! Where did you--?"
"I've got an old World Ends With You fanfic lyingaround that I never finished." Ben explained. "I never thought I'd use it for anything, but when I heard that you were struggling to find your combat forte, I pulled it back up, made some changes, and swiped the pins I thought you might be able to use."
Lily was still in shock, fingering the Pins wonderingly.
Ben cocked his head to one side. "D'you like them?"
She threw her arms around his neck in response.
"I'll take that as a yes, then." Ben chuckled, returning the hug.
"I see you two are having fun."
Lily turned to find Tash standing behind them, smiling.
"Hey, Tash." Ben greeted the de facto leader. "How's it going?"
"Fine, thanks." Tash replied. "I was actually going to invite Lily to go on a little Ladies Night Out with me and the other girls. You wanna come?" She asked the former Sue.
"I'd love to!" Lily cried, but then she bit her lip and looked back at Ben. "Is that OK?"
Ben waved a hand. "Go on," He said. "You deserve a break from all your hard work."
Lily planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "Thanks, Ben! See you later!"
"What're those, Lily?" Tash asked as they walked off.
"They're some Pins Ben made for me! See?"
Ben chuckled and headed for his room, leaving the two females to their own devices. There was something he'd been wanting to try...
Jared frowned and looked up from his toy army men covered workbench. It was quiet. Too quiet. He hadn't heard a peep from Chloe in hours.
"Chloe?" He called, standing. "Are you here?"
A cursory inspection of his lab revealed no sign of her. Figuring she was elsewhere in the Library, Jared went in search of his partner. As he soon discovered, not only was Chloe nowhere to be found, it seemed the entire Library was deserted.
He poked his head into Doug's lab through the hole in the wall still occupied by his pickup. Chloe wasn't there either, he figured as much, seeing as she wasn't that interested on finding a way to relocate the truck without causing the wall to cave in.
He headed for Ben's room and banged on the door. "Ben? You in there?"
"Come on in!" His friends voice sounded from inside, and with a sigh of relief Jared pushed open Ben's door and walked in.
Ben looked away from the mirror he was standing in front of. "What's up?" He asked.
Jared gestured. "What's with the wardrobe change?"
Ben had undergone a fashion transformation. He had swapped out his earbuds in exchange for a set of larger DJ-style, over-ear headphones and in place of his usual worn blue jeans he now wore a pair of baggy black cargo jeans. He had also donned a cheap, thin, black hoodie that hung limply off his broad shoulders, half-unzipped to let his white shirt peek out. He had started to cultivate a small, neat goatee on his chin as well.
He shrugged. "I just felt like it was time for a change. I mean I've been wearing the same thing for like what, a year?"
"I see what you mean." Jared said, eyeing Ben's closet which was full to overflowing with scores of identical pairs of white T-shirts and blue jeans.
"You wanted something?" Ben asked.
"Yeah, have you seen Chloe? I can't seem to find her, or anybody, anywhere!"
"Apparently there's some kind of ladies night going on." Ben explained. "Tash just showed up a second ago to invite Lily along, and I have no clue where Doug or anybody else is."
An evil grin split Jared's face. "So...there's nobody else around is there?"
Ben's eyes narrowed. "No... and I think it's time we continued our last battle, don't you?"
"GODDANGIT!" Ben screamed, flailing around wildly with the Wii Wheel, trying desperately to keep his Mario Kart character on the track.
Jared whistled an old Haggard tune under his breath as he lapped Ben for the fourth time in three minutes.
Ben finally threw down his controller in disgust and glared at Jared. "You know if we were playing the DS version, I'd smoke you."
"Sure you would..." Jared snickered.
Ben muttered something under his breath as he stood up from the couch they were sitting on. "Come on," He said. "We're gonna go do something even you couldn't beat me at."
"What's that?" Jared asked, standing as well.
Jared looked blankly at Ben for a second. "Ben, I like you and all, but--"
"Not like that you moron." Ben groaned. "Have you ever heard of the Elite Beat Agents?"
Deraj noticed that Neb's tomb appeared to be under some kind of attack as he and Eolhc took cover behind some rocks. This seriously put a damper on his plans, Derajcouldn't just waltz into the tomb with all these troops around. He had to find a way to get in unnoticed... that's when he spotted a group of sentries patrolling the perimeter of the engagement zone.
Perfect, he thought to himself.
The stormtrooper closest to Deraj never even heard the Protection Society Agent approach until it was too late. Deraj's shining crowbar was smashed with ferocious strength against the eyepiece of his helmet, blinding him as it gave off a brilliant blast of light, Deraj finished him off with a quick neck snap.
"Subduction!" He yelled as he thrust an open palm at three of the soldiers, they yelled as the ground beneath them exploded and flung them into a large outcrop of rocks.
Eolhc made her move, appearing from the shadows and stabbing a trooper in the back. She pulled her blade out and turned towards another group that was charging at her.
"Disenchanto!" She shouted, summoning a large disc shaped shield that absorbed the gunfire that the troops sent her direction, she waited until they were out of ammunition before hittinga switch on her shield causing razor sharp blades to appear at regular intervals along it's circumference. She took a step backward and disappeared into the shadows the sun cast on the rocks, the storm troopers didn't even feel their own decapitation when she appeared behind him and swung her shield through their necks.
"Freeze!" Yelled a trooper pointing a gun at Deraj and Eolhc's backs.
Deraj face curled as he gave an evil grin, he muttered something beneath his breath.
The trooper was helmet flew off as he was blown into the air by exploding ground, Derajwalked over to the spot he fell as he drew a single shot revolver from his jacket.
"Who are you two?" The tropper said as he coughed up dirt and blood.
"I'm Batman." Deraj said as he pulled the trigger.
Eolhc turned to her partner, "Care to let me in on this plan, O fearless leader?" She asked.
Deraj turned his back on the dead trooper, "We'll take a pair of their uniforms and join the charge, with any luck we'll arrive at the tomb at the same time as the rest of the ground troops."
Eolhc prodded one of the fallen soldiers with her foot, "This one's still alive."
"What! After I already had my dramatic finish? Well if anybody asked we let that guy live... to uuuhhhh, send a message or something, now help me find this guys helmet."
Jared emerged from the inside of the monitor room, carrying a loaned plotholegenerator. He was having to use a regular Generator until he got Chevila repaired and relocated back into his lab. Had he been paying attention to any of the monitors in the room he would have noticed the massive build up of Stu-ish energies present inside the fandom he and Ben were planning on diving into. He ran into his room in order to quickly grab his flannel jacket before meeting up with Ben.
"Took you long enough, you ready?" Ben said, snickering at Jared's unusual attire.
"Should I bring my Boomhammer?"
"I don't see why you'd need it, this isn't a mission you know,"
Deraj and Eohlc were running straight towards the great metal complex that loomed ahead of them, indistinguishable from the surrounding stormtroopers in their stolen uniforms, Deraj made himself a mental reminder to make the suggestion to High Command that they start manufacturing these uniforms for possible infiltration missions into the hated Author Douglas' army. They finally reached the structure just as they saw the one they knew as "Terry" from the war reports they had read tapping on the steel door.
"Six inch steel," they heard him say into a surveillance camera.
"Make a line of Semtex plastic explosives across its diameter. The weight should do the rest," The camera replied. Terry nodded as he and someone Deraj didn't recognize began to place explosives near the door. Deraj made another mental reminder to read more war reports, he couldn't even imagine what the strategy behind attacking a tomb could accomplish.
The explosives went off and the door fell in, troopers immediately tied ropes near the entrance and entered the complex, Deraj and Eolhc joined them in the center off the complex, activating ray shields as soon as they reached hard ground, the two Protection Society agents doing their best to let the fact they had no ray shields go unnoticed. Automated machine guns Deraj himself had installed began to fire. Deraj and Eolhcdidn't even bother taking cover due to the fact the guns were designed with sensors that prevented them from firing on Protection Society members. When the automatic weapons were taken out the troops made their way deeper into the complex, Eolhc managing to overhear bits of conversation between the leaders as they walked.
"Sir, our sentry unit isn't responding to communications, I think something might have happened to them."
"Alright, send someone to go check it out... Hello, what's this? Hey! I've found something!"
Terry and Ivan rushed over to the spot where Neb was layed. Terry and Ivan covered their noses and shined their lights on an inscription on a metal pipe.
"Here lies Neb. May this be a testament to the struggle of the PCMSPS to make the world a perfect place."
Terry and Ivan were talking with each other but Deraj wasn't listening, he was busy grinning at how easily his mission was progressing, Eolhc grabbed him and dragged him into the shadows, Deraj didn't mind, she was much better at the whole stealth thing than he was.
The troopers began to make their way out of the tomb, once they all had left Deraj and Eolhc ran over to Neb's corpse, throwing off their helmets.
"The decomposition might prove to be a problem, and there seems to be a quite a bit of internal injury but for the most part I think most of Neb's remains are salvageable," Deraj said as he tried to force Neb's corpse into a bodybag.
"Hey Deraj, do you hear that?" Eolhc asked.
Deraj looked up and listened, the sound of powerful rocket boosters began to fill his ears. He activated his visor and switched on the X-ray filter.
"Oh, crap!" Was all he managed to say as he saw the nuke enter the tomb.
Ben and Jared stepped out in the middle of some sort of real world library setting, Jared turned to Ben.
"So what's the deal with this fandom again?"
"Well the whole plot of this game is centered around a government agency that seeks out people in trouble, then they dance for them to provide them with the energy and support they need to get out of said trouble."
"It is, but it's ridiculous in a fun way."
"Okay, so what now?"
The duo turned to survey their surroundings, eventually they spotted two people sitting at two of the library computers. It appeared they were both writing fanfiction, and not only that but they both had a serious case of writers block.
Ben turned to Jared. "Okay, so it looks like that we're going to have to help them finish their story. Get ready, they're about to scream for help."
Sure enough as soon as Ben and Jared had swallowed their magic pills the two at the computers turned to each other.
"This collaboration's gonna suck! I just know it," Said one of them.
"Yeah, I can't even think of a clever title!"
"We're screwed, we need some inspiration, somebody..." They both looked up at the sky, simultaneously letting out a cry of:
"Here we go!" Ben said as up-tempo techno music began to play. Jared and Ben began to move automatically, getting ready to dance when the ceiling beside them caved in, three people fell through the hole wearing formal suits. Two were members of the Elite Beat Agents: J and Spin. The other was a Gary-Stu.
"What are you two doing here!?" The Stu yelled.
"We were about to settle our differences via dance off, what are you doing here?" Jared yelled.
"I aim to bring perfection to this organization, I am Two-Step Hip Hop Disco Polka Rap Breakdance Hula the forth!"
"What kind of name is that?" Ben asked.
"The perfect kind of course, prepare to be destroyed!"
Jared whispered to Ben, "I left my Boomhammer at the library, and you don't have Bahamut either, how do you suggest we take this guy?"
"I have an idea, let's give it a try," He turned to the Stu, "I'll tell you what Two-Step, we don't want a fight, and I doubt someone with a name as dorky as yours can fight either. So how about this, you beat us in a dance, we leave, we beat you you come with us. Deal?"
Jared elbowed Ben in the ribs. "Are you nuts? What if we lose?
Ben shot Jared a grin. "No worries. I won Best Dancer at the Winter Formal Freshmen and Junior year, remember? And I doubt even a Stu can match my Fast-Step!"
"What about Sophomore year?"
"Eh, I didn't go that time..."
Two Step turned towards the agents. "Okay, I was fully prepared to beat the justice into you, but it would just be easier to dance it into you. Shall we begin?"
Ben struck an overly dramatic pose. "Agents are...GO!"
Five minutes later, both Ben and Jared could only stare wide-eyed with their jaws on the floor.
"How in the name of Ozzy can he get his legs that high?" Ben asked in shock.
"I'm more curious about how he did that many backflips in mid-air without throwing up!" Jared responded.
The ambient music finished with a flourish as Two-Step struck a flashy pose.
"Ben," Jared said. "I never thought I'd say this, but you just got owned in a dance-off..."
The two figures at the computer turned to each other.
"I've got it!" One of them exclaimed. "These guys cheer people on, right? And they're a government organization!"
"Yeah!" The other agreed. "So Government Funded Male Cheerleaders!"
The two shared a high five before turning back to their computers and typing madly.
Jared frowned. "These guys seem awfully familiar..."
Two-Step smirked. "I win. Now run along home, little boys."
Ben's growled. "This isn't over yet!"
"If you say so..." Two-Step mocked as the two vanished back through a Plothole.
"Well, I guess that's that." Jared sighed once they were back in the Library. "We better tell Tash we've got another one on the loose."
"No." Ben snapped. "Have you forgotten? Tash is still out partying with Chloe and all the other girls! We're going to take care of this ourselves. Besides," He said, clenchinghis fists. "My pride as Dance King of our high school is on the line. I'm not going to just forget this!"
"But he already beat us once!" Jared protested. "How are we supposed to take down someone who can do a pirouette on his nose?"
"I can only think of one way... Jared," He said, turning to his friend. "It's time for you to meet Fred..."
Jared and Ben stepped out of a plothole into a vast ancient Greek temple, statues depicting great works of literature surrounded the place. Jared upon Ben's request had brought his Boomhammer, although he couldn't imagine why.
"What is this place?" Asked Jared.
"It's called the Hall of the Persona. It's one of the wonders of the multiverse, this is where the creative energies of the universe congregate at." Ben replied.
Jared still looked confused.
"Think about it like this," Ben explained. "Think of inspiration or creative energy as actual energy. Well, you need that energy to write effectively, don't you? It's like fuel. So where does it go after you use it?"
"Here?" Jared supplied.
"Exactly. To be completely honest, this is more of a meta-physical realm than anything else, kind of like an Imagination."
Jared walked down the hall, noticing a that every column had a door embedded into it. Above each door was an engraving listing a name and occupation, like "Orfius, Great Persona of Horror" and "Nathius, Great Persona of Comedy"
"When creative energy arrives here, depending on the topic or genre it was used for, it get's channeled into one of The Great Persona."
"The Persona? Who're they?"
"Creativity made manifest. They are, quite literally, their genre given human form. There is one for every genre in the universe, and many have Lesser Persona's under them for sub-genres. Whatever you do don't visit Gary's."
"He's the Lesser Persona of Mpreg."
"And don't even make eye contact with his boss, Maria, she's the Persona of Romance. I said hello to her in the hall one day and the next thing I knew I was married with five kids."
Jared looked incredulous. "Just how many illegitimate children do you have?"
Ben shrugged. "I lost count...don't tell Lily..."
"So... Fred lives here?" Jared asked.
"Yes... and no, it's rather complicated." Ben replied.
"So who is Fred exactly?"
"Fred is my mentor, or sensei if you will. He taught me everything I know about nukes and coffee. I he can't teach us how to defeat that Stu, nobody can. His room is over there."
Jared didn't know if he wanted to meet the person taught Ben how to fight they way he did, but he supposed they had no choice.
The two walked down the hall a bit until reaching a pillar painted in gold glitter paint with a green door. Hanging above the door was a different sign than the other pillars had. Instead of a name and title it just said "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."
"Ignore that, it's only meant to discourage traveling salesmen..." Ben said, pressing his ear to the door.
"Larry! If you interrupt my meditation just ONE more time, I'm going to dye you purple again!"
The booming voice from the other side of the door made Ben wince and rub his ear, something which Jared considered an impressive feat considering the the volume of the music he listened to.
"Okay, we can go in... he's in a good mood."
Ben began to open the door.
"Jared, allow me to introduce you to Fred, the Great Persona of Crack..."
Jared stepped through the door only to find himself on the top of a giant mountain. Jared frowned and stooped down to examine the mountain further.
"Ben! This whole mountain is nothing but a massive pile of mash potatoes!"
"Who dares defile the sanctity of Mount Rushmash?" A voice bellowed.
Jared turned and quickly looked around for the nearest convenient object to gouge his eyes out with.
An eight foot tall, eight-hundred pound bald man with a bushy mustache was sitting in a meditative pose beneath a literal waterfall of gravy. He was wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra.
He turned to face the the pair and when he saw Ben he threw up his flabby arms up into the air and his mustache erupted into a handlebar shape.
"Ben! It's good to see you my boy! How have you been? Why, I haven't seen you since before you ran off to join that Society of yours!"
"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING!?" Jared screamed.
Fred turned to the newcomer. "Oh, are we making introductions? That's an interesting name, but far too long for my taste, I shall just call you Whatey. I am Fred, recently inducted into the Hall to take up the mantel of Persona of Crack."
"Uh, my name's not Whaty, it's Jar-"
Fred suddenly turned a very violent shade of red. "ARE YOU CORRECTING ME!?" He screamed at the top of his lungs. His mustache suddenly bloomed into a exclamation point and the gravy fall was suddenly blown back and stopped flowing. All the gravy covering Fred began to evaporate.
Ben nudged Jared. "Never correct Fred, he doesn't like it."
"Never mind sir, I just forgot my own name. It actually is Whatey," said Jared backing away slowly.
"Good, now that that's out of the way, I'd like you to meet Larry."
Ben began to laugh, Jared just looked around, frightened.
"Where is he?" Jared said, pulling out his Boomhammer.
Fred laughed, "Larry is the name of my mustache. Some people once commented that I didn't have a very expressive face. They have long since been eaten...Kidding! Only kidding, I don't eat people... unless they're in season that is. Well anyway, I grew Larry as a way of visually emoting in a more expressive fashion, the little fellow has been my companion ever since. I rely on him completely for any information regarding the outside world. He can pick up radio waves you know."
Jared frowned. "Rely on your moustache for information on the outside world? Why don't you go check yourself?"
"Fred hasn't moved from that spot in the lat five thousand years." Ben explained.
Jared frowned. "Then how does he go to the--"
"Don't ask." Ben stepped forward to address the Persona.
"We recently got our hats handed to us in a dance off, we have come to seek your wisdom O mighty Fred. Can you help us?"
One side of Larry suddenly elongated and began to scratch the top of Fred's head.
"Hhhhhmmmm, I regret to inform you Ben, but there is nothing more I can teach you...But" He turned to Jared. "You on the other hand! I can indeed train you, come here!"
Jared began to run but Ben tackled him.
"Relax, I went through his training and I'm alright," He said, hauling Jared to his feet.
"I'm not exactly feeling all warm and fuzzy..." Jared said nervously.
Ignoring the altercation between the two, Fred reached into one of the many rolls of his fat and pulled out a small red book and handed it to Jared. "This will be your training manual."
"Wait a second!" Jared said. "This is a book of MadLibs!" He quickly flipped through it. "It's already been all filled in!"
Ben gave an evil smirk. "Exactly..."
Fred voice echoed throughout the canyon. "Whatey! Your training starts... Now!"
"First training exercise!" Bellowed Fred.
"Are you ready?" Ben asked.
"No..." Jared moaned from where he was standing on a high table.
"Oh, come on!" Ben scoffed. "This is one of the easy ones! All you have to do is fall!"
A light clicked on in Jared's brain. "Oh, so it's one of those Trust Fall things right?"
Ben shrugged. "Yeah, something like that. Now could you please turn that light in your brain off? It's kinda creepy seeing your ears glow like that."
"Sorry." Jared's ears stopped pulsating.
"Ready?" Jared asked.
Jared closed his eyes, turned around and started to fall backwards only to have Ben step out of the way and send him crashing to the ground.
"Owwww!" Jared rubbed his head. "Why didn't you catch me?"
"You always want someone else to do the work for you, don't you?"
"Second training exercise!" Fred yelled from a floating television screen inside the training room.
Jared was standing in a wrestling ring, the floor of which was made of Jello.
"How can this possibly help us beat Two-Step?" Jared yelled.
Instead of answering Ben just grinned. "Release the teddy bears!" Fred yelled.
Swarms of teddy bears began to pour in from the ceiling, all of which were red eyed and foaming at the mouth.
"Tremor!" Jared yelled as he stomped the ground. The Jello floor shook and wobbled violently beneath Jared and caused him to fall over.
"Who's stupid idea was this!?" Jared pleaded as teddy bears over ran him.
"Sorry Jared, but this is how it's written in the manual." Ben said, waving the book of Mad Libs.
"Die you miserable varmits!" Yelled Jared as he strangled one of the teddy bears. He had almost beaten it when he was suddenly over swept by a tidal wave of the furry creatures. All you could see was the end of the Boomhammer sticking out from underneath the giant dog-pile up until the point Jared passed out.
"Third training exercise!" Fred bellowed from his monitor. This time Jared and Ben were standing in the middle of a small desert hut.
Jared was blindfolded and holding his Boomhammer out in front of him while a potato shaped pinata was hung from the ceiling in front of him.
"That's it? Hit the pinata? Seems pretty straight forward compared to some of the other stuff I've been put through."
Jared raised his Boomhammer and prepared to strike, when the pinata suddenly swung forward on it's string and hit Jared between the eyes.
Jared winced and prepared to strike back, "You know, would it really be such a bad thing if we let Two Step have the EBA fandom? I'm sure nobody would mind..." He managed to stutter before beinghit in the gut by a roundhouse swing.
Jared swung the hammer blindly, almost hitting Ben a time or two.
"Use the force Luke..." Ben laughed,
"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! SANDSTORM!" Jared yelled while throwing the Boomhammer aside and thrusting his hands into the air, the floor just about exploded sending furniture and and dust flying everywhere, Ben was blown through the entry way back onto one of the many piles that formed Mount Rushmash. All Ben could hear was Jared screaming and the sounds of earth waves disrupting mounds of potato, until finally the hut collapsed, Jared crawled out holding the pinata.
"I... I... I did it," he said removing the blindfold. The first thing he noticed was the four faces carved into the side of the mountain facing him.
"What is that?" He asked.
"Oh, those are the four faces of Mount Rushmash. See? There's Little Kuriboh, The Knight Who Says 'Ni', Mother Teresa and Chuck Norris." Ben said, "Now that your training is over, lets go visit Fred."
"I'm already here!" Bellowed the obese personification of crack.
Ben and Jared turned around.
"Fred! What are you doing here? You haven't moved from that spot beneath Gravy Falls since-"
"I remember when the King of Red Lions was still in power in Hyrule. Nice place, until the Gods decided to flood it. Kind of hurt the tourist business you know. I still have the tunic he gave me. I never wear it though, it's uncomfortably warm."
Jared shot Ben a glance, as if to ask if this guy was for real. Ben shrugged.
"Now that your training is complete, Whatey, you shall have no trouble vanquishing your foe in a dance-off!"
Jared frowned. "Wait a second. All I did was fall off a table, get mobbed by a horde of teddy bears and beat up a pinata. What does that have to do with making me a better dancer?"
"Nothing whatsoever!" Fred cried. "Let's go!"
Two Step was busy teaching the Elite Beat Divas some of his best dance moves back at the EBA headquarters.
He was liking this fandom, not only were these beauties falling all over him, but his uncanny dancing skills made him widely accepted throughout the organization. Commander Kahn had even stepped down and handed over his position as leader of the organization despite Two Step instance that he didn't deserve it.
He was just about to show the divas how to do the Charleston when the monitor on the wall lit up again, indicating there was trouble back at the library he had first entered the fandom in. He turned towards the video feed and spotted the two agents that had bothered him earlier. They both appeared to be wielding their respective weapons. He smiled to himself. The fools don't know what there gettinginto, he wasn't planningon letting them off the hook so easily this time...
The two people working on the fanfictionfrom earlier were still there, but by the looks of it they were just about done. They were having trouble writingthe conclusion however, and the library was closingin an hour. The two had to work fast, they had forgotten to bring their flashdrives with them so they had to finish the fic and upload it fast or risk all their work being lost forever.
"HHHHEEEAAAAALLLLPPPPP!" They yelled, on the verge of panic.
Predictably, Two Step, with a virtual swarm of divas swarmed into the room.
"I assume you two have come to try to take me by force..." He said to Ben and Jared who were looking over the shoulders of the two at the computers.
"Nope, same deal as last time," Jared said with a smirk as he straightened up.
"Really now? I thought your little lesson from earlier would be enough to teach you two to stay out of my way."
"Ah, but this time we brought ourselves a backup dancer!" Ben said, giving an evil grin.
Jared put his fingers to his lips and let out a furious whistle. A navy blue semi-truck with a Chevy logo on it crashed through the wall behind the two, knocking over several bookshelves. Fred himself was behind the wheel.
"Agents are go!" He bellowed, while flicking the radio on and literally rolling out the door to stand behind the pair. The Diva's shrieked and covered their eyes, and even Two-Step looked vaguely repulsed. "What are you wearing?" The Stu asked.
Fred had discarded his coconut bra and grass skirt in favor of the white thong and red attire of one of the Elite Beat Diva's himself.
"Oh, you like it?" He asked. "I must say it's much more comfortable than my last outfit. You wouldnt't believe the places I got a rash..."
Meanwhile, Chevila had coasted to a stop off to the side of the action. Ben looked up at the Library's clock. "We've got five minutes before closing time and those two lose their work forever."
He turned back to Two-Step. "Agents are...GO!"
Jared raised a hand and snapped his fingers. A swinging voice with an obviously Texas accent began to blare from Chevila's speakers.
Well, I got a bumper sticker, on the back of my truck There ain't another like it, 'Cause I had it made up I can tell who's behind me, they give themselves away, lay on their horn when they read this phrase...
Ben shot Jared a glance as he began to dance a jig.
"Hey, if you say anything about King George Strait, me and you are going to have some problems..." Jared said as Ben joined in.
Fred didn't even attempt to do anything remotely country, instead he just put his hands together and began to kick his enormous legs alternatively out in front of him, somehow managing to have perfect rhythm, despite the fact the floor of the library nearly buckled every time he came down on it.
"I'm afraid you're going to have to better than that, boys." Two Step laughed as his half of the library erupted into a regular hoe down. He began to doesydoe-ing with a Diva so fast that the centrifugal force only permitted them to have one foot on the ground.
The trio kept dancing, and despite their best efforts it appeared Two Step was still winning. The song finished and the two writers at the computer began to stir.
"Alright, here goes something!" Yelled one of them and began furiously typing, not even pausing to spell check. In typical cartoon fashion flames began to spew from the edges of the keyboard.
"Yes! Training montage! Ooh, Fred joining the two agents would defiantly add a dramatic aspect to the story," said the other writer who wasn't typing.
Fred wiped a tear from his eye with his mustache. "Such a beautiful display of crack..."
"Sorry, I'm not used to dancing in these clothes." Jared said, adjusting his belt.
"Time for round two!" Yelled Ben and Chevila's radio abruptly switched from Jared's usual classic country station over to DragonForce's"E.P.M." Video game sound effects mixed with ridiciulously fast duelingelectric guitars and keyboards filled the library. The Extreme Power Metal emerging from Chevila's speakers was so fast that the music began to distort the air and leave scorch marks behind it.
In a lifetime of decay, a sudden cry for yesterday, when the world will see the end of eternity!
Two-Step and the Diva he was dancing with stumbled and fell. "Changing the song? That's cheating!" He shouted as he tried to transition from Country to Metal.
"Hey, it works! And while you're there on the floor not dancing, we seem to be winning!" Ben said as he broke out into his Fast-Step. Jared had no hope of duplicating Ben's seizure-like display, so he stood beside him playing air guitar.
"I've got an idea!" Fred shouted as he waddled towards Chevila as quickly as he could. He somehow managed to haul his massive girth up onto the hood of the truck and with a shout of "Stage dive!" leaptspread-eagled towards the Elite Beat Divas. The scantily-clad dancers screamed and scattered, leaving Fred to crash straight through the library floor, making the entire building shake and knocking over several bookcases.
"I'm OK!" He shouted, sticking a flabby arm up through the hole and making the rock horns.
Two Step desperately tried to get back into rhythm, but his Divas as canon characters we're still trying to dance like the song had not changed.
"You're slipping..." Ben taunted as the song ended with a blazing flourish.
"Hey, I'll take over," said one of the writers, relieving the other at the keyboard. Fire once again erupted from the keyboard as he began to type.
"Yes, Fred should totally pull Chevila out of the wall when he goes to help out the two on their mission."
Jared turned to his truck. "You hear that girl? It sounds like you have a common name."
Ben looked at the pair. "I swear I've seen those two somewhere before..."
"My turn!" Yelled Fred as he climbed out of the hole. Hurrying back over to Chevila he reached for the radio. "Don't Cha" By the Pussycat Dolls began to play as Fred reached into his seemingly endless folds of fat and pulled out two bananas.
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't cha...
All color drained from Jared's face.
"He's not..." He said weakly.
"He is..." Ben confirmed, as terrified as Jared was.
Fortunately for the sanity of everyone reading this fic, Two-Step chose that moment to intervene.
"This charade has gone on long enough!"He yelled, angered by the latest song change. A sword seemingly materialized from nowhere in his hand and he charged at the group, the song abruptly ending.
Jared gripped his Boomhammer and Ben raised Bahamut.
"You interrupted my song!" Yelled Fred, charging forward and swiping the Agent's weapons from them as he ran by.
"Boomhammer!" Fred yelled as he raised Bahamut above his head bringing it down hard on the Stu head. Ben winced, assuming Fred had made a mistake. He watched, expecting his guitar to shatter, to his surprise however the guitar let out a great boom and knocked Two-Step to the ground. Fred followed up with a back handed sweep and flung the Stu up against the library wall.
"Eat Metal!" Fred yelled, throwing Bahamut aside gripping Jared's hammer as if it were a guitar. Jared was awestruck as lighting burst forth from the tip of the hammer and blasted the Stu.
Two-Step fell to the ground unconscious and Jared ran over and prohibited him.
"Thanks for your help Fred, we couldn't have done it without you." Jared said, decanonizing Chevila.
"No problem Whatey, it feels good to move once every mellinia..."
"So what are you going to do now?" Jared asked as he and Ben threw the unconscious Stu into the bed of the truck.
Fred stroked Larry contemplatively. "Now that I'm mobile again, I think It's time to broaden my cultural horizons. And from what I've heard, this 'Twilight' is the greatest cultural force in your world!
Both Ben and Jared froze. "Wait...Twilight?"
"Wait Fred!" Jared began to say, but it was to late. The Great Persona of Crack reached into one of the many folds of his fat and pulled out a Plothole Generator. The next thing Jared and Ben knew, Fred was gone.
They both started at the place where Fred had vanished for several seconds.
"He's not coming back, is he?" Ben asked at last.
"The world may never know." Jared replied.
Jared and Ben got into the cab and returned to the Library Arcanium, the fandom reverting to the way it was supposed to be, except for the two at the computers...
Ulera turned to James Firebrand, "Do you ever have the feeling you're being watched?"
Ulera: And there you have it, this is the highest amount of crack I have ever written, and I must say that for sanity's sake I must never come close to this level again....
JF: I REGRET NOTTHHEEEEEING!