Disclaimer: I do not own this Tite Kubo does.
If u see something that is new that means that is is mine. Please ask if u want to use it, that I have no worries with. If i used something you have read before i am sorry please contact me to let me know who you are or ur buddies are so that you, or them my recieve your credit, where it is due.
Threesome X-over Bleach+Naruto+Sailor Moon(brief mentions of sailor moon stuff)
Parings Shunsui Kyōraku+ /FemNaru Uzumaki because I think they are both under appreicated as characters.
Warnings, Violence, Sex, mentions of drug use and nudity as well as a colorful vocabulary :D and hopefully epic in length, my favoi
Karma is a Bitch
"Uh, god my head. What the fuck happened last night? Oh god, what crawled into my mouth and died there? Morning breath and cotton mouth,gross." Bleary blue eyes peering out from under her pillow to look at the time on the other side of the room, which just happened to be four feet away. With an exhausted thump of her head she burrowed back into the warmth and was just about to go to sleep when. She. Heard. It.
It had never existed before until now.
A snore and it was coming from the other side of her bed, she never ever used.
She slowly with years of experience to draw from to out maneuver her caretakers and body guards with many many years of honed hunter prey instincts born from desperation. She slowly turned her head to peek out from under her pillow at the THING she had brought home unknowingly with her in her drunken stupor last night.
"Oh boy." Her blue eyes wide in shock and revolted horror.
She was looking at the one person she did not ever want to wake up with since he is know as the worst womanizer in the last 2000 years for a reason.
Her hand moved a quick as molasses to touch the image, to check for illusions and the off chance she had a roofie slipped into her Long Island iced tea last night.
And thats when she saw it!The sparkle and the winking of a golden band on the wrong hand and the most important part, the wrong finger of said hand.
Blue eyes were flabbergasted and numbness fell over her body as her mind went into shock.
"FUCK!" She said aloud much to her sleeping partner's displeasure. He smiled as he rolled over throwing his arm around the petite female and sneaking the other arm under her head and neck to nuzzle into the fine blond hair, and breathing deeply of her scent and pheromones. "Oh, Hell No!" she whispered as she started wriggling out of his warm embrace.
He smirked just a tiny bit at the ladies protest and got a positively wicked idea.
"Umm, you smell so good Nanao-chan!" He said with a happy moan and a excited twitch of his bare hips and genitals. "OH FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M OUTTA HERE!"
The blond swung her legs over the side of the western style bed, and viciously ripped off her sleeping partner's covers and wrapped herself in it, and left the room.
He smiled a little victory smile and rolled back over covering his arm over his eyes to keep the sun out of them. Rolling back over onto his other side he sought with one hand out to close one side of the drapes when he saw why he sleeping companion was so upset/angry. There staring back at him was the culprit. A golden band that wasn't there yesterday, but it was there now.
"Ukitake- kun would love this."
His eyes closed and he let out a low groan, and just lay there dead to the world for a few minutes or a few hours he wasn't sure all he knew was that there was a beautiful angry woman standing threateningly over him with a squirt bottle.
"Why in the hell are you still here?"She demanded with wild fire dancing in her eyes as she raised the bottle up in a more threating manner.
"Where did you get that lovely Kimono?" The long wavy haired brunet asked the angry pig tailed blond in a lazy care free tone of voice. Her blue eyes blazed with renewed fervor and aimed the bottle with extreme prejudice.
"None of your fucking business you freak!" and she proceed to squirt the man out of the bed down the hall and into the bathroom.
All the household staff looked at each other with knowing proud eyes, and proceed to get the couples first meal together as the older man changed.
One older kitchen staffer looked over at her husband and said with sappy smile "Do you remember when we were like that, all those years ago?"
The older man in his 70's looked at the matron and smiled but was interrupted when they all heard the man laugh. The man's loud chuckles that seemed to reach across the manor's grounds, it was nice to hear.
"Yes, but I don't quite recall laughing that loudly at you, dear." He smiled back at his wife of 300 years and patted her hand before stoking the fire in the wooden grate before his wife started the new Master's and Mistress's breakfast.
~~*An Hour later*~~
If there ever was an intense atmosphere it was at the Uzumaki Manor. Let me describe the scene. A confidently loudly boasting pony tailed brunet and a sizzle short fused blond, mix it together and what do you get? A Nuclear holocaust of epic proportions.
"And there you were drunk out of your mind, betting me in that game of poker that you wouldn't lose. You bet me your hand in marriage, since you were out of poker chips. An Renji had already won your first kiss, Kenpachi a duel at your convince, a. k. a ., as soon as he sees you. Byakuya a batch of home made cookies, and my favorite a water color for Ukitake-kun. " The dark haired man looked over the rim of his tea cup an smirked a lady killer that he had perfected over the last 2000 years.
Oh yeah, he so had her. Hook, line and sinker. Too bad she wasn't much smarter. He frowned mentally at that thought. No one was a challenge any more. With a sigh he predicted what she would do or say next. She would get all teary eyed and cry. Asking if she really did do those things.
"I call bullshit. I have never ever, not even once, lost at a game of poker. Piss drunk,wounded and high. So your barking up the wrong tree, if you think for even a second that I will believe a word that has passed through your foul deceitful lips" And with that the blond flipped him the bird and went back to eating her Miso soup,fried eggs and grilled eel ignoring his presence altogether.
His eyes gleamed maybe his new little spite-fire bride was going to be more of a challenge. He watched the blond from the corner of his eye and saw her pat her plump rose colored lips with her red napkin and motioned for a servant over to her.
The cute red headed servant walked quickly over to her mistress's side and sat beside the short legged table and her mistress.
The blond lent her head towards the servant's ear and whispered her orders to her in quick choppy sentences.
Shunsui tried to eavesdrop into the conversation all he caught was a few words, ten minutes, everyone, and Ami. He had no idea what the little blond was playing at, but he always loved a good intrigue.
"Now Rose." The blond's usually chipper attitude was depleted to nil when she woke up and it continued down into the negatives as her morning progressed. She swore to give up booze after this little fiasco was behind her and the it rumor mill it would generate had officially died it's natural death.
"Yes madame." And with a squeaky exhale of her mistress's title she was already darting to the other side of the room throwing the Shoji doors open and closed quickly to do her master's bidding.
"You didn't have to scare her." Shunsui said after he put the tea cup down.
"You can mind your own business captain. What I do in my own castle is no concern of yours."
"Actually yes it does, since we are husband and wife now." Shunsui turned his head to face the blond and watched her with dark stormy gray eyes.
"That remains to be proven." She turned her heart shaped face towards his own and lent towards him and said in a low tone of voice. "I would never ever willingly marry a disgusting loathsome perverted horny little toad like you in my existence, even if my life was on the line, and you were the last man on earth.."
"Never say never. Because we somehow ended up married so you must have seen what all the other ladies have seen in me!" The long haired man boasted.
"Yes I did find something in you that must have appealed to me in my drunken stupor." She dead panned right back at the handsome man. He didn't need an even more massive ego.
"Don't worry you will fall in love with me sooner or later." The man said confidently.
"When pigs fly."The blond shot back viciously, her patience was up with the insufferable man.
The screen doors opened quickly and the same servant she sent out earlier was back towing a short dark blue haired blue eyed beauty in a dark blue halter top and khaki slacks and cute little Mary Jane scandals.
The woman bowed her head to the blond and getting one back in return approached her.
"I have heard what has happened, your mother will be so excited to hear it." The blue haired woman smiled happily at the irate blond and turned her head towards the man before her bowing head slightly and placing her hand out to shake the new husband's hand in greeting.
"Hello there, I am Ami. Her aunt." her voice chimed towards the rugged handsome man.
"Hello there beautiful. So how old are you? Not jail bait I hope, you do look rather young to me to be this sour pusses Aunt." He thumbed in the direction of his right hand side.
The blue bobbed haired woman looked back over towards the blond and smiled at her before saying, "Naru, you sly dog, I didn't know you were into the rugged out door types." Her voice was bubbly and melodious with a hint of teasing in it.
"I only do when I'm piss drunk." Was the terse reply before she continued,
"Anyway, no time for chit chatting today Aunty, I need your help finding something and your the only person I can count on to find it." The blond was looking at her aunt more seriously then she had ever done so before.
"Ok, Naru-chan, but what is it you need me to find?" The beautiful woman was suddenly all business like in 0.5 seconds flat.
"Its a piece of paper very important and vital to my future. It's about yeah, and so."
Naru moved her hands in the rough size of the document's length and width being as vague as possible.
"I have no clue where it is, so... I called you up. Think you can help me?" The blond gave her Aunt huge blue teary kicked puppy dog eyes to drive her point home.
"What is this document?" Ami's keen blue eyes fell upon her niece piercing and putting together all the little pieces of information she had and it clicked.
"You mean you lost it? NARU how can you lose something so important?" The blue haired woman said in a terse short clipped voice.
"Please Ami. I won't ask of you another favor for the next ten years. You have my word." The blond was tired already and it was only brunch.
"Deal." The blue bobbed haired woman looked at her niece one last time before taking her tiny super computer out of her pocket flipped the screen and typed a few words into the data pad and started slowly walk in a circle until it beeped.
"It's some where in the east wing Naru." Ami said as she shut off her computer with a flip of its' screen. "Best of luck Naru-chan. I have to get back to work, so take care." And with that parting shot she left giving a wave back to her niece as she walked out of the eating hall and out of the building.
A drawn out sigh made the petite blond look over to her husband and sigh as well.
"No joke." Naru said tiredly before she perked back up almost immediately forgetting her melancholy as she recalled what she was suppose to be doing. Slapping he fist in her palm as she made devious plans of...
Getting rid of her new Husband.
And it all would start as soon as she got her greedy little hands on that document.
"Hell yeah!" With that the blond took off into the direction of the east wing flash stepping her way there as quickly as possible, she still had a lot of work to do today before she could even hope to get started on without the uselessness of her husband to be her ball and chain so to speak.
"Intriguing." Kyōraku mused to himself as he sat quitely eating the last of his breakfast smiling a lazy content smile as he slowly sipped his cooling tea.
The opening of the door alerted him to the presence of and older lady judging by the feel of her soul energy before she even completed stepping into the room.
A old wrinkled kind grandmotherly face turned towards the roguishly good looking older man and smiled at her new master before bowing towards the distinguished captain.
"Good morning master, My name is Ai Akio Head Stewardess of the Uzumaki Estates. Is there anything else I can do for you?" The old lady asked with utmost respect head still bowed low to the eccentric noble.
"No need for formalities." Said the captain of the 8th division before he said something else in his lazy drawl. "Can I ask you a question?"
"You just did,but yes, I can answer another, Master." The head stewardess said in a sly coy voice teasing her new master testing the waters for the other servants knowing she would get in very little trouble with her mistress, if any at all for offending the new master. She just had to stall for a few more minutes knowing her mistress was blitzing the west wing with her clones to find that troublesome document.
"I just noticed that I don't even know my wife's name. Or well, anything at all about her, can you tell me anything?" The older brown haired male chuckled in slight embarrassment.
Ai looked at the other occupant of the room as if he had another head, she was so surprised and startled. She asked the embarrassed man in a gob smacked tone of voice laced heavily with a surreal amount of credulousness of the new Master "You mean to tell me you don't know anything about the woman you married at all? Not even her name,her age or anything, not even what she does for a living? You know nothing of her combat record, her services to Soul Society? NOTHING!" She finished in a shrill voice, "Pardon me master!" The elder woman quickly got up from her lotus position and hurried out of the room opening and closing the rice paper doors quickly, once she was out of the room the whole building's residents could hear her laughter.
"It wasn't meant to be funny." The man said to the now empty room. He got up from the table and headed to the door the elder woman took off to cackle in the hallway in not but two minutes before. Sticking his head out cautiously he immediately spotted the old granny that was now drying her laughing tears with the corner of her hankie.
The older woman turned to face him and bowed a bit and offered up an apology for her actions and his bewilderment grew. "Please follow me master, all will be explained once we get there." The woman said in a breathy voice still recovering from her unusual display of unprofessional conduct befitting the head of the Uzumaki house while tucking her hankie into her obi and walking away from the breakfast room. The handsome captain followed her.
Several minutes later they were at a beautifully ornately decorated oak door stained dark red almost like blood with roses and crescent moons, vines and 18 runes in total and a seal of some sort above the door carved into the piece. But what stood out the most was the seal on the two double doors. It depicted A tiger on one side of the crescent moon holding it aloft with a dragon on the other in battle stance and a single lotus flower in the middle with a wisp of fire surrounding it without burning it.
His eyes widened, his jaw dropped, his body became numb and his mind went into overdrive as he tried to over come his shock.
He knew what that seal was, he had only seen it a half million times during his tenure at the academy in his youth.
It was the Royal Families Seal. He never knew the Uzumaki clan was a royal clan he had always assumed they were one of the lesser clans. They never stood out too much. They had their clan on the far side of Soul Society near the Ukitake Estates both clans enjoyed the peace and quite of the forest glades and got a long fairly well. He knew that because, they always made fun of the pretty girl that sat looking longingly at them play on Saturdays when he and his family came over to visit his best friend's family at their estate.
They were horrible little monsters to that innocent child, and he was the instigator for all her strife. No wonder she hated his guts. His eyes were strangely blank and was about to ask another question when he turned his head in the direction of the spirit energy his wife was giving off letting them know she was coming and very excited about something. Her smile was bright but not for him. His heart twinged in slight pain,knowing she hated him. His ears registered her happy voice, and he played his role to the height of his ability so she would never know his pain,his sorrow and his loss.
"Naru-chan, what do you have with you?" He asked in his sing song playful voice everyone knew him for.
"A way to get rid of you!" She sang back to the lazy man while waving it over her head like some sort of banner. He reached for the marriage license only for it to be plucked out of thin air right when it touched the tips of his fingers and quickly being shoved into the breast of her black butterfly kimono.
"Ai, I am going to be mostly gone today make sure they clean up section 10-13 today I need it for tomorrow. And can you burn the sheets on my bed, and put the blue linens on with the silk brown throw. Make sure we have calamari for later with some fresh cold shrimp with those delicious greens you made a few weeks back. One more thing before we go. DO not let Him get any of my coffee. I will be needing it tonight, I have a few projects that need to be done." And with that all said and done she whirled away from them and started walking at a brisk pace.
"Come husband of the hour, we are burning daylight!" She hurried even faster down the winding hall ways of her manor and out into the sun shine after slipping her Geta on and flash stepping faster towards the heart of Soul Society. Her husband not far behind, keeping up with her flash steps which he was surprised she was making him work so hard just to keep up. He knew where they were going an allowed his mind to wander as he followed the bossy female. "How did that type of document get my signature, those type of documents need at least two eyewitnesses to see you sign them. Plus, they were invalid if the party member was incoherent or in a wrong state of mind. So it must be invalid, I'm never not drunk, or at least buzzed."
"You might not want to tell your next wife that." The female ahead of him said over her shoulder her blue eyes laughing at him.
"Naru-chaaaaaaan your soo mean!" he pouted for added childishness to his comment.
"I can live with that. Besides we are here." She slowed down and jumped off from the roof tops they had used for faster travel and unto the gray bricked streets of soul society and into the building Shunshi dreaded to never step foot in again,if ever.
"Marriage License of Soul Society" The golden script read, proudly proclaiming it's importance. With a rattle of a bell over head going off to let the people in the office know they had guest. A bald older gentleman with a formal mens' kimono on said from behind his large desk with a gentle smile, "Hello and welcome, My name is Shin Umi with the Department of Marriage,how my I help you today."
"Well to be honest this is our problem." The blond pulled the document out from the inside of her kimono and placed it onto his desk waiting for the verdict.
"OK, let me have a look." He said pleasantly to his two guest, waving his hand before the two chairs in front of his desk for them to be seated. The two started to glance around the office, out of anxiousness and boredom after they took a seat.
Opening the license was the easy part looking over what should be there and what obviously isn't was a surprise. He assumed they were so unhappy was because their marriage license was a fake so he looked up and asked on a theory about what all serious couples had.
"Do you by chance have your wedding bands?" He asked them still smiling gently all the while thinking no further need to make them feel ashamed a rookie had pulled one over on them,besides they were nobles to boot, and a captain at that!
Two hands came up showing off some of the most beautiful wedding bands he had seen in a long while to answer his question.
"Ah I see." The older man put the paper off to the side and pulled out a real marriage license and set it out in front of him. "Wait just a few minutes, please, I need my assistants for this next part. Jim, Art can you please come here,I have an assignment for you both." The bald man grinned a happy smile to put his guest more at ease. Two identical twin boys melted out from the wall is what looked like was happening.
"Very good skills guys," said the bald older man "Your bending light was very well made and pulled off. I'll be sure to write that down,but we have a job to do first so just stand behind me please.
After both boys were situated behind the older man both standing to each shoulder a few feet back as the man signed where he needed to before passing the document over the the female blond pointing to where her signature needed to be.
The brown haired man asked a question "Don't you need need two for marriages?"
"As well as divorces which happens so rarely.." The bald man said smugly "Your signatures here, here and lastly here Sir." He pointed at the signatures he was signing beside thinking its he last time he would see it.
"And lastly before you leave. Kiss."The older man was a closet romantic and always wanted to see a happy ending.
This is so weird Naru thought as she stood up and brushed up against the man that she was now happily divorced from.
"Well OK, would this make it more official then?" Shunshi asked. This was the weirdest divorce ever.
A quick peck of the lips later they both got the shock of their lives.
"I hope you both have a happy marriage!" The bald guy said as he was tearing up dabbing he eyes with his red hankie.