Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. All lyrics are the property of their owners. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended. Any errors contained herein, are expressly the fault of the authors idiocy, and not her betas.
A/N: Quick thanks to Vanessarae, my super awesome beta, and Araeo (miss your face!) for prereading. This is the long ago promised EPOV version of the outtake Back Against the Wall. It was also my Fandom4LLS contribution. It's a little early on the west coast, but it's December 2nd in most of the rest of the world.
The next chapter of New Habits: Bad Habit, Book Two is coming. It just needs a bit more polish and a trip to the beta and then it'll post. Hopefully within the next week. My apologies. I wanted it to be right, and it's taken some time to get there.
The lyrics and title are from the song Wicked Game by Chris Isaac.
It had only been two weeks since I had been with her—since I had touched her, had my arms around her, been buried inside her—and I craved her. Why had I ever started things with her? I only wanted her more every time I had her. I should have known the first time I took her against that tree in my back yard, that I would never fuck her out of my system, out of my head or out of my…whatever.
It had been two, too-long weeks since we'd been together when she walked unexpectedly into that bar with some mangy cur of a boy. I sneered the word boy in my head. It struck me, vaguely, that I was jealous of some dog I didn't even know, and I knew I shouldn't be—for numerous reasons—but itdidn't matter. It didn't matter who the fuck he was, or that I didn't have a leg to stand on—cough-Tanya-cough—or that I had no claim over her, just that she was there on a date with a guy that wasn't me. God, I was a hypocritical fuck.
A swell of irrational fury, aimed at Bella, welled inside of me. Trying to abate it by telling myself that she wasn't flaunting him in front of me on purpose, trying to make me jealous, did nothing but make me angrier. It wasn't one of my usual bars—it was some yuppie-filled, trendy sports bar catering to the early-thirties set—so she couldn't have known or even guessed that I would be there, which possibly explained why she was there; it wasn't exactly her scene, either. But if that was true, it meant she didn't want me to know. And if that was true, then… Well, I didn't want to think about what that meant.
I told myself, again, that I had no right. In fact, I should have been pleased to see her out with someone else; after all, it was what I wanted to happen—but that thought, too, failed to soothe. Next, I tried to justify my anger. I mean, I had been avoiding my friends and my family just to avoid seeing her. Emmett and Jasper had asked me to grab a drink with them that night, but as much as I wanted to, I wanted to see Bella less, so I had turned them down. Okay, that's not entirely true. My desire to not see Bella was directly proportionate to my need to see her.
Regardless, I told them no. When I grew too antsy to stay home—and Tanya proved to be unavailable—I called up one of the guys from my spring semester study group and asked if he wanted to grab a beer. As Luck would have it, or so I thought at the time, he was on his way to meet some friends to watch the game, and invited me along. It turned out that Luck and Karma—who was out to get me, I was certain—were pretty good friends.
Having successfully avoided Bella for weeks—since our last encounter when things got entirely too…emotional? Real?—and I had planned to continue doing so until I either figured out what to say to her or I was forced to see her at the 'end of life as we know it' summer blowout that Alice had organized, whichever came first. Since neither of those things had happened, seeing her then was too soon and something I was entirely unprepared for.
…the world was on fire…
A draft of cool air wafted through the room. My subconscious vaguely registered that the front door had opened, allowing someone to enter the bar, and then the familiar rush of energy coursed down my spine. From the moment I first saw her at the Forks Thriftway all those years ago, I'd had this weird, unexplainable hyper-awareness of her, that I'd never felt with anyone else. I knew she was there well before I saw her. All I could think of in that moment was that line from Casablanca: "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."
I should have known then that I was fucked. Or more literally, that Bella was fu…
Sitting at the bar, I hoped that she wouldn't see me or sit near me while simultaneously praying that she would. And because she inspired such diametrically opposed…everything in me, I didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed when the pup led her right past my stool at the bar without her spotting me.
…and no one could save me but you…
They walked towards the rear of the long, slightly narrow room, and sat down at a table for two while I tried to remain focused on the bantering going on around me, or on the flat screen above the bar—anything other than her, but she consumed me. My every thought, every cell—my very being—were all so attuned to her, that I could barely keep up the pretense of caring about whatever game was on.
I needed to watch her, to see her with this other guy. Did she like him? Was she different with him than she was with me? Was he touching her? I'll break his fucking face. Bella is mine. Before I could stop myself, I was already off my stool, intent on doing just that. I managed to get a grip on myself (and not in the pleasurable way) before I did something asinine like walk over there, throw her over my shoulder and take her someplace at least semi-private where I could remind her who she belonged to. Instead, I casually leaned back against the bar, disgusted with myself over my possessive, caveman-like thoughts.
Bella deserved to be in a relationship with someone who could give her everything she deserved, someone who could love her…someone who wasn't fucking someone else and lying to her about it…and that obviously wasn't me. I should have been able to let her go, let her have that—because although I might not be capable of loving her (or anyone else, for that matter), I did care about her a great deal—but I just couldn't bring myself to sever things between us. God knows I tried, was trying…I mean, why else had I started things with Tanya?
She should have—was supposed to have—distracted me from Bella. She was exactly my kind of girl—ridiculously sexy, totally uninhibited, down to fuck any time, anywhere, and she didn't pull at me in any way or demand anything from me except for the occasional orgasm. It should have been ridiculously easy to lose myself in her, finally giving Bella her freedom, but it wasn't. Even had I not run into her at the bar, I wouldn't have stayed away from Bella for much longer; I had already been on my way back to her.
Since I had been proving myself incapable of ending things, my plan had been to leave it up to Bella. It was supposed to be simple, I just had to allow her to find out about Tanya, but every time it came down to it…I couldn't follow through. I was selfish, so I kept stringing her along, and somehow, I had let nearly two years pass. It was after what happened the last time I saw her that I decided I had to finally do it. But, like the pansy I was, I decided to avoid the issue altogether by just avoiding her. Until then, it had been working so well.
One of the guys said something about the game, and I replied, allowing myself to get caught up in the generic ribbing and sports small talk for a few minutes, stealing furtive peeks at my…at the woman I couldn't get out of my fucking head. She made me burn for her. Dude! That is the gayest thing you've ever thought. Just hand her your balls, because it's obvious you don't need them. Ignoring the emasculating voice in my head, I took a sip of my beer and slyly glanced Bella's direction. I didn't like what I saw.
Already sitting too close for my comfort…and much too close to be just a friend…I saw the foolish boy she was with lean closer to her and I went completely still, turned to stone by the incandescent burst of rage. My eyes snapped to her face only to find her eyes on me. I couldn't bring myself to look away to hide the furious expression on my face or the lo…lust in my eyes. Lust? Keep trying to convince yourself that's all it is, man.
My mind was chaotic as I looked at her pointedly before severing our eye contact. Promptly setting my beer behind me, I made some crack about having to go take a piss—I'm gonna go drain the lizard, man—stalked around the bar towards the secluded, barely lit corridor that housed the bathrooms and waited.
…it's strange what desire…
Pacing back and forth like a caged tiger, I knew she would come…hoped she would come. A heavy, rough sigh of relief left my lips when I heard her light footsteps behind me. As I spun around to face her, her presence overwhelming me, I was overtaken by something dark—some deep, primal need—and I had to have her, own her, show her she was mine and no one else's. Without contemplating my actions and ignoring the look of shock on her face, I roughly grabbed her arm, dragging her behind me and into the bathroom at the end of the corridor.
I had her pushed against the door before it had even fully closed, her mouth covered by mine. Almost out of my mind with possessive jealousy, I somehow still had the cognizance to lock the door; no way in hell did I want to be interrupted. Well, I wouldn't have much minded the pup catching us. I abruptly dismissed that thought because, chances were, he wouldn't be the one to walk in. We were in the women's bathroom, after all.
Bella's body remained stiff, her hands rigid at her sides, but her lips moved, kissing me back, with an edge of anger that surprisingly matched my own. It was a passionate, furious kind of kiss, but it wasn't enough. I needed to know that she wanted me as badly as I wanted her. That she had missed me as much as I had her. That she was as addicted to me as I was to her. Spurred on by the not getting as much of a response as I wanted, I kissed her harder and, finally, she came to life. Her arms lifted, her hands tearing at my hair as if she would tear it out by the roots, but still I wanted more. She always made me want more.
"Nice date, Bella?" I queried, keeping my mouth firmly against hers.
She glared at me—as much as one can glare while grinding their mouth against someone else's—and her eyes clouded over with too many swirling emotions to name. Her eyes grew even cloudier and her shoulders slumped…for just a moment, and then they cleared, a defiant gleam replacing the clouds. There was my feisty girl. I felt a shiver pass through me as she pulled my bottom lip into her mouth, tugging on it with her teeth.
The shiver turned into a shudder as I felt a stinging pain followed by the distinctive metallic tang of blood on my tongue. The fuck? Bella had chomped down on my bottom lip like it was a fucking snack. I hissed.
My hand flew to her hair, latching onto a chunk of it and yanking down while my eyes demanded that she let go. She did, gently touching her tongue to the mark before sucking it back into her mouth and releasing it with a pop.
"Best in years, Eddie-boy," she purred seductively, a devious, slightly malicious gleam in her dark eyes.
…will make foolish people do…
Another hot wave of anger crashed over me, and I went under, tumbled ass over teakettle until I didn't know up from down.
"I didn't like seeing you out with that mutt, Bella," I snarled, forcing my knee between her legs and pressing my thigh against her sex even as I tried to fight my way back to the surface. I began to slowly drag it back and forth and the reaction of her body was my North Star, helping me get my bearings and break through the fury drowning me.
…I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you…
I smirked at her. "See, your body knows it belongs to me. Now your mind just needs to realize it. You are mine, Isabella."
It was all too easy to read the emotions playing plainly across her face as she struggled with the desire to deny my words. She could deny it all she wanted; we both knew it would be a lie. She gave up sooner than I thought, surprising me by grabbing my dick and squeezing it just shy of painful. A strangled noise tore from my chest and my eyes nearly rolled to the back of my head.
She used my momentary distraction to reverse our positions and then attacked me. Her hands were everywhere and I gave in momentarily, letting myself be swept along with the current of her desire. She rose up on her toes, her warm breath against my ear before taking it softly between her teeth. I tensed; slightly worried after the bite she'd given me just moments before. That shit hurt.
Keeping her teeth on me, she whispered, teasingly smug, "Who owns who now, Eddie?"
I was frozen, her words entirely too close to implying the feelings I was fighting for her, the feelings I'd always been denying having for her…the feeling I knew I couldn't feel for her. She released my ear, and then stiffened. Her jaw was tight and her teeth clenched as she continued speaking. "I. Am. Not. Yours. I can do whatever, and whomever I want, whenever I want to. So this jealousy bullshit stops now…or this thing—with us—is over."
I expected her to leave after so effectively putting me in my place—her words, 'or this thing with us is over, not quite sinking in. I was so trapped by my shame and my battle to deny what I felt for her that I wouldn't have fought on it, but she didn't. Instead, she confused me further by grabbing two handfuls of my shirt and slamming me forcefully into the door, growling, "And right now, I want you."
I didn't—couldn't—react when her hands went to work on my belt. I stood completely still when her clever fingers moved on to my jeans, plucking the button free and sliding the zipper down. And when she tugged my jeans and boxers down, I was as docile as a newborn lamb. But when her skin accidentally grazed my newly-freed dick...the smug bastard I had been when I'd first pulled her in there returned.
It was as if I'd been jolted by a defibrillator. I sprang into action, spinning and pinning her in the corner, trapped by the sink, the wall and me. Skirt shoved up around her waist, panties securely in my pocket, I smugly gazed at her in all her dishabille; she was right where I wanted her. I must have looked a bit too pleased with her predicament because her chin came up defiantly and she took a deep breath, slightly squaring her shoulders, as if preparing for battle. I straight shut that shit down, daring her like I was Clint Eastwood to try it. Do you feel lucky, punk? She didn't.
With a cocky smirk, I teasingly slid my hands down her body, making it a point to keep my eyes on her and rub in how much control over her I had. Almost to her knees, I stopped and hoisted her up, holding her against the wall with my body to free one hand so I could be like Moses…and guide myself to the holy land.
All my smugness and internal rambling were halted the second I was, once again despite my best efforts, fully ensconced inside of her. So tight. So wet. So fucking good. Every. Fucking. Time.
Reflexively, I pulled out and plunged sharply back in. Bella's gasp brought me back to my senses and I stilled, not wanting it to be over too soon. She apparently wasn't of the same mind. She wiggled in my arms and rocked against me, trying to both encourage me to move and find the friction she needed without having to ask for it. When that wasn't enough, she took what she wanted, locking her legs around my middle and drawing me in even further. We both stilled this time, savoring the feeling, the calm before the storm, and then it was all push and pull, in and out consuming us.
I was rough with her—unconscionably so. I channeled my confusion, torment, anger, and just…everything she made me feel into it, and Bella accepted it all, even returning some of the aggression. If she hadn't been the cause of my twisted-up emotions, sex with Bella would have been the best therapy; but as it was, I knew that the relief I felt while inside her would disappear, leaving me more fucked up once we finished.
Despite how aggressive we both were, or maybe because of it, there was an intensity to our lovemaking that was overwhelming me. It only got worse when I looked into her eyes, causing my knees to give out, nearly sending both of us to the ground. I flung my hand to the side and grabbed onto the counter to keep us from falling, but I was still too shaky to feel capable of holding her up, light as she was. No way in hell was I stopping, though.
Deciding that the counter would have to do, I turned towards it only to ram my shin into a short garbage can against the wall that I hadn't noticed. With a gentle nudge from my foot, it went flying across the room. With the garbage can out of my way, I sat Bella on the edge of the counter, and promptly collapsed over top of her, my hand against the toilet partition being the only thing keeping me from squishing her completely under my weight.
Our new position was slightly awkward, and forced Bella's hands to leave my neck, having to move behind her to support herself over the sink. It may not have been the most comfortable place to have sex, but I was so deep inside of her with each thrust and the angle had me rubbing up against all the right places inside her. From the way she constricted around me, I knew Bella felt it, too, and I was grateful. Between the feel of her surrounding me, the look in her eyes and the sounds she was making, I didn't think I was going to be able to last much longer.
I wasn't ready for it to be over just yet, and I wanted Bella to come first, so I slowed my pace a bit, trying desperately to hold on.
"Oh, God. S'good. Ahhh! Edward, please," she begged, obviously not happy that I was holding her impending orgasm at bay, but I was a vain, desperate motherfucker and suddenly needed to hear her say the words, to beg me for it.
"Sssssss…'please' what, Isabell-ungh!-la? Say it."
She glared at me, but the needs of her body far outweighed her stubbornness, and she cried out the words I wanted to hear…not a moment too soon. "Make me…make me c-c-cum, please!"
Her reward was almost instantaneous as I immediately sped back up, my thrusts hard, deep and demanding.
…and I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you…
Bella was always beautiful, but she was never more stunning or alluring than she was when she completely lost herself in the throes of an orgasm, and this time was no exception. I couldn't take my eyes off her as all of her defenses came down and she rode out her pleasure. Her eyes closed, and her head fell back as her muscles seized up and she pulsed around me, her voice breaking as she called out my name. "Yesssssssss, Ed-ward!"
…no, I don't want to fall in love…
"I love y…love yo…" So entranced by her, the words were out before stop myself. I stumbled over them—my heart trying to get its message out, and my head trying to prevent it—as my orgasm and fear caused my body to seize up. The sound of her breath hitching dashed any hope I had of her being too distracted by her own orgasm to have heard me.
…(This world is only gonna break your heart)…
I needed a minute, time to think—rational thought and deductive reasoning weren't exactly easy to come by while I was spilling my seed into her and panicking—so I wrapped my arms around her and hid my face against her shoulder as I rode out my orgasm. As I approached the end and the fog started to clear out of my head, I said the only thing I could think of to hopefully salvage the situation, "I love…oh God, you feel so good, so fucking good, Bella. I love fucking you."
Like the pussy I was, I kept my face buried in her shoulder. I didn't need to look at her face to know how much I had just destroyed her. I could feel it in the tense lines of her body, and it nearly killed me to know that I'd caused her even an ounce of pain. Really though, you'd think it wouldn't have bothered me any more. Not after all the times I had knowingly hurt her in the past.
Burying myself inside her one last time as the last of the now-empty pleasure pumped out of me, I shuddered from the agony I had just caused both of us. I hated this, but it was for the best. Better to hurt her now than absolutely destroy her in the future; I wasn't good for her or anyone.
In a sudden epiphany, I realized that my little slip up could be used to my advantage. I didn't want to do it, but I knew that this was the perfect opportunity to enact plan 'Make Bella Loathe Me Before I Destroyed Everything Good In Her'. Yeah, I suck at naming things, but it's still better than Operation Enduring Freedom.
…what a wicked game to play…
The pain I felt as I rationalized hurting her combined with the agony of knowing this was goodbye caused my knees to give out beneath me, and I stumbled into the door behind me with Bella still in my arms. I slid down it, coming to rest with Bella in my lap on the dirty floor (my hastily half-tugged up jeans keeping my ass from making contact with it, thank fuck).
I was disgusted with myself. A dirty bathroom floor was probably exactly where I belonged.
…to make me feel this way…
Making no move to get up, I clung to her, not ready to let her go. Bella, on the other hand, couldn't seem to get away from me fast enough, fighting her way free of my arms and running towards the bathroom stalls almost the second we came to the floor. I scrambled to my feet just after her, but by the time I was standing, she had already disappeared into the handicap stall.
I was torn, wanting to go to her and to take back my heartless words…I love fucking you…but I forced myself to stick with my plan to sever our ties; it had to end now. As I redressed, I consoled myself with the thought that without me in the picture—in her pants or her bed—she would finally be free to move on. Maybe even with the pup waiting for her in the bar. The thought of someone touching her—anyone—was enough to make me want to take it all back, but I didn't. I was doing this for her. Still, it didn't feel right leaving things like that.
…what a wicked thing to do…
My mouth opened a dozen times, wanting to say something—anything—to make it easier on the both of us, but I knew if I said a word, I would only end up begging her forgiveness and I couldn't do that. In the end, I said nothing. I simply clenched my jaw shut, unlocked the door, and went back to the bar like nothing had happened. Like I didn't just crush the person most important to me in world.
…to let me dream of you…
I refused to look at her as she made her way back to the table where the dog waited for her, therefore, I didn't see the small smile she gave him when she sat down, or read her lips when she spoke to him…sorry, long line in the bathroom…and I didn't notice the lack of conviction behind her blatant lie.
…what a wicked thing to say…
I turned around, leaned back against the bar exactly as I had before I'd left for the bathroom, and pretended to not be interested in the interaction of the young couple…just thinking the word made me sneer…at the rear of the bar; acted as if I didn't see the way she was slamming back her drinks. I even thought I was doing a good job of it, too.
"How do you know her?" Tanner, the guy from last semester's study group asked as he settled beside me, mirroring my position, and took a swig from his bottle of beer.
…you never felt this way…
"Um…k-know who?" I stupidly returned. I quickly turned around and lean over the bar on my elbows, my hands braided together and resting against my forehead with my thumbs pressing into my temples.
Tanner stared at me long and hard with 'Really?' written all over his face, not looking away until he had my attention. "Dude, you just disappeared into the bathrooms for twenty-five minutes with her."
Twenty-five minutes? Really? Her date had to have noticed, but obviously hadn't said anything. Huh? Curiosity got the best of me, so I turned back around, once again resuming my previous position. Tanner was staring at me and I remembered that I hadn't responded yet, so I lied. "I don't have a clue what you're talking about. I took a leak and made a phone call to see about making this less of a sausage-fest."
He appeared thoughtful for a moment, and then grinned wryly. Wiping his hand over his mouth he said, "Okay, Cullen. I'll let it go, but…I wasn't the only one who noticed…" He trailed off, looking pointedly at the mutt with Bella.
"If you want to talk…" he offered before turning back to the game, and trading insults with a couple of his buddies while I contemplated what he'd told me with a frown on my face.
…what a wicked thing to do…
Why the fuck would he still be waiting for her, looking totally unconcerned, knowing that she probably just fucked me in the bathroom? There was only one reason I could think of, and it didn't make me feel less like punching his face in. Does he think she's easy? That she'll put out for him just because she put out for me while on a date with him? Does he think he can twist this in his favor – guilt her into it because I couldn't keep my hands or my dick to myself? My thoughts were heading a dangerous direction that was only going to end with me in jail or a hospital…and not as the doctor.
…to make me dream of you…
Bella finished another drink and was immediately served another, causing my temperature and concern to shoot up to threat level orange…or purple or pink…I don't know alert levels, ask Dick Cheney for specifics, but it was really high. Nothing good came from Bella drinking while angry or emotional and, having kept track of her drinks, I knew that was drink number one-too–fucking-many, but there was nothing I could do about it. I knew damn good and well that any interference from me at that stage in the game would do more harm than good. Plus, it's none of your concern—she's none of your concern, nagged a voice in my head.
…no, I want to fall in love…
Scowling, I continued to watch them as they chatted away, chuckling and smiling without a care in the world—at least, he was. Bella had turned in her seat, putting her back to me, so I couldn't get a good read on the situation. I wanted to know if she was receptive to the moves he was obviously making, and just because he looked like things were going well, didn't mean they really were. Either way, I didn't like the way he was looking her up and down. It was really starting to piss me off. Hey, fuckhead! Keep your eyes on her face.
…(this world is only gonna break your heart)…
Bella sipped on her newly-delivered drink and shifted again in her chair, her face coming back into view. Casually, but I'm fairly certain knowing I was watching, she suddenly asked, just loud enough, "Do you wanna get out of here?"
As if she had said jump, the pup was only too eager to ask how high. He practically tripped over himself in his rush to the bar to take care of the tab while Bella headed outside, snagging a smoke from some guy by the front door as she passed. Without thinking, I made to follow her—earning a violent glare from Bella—only to be stopped by Tanner. I hadn't even known he was still paying attention. I stared down at his hand wrapped around my forearm with a clenched jaw.
…the world was on fire and no one could save me but you…
"Bad idea, Cullen," he said under his breath, not looking at or acknowledging me in any way.
"What the fuck, Tanner?" I muttered angrily.
"You going out there is only gonna end badly. Just let her go, man. After all…it's not like you know her."
"Right. Whatever," I growled, trying to burn a hole in the door with my glare.
…it's strange what desire will make foolish people do…
I couldn't keep my eyes from flickering over to the pup, laughing and joking with the bartender while he cleared up their tab…probably thinking he was going to get some…while Bella was standing outside the bar in the dark. He's just gonna fuck around, taking forever and leave her standing outside by herself? What the fuck was his damage? I was about to bolt outside to assure for myself that she was safe—Tanner be damned—when the asshat finally put his wallet back in his pocket and headed towards the door.
…I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you…
To my relief, Bella was right in front of the entrance when it opened. But that relief turned out to be a double-edged sword as I was forced to watch as she all-but-launched herself towards the pup, wrapping her arm around his and pressing herself close against his side. Fury overwhelmed me. I pushed myself away from bar, intent on ripping off the dog's arm and beating him with it for having the audacity to touch my girl. Tanner's arm shot out, clotheslining me at the level of my sternum hard enough to knock the air out of my lungs.
"Sorry, you looked like you were about to do something really stupid. Just let her go, man."
Gasping and wheezing, feeling half-crazed with the need to go after her, I looked from his arm back to the swinging-closed door, catching a devastating glimpse of her in profile as she angled her face towards him with a soft smile on her face. No! That smile is reserved for quiet moments with me; it's mine! I blindly reached for Tanner's arm, seeking to remove it from my body or his, whichever would get me to Bella.
…and I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you…
At the last possible second, Bella turned her head, her switchblade-like eyes seeking mine. Upon finding them, she leveled me with such a ball-shriveling look of disdain and disgust that I was certain I'd never be able to reproduce. It may have just been the lingering effects from having my sternum crushed, but I felt it like a physical blow, staggering back and crumpling against the bar, any urge I had to follow her, eviscerated.
…(this world is only gonna break your heart)…
I'd wanted to push Bella away, so why didn't finally achieving that goal feel like success?
I'd gotten what I wanted, but I certainly didn't want what I'd gotten.
…nobody loves no one.
A/N: If you've never seen it, and even if you have, do yourself a favor and google the music video. One of the sexiest videos of all time. A perfectly tousled, nearly nude Helena Christensen cavorting and writhing around on the beach in slow motion with Chris Isaac all filmed in black and white. Closeup shots of lips grazing and slick skin gliding . . . I can't do it justice. Just go watch watch.