This chapter was hard for me to write because I love Alice, and I Loved her relationship and love for Bella…so..anywho, I hope you like it! Review please!
Chapter 12. Sadness, Strength and a Vision.
Decemberists, "Red Right Ankle"
This is the story of you red right ankle
and how it came to meet your leg,
How the muscle, bone, and sinews tangled
And how the skin was softly shed
And how it whispered "Oh adhere to me,
for we are bound by symmetry,
And whatever differences our lives have been
We together make a limb"
This is the story of you red right ankle/
This is the story of you gypsy uncle
You never knew 'cause he was dead
And how his face was carved and ride with wrinkles
In the picture in you head,
And remember how you found the key
To his hideout in the Pyrenees
But you wanted to keep his secret safe
So you threw the key away
This is the story of gypsy uncle/
This is the story of the boys who loved you,
Who love you now and loved you then,
And some were sweet, some were cold and snuffed you
And some just laid around in bed,
Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend you ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you
This is the story of you red right ankle.
"Momma's sleeping Aunt Awice…don't be sad, she was just really tired" Haley said softly as she reached out and patted my cheek with her chubby sticky hand.
"Tired" I murmured as my head automatically leaned into the warmth of her hand.
"I have something I need to show you both" I heard Carlisle mention sadly.
"Emmett why don't you and Rose take Haley to the kitchen and try to make her dinner…im sure it'll take some time to get it right" Esme said softly as she came up and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Sure thing" Emmett said quickly as he rushed up and held his hands out for Haley.
"Hold on" Haley said as if she was exasperated; and then she laid her head on Jasper's shoulder and gave him a long hug. Then she lifted her head, and gave him a kiss on the cheek, while she whispered 'I love you Uncle Jasspurr'. Of course Jasper just stood there kind a stiff and stunned; he had never been around such a young child, even in his human years. So, to suddenly be around one, let alone, kissed, hugged and loved by one must be a lot to process.
I, on the other hand had loved Haley, ever since I had the vision of her birth. Not a day would go by when I would think "I wonder if she's born yet', or 'I wonder what Bella named her'. And after years of pain and frustration, here she is in my husband's arms. I thought I'd never even get to see her, and now all the sudden she's 4 years old and calling me Aunt.
Carlisle led Jasper and I to the living room. As we sat down Esme handed Jasper a large ringed book, and me a box. We both just sat there confused, just starring up at Esme and Carlisle's sad faces. I didn't know what was going on, but whatever it was it wasn't good, as I felt Jasper's body tense with emotions. Feeling quite uncomfortable I shifted the box on my lap; and that's when I smelled her. It was Bella.
I ripped the lid off the box and stared what seemed to be journals; my eyes flooded with Venom, and my lip began to tremble, for I knew I was about to find out about my long lost friend, and why her 4 year old said she was 'sleeping'.
"Alice those are Bella's journals, she started writing them not to long after we left. Jasper, that is a copy of all the journals in the box Alice is holding." Esme said sadly as she clutched onto Carlisle's arm, as if she was trying to pull strength for him.
"I'm sure you both have a lot of questions" Carlisle began.
"And-" Esme tried to finish Carlisle's sentence but a broken sob, leaped from her mouth as the first word came out. She stood there clutching onto Carlisle, trying to regain her composure, but finally, her hand flew to her mouth and she ran from the room, leaving only sounds of her strangled cries, that echoed through the house.
Carlisle cleared his throat, leaned forward a bit, rubbed his hands down the tops of his thighs, as if he was nervous and had sweaty palms, then straightened up. He nodded, like he had made a decision to continue and spoke with a quivering voice, "You'll have to excuse your mother, and myself, it's been quite an emotional day….As I was saying; I'm sure you both have a lot of questions, which I would love to answer, however I am pretty positive you'll find everything you need in those journals…I leave you both to your reading; if you still have any questions after your done, come find me and I'll answer them as best as I can". He smiled sadly, nodded his head again then swiftly walked from the room.
"Jasper I don't-" I began to whisper.
"Yes you can Alice, I'll be right here" Jasper encouraged with worry lining his face. He was just as scared and confused, as I was. Actually he was worse off; he had my emotions hitting him, along with his own.
"Ok" I said with a slight nod.
They're gone. All of them. When he left he took not only my friends, but my family, my future, and my heart. I feel as if a hole has been punched through my chest. There is no way to fix it, no way it will ever heal, it will never close and scar over; no, it is a never ending, bleeding pain, that I will have to bear. But, I am thankful for the pain in a way. If it wasn't for the constant searing pain in my chest, it would be just like he said, "as if he never existed". The pain is a constant reminder of the family, and the future that I lost when he left me that day in the woods, but it is a pain I will gladly bear.
For the last few months, I have done nothing. I didn't really eat, I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't listen to music, and I refused to read. Everything was a reminder of him, and I hated myself and him for it. Numbness moved in mere days after their departure, and is now a constant companion. Charlie woke me from my numbness, only a few days ago. He wanted to send me to Florida to be with Rene'e, but I refused.
I have however decided to act, as normal as I can for him, because, I know that my behavior has been hardest on Charlie. So I have begun hanging out with Jake, and even accepted a movie date with Mike Newton.
I wish Alice was here. I wish I could talk to her, I wish she could tell me everything will be ok, because she had seen it, but she is gone. Since she is not here for me to talk to, I think keeping a journal will help me get through each day, and will be there as a remember of my past.
Of all things that I wish, I wish he had never left or at least if only I was able to say goodbye, to all of them.
I would have told Carlisle, that I loved him like a father. That I was lucky to have had him as my doctor, and my friend. I would tell him that, his compassion for people, had made me want to help and love more.
I would have told Esme that she had been more of a mother to me in the small time I knew her, than my mother had my entire life. I would have told her that I was lucky to have been a part of her family, even if it had been only for a short time. And that her love for her family had inspired me, and that someday I wished to love my children with as much passion and kindness as she did hers.
I would have told Jasper that I forgave him the moment, he tried to attack me, and that it was not his fault, he was only acting on instinct. I would have told him I loved him for loving Alice, and for loving the family enough to sacrifice and suffer, like he did. I would have told him that I appreciated his laid back attitude, and that I wished we had spent more time together.
I would have told Alice, that I loved her like a sister. That even though I hated to shop, I enjoyed every second with her. I would have told her that she brought happiness and a carefree feeling into my life, and that she had me feel special and important. I would have told her I was lucky to have known her, to have loved her, and to have had her in my life; and that her fashion advice did not go unheeded, and that I promise to wear mascara everyday from then on.
I would have told Emmett, that I loved him like a brother, that he was the big brother I had always wished to have. I would have told him, that his antics, though they irritated me sometimes, brought color into my life, and made me look at the world differently. He made me realize that life shouldn't be so serious, that it should be filled with laughter and silliness. I would tell him that I would miss his hugs, and his laughter, but that I would always know how to protect myself now, due to his "crazy-mad" fighting skills, that he passed onto me.
I would have told Rosalie, that, the day she told me about her past, was the day I finally understood who she was. I would have told her that I loved her, no matter, how she would act towards me, and that her strength and determination amazed me. That I wished someday to be as strong and independent as she was, that she inspired me to be a stronger more self confident person, or at least I was working towards that.
I would have told Edward, that I loved him, that I would always love him. That I know I was never good enough for him, and that I never had wanted to hold him back. I would have told him that he was wrong, my mind may be human, but that I would never forget him, and my love for him would never lessen.
I would have told them all, that I wish they would stay, but that I understood why they had to leave. It would have killed me to do these things, but, not nearly as much as never getting the chance to say goodbye.
I don't know how I will survive without them; I don't know how I got through life before they became mine. I don't know what the future holds for me, nor do I really care too much to know. But what I do know and what I do care about is that I have to survive, I have to hold onto what I do have of them…of him… because if I survive, than that means I still have hope. It means I still believe in the depths of my soul, that they will come back for me someday. It might not be all of them; and I'm ok with that…I know that Edward never really had any reason to love me. I know that Emmett, Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, and even Jasper loved me, or at least liked me. And I may in the future loose faith in them, but there is one person I will never loose faith in…Alice.
I know Alice loved me, I know that with every fiber of my being. I know that someday, hopefully soon, she'll see me, and knowing my luck, I'll be in danger. And if Alice has a vision of me in danger she'll come for me, she'll save me, when none of the others will. I can not, and I will not believe she'd actually turn her back on me; and for that, I will stay alive, as best as I can, and wait for the moment she'll rush in to rescue me.
With all that I have, and all that I am,
My heart clenched after reading her first entry; she loved me as much as I loved her, and I walked away from that. I stupidly, allowed Edward to destroy the closest thing to a real sister I had. Don't get me wrong I had Rosalie, and I love her dearly. However, from the first vision I had of Bella in forks, and what she could bring to my family, I loved her. And when she finally began part of my family, I loved her more. I felt quite strongly that eventually Edward would allow her to be turned; and with that knowledge knew I would have a best friend as a sister for eternity.
I continued to read page by page, my heart hurting with each one. When Bella lost Charlie I all but lost it, and Jasper had to leave the room. I had to keep repeating to myself that Bella had a happy ending, and an image of her holding Baby Haley in her arms was the only thing keeping me sane. Until I reached the day of May 28th.
I haven't written in almost a month. I don't know why I am writing right now. I should give up writing in this journal, hell, I should give up on surviving. Its so hard not to blame them, all of them…they left me….they left me unprotected, alone, and un-loved. Hell, I'm probably not even worthy of love at this point. Everyone I love leaves me anyway.
So why am I writing in this worthless journal?…The therapist says I should, that's why. She says it will help me heal…it will be therapeutic…I call a bullshit on that! It hurts! It hurts so bad! I miss my dad, I would give anything to just sit across the table from him again. Id give anything to cook him diner and see the love in his eyes as I bring his plate to the table. Id like to just sleep in my old room. Stare at my window, and know that Edward would be climbing through it at any minute. I wish I could sit on the floor next to Charlie's chair and listen to his soothing snoring….but that's all gone now. EVERYTHING IS GONE NOW!
Charlie is dead, he is never coming back. Jake stopped talking to me a while ago, and I have seen him since, so it's like he is dead. The Cullens are gone forever. And the one person I thought wouldn't be to bad to have in my life hates me; Mike hates me for reasons I don't fully understand.
I stayed with him; I stayed with him because he was safe, and I didn't really care. I though I just had to survive life until one of THEM came back. But I was Wrong! I was so Wrong!
Where were you Alice? I needed you, I screamed for you! And you never came, you never saved me!
I went into Port Angles to pick of some stuff for Mike. I had just came out of that Office supply store when I saw HIM; or at least I thought it was him. He was leaning up against his silver Volvo, his bronze locks, shinning in the street lamp light. I didn't know why he would be there, why he was hanging around with drunks in front of a bar, but my heart leaped at the thought of just talking to him, one more time. I thought maybe he had come back, that maybe he realized he loved me, and was waiting for me to come out of the store. It was late, very dark, cold, and the air was wet with mist; and there he was. I placed the box of supplies in the bed of my truck and began to walk across the street towards the love of my life, and his shiny silver Volvo. Once I crossed the street and began to walked down the sidewalk towards him, four other men surrounded him, talking animatedly. That should have been my first clue. I called his name a few times, as began to walk faster towards him. But he never responded. That should have been my second clue. As I reached the small circle of drunken college boys, I tried to peer around them to see my Edward. That should have been my third clue. Finally I spoke up loudly "Edward"?. At that point the boys stopped talking and turned to face me. I asked again, "Edward is that you"? All the college boys looked at each other and evil smiles stained their faces. That should have been my fourth clue. I was still trying to see the figure, the man, my Edward between the four other figures. As I squinted my eyes I asked once again, "Edward?".
It was at that moment I heard a voice from behind the college boys. "I'll be whoever you want me to be baby" The voice sickenly slurred. And as I froze in place, he walked out from behind the human shields. It wasn't Edward. This man/boy was the same height, and build as Edward, with almost the same bronze locks, however his was not nearly as shiny and brilliantly colored. His ivy colored eyes, held a menacing graze, and his smile, made my skin crawl; I took a step back. I bowed my head to sheild myself from his stare, and said something like "Im sorry I thought you were a friend of mine…I got go" as I spun around and began to walk briskly towards my truck.
When I heard footsteps behind me, I began to panic. When I was grabbed I screamed, before a hand covered my mouth, and another hand began to choke me. I was drug into an alley, and I believe the only reason I didn't pass out from fear was because I just knew Alice would be there soon, I just had to hold on and be strong until then. When they began to rip my clothes from my body I began screaming for Alice. Begging her to save me. I cried out in pain as the first fist connected with my cheek. The next thing I remember he was on top of me, and the other guys were holding onto my legs and arms. And as he thrust harshly into me I began asking Alice why.
How could she do this to me? Did she not love me at all? How could she know this was happening and do nothing? I trusted her, I love her, I kept faith in her after I lost faith in everything. I understood why she didn't come when Charlie died; but how could she let me be raped by five men, in a cold dirty alley. I continued to cry out for her, and ask her why until I passed out.
They left me for dead…like a piece of trash…but how can I blame them? I wasn't worthy enough for my "best friend" to save me…Im surprised that bartender even bothered with me when he found me.
I spent some time in the hospital until I was released to Mike and his family. Mike hadn't come to visit me once in the hospital; when he came to pick me up at the hospital, he looked at me like I was disgusting. He told me it was my fault that I was raped, and if I wouldn't be such a whore, those men would have never thought twice about fucking me, besides I was ugly, and how they even wanted me at all, surprised him. He told me I was lucky he pity'd me, or he'd throw me onto the streets like the trash I was.
I tried to kill myself that night. I tried to drown myself in the bathtub, but the moment of no return I couldn't do it, I don't really know why, or at least I didn't know at that moment. I tried almost everyday to kill myself, but like the first time, I was never able to go through with it. I found out today why.
I pregnant…what am I going to do about it? Mike says I should get an abortion, but I can't…I thought about it, I really did, but as soon as I remembered Rosalie's story, I realized I couldn't do it. I need to be strong for my baby, Its all that I have in this world that is mine. But what am I going to do about the rest of my life?…The answer is I don't know. I have been living thinking one of THEM would come back for me, but Alice didn't think I was worth saving, and who could blame her…so now, I just have to live everyday for the life I'm carrying, and hope I'll be worthy of it.
With all that I am,
I sat there in shock…what have I done? She had called out for me, she trusted that I would save her…and I didn't. Bella thought I didn't love her? But I do! I loved her everyday since we left! I loved her so much it hurt, I haven't had visions in years, because I didn't want to see her, because it hurt too much! But what have I done?
"WHAT HAVE I DONE"! I screamed out in pain, and sorrow
"Alice…it's not your fault", Carlisle said calmingly, as he say beside me and wrapped his arms around me.
"Carlisle what have I done? I destroyed her! ME! She trusted me, she waited for me, she kept faith in ME! And I let her down! I let my best friend down! I should have been there to save her! I should have went back for her! I should have checked up on her! I should have went back for her! I should have turned her myself!".
"We all blame ourselves in some way Alice, but Bella wouldn't want our pity, she would want our love and understanding". He said quietly.
"When I had that vision I didn't' know, Carlisle! I didn't know! I had been trying so hard not to 'see' her, but the decision caused the vision to be to powerful….I didn't see that she was trying to kill herself, I should've looked for her future! I don't understand Carlisle, I don't get it…she must have been so lost before she found out she was pregnant….what have I done?" I cried.
" I know Alice, we all know that". He whispered.
"I don't think I can read anymore". I cried harder.
"You have to Alice, you need to know the truth, you need to know everything…it's going to get harder, but you need to know, you won't be able to help Bella or Haley if you don't know it all…and when Edward finds out…". He bit his lip.
"Oh God Carlisle, I hate him right now, but I know this is going to destroy him, what are we going to do?" I said as I clutched to his shirt, and pleaded him to 'make it all better' with my eyes.
"We all will sit down and discuss that once you and Jasper know everything we do". He said sadly as he gently kissed my forehead, like a real dad would do in a heartbreaking moment like this.
"Ok, I'll try but stay with me please". I whispered as I turned back to the journal and began to read the next entry.
"Alice honey…I need to go check on Jasper…but I'll be back, ok?" He whispered reassuringly, as he patted my arm. And I knew he had to help Jasper, but I didn't want him to leave. But, Jasper was all ready struggling with the family's emotion and knowing my husband he would be feeling the same way I do; if not more. So he needed Carlisle more than I did; and so I simply nodded in defeat. He patted my arm again and then rose to his feet, and left.
Jasper nor Carlisle ever returned to my side, but halfway through Bella's Journals, Emmett showed up. As I sat there stunned at what I had just read…Bella had been raped, beaten, tortured, and left by everyone she loved, and tortured by Mike Newton. And she had believed in our friendship, and my love for her, more than she had trusted in Edward's. She knew he wouldn't come back for her, she thought she wasn't worthy enough to be loved by him. But she loved me as much as I loved her. She was my best friend, my sister…and I left her to be beaten and raped, in a cold, wet, dirty alley, as she begged for me to save her. I left her to deal with the death of Charlie…alone. I left her with no option, but a hateful Mike Newton.
What do you say when you know, your actions caused more pain than anyone should ever have to bear? What if that someone loved and trusted in you, and you let them down? How do you ever make up for that? How do you ever make it better? The answer is you can't. You cant fix, or change was has happened. You can't take away that pain. I could never fix what had been wronged.
I just sat starring at Emmett as he slowly walked in. My eyes, full of shock and devastation watched as he walked to the couch. His sad and remorseful eyes, looking back at me, pain colored his face as he sat next to me and gave me a sad smile. He didn't say anything, he just simply lifted me onto his lap. I returned to the horror that was Bella's life written in black and white, in the comforting arms of my brother. He whispered, "Jasper didn't want you to be alone Ally", and began to rub soothing circles on my back.
Every time I gasped out in horror, or whimpered in agony, he embraced me with his massive arms. Every time I shook my head, and whispered "no no no no", he told me its going to be ok. And as I finished not knowing exactly what happened, he was there to explain.
"He almost killed her Ally"
"Mike?" I questioned though I already knew the answer.
"Yes, Mike Fucking Newton, that pansy piece of shit…God Ally he hurt her so much" Emmett whispered and spat out at the same time; I turned to face him.
"So he just came home and beat her…what happened? Where is he? Who found her?" I pleaded.
"Well, I guess he came home, started in on her again, and because he couldn't break her spirit, he went for Haley-"
"WHAT!" I screeched, my whole body tensing for a fight.
"Whoa whoa whoa Ally, calm down….She shot him before he could." He said as he held me in place.
"So the bastard is dead? Who found Bella? Who found Haley? How did she end up here I rushed with emotion.
"From what I was told, Tanya, found her. I guess she was screwing some doctor or wanted to screw some doctor, why she cant find a freakin vampire to get it on with always con-" I cut him off, from his "dumb football player" ramblings.
"Just tell me already!" I huffed as I pinched him.
"Ok ok, geez Ally….Anywho, before I was so RUUUDELY interrupted….Tanya was at the hospital and caught a whiff of Bella's sent. Bella was in the ICU, Tanya did some snooping, found out where she lived. Went to the crime scene that was Bella's apartment, found the journals, found Haley next door at the old lady neighbors apartment, pretended she was Bella's sister, Called Carlisle, and 'vola! The rest is history…..Bella is still in the ICU, has bleeding on her brain and is in a Coma, Haley is here, Tanya is pissed at all of us….and well, Mike…Carlisle won't entertain the mention of his name…something about 'lets focus on more important issues' I think he's dead, though; Carlisle wouldn't let him stay alive after everything he did to Bella….right?"
"Well, I for sure, Hell, wouldn't…..Hell id like to find his grave, dig him up, beat the shit out of him and cut off his dick off….so im sure Carlisle wouldn't let him breathe, after reading all this" I said riled up and exasperated.
"Are you going to be ok Ally?" Emmett asked so innocently, his dimples showing even when he wasn't smiling.
"I…..I….I think I have to be Emmett….its….well…I'll never forgive myself…but it's selfish to feel bad for myself at this point….I think the best thing I can do….we all can do….is do whatever we can for Bella, and Haley right now…I'll have to deal with my own demons, later." I said as confidently as I could, even though I felt nauseous and defeated on the inside.
"I think so too…What about Edward?" He said with a raised eyebrow and the look of pure terror covering his features.
"One step at a time Emmett…I…I think im going to go finish Haley's room so she has somewhere to sleep tonight." I said quickly as I hopped from his lap and to my feet. Really I just needed to be alone, so I could think, and process everything. I needed to get myself to a place, where I was ok, with what had happened in my absence. I needed to be stable and strong, for me, for Bella, For Haley, for my family.
I rushed up the stairs and threw myself into my work, trying to create something happy and beautiful, even though the words from those journals had stirred up my soul, more than anything ever had before. Horrific images of Bella, played through my mind; and each time she was beaten and raped, I had to lean up against a wall to stop myself from crumbling. I had to continuously tell myself that I couldn't change the past, but that I could change the future; just to simply move again.
I was finishing up the room by placing adorable "grass" rugs on the floor. I had finally reached the end, of the insurmountable task of dealing and processing what I left Bella to endure, when I was hit with a vision.
Jasper packing up a few of his most prized possessions as I plead for him not to leave. The family excluding Edward, huddles in the living room, holding onto each other. Jasper not saying a word as he slowly walks down stairs, his "gift" emanating pure and utter devastation. Rosalie clutching a hysterical Haley, who cries out for her Uncle Jasper, and asks what she did and why he doesn't love her, while repeating "I'll be a good girl, I promise I'll be better, please Uncle Jaspurr".
Then a flash or Edward showing up…the house destroyed…..a flash of a court room….a flash of Haley Screaming….a flash of Bella's funeral…a flash of my family and I burning in a fire, as we stand there together, as if taking a punishment we thought we deserved….and then darkness, total and utter darkness.
I didn't know what my vision meant in it's entirety, as I came back to the 'real world'; what I did know is that I was going to be "God Damned" if I was going to loose my husband. If there was anyone I needed to stand by my side, by the family's side it was him; and if I have to kick his ass, or guilt him, or kill myself to get him to stay…I would!
I took one last look at one of my best projects, and then swiftly headed out the door, closing it behind me. I knew where I would find Jasper; he was sure to be standing, starring out the large windows, talking himself into something he really didn't want to do…he just didn't know it yet.