My Heart isn't made for breaking
Warnings: MalexMale (Slash), Swearing
Summary: The difficulties of a break-up, mixed with mistakes of communication make for an alltogether painful experience.
Disclaimer: Yeah, definitely not my characters. I wish...
It was a warm Autumn day and Harry Potter was sitting under a tree by the lake side. The soft rustling of the wind through the leaves above him had lulled him into a state of content drowsiness. Half-lidded green eyes, hardly aware of the students in the closer vicinity, stared peacefully into space.
„Hey hero-boy." a smooth drawl startled Harry out of his stupefied state. „Thought I'd find you here." The tone in which the youth spoke was in no way hostile or mocking, but rather familiar and teasing. Harry sat up to greet the other.
„Hey Dray...-co" he corrected the name quickly after seeing the tell-tale signs of an impending hissy-fit on the blond's face. „Thought I'd get some fresh air and sun." Harry leaned back against the tree again. "And what brings you out here? Wouldn't you be ruining your perfect complexion?" A smile had made its way onto Harry's face as he gazed at Draco expectantly.
Now, you probably feel that there is something wrong with this picture: Why would Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter - long-time enemies and generally opposites in every way – be on speaking terms? Let alone friends?
Well, to understand this you'd have to go back three weeks in time. During one of the Slytherin versus Gryffindor Quidditch matches there had been an accident. Draco Malfoy had collided with a stray Bludger that had knocked him unconscious in mid-air. Harry had saved the Slytherin Seeker from certain death by catching him on his broom in in a daring free-fall maneuver, crashing into the ground with less velocity, but injuring himself in the process.
All in all, quite the stunt. And it had, naturally created quite the hype. Harry Potter saving Draco Malfoy? Well, that had been unexpected. In the end it had been blamed - by most of the student population - on Harry's saviour complex.
Both boys, having suffered extensive injuries, had two full weeks time to get over their differences in the hospital wing while being tort- excuse me – treated back to full health by an over-enthusiastic Madam Pomphrey. She had insisted on not healing them with potions only, as their bodies would be put under quite a lot of strain.
Having to deal with each other so closely wasn't pleasant to both of them, so tempers ran wild. The turning point for the two had been a shouting match in which quite a lot of extremely personal information had been quite loudly and vividly conveyed to the other over the course of a full hour. The resulting three days of contemplative silence, had given them time to re-evaluate their views of one another. Was this petty rivalry really what they wanted? Was it merely a venting mechanism? Teenagers getting rid of frustration, perhaps. Had they had too much prejudice getting in their way of seeing who the other really was?
Harry had gained insight into what it meant to grow up under Lucius' harsh rule, believing that nothing you did was good enough except when it was the absolute best. Adding to that the threat of the re-erected Dark Lord whom everyone believed you followed (and consequently stamped you as a Death Eater), simply because your family did. Draco's life suddenly didn't seem so pampered any more. A lot of bad behavior the Slytherin had shown now made more sense.
The mask of the Ice Prince was forever flawed in Harry's mind. Suddenly venting his anger and frustration on the elder Malfoy, rather than the younger, seemed more logical.
Similarly, Draco had learned, that Harry was not at all the attention-seeking brat he had made him out to be and, what was more; he didn't like his fame one bit! Having grown up with a family that hated magic, and consequently; him, Harry had often been locked in „his cupboard", beaten by Dudley or Vernon, starved or just generally neglected. Considering that in addition to the whole hype about being the Boy-Who-Lived and having to go up against Voldemort, Harry seemed to have to endure quite a lot of unfairness in his past and present. All the he had ever wished for was the quiet family life. A Mum, a dad and a happy kid, living together in peace behind the white picket fence. A utopian thought, but perhaps closer to what a normal child's life should be like.
Hearing some of the things that had happened instead, Draco dearly wished he could vent some frustration on those Muggles. No that he cared particularly about Potter, but child abuse was vile and made him want to deliver justice himself.
Their views of - and feelings toward - each other had, from then on, changed irreversibly. After the three days of thoughtful silence, Harry had finally broken it.
„Malfoy?" He waited until he was sure he had his rival's attention. „You think we could call a truce?" A moment of tense silence followed.
„Yeah, I guess I could find a new Gryffindor to appoint my mortal enemy." A small chuckle was heard from Harry. „Though I doubt they will live up to your standards, Scarface"
„I guess not, Ferret, after all; I am quite unique." A saucy smile stole itself onto Harry's face.
The two had then become good friends and finally, unintended, they had become very dear to each other. Not that any of the two had been able to admit that openly. No, love and sexual orientation was still an undisclosed topic and therefore uncharted territory. And that was only if this feeling was really love.
The three weeks, that had gone by in no time, had changed everything.
Draco sat himself next to Harry onto the mossy ground under the tree. Leaning up against the trunk beside the black haired boy, he closed his eyes and relished the calming atmosphere. Enjoying his friend's company. All the while Harry sat beside him and watched his every move bemusedly.
When had he grown so comfortable with Draco? When had he fallen so hard for the other boy? When had he turned gay?
There was no use dwelling on all the difficult questions, though. In his opinion, all that mattered was the question; What now?
Tilting his head back, so he could watch the rays of sun through the leaves above, he didn't notice Draco turning toward him and observing him intently. Turning toward Harry fully Draco nudged Harry on the shoulder softly.
"Harry." And as the dark-haired youth turned, the Slytherin leaned in and touched his lips to Harry's gently, his arms around the unsuspecting youth's back.
A surprised, muffled, "Wha-?" was heard and then the Gryffindor's eyes drifted closed as he registered what was happening and he responded chastely, leaning toward Draco and sneaking his hands around Draco's back.
This felt exhilarating! All the foreign feelings in his gut were amazing. He felt on top of the world as his hands snuck into the blonde's hair and the kiss deepened. In this moment he was sure; He only needed Draco and he could do anything. Voldemort didn't stand a chance...Okay maybe he did, but this wasn't the time to dwell on it.
The kiss intensified as Draco's tongue slid into Harry's mouth and gently entwined with his. Harry let out a soft moan and pressed closer to Draco. Lost in the sensations they continued enjoying their partner's body heat and the feeling of warmth crawling up from the pit of their stomach. After the need for precious oxygen had become overwhelming, the two broke apart.
"Wow" Harry whispered dazedly. "We have to do that again some time."
"Most definitely." Draco agreed. " And soon." He smirked softly and tightened his hold around Harry's waist, pulling him flush against himself with Harry's back to his chest. They fit comfortably.
"You think somebody saw?" Harry asked quietly.
"I don't know, and I honestly wouldn't care if they did."
Harry sighed contently. This had to be a dream. He was with his wonderful, beautiful person and they didn't see the need to hide their relationship...speaking of which.
"I've told you: Don't call me that, Harry. I'm Draco." The Slytherin chided gently. His aversion to the shortening of his already short name had Pansy-induced reasons. Harry gazed at Draco apologetically.
"Sorry, Draco. Uhm...Just..." Stumbling over the question, he finally blurted out: "What are we now?"
"Well what do you want us to be?" Draco smiled softly at the boy in his arms.
"Boyfriends." Harry stated, a bit insecurely.
"Then boyfriends it is...love." And with that Draco kissed Harry's temple softly. And Harry felt giddy at both the kiss and the new term of endearment Draco had chosen for him.
The following month passed in complete bliss for both of them. They snuck around, kissing in corridors and meeting up in secret at night. Nobody had found out about them yet. The reason they were not too keen on letting everyone know was acceptance. They wanted to enjoy the presence of the other for as long as possible without meddling.
But fate had dealt a new card. Danger from the ever present dark forces was looming threateningly and had changed priorities for Draco. Their earlier happiness, seemed like an insignificant fact now. The two teens had experienced wonderful times together including Harry's first sexual experiences, which was also what bugged Harry the most about his lover's current behavior.
"But Dray..." His voice was wavering badly and no amount of self-control seemed to be able to change that. "You said you loved me." Sounding pathetic didn't really bother Harry right now. He felt pathetic anyway.
"Yes, I did. And don't call me that, please." His voice, outrageously, sounded almost bored. "So?"
"Well, didn't you mean it?" Harry snapped. Draco was being deliberately ignorant and he knew it!
"I guess. I don't know." Draco looked at Harry, who was standing there in only his boxers, having slept in his boyfriend's dorm. It was still morning, so Draco – not being a morning person – was still in bed. "I just want you to go now." The Slytherin's tone had a sort of finality to it that scared Harry more than anything.
"But Draco, I still love you." He whispered brokenly. "With all I have." He added. Unshed tears glistened in his eyes as he clutched his clothes to his half-naked body. He felt violated now. "Why would you sleep with me, if you didn't feel anything for me. Why would you lie?"
"Oh, come on, don't be so naive. I fucked you. I know you aren't that innocent. Don't start bawling over this." Brushing him off like a common whore or something. Harry was stunned.
"W-What? Naive? I was just a fuck-buddy, then, was I? A fling? It didn't mean...no...it can't be...you really don't love me, do you?" He finished quietly. The hurtful truth finally dawning on him. His body started to tremble now. "You know everything about me and vice versa. We built this up and I had full confidence in you...in us. I trusted you more than anyone. God, I'm so stupid!"
He couldn't do it! It was impossible for him to leave Draco.
He needed him more than anything else. He was like a drug. His only way to stay strong and deal with all the difficulties in his life, all the uncertain factors. His one constant. The person who had given him the love he so desperately needed and had lacked all his life. He couldn't let Draco go!
But he had to. If Draco really meant what he said, he'd have to let go.
The least he could do, however, was make sure Draco meant it.
"Dray, I'll leave for now. I'll be back and then we can talk. I need answers."
"I told you not to call me Dray, Potter. And don't bother coming back. I have nothing more to say."
"So we're back to last names, are we? I just hope you know what you're doing, Draco. I pray that you realize that I love you and I'm willing to wait, if time's what you need." And with that Harry grabbed the rest of his belongings and fled the room in his boxers.
Back in his own dorm, Harry curled up in his bed and let the tears flow freely.
The next few days Harry felt a horrible anxiety in his gut. It was extremely painful and he felt all his hope vanish along with his self-confidence. His usually cheery demeanor had slowly but surely morphed into a depressed slouch.
His health had, curiously, also deteriorated dramatically. It seemed as if his mental health was directly linked – probably through his magic – to his physical health. Feeling ill and weak, he had skipped several classes and, in turn, earned a trip to the hospital wing for a check-up. The school nurse, however had not found anything to be amiss and had given him a clean bill of health, writing the pains and sickness off to meteorosensitivity or a slight cold.
Harry thanked Merlin for advanced glamour charms. Imitating a healthy body inside and out wasn't exactly first year magic. He didn't need the attention of the whole school. He was feeling depressed and didn't want to have to deal with all the pitying stares of his fellow students. He would figure this thing out himself.
Even Hermione and Ron hadn't been able to find anything wrong with him, except for the fact that he wasn't eating and hardly ever talked anymore. Well, not to them anyways. He didn't think they would understand his love for the enemy that had hurt and ridiculed them countless times before.
Meanwhile, Harry watched Draco's every move, trying to catch him alone and talk about their break-up. But Draco was well aware of his ex-lover's plan and avoided him very efficiently, even going as far as leaving the library when he saw Harry entering.
Many teachers grew concerned with the odd signs of illness that Harry showed, or rather, the problem was they didn't see anything wrong with Harry's body when there should be. Depression had quite obviously taken hold of the Boy-Who-Lived.
Even Snape had laid off of Harry, in favour of torturing Neville. It seemed that after the Occlumency had shown that the Saviour's home-life wasn't all the rumors had made it out to be and the saving of his godson's life, the professor had tried to better his ways. Currently he was giving Harry odd glances during Potions classes, watching his every move during meals and acknowledging him in corridors with a sharply spoken "Potter." and a slight nod of the head.
Harry had taken to responding likewise. A mutual sort of respect had been the result.
Trying to find out what in the blazes was wrong with the Potter boy, however, wasn't as easy as previously assumed. The young man's mind had proven to be far more complex than he had expected. Especially since detentions where the only means of closer inspection of Harry that the professor had. After consulting Poppy Pomphrey, however, Snape had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that nothing but observation could be done at the moment.
After several days of unsuccessful pursuit of Draco, Harry gave up hoping to reach the Slytherin this way.
Having no other choice, Harry decided to enter the Slytherin dorms without permission and wait for Draco in his own room.
He really couldn't imagine his world void of Draco, but at least an explanation for all the alleged lies would give him closure, or so he thought. It wouldn't make it alright, he knew that, but the way it was now was definitely worse. So he sneaked into Slytherin that evening, just before dinner.
Getting into the Slytherin dorms wasn't much of a challenge, he still had the current password after all. He passed through the common room and stepped up the stairs. Entering the fifth room to his left in the long hall way, Harry softly clicked the door into place behind his back.
He breathed deeply, Draco's scent lingered. Oh, how he missed being near him, snuggling into that warm chest. Now he just felt cold and alone all the time. He felt like an abandoned puppy; completely hope- and helpless. He honestly didn't know how other people got over break-ups. It didn't seem like this pain would ever leave...
Walking through the room he kicked off his shoes, his toes sinking into the lush carpet. When he reached the bed, he curled up on it, rather like a cat would, hugging a pillow to his mid-section.
He didn't expect to be waiting over an hour, so after three solid hours of agonizing silence, he drifted off, engulfed in Morpheus' arms.
That's how Draco found him on entering his room that night.
Sighing, half in exasperation, half in pain, he smoothed out Harry's hair and brushed a stray lock out if the raven haired boy's face. He really missed his other half and he was well aware that he would never find anyone as perfect as Harry ever again. Never.
But he also knew that if he wanted himself, his family and Harry to survive the war, he would have to cut all ties to the Light Side. He had been warned and he knew better than to ignore this warning. Of course, telling Harry this would have been an option, but making a clean break seemed better. Harry then didn't have to live on edge, always hoping to come back together with Draco, always torn between knowing Draco loved him and knowing that he couldn't act on it. He would end up doing something stupid. Risking his life. Dying for Draco. He couldn't stand the thought.
His heart heavy with regret he shook the sleeping boy roughly by the shoulders until bleary green eyes opened.
"Get up, Potter."
"Hmm..." he hummed. "Oh, Draco, you finally came." He smiled widely and – still half asleep - made to hug Draco. But he was stopped in his tracks by a hand pushing on his chest.
"Don't, Potter." An awkward silence stretched. "You just don't want to get it, do you? We're through. You were a good pass-time and a fun lay and yes, I enjoyed myself. Now, pull yourself together and get over it. Lot's of people break up every day and they move on, too. Just get out and don't bother speaking to me again, you got me?" Draco saw Harry's expression crumble. Now he looked just as lost and abandoned as he had these past days. He wanted to slap Harry out of his stupor, he should be moving on! But he had to force himself not to care. He couldn't afford to let his feelings out, or he would definitely choose Harry and a torturous death over no Harry and a longer life.
"I just really wanted to know why, Draco. I don't understand and I need to know. But ..." When no answer came, he continued "...you obviously find me too annoying, so I'll leave. But know this, Draco..." Now his voice cracked and tears dripped from his chin onto the soft bedding "I love you." He whispered and gently touched his hand to Draco's cheek. "And I'll never let go." With that he pulled his hand back, stumbled out of the Slytherin dorms and ran blindly up to the Astronomy tower to sob his heart out.
This was pure agony.
Crying loudly, screaming himself hoarse, he collapsed into an exhausted heap after a while. Everything was dark and Harry only wished for it to stay that way. There wasn't anything a new morning could bring to make him feel better. Nothing. From that night on Harry closed himself off from the rest of the world radically. He would hardly eat and spend his nights in the Room of Requirements, trying to find a way to defeat the Dark Lord and his followers. From battle strategies to potions and charms that may help. Even ancient dark spells and enchantments didn't slip past his attention.
But he himself knew he didn't have much time left. His body was in a terrible state. He had thrown up blood the last few days and he couldn't explain what was wrong with his stomach. He had taken a potion to treat ulcers, but it had obviously not healed whatever was the problem and Harry chose to simply ignore it rather than wasting time on a professional opinion.
It didn't matter.
Well, his body begged to differ.
Three months after his last talk with Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter was found passed out on the floor of his dorm, a pool of bloody vomit beside him, by one Ronald Weasley. He was rushed to the Hospital Wing once again.
"I just feel like he's slipping through our fingers, Ron." Hermione whispered sadly. Harry lay unconscious on the hospital bed. Dumbledore gazed mournfully at the small teen on the white sheets, while Snape wore a worried expression, much to the shock of Ron.
"Unfortunately, Miss Granger, that is a very astute observation." Madam Pomphrey stood at the end of Harry's bed while Ron and Hermione were seated next to it on two wooden chairs. "He has a severe ulcer and due to it not having healed or taken care of in time he now has severe blood poisoning. And if this continues he will die." Her face was set in a confused frown. "What stumps me, though, are the traces of an ulcer-potion in his blood, recently ingested I would presume, that has obviously shown no effect whatsoever." Waving her wand over the unconscious student in complex patterns, murmuring various Latin incantations, she finally paused and let out a huff of frustration.
"This is serious. I'll have to do some research right away."
"Well we'll leave you to it then, Poppy. Fire-call me, if you need any assistance from." With that, Dumbledore and a reluctant Snape stepped through the large wooden doors of the Hospital Wing.
"What's wrong with him." Ron asked alarmed. "Please, Madam, he's our best friend! He's not going to...you know...die. Is he?" Hermione sucked in a breath of air at the notion of losing Harry this way.
"His magical core isn't functioning properly. The potions are worthless without his magic responding to their properties. And he looks healthy, well, except for the ulcer. This cannot be, he must have some outward signs of his condition. I can't tell you if this is life-threatening, until I know what's wrong exactly. Don't go writing him off just yet, though, Mr. Weasley." The frown on her face suddenly deepened. "Perhaps Mr. Potter has discovered Advanced Glamours. It would explain...Hmmmm...Let's see now." With that she hurried off, all the while muttering book titles.
"Of course!" Hermione cried. "Advanced Glamours are extremely difficult magic and very effective. Harry always aces charms. This would be his forte. And we know he doesn't like to talk about his problems, especially his personal ones. This is the perfect mask. Literally. But these glamours use up large amounts of the caster's magical energy. Maybe this is why his Magical Core isn't responding: He's had the Glamour on for too long!"
"But do you think the damage to his core is permanent?" Ron asked, worry lines forming on his forehead.
"I can't say. But the longer he stays under the charm, the more magic it uses. His core must be close to dying. Let's go help Madam Pomphrey with the research." Worried about their best friend, they hurried off to tell the nurse of their findings and help her find the counter-spell for the glamour.
Meanwhile the news of Harry's illness had spread like a wild fire. There was one student in particular who wasted not a second and rushed up to the Hospital Wing. After being informed of the seriousness of the situation, he broke down beside Harry's bed. Ron and Hermione shared a questioning look, but didn't seem too surprised that Draco Malfoy was at their friend's side, worrying over him like a lover would. In fact, they had suspected something going on from all the glances and stares between the two. Of course having it confirmed in this way was still a shock, but they had come to the conclusion that they could live with it.
Meanwhile, Draco was frantic.
"Oh, Harry what the hell have you gotten yourself into now." Praying that the Gryffindor would get through this alive, he kissed his love's temple and gripped his hand tightly. "Please, Harry, I didn't mean the things I said. Please." He pressed his cheek to Harry's chest. "I love you, too." Tenderly whispered words and soft caresses.
That's it. He would switch sides. He would forsake everything for Harry. Nothing else mattered anymore. His parents were well aware of the risk they had taken and they would flee if the Dark Lord threatened to eliminate them out of anger over Draco's defection. It was just impossible for Draco to leave Harry and he would do whatever it took to stay by his side.
Finally, after four hours of searching the counter charm was found and the true extent of the damage to Harry's body way uncovered. Gasps of horror and surprise were heard. His body was extremely malnourished. Patches of skin seemed to be bruised and inflamed. Dark rings under the eyes and matted hair definitely weren't the worst of Harry's problems. Definitely life-threatening. His organs had taken considerable damage and the nurse hoped that she could reverse said damage in time for Harry's system and Magic to recuperate.
After two hours of pouring Potions down Harry's throat and muttering spells, Madam Pomphrey announced that Harry was stable for now. They had done it. They had been able to pull the Gryffindor back from death's door.
"Thank Merlin." Draco buried his face in Harry's hair and cried. Salty tears making tracks down his pale cheeks. "Thank Merlin."
Several days later Harry woke up.
Draco had fallen asleep beside him. He was spooned up against Harry's back with one arm over the raven-haired boy.
As Harry's eyes slowly opened and he grew conscious of his surroundings, he inhaled a familiar scent.
"Draco?" He croaked, his voice, unused, failed to do its job properly, but Draco heard it anyway.
"Harry! Finally! Oh, thank you Merlin, finally." He hugged Harry to his chest, fresh tears leaking down his face. When he pulled back, he looked into stunned, emerald eyes.
"I thought you didn't care, Draco." Harry's voice sounded small. "Was I wrong?" Oh, the hope in those words was heart-wrenching.
Draco painfully closed his eyes. Shame for hurting the one thing he cherished above all, weighing heavy on his heart. He couldn't fathom the reasons for the break-up anymore, they seemed illogical and irrelevant now.
"Yes," He whispered almost reverently. "Yes, you were wrong and I was stupid. And I'll explain. But not now." Draco tightened his hold on the precious person before him."All you need to now right now is that I...Harry, I never stopped loving you." The sincerity in Draco's voice was obvious. "And when they told me you were sick, I almost had a heart attack. I didn't think that me breaki- I just didn't think, Harry, love, please don't ever do that again. Don't scare me like that." Draco's last statement was forceful. Testament to the fear he had had for Harry's life.
Meanwhile a calm serenity crept onto Harry's features. He relaxed into Draco's loving hold and placed his hands atop the ones of his lover. Draco had not abandoned him or their love. He had had a reason and had made a wrong decision. He wouldn't have to be without him ever again. They could get through everything now. His confidence was back!
There was just one more thing his love had to understand completely.
"Just remember, Dray, my heart isn't made for breaking."
Thanks for reading ;)
Hope you enjoyed my little OneShot. Please, for the sake of my progress, drop a line or two ^.^