Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Zombies Ate My Neighbors
Asuma stood idly for a moment, staring off blankly across the village rooftops. He reached inside his pocket for a new cigarette and found his carton empty. The dark haired ninja let out a grunt of annoyance as he tossed it away, "It's a sticky job, but somebody's got to do it."
Naruto rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Will you hurry up and say goodbye to your woman, so we can leave already?"
A light blush spread across Asuma's face as he turned away from his three comrades, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Naruto let out chuckle, "You can't fool my nose, your scent is also coming from that apartment building about four blocks over."
"Plus, Kurenai just walked out onto the veranda." added Kakashi, ready for travel with his nose already stuck in an Icha Icha book.
Asuma refused to give in, even though they had pegged him dead on, "You guys are speaking nonsense."
Shikamaru gave his sensei a funny look before shaking his head and muttering, "Too damn troublesome."
"So that's how it's gonna be? Fine." Naruto gave a slight nod towards Kakashi.
"Hey Kurenai! Don't worry, we'll bring Asuma back home after we're done playing!" yelled Kakashi.
A slightly shocked Kurenai suddenly looked up from the laundry she was hanging up, spotting the silver haired jonin waving at her.
Kurenai waved back, "Be careful out there! All of you!"
"Bye, honey." replied Asuma as he waved back, unable to hold back blushing any longer.
"A moment of silence for our venerable leader." said Naruto as the he, Shikamaru, and Kakashi mimicked the sound of a whip cracking.
"You guys are just jealous..." grumbled Asuma as they departed towards the gate.
Kakashi grinned at him, "Then good sir, do tell, what is hiding under those magnificent wrappings?"
Asuma snorted, "Dream on."
Naruto snorted, "Wrong thing to say to a guy with an Icha Icha addiction..."
After a couple days travel, the four man squad arrived at the fire temple. The Akatsuki attack had completely wrecked the temple, the monks were just now finishing up gathering the bodies of their deceased brethren from the wreckage.
"I'm sorry to say that Chiriku-sama is the only body we haven't been able to locate, Sarutobi-dono." informed one of the monks.
"One of the MO's of the Akatsuki is cashing in on high paying bounties." stated Kakashi.
"You're right on the money." replied Naruto as he flipped to Chiriku's page in the Bingo Book. "That monk just got a massive upgrade in the Bingo Book. Someone put a bounty of 30 million on his head."
"That means they're probably at the exchange point right now." stated Shikamaru.
"Naruto-" began Kakashi, only for the blond to cut him off.
"Yeah, I'm on it." grunted Naruto as he flipped to another page the Bingo Book. "There's an exchange point close to our area and four more within the searching scope of our other platoons."
"Good, I'll send word to the teams in those areas to check them out." stated Kakashi, pulling out a piece of paper and walking towards the messenger birds.
"Alright, once that's done, we'll move out." ordered Asuma.
Naruto glanced over to one of the monks and gave him a feral grin, "You guys might want to say a few prayers. Before the day is over, we going to have some blood on our hands..."
"Speak for yourself..." muttered Shikamaru.
It took Kakashi only a few more minutes to send out the messages, "The other squads should be on their exchange points not too long after we reach ours."
"Thank you for your assistance." Asuma said to the monks as they turned to leave.
An elder monk caught sight of the sash hanging out the bottom of Asuma's flak jacket, "That waistband...you were once a member of the 12 Ninja Guardians like Chiriku. You have a bounty on your head as well Sarutobi-dono. Please be careful."
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at this, not knowing of this information previously.
Asuma waived off his concern with a grin, "You don't have to worry about me. My bounty is worth 5 million more than Chiriku's, it'll be a lot tougher for them to take my head."
Naruto started snickering, "Only 35 million? That's kind of sad for a jonin."
Kakashi rolled his eyes, "Not all jonin are as famous as me and no ninja period is as big of a pain in the ass as you are."
"35 million is a damn good bounty..." grumbled Asuma.
Shikamaru let out a yawn, "Traveling with all you high bounty guys...damn troublesome. If I get killed, I'm haunting you guys."
Naruto snorted, "That's only because you'd be to damn lazy to make the effort to move on the next world."
"Yeah, you'd probably leech off of our shadows and watch clouds all day." added Asuma.
Shikamaru grinned, "Sounds like a damn good afterlife to me."
Hidan and Kakuzu made their way through the bathroom of a run down building, the latter with the body of Chiriku draped over his back. As the Akatsuki pair moved towards the back wall, a section of the wall in between a pair of urinals slid back to reveal the hidden entrance of the bounty exchanger.
A bald man with as crossed shaped scar above his right eye and a goatee stuck his head out and welcomed them in, "Right over here."
Hidan ran his hand through his hair in annoyance, "They actually hid the entrance to this place behind a urinal? You have got to be fucking kidding me..."
The two followed the short man inside where he led them into a wide open room that was set up like a morgue. The man opened up a wall drawer and pulled back an empty stone slab for Kakuzu to lay the body down onto.
The man took a look at the 12 Guardian Ninja sash and face to confirm the kill, "This is Chiriku alright. You just keep bagging those big timers one after another, Kakuzu."
"Sure." replied Kakuzu as the guy handed over a briefcase.
Seeing the deal presumably done, Hidan was ready to go, "Let's get a fucking move on. This place fucking reeks."
Kakuzu ignored his partner as he opened the briefcase and started going through the bills.
Hidan growled in annoyance, "What the fuck, Kakuzu! I said let's go!"
"Hang on, I still have to count the money." replied an annoyed Kakuzu.
Hidan shook his head and started walking out, "Fuck this shit. I don't know where that fucking smell is coming from, but I'm not standing in it anymore. I'll wait outside. Stankin' ass motherfuckers..."
Kakuzu just rolled his eyes as he continued to count the money.
Kakashi lead the four man formation with Naruto covering the rear as the squad leaped across the trees towards their destination.
After giving Asuma a few inquisitive glances, Shikamaru finally decided to ask the question that had been bugging him for a while now, "Hey, Asuma-sensei, who was this Chiriku guy to you anyway?"
Asuma raised an eyebrow at his student, "Where is this coming from?"
"From the beginning of this mission you've been acting differently. Whenever we've been on a mission with Kakashi, you always let him take point." responded Shikamaru.
"Huh. I didn't even realize that." muttered Kakashi. "Lazy bastard."
"Plus, you haven't even lit up once since we left the village." added Shikamaru.
"I guess nothing gets past you these days." said Asuma. "The fact that it's Akatsuki already put me on notice, but the fact that they managed to kill Chiriku means this pair is definitely no joke. That's why I haven't been smoking, don't need the distraction."
"You still haven't answered my question." reminded Shikamaru.
"I guess you could say that me and Chiriku are similar to you and Chouji." responded Asuma. "That a good enough answer for ya?"
"Yeah, it explains a lot." replied Shikamaru.
"Heads up, men. We're almost there and it looks like we've got company..." informed Kakashi.
"Hope to do business with you again soon, sir." said the exchanger as Kakuzu turned to leave.
"I'm sorry to say that you won't be seeing us anytime soon. Our next target is the jinchurikki of Konoha, our organization wants him alive first." replied Kakuzu.
"That's too bad then, but if I may make one suggestion. You should probably opt for a new partner. The one you have doesn't seem to be too interested in turning a good profit. Quite frankly, he'll probably end up being bad for your business."
"I already know that." replied Kakuzu. "The guy has zero interest in making money, but there is a reason why he's my partner."
This really poked the man's curiosity, "Why is he your partner then?"
"The reason is quite simple. Every single one of my old partners is dead. I have no patience for incompetence, the second I get pissed with someone I kill them." stated Kakuzu. "But this guy won't die. I've tried before many times, but I just can't manage to kill him. It's as simple as that."
A stunned look crossed the man's face as Kakuzu exited the hideout.
"This is some major bullshit. I was barely in that fucking dump for five minutes and now my clothes smell like shit." complained Hidan. "Fuck!"
He then heard someone approaching and turned to face what he thought was his partner.
"About fucking time-" his rant was cut off as he found the fire enshrouded form of Naruto charging him. The gray haired Akatsuki member quickly yanked on the metal cable hidden under his sleeve, unleashing his three bladed scythe directly at the incoming foe. He smirked when Naruto was unable to dodge, and the scythe embedded itself in his chest continuing flying back until it pinned him up against a wall.
"Too easy-" Hidan's gloating was cut short as the Naruto pinned to the wall grinned before vanishing in a puff of smoke. He then caught sight of Kakashi and Asuma rapidly closing in on him from the side in his peripheral vision. He went to move, but suddenly found himself frozen place.
"You're finished." declared Shikamaru as Hidan finally caught site of him sitting on the roof.
Asuma ripped into his jugular and femoral arteries with his trench knives while Kakashi brutally carved up his chest with a fuuma shuriken.
"One down!" proclaimed Asuma with a satisfied look as they leaped back to observe their handiwork.
To all of their surprise the Akatsuki ninja didn't collapse into a puddle of his own blood, but instead started cursing up a storm. "What the fuck man! I'm just sitting out here, minding my own damn business, and you sons of bitches pull this shit! This fucking hurts, assholes!" cursed Hidan.
"I know I hit his vitals, for sure..." muttered Asuma.
"I drove mine right through his heart..." added an equally puzzled Kakashi.
"Just look at how much shit you fucked up with this blade! Fucking bullshit, man!" yelled Hidan.
"He's somehow invulnerable." hypothesized Kakashi as he looked him over with the sharingan.
"Now you shitheads are catching on." growled Hidan. "Who the fuck are you ass wipes, anyway?"
He then caught a closer look at Asuma and Kakashi. "Ah shit! A couple high bounty tree-fuckers, now I have to go back into that reeking shit hole of a bounty station. Thanks a lot, shitheads!" grumbled Hidan.
"And he's got one hell of a mouth on him." added Kakashi to his earlier assessment.
"The other one should have shown himself by now." said Asuma as he scanned around. "With this guy sitting out in the open, we figured we could take out one Akatsuki before dealing with the other..."
"Ha! Looks like you picked the wrong one, dumbass." taunted Hidan.
Right on cue, the roof of the building exploded revealing Kakuzu as he made a beeline for Shikamaru, his fist cocked back ready to strike. Naruto suddenly appeared in front of the other Akatsuki, covering for the Nara with a fire enhanced fist cocked back to match Kakuzu. However, Shikamaru had already moved to retreat, breaking off his shadow possession of Hidan. The moment the jutsu wore off, Kakashi and Asuma retreated even further away from Hidan, regrouping next to Naruto and Shikamaru. Kakuzu avoided Naruto all together, opting to dart over next to his partner.
"Well, would you look at this. You happened to stumble upon some money, Hidan." casually commented Kakuzu. "Copy Nin Kakashi and another one of the Twelve Ninja Guardians."
Hidan snorted in disgust, "Whatever. Just don't get in my way. These fuckers will be my ceremonial offerings to Jashin-sama. You can handle the money afterward."
Hidan began using his foot to create a circular symbol on the ground from blood spilled by Kakashi and Asuma's attacks.
"Do as you wish." replied Kakuzu. "Just don't let your guard down, or you might actually die."
Hidan rolled his eyes at his partner, "Why are you talking nonsense? I want them to kill me in they can kill me, but it's impossible right?"
"If it's going to be one-on-one, that's right up my ally. They don't know who I am yet." declared Naruto. "Just make sure tall, dark, and ugly keep's it honest."
Kakashi quickly shot that notion down, "We're not going to play this one on one. We don't have enough information. We need proceed with caution since it appears the normal methods of killing and incapacitation will be unavailable to us."
"Shikamaru, you hang back we three engage this invulnerable guy. Naruto, you leave a few clones back to cover him." ordered Asuma. "Shikamaru, I want you focused on finding an opening, then binding him. Kakashi, I think you should try that Kamui technique of yours this time once he is bound, so once he is caught you back off and prepare it."
All three nodded in acceptance of his orders, "Got it."
"Shall we kick this off with a bang, gentleman?" suggested Kakashi.
"Do you even have to ask?" retorted Naruto.
Lining up all in a row the three started off with a devastating combination technique.
"Karyuu no Houkou! (Fire Dragon's Roar)"
"Fūton: Daitoppa! (Wind Release: Great Breakthrough)"
"Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu! (Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique)"
"Well I'll be damned, that's pretty impressive..." muttered Kakuzu as he watched the three techniques merge into a massive wave of fire headed straight for his partner.
Hidan growled as he flung his scythe out to the side where it embedded itself in a building wall and the metal cable retracted, pulling him out of harms way. A barrage of shuriken from Asuma quickly forced Hidan to deflect the projectiles with the Fuuma shuriken he'd previously extracted from his own body. Expanding the blades, he fired the shuriken right back at Asuma, who cut right through the weapon with his trench knives, rendering it useless. Naruto engaged the gray haired immortal next, Hidan swiftly avoiding a right handed hay maker. Hidan followed with an elbow to the gut that Naruto blocked, while both simultaneously struck with strong left kicks, sending each other skidding back a few feet. Hidan leaped into the air again to avoid the hands of Kakashi as he emerged from underground. He yanked on the cable to his scythe swinging around to slice at Kakashi, but Asuma appeared in the blades path blocking with his trench knives. Hidan quickly rolled to the left to dodge a blast of fire courtesy of Naruto, but it only proved to be a distraction as Kakashi and another Naruto appeared in front of him, nailing him with a double punch to the chest that sent him flying. Hidan yanked on his scythe as he flew back, disengaging it from Asuma in process. The tip of the scythe raked across his forearm, but he paid no attention to the minor scratch.
"You're finished!" declared a smirking Hidan as he came to a stop after skidding back on his feet, and darted back towards the circle symbol where he started the battle from. He pulled the scythe back into his hand and licked the tip of it, and as he did so his body began to transform. He gained a grim reaper like appearance with black skin and white bone markings.
"Fool..." muttered Naruto, as he noticed Hidna retreated back to the spot where he started the battle. The dragon slayer fired off a concentrated blast of fire right in front of the spot, his attack landing just before Hidan reached the spot.
"Dragon Bomb!" The fire bomb exploded on his command, however, instead of the Hidan swearing from the pain, it was Asuma.
"Shit!" cursed Asuma. His comrades turned to him to find him grimacing as the left side of his face and right arm was covered in burns.
"It burns doesn't it, asshole?" mocked Hidan. "Maybe now, you'll begin to understand the pain of others."
'He charged right through that blast and somehow Asuma got injured from the burns as too...' thought Kakashi.
"This guy with the fire attacks, don't tell me Hidan's this lucky..." mumbled Kakuzu as he started flipping through his Bingo Book.
"What the hell just happened!" growled Naruto.
"You bitches are now cursed." declared Hidan. "Now it's time to start my ritual! Prepare to savor the utmost pain together!"
"Oi! Hidan! You can't kill the blond one! I'm pretty sure he's the kyuubi container!" announced Kakuzu.
"Well, that fucking sucks!" complained Hidan. "I guess I'll just have to make it extra painful for him! You still better stay out this!"
Kakuzu waved him off, "Yeah, yeah. Have your damn fun. I don't care as long as we get the bounties. The kyuubi-punk has a high one too, but that will have to wait until after we unseal him."
'How did Asuma get burned? This doesn't make any damn sense!' thought Naruto.
"Shit! Don't tell me this is apart his technique now that his body changed..." mumbled Shikamaru.
"You alright?" asked Kakashi as moved next to Asuma.
"It's only flesh wounds, I can still fight." replied Asuma. "But, that's the least of our problems."
"I don't know what bullshit you're trying to pull, but I'm not falling for it!" yelled Naruto as he charged the immortal.
"Oh, yeah?" Hidan took a retractable spear out his cloak, extended it to its full size, and stabbed himself through the leg. Immediately Asuma went down to ground clutching his left leg.
"Dammit!" swore Asuma.
"This technique, he somehow linked his own body to Asuma-sensei's!" yelled Shikamaru. "He's like a living voodoo doll!"
"Naruto, stand down!" commanded Kakashi, freezing the blond his tracks.
Hidan cackled with glee, "I bet that one was really painful! But, we've only just begun! The real pain comes from the vitals! I can't fucking wait! The pain from someone dieing flooding through my body, I can almost taste it! More pain? Or should I end it for you now?"
"Shikamaru, freeze his movements!" ordered Kakashi.
"I'm on it!" yelled Shikamaru.
Hidan positioned the spear at his chest, preparing to impale himself on the tip, but his incessant gloating proved to be costly.
"You should feel privileged! A worthless piece of shit like you has become the next sacrifice to the almighty Jashin-sama!" roared Hidan. "Now, die asshole!"
"Not on my watch!" yelled Shikamaru as his shadow connected with Hidan's.
"Shit!" swore Hidan as his body froze in place again. His body mimicked Shikamaru's movements as the Nara slowly shuffled his body to the left, moving Hidan outside of his circle.
"Thank goodness, he figured out the secret." grunted Asuma as he slowly rose to his feet.
"We've got to keep him away from the symbol he created on the ground. That's the link to his technique along with the opponents blood." informed Shikamaru.
Asuma shook his head, "That little scratch enabled him to do this?"
Shikamaru nodded, "That weapon is designed for drawing blood from an opponent. Once he gets your blood and does his little ritual, it's usually over. But, he has to stay inside the symbol for it to work. That's why no matter how far we drew him away from that spot, he always moved back in its direction."
"He figured all of that out, that fast?" mumbled a surprised Kakuzu.
"The brains did his part, now it's my turn!" declared Naruto as he rushed Hidan, his body enshrouded in flame once again.
"Dragon Horn!" Naruto clotheslined Hidan with a violent Lariat attack, sending the gray haired ninja flying away from his symbol. A Naruto clone laid in wait for the jashinist, somersaulting into a double kick that sent Hidan flying up into the air.
"Fuck!" swore Hidan when he realized he was headed straight for yet another Naruto clone.
"Dragon Buster!" The clone sent him crashing back down into the ground with a vicious double axe handle.
Kakuzu let out a whistle, "Hidan is no joke when it comes to strength in taijustu. The jinchurikki isn't half bad."
Hidan now lay in the bottom of a sizable crater, his body facing down into the ground and his head facing back up towards to sky.
"Damn that feels a lot better! Thanks man, I had this annoying crick in the back of my neck for a while now." muttered Hidan.
"I just snapped his fucking neck! What the fuck is this!" roared Naruto in frustration.
"That's some weak shit is what is!" mocked Hidan as he sat up and snapped his head back into place.
Naruto was really starting to get pissed off, "You piece of fucking trash! I'll just take your head clean off, you fucking masochistic freak! Let's see you get up from that asshole!"
"Shouldn't somebody be trying to calm him down?" questioned Shikamaru.
Kakashi shook his head, "He's not really angry. He's just annoyed. When he's really pist off...well you'll know."
"This is so damn bizarre. It's like watching the unstoppable force, meet the immovable object." commented Asuma.
Hidan quickly reached his feet, his bones cracking loudly as he snapped his head back into place.
'This guy likes close range, I'll keep him at a distance.' thought Hidan as he unleashed his scythe at the charging Naruto.
To his surprise Naruto suddenly halted and yanked the scythe out of mid air once in reached him, entering into a tug of war with Hidan.
"Hey, let fucking go!" snarled Hidan.
"Hell no!" yelled Naruto.
Hidan retracted the cable in the opposite direction, sending himself flying back towards Naruto and scythe, leveling the surprised blond with a flying kick.
"Jackass. Keep your hands off my damn scythe." grumbled Hidan when he then noticed the Naruto he hit vanish into a puff of smoke.
"Well, shit." he muttered as two clones closed in on him from both sides.
"Double Dragon Horn!" The two lariat attacks coming from both sides met at Hidan's neck and took his head right off his shoulders. It popped up into the air and landed on the side of his face several feet away.
"And the unstoppable force wins." dryly announced Shikamaru.
Asuma cringed slightly, "That was brutal!"
"And I think he just made it up." added Kakashi.
"I think I'll have his head stuffed and mounted on my wall as souvenir." declared Naruto.
"Like hell you will!" yelled Hidan's head.
'What the fuck...' were the collective thoughts of the four Konoha shinobi observing the scene.
"Kakazu! What the fuck are you just standing there for! Bring me my body! What the fuck! I said my body!" screamed the talking head, as Kakuzu yanked it up by the hair.
"Your head is lighter." retorted an annoyed Kakuzu.
"Well then at least pick up my head! Don't drag me by the hair, it's fucking painful!" bitched Hidan.
Kakuzu rolled his eyes, "You just got decapitated and you're complaining about the pain from me pulling you hair?"
"Shut up asshole! You don't want me to get started on the pain in my neck!" shouted Hidan. "That was no clean decapitation!"
"You have got to be shitting me..." muttered Naruto.
"Shut up the fuck up! You fucking asshole! Cutting my head off like that! You don't have a fucking clue how much this hurts! This fucking painful asshole!" ranted Hidan.
"Naruto just decapitated that guy, right?" asked Asuma.
Kakashi nodded, "Uh-huh."
"And he's still alive?" asked Asuma.
Kakashi nodded again, "Uh-huh."
"Good, just checking." replied Asuma.
"This is about to get a lot more troublesome." warned Shikamaru. "I doubt the other guy is going to continue sitting on the sidelines now."
"And he's probably the stronger of the two..." mumbled Asuma. "How far away is our backup?"
"Still a half an hour away at best." answered Kakashi. "Hopefully, they have a medical ninja with them, but there's no guarantee."
"Looks like you were right, eh Shika?" joked Asuma. "Shit has gotten real troublesome, real fast."
"Things may not be as bad as they seem." stated Shikamaru. "Immortal or not, that guy still needs a body to fight. Right now he can't do anything, meaning we just have to worry about the other guy."
"You wish." retorted Kakuzu as he knelt down in front of Hidan's body.
"There's no time to assist weaklings!" roared Naruto as he fired a Dragon Bomb attack right at Kakuzu once his back was turned. "That's why you never turn your back the Konoha's Inferno. You never know when that final burn is going to do you in."
The arrogant smirk was quickly erased from his face when the smoke from the attack cleared to show Hidan and Kakuzu not even singed by the attack. To their surprised, Kakuzu was sowing Hidan's head back onto his body with some strange black threads coming out of his sleeves.
Asuma couldn't believe it, "You have got to be shitting me..."
"That's much better." sighed Hidan as he moved his neck around once Kakuzu was done.
"Hey! Don't move it too much, it'll come off again." warned Kakuzu.
Kakashi stared at the scene in front of him in disbelief, "He reattached his head..."
"Just what in the hell are we up against?" muttered Shikamaru.
Kakuzu let out a grunt of annoyance, "I can't believe you dragged me into this. You take forever with everything man! Your long damn speeches and your long damn rituals, you have got to be slowest ninja ever."
"Whatever." replied Hidan, rolling his eyes. "Leave the Kyuubi-punk to me. He and I have a little score to settle."
"Fine, I'll take care two bounties and you handle that shadow punk too. Just make sure not to kill the vessel." reminded Kakuzu.
"I know dammit!" retorted Hidan.
Naruto had been seething with anger ever since Kakuzu emerged from his attack unscathed, and Hidan's last comment finally pushed him over the edge, "I don't give a fuck if even both of you are immortal! I'm going to blast you into oblivion!"
He outstretched his arm at the two and fired a massive Big Bang fireball right at them.
"Hit the deck!" yelled Kakashi as he, Shikamaru, and Asuma dove for cover.
Naruto roared with laughter as he watched the aftermath of the explosion. His laughter quickly evaporated as the smoke and debris to reveal the pair of Akatsuki wrapped up in a cocoon of black threads, completely unharmed. The threads quickly retracted into a mask-like object sitting at the feet of Kakuzu.
"You'll have to do better than that shit stain!" mocked Hidan.
"That guy is almost as annoying as you, Hidan." dryly remarked Kakuzu.
"Fuck you, man!" retorted Hidan.
"The skeleton is mine!" growled Naruto, flames violently churning around his body.
"Shikamaru, cover Naruto as best you can. Back-up should be here any minute now." ordered Asuma.
"This is not good..." mumbled the dark haired chunin as he moved to shadow the battle between the dragon slayer and the immortal. The mask object sprouted more threads as it moved to follow Hidan as the battle moved away from Kakuzu, Kakashi, and Asuma.
"So, what's up with those threads?" Asuma asked Kakashi.
"They can move and they're laced with chakra." deadpanned Kakashi.
"Fat lot of good that sharingan eye is." grumbled Asuma.
"Yep, nothing but a big chakra drain." added Kakashi.
"Let's make this quick. I want to cash in your bounties before the exchanger closes up from the day." announced Hidan.
Asuma pumped more chakra into his trench knives, extending their range, while Kakashi activated the Raikiri in both hands. The two charged Kakuzu, who in turn sped forward to meet their dash. The masked ninja suddenly halted as a pair of hands from a Kakashi clone hidden under ground emerged and grabbed onto his legs. He was undeterred by the maneuver, however, flipping back his sleeves and thrusting his arms forward where the bottom half of his arms separated at the forearm and stretched forward using the black threads. The two jonin reacted accordingly, deflecting the hands aside once in range and slicing through the thread bundles to break the connection. The threads quickly spread out trying to grab a hold of the Konoha pair, but Asuma used the full extent of his knives range to cut the threads back. Kakashi capitalized on the created opening by rushing to Kakuzu's body and plunging both Raikiris right into his chest cavity. A look of surprise flashed across his face before he quickly pulled his arms out and retreated away from the Akatsuki member.
"Figures a pair zombies would be teammates." muttered Kakashi as he watched massive hole he just created, close right back up with the black threads.
Shikamaru wasn't quite sure what to make of the battle he was watching. There was no strategy, no planning, just pure carnage. Naruto seemed content to deal out as much damage as possible until he found Hidan's breaking point and Hidan, being the masochist that he was, seemed to content to take said punishment until Naruto eventually ran out of gas. A taijustu slug fest kicked it off, with Naruto abandoning all concept of defense, just dealing out massive crushing blows one after another. Hidan returned the favor when he could, eventually enabling himself to draw blood after a vicious uppercut to Naruto's chin. Shikamaru was forced to intervene here using the last of his chakra on a shadow possession. Lacking the remaining strength to move Hidan out of the circle, Shikamaru relieved the Jashinist of his spear and scythe before losing control of the technique. Hidan seemingly had the last laugh as he revealed a second retractable spear he had hidden in his cloak and proceeded to impale himself through the knee and the shoulder joint, hoping to inflict crippling pain to Naruto. The blond was simply too pissed off to care at the moment, fighting through the pain to deal a punch to the gut and a massive headbutt that knocked both fighters for a loop. Naruto recovered quicker, relieving the Akatsuki foe of his weapon before stumbling away and deciding to use his head for once in the fight. Attacking with his flames, which would harm Hidan, but not himself due his fire immunity. The Jashinist didn't seem to care, content to let Naruto blast away until he ran out of gas.
"HAAAAAAA!" roared Naruto as he fired blast after blast after blast of fire, never letting up. Somehow Hidan stood in the midst of the inferno laughing up a storm as his body burned.
"That's the spirit asshole! Never say die!" mocked Hidan.
Naruto leaped up high into the air, raising his arms up above his head as he created one massive ball of scorching hot fire.
"JUST FUCKING DIE!" roared Naruto as he unleashed the blast at Hidan, triggering a massive explosion.
"Holy shit..." muttered Shikamaru as he felt the raging heat from the explosion. The shock wave from the attack nearly knocked the exhausted ninja back onto his ass.
"Let's see you survive that." declared a smirking Naruto. The smirk was quickly wiped off his face as the smoke and debris from the explosion cleared to reveal Hidan, separated into several pieces, but still very much alive.
"Is that the best you can do?" gloated a smirking Hidan. The black threads of Kakuzu's mask made themselves known again as they were already at work stitching the jashinist back together.
Naruto trembled with anger, "What is this mockery!"
"I'm going to rip you into so many peaces, not even that shitty mask will be able to put you back together!" roared Naruto as he charged Hidan in a blaze of fury.
"What is he doing? He fighting too sloppy again..." muttered Shikamaru. "Dammit, I need more chakra! If I could bind him again until Naruto calmed down, we could figure something out."
Asuma appeared behind Kakashi, slicing away the black threads attempting to ensnare the copy nin from behind. The two had gotten pretty roughed up in a short period of time. The threads of Kakuzu just seemed to be endless, try to grab and stab them from all directions.
"You did hit a vital spot before, didn't you?" asked the dark haired jonin.
Kakashi shook his head, "No. At first I thought I did, but then his internal organs shifted. I hit nothing more than black threads."
"Great, they're two of a kind. Should have known." muttered Asuma
Kakashi frowned as he dodged a bundle of the threads trying to stab him, "He's not sitting back and tacking damage like his partner though. He has vitals, it's just a matter of hitting them amongst these damn threads. It doesn't help that any ranged attack he use seems to just absorb right into his body with no effect."
Deep within Amekagure an orange haired figure in Akatsuki robes sat outside a tall structure towering over the rest of the village.
"The preparations are complete." announced Itachi as he appeared next to the man.
"Very, well. I'll gather everyone up." he replied.
'Hidan, Kakuzu, report back to base immediately.'
"Hold on a minute, we're in the middle of something right now." responded Hidan.
'We're ready to seal the three-tails. Since we're sealing out of order, this takes precedence over whatever you're doing.'
"But, we've got-" Kakuzu cut him off.
"We've already seen what they've got to offer, Hidan. The time between now and when we come back won't make much of difference."
"Ah, fuck it! Fine let's go." groaned Hidan as he retrieved his scythe.
"We'll be back soon to finish this. Prepare yourselves." declared Kakuzu.
"Running and hiding like the cowards you are! I won't let you!" growled Naruto.
"We have more important matters to attend than you." responded Kakuzu.
"Sayonara motherfuckers!" shouted Hidan as the two vanished from sight. The moment they vanished, the long awaited back-up arrived on the scene. Chouji moved to the aid of his exhausted friend and gave him a food pill, while Ino started to mend the injuries sustained by Asuma and Kakashi.
"Son of a bitch..." grunted Naruto as he stumbled back over to Shikamaru and the others where he collapsed to his knees and coughed up some blood. "I can't believe this shit!"
The blond collapsed onto his back, wheezing heavily. Without the surge of rage and adrenaline from battle flooding his system, his previous injuries started catching up to him as his healing factor was all that had previously been holding him together. Ino quickly finished her work on Asuma's leg before shifting her attention over to Naruto.
Ino shook her head as she started diagnosing Naruto's injuries, "What the hell happened to you guys?"
"It was like fighting a damn zombie..." wheezed Shikamaru. "The troublesome bastard just wouldn't die..."
Asuma let out a sigh as he lit up a cigarette, "I know these guys are strong, but it's not like they were that strong. Those moves would have taking out some of the strongest opponents I can think of. What we just faced wasn't strength or skill, it was just pure insanity."
"How do you kill someone who can't be killed?" pondered Kakashi. "We better come up with something quick."
A/N: Oh no! They lost to the Zombie bros! I figured it would be more realistic, for the first round of this fight to go to Hidan and Kakuzu. The 'WTF! Why won't this guy die!' factor from facing these guys for the first time makes is pretty big. Especially with Hidan, but now that they've got some time to figure a few things out, the tables will turn.