In dedication to: Angela Mawson (the fan fiction queen)

A note about copyright – it's just for fun. Who would pay for this garbage? I know a lot of you fanatical Star Wars fans would like to kill me for this story, but to hell with you if you can't take a joke.


A chill ran down her spine, as she walked the halls of Detention Block 11338, and it dawned on Leia that the last place in the universe she wanted to be at the moment, was here. Yet, she had come, despite the strenuous objections of her father, Chancellor Anakin Skywalker, a desperate, dying man, determined to cling onto what he had, in these dark, tragic times.

However, despite his force-strength and his command of the Republic, Leia could not be deterred. Luke was her brother, her twin, and a bond like that transcends reason and logic, and nothing was going to get in the way of her saving him. Even if it meant coming face to face with the Dark Lord.

Eventually, Anakin's will bent beneath the ways of his daughter, and despite his great fear for her, he could never deny her. And now, here she was. Detention block 11338. She must be out of her mind.

"I can smell your buns." A monstrous creature with an ass for a face hissed as he thrashed convulsively in his cell, his eyes peeping over his ass-mouth, never Leaving Leia's presence.

"He doesn't like you." His cell-mate quipped ,with an expression of murderous drooling thirst, while managing to somehow look more hideous than the ass-face, despite his more human appearance. "I don't like you either. You just watch yourself…we have the death sentence on twelve systems."

"I'll be careful," Leia responded with a feign of bravery.

"You'll be dead!" the cell-mate screamed, tasting her fear in the air like the aroma of a fine Correllian perfume. As if in response to his cell- mate's rants, the ass –face began to thrash and howl against the bars, sending another shiver down the recesses of Leia's soul.

All this ugliness was too much, for Leia. Overwhelming. Although she had fancied herself one of the Leading officers of the Galactic Republic, she had never been enveloped by such darkness. And the worst was yet to come.

Get over it. Stay focused. Leia cursed herself, attempting to coat her fragility with the exo-skeleton of a hardened representative of authority, as she had in the academy for all these years. You've dealt with worse. Besides, you'll need your strength when you confront the Dark Lord.

"Are you alright, your highness?" The orderly asked, with an expression of sensitive concern. His smile was very warming, and for a moment, Leia had wished this was a social call. He was tall and lengthy, and once this was all over, she just might have to come back here, and make him perform his royal duties. Leia's face released a naughty smirk, and she buried the thought.

"Yes, Lando. I'm holding up. Thank you for your patience and support."

"The pleasure is mine, your worship." Lando smiled, then the smile faded into a somber scowl. "Here we are. Remember to stay outside the perimeter, and don't tell him anything personal about yourself. You don't want the Dark Master manipulating your thoughts."

The Dark Master. The Dark Lord. A true mystery to the Jedi Council. Never before had they encountered a Sith Lord so force-strong. Containing him in itself proved to be a dangerous affair.

When Leia entered the room, the Dark Lord was sitting across the room in laser shackles, behind a domed force-field, both applied for the purpose of nullifying his force-strength. His breathing was heavy and steady, filtered through the mechanics of a black mask on his head. Despite all the security, the mask was still necessary for the orderlies to deal with him. For even though the shackles restrained his force powers,, the Dark Lord was still very agile, and inclined to bite.

"Ah, a visitor." The Dark Lord spoke through his black death mask, his steady breathing haunting to listen to. "It would seem that the good chancellor has fancied me with the company of royalty, and his daughter no less. I must say that I'm intrigued. Please sit, dear Leia.

As Leia retreated to the seat just outside the perimeter, she wondered for a moment if this could be the right prisoner.

From the tales of his atrocities, Leia had heard as a young girl, she had fancied him to be a monstrous hulk of a beast – a giant juggernaut with the shoulders of a Gamorian guard. However, the figure before her sat in his shackles behind the dome, wearing a helmet which was clearly too large for him. It was, practically, half the size of his entire body.

As if reading her thoughts, the Dark Lord turned to the orderly and spoke, "Lando, would you be so kind as to remove this constricting helmet? It would be rude to consult our guest though such an impersonal device. Besides, I'm beginning to grow stiff."

"Very well," Lando conducted himself politely and respectfully. "But please remember sir, that if you breach the proper protocol in any way, the helmet will be replaced and left on indefinitely. And I know how you detest the way it constricts you. Are we in agreement"

"Understood , this is. Please proceed."

As Lando removed the helmet, two large reptilian ears unfolded and expanded in rejoice of their new-found freedom.

"Ahhhhhh…" the Dark Lord, Master Yoda , sighed with pleasure. "The room to stretch my ears is one of the few pleasures I see these days."

"I'll Leave him to you, your highness. Please remember the rules, and I'll be just outside in the corridor, if you need me."

"Thank you, Lando." Leia said.

"Yes, thank you, indeed." Yoda giggled, an unusual cackle that made the orderly think twice before Leaving.

A long silence followed, as Leia shifted uneasily in her chair while Yoda's dark eyes absorbed her. She was about to speak, when he broke the silence first:

"Tell me Leia, what did Pon Pontha, the rectum –faced alien in the next cell say to you just now? Don't lie to me or I'll know."

"He said: 'I can smell your buns'"

"You're very frank, Leia. I myself cannot. But you bathe with the ointment extract of a space dolphin. But not today."

"Master Yoda, I'm here to consult you about …"

"Ah, yes," Yoda interupted her in mid-speech. It's a pity about your brother, the chancellor's son. Tick- tock, tick- tock." Yoda's taunts enraged Leia. If the Republic was right, and the Jedi Killer had Luke, time was running out. "Listen you little…"

"Little? Judge me by my size, do you? Where you should not. Strong with the force with I. Once four Jedi tried to test me. I ate their livers with a Jawa spleen, sauteed in a nice Bantha sauce. Do you presume to test me, young Leia?"

"No, I'm sorry, it's just that I…"

"You want information on the Jedi killer, the one who starves and tortures Jedi before murdering them and Leaving their body parts arranged in goulish works of art. You believe the Jedi killer now holds your brother, and the time frame for starving his victims is rapidly approaching its end . Am I right?"


"I have the information you need, but nothing is for free, young Leia. First you must tell me something of your childhood. What is your worst memory of your childhood?"

Don't let him get in your head. "Master Yoda, there isn't any time for…"

"Ah, but Leia, you and I measure time in different ways, hmmm? Now is all the time you will have to save your brother. The clock is ticking. Now; your worst memory?"

Leia stood in indecision. He was right. She knew it. Time was running out for Luke, and Yoda was their only Lead. She had no choice but to satisfy the Dark Lord's sick desires to acquire the knowledge of her most deeply hidden pain. She took a deep breath and began….

"When I was 6, my parents went off to fight in the Clone Wars. I was sent to live with my Uncle own at a Wookie Ranch on Tattooine ."

"Did you stay with them?" The dark master grinned with delight, all the time his eyes never Leaving hers, sucking at her energy like a Baldorian Vampire.

"No…I ran away."

"You didn't just run away, Leia. What triggered you off?

"I awoke to here this terrible screaming. I ran past the moisture farm to the back stables and…

"They were slaughtering the spring Wookies? Harvesting their pelts?"

"Yes…" Leia's eyes began to tear up. Never before had she felt more hollow and exposed in front of anyone. The sinister creature on the other side of the force-field bore into her soul, and relished in her naked pain.

"Did you run away then?" The little green monster persisted.

"No… at first I tried to free them. I opened a gate for them to run, but they were to petrified from the screaming of the others to move. The screaming. Oh god, the screaming. It was the most horrible thing I've ever heard… I grabbed one of the babies and tried to run with him but he was heavy. So heavy….oh, God…"

Knowing the answer, Yoda asked with a bemused snaggle-tooth grin – "Did you get away?"

"No." Leia's voice was distant and stricken with pain. Her eyes and cheeks were red and drenched with tears.

"And your baby Wookie?

"They killed him."

"Every now and then you still awake to the screaming of the Wookies, don't you Leia?

"Yes," Leia croaked, choking back the tears, the buns of her hair beginning to unravel.

"And you think if you save your brother, that somewhere deep within, the Wookies will stop screaming?


Yoda sat back, and closed his eyes. "Thank you Leia."

Just then a tremor in the force began, and the building began to quake, when Leia realized how physically exhausted she had become. Then, the dawn of horrible revelation swept across he face as she realized the tragic mistake she had made. Yoda had used her. He wasn't just relishing in her pain, he was absorbing it. Absorbing it to make him strong- and to escape.

Just then, Yoda's eyes exploded in an inferno of fire as the laser shackles burst and frazzled out. Lando came running back into the room with a stun laser when Yoda sprang upon him and bit onto his nose. Lando thrashed in a mad frenzy as the monster continued to bite and tear at his face, its arms and feet clawing like talons as Lando bounced from wall to wall trying to free his face from the little green beast. Finally he was overcame, and collapsed onto the floor.

Through the entire duration, Leia, sapped of strength, could do little more than watch. Her last sight before passing out was that of the Dark Lord Yoda looking down upon her with his green face now red and blood drenched grinning that terrible grin, when he said:

"Fear not, dear, Leia, I always keep my bargains. I will bring you to your brother." Darkness soon followed.

When she awoke, Leia found herself tied to a spit over an unlit hibatchi.

"Ah, you have awakened , young one." Yoda began to cackle again, a sound so piercing, it could wake the dead. "You haven't been doing your homework, precious Leia, you poor misguided girl. Never is there only one Sith. Never is there many. Only two there are. Master and apprentice. Please allow me to introduce you to my you apprentice. The Jedi Killer. I believe the two of you already know each other."

Out from the shadows, stepped Luke Skywalker. "Hey, sis, nice of you to drop by. I'm so touched."

"You're the Jedi Killer?" Leia's eyes were wide with pained surprise. "Noooooooooooooooooooo! That's not true, that's IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! Noooooooooo!"

Leia's screams and sobs were suddenly cut off when Luke grabbed the hair at the back of her head and brought her face up to his.

"I always hated you." Luke glared ,with distain. "You were always daddy's little favorite with your overdone hair and your perfect skin. Oh, so perfect. I've always liked your skin myself. I think I'll make a suit…. But don't worry, we're dying to have you for dinner…" With that, Luke brought his lightsaber across Leia's throat, and began to peal her skin.

Later in the evening, Yoda complained of the "small tease" of a meal, and went to bed hungry. After he departed into his slumber, Luke began to sew.