Have you ever had a time in your life when you don't think things can get any worse? And then they get worse? Well that's the story of my life. Only, things can't possibly get any worse at this point.
I never thought I would commit suicide. I never thought I would commit suicide because of a boy. That's the problem, he wasn't just a boy. He, Edward…, was my other half. The reason I was put on this earth, and without him, I no longer belong here.
I think about him as I drive up the muddy path in my truck. I could hear the engine roar over the thunder and pouring rain. The weather only made this occasion more perfect. Dark and gloomy; it was just what I needed. It reflected the way I felt since he had left.
The path going up to the top of the cliff. It's lonely, and it whispers to me as I go. 'Stop Bella, please stop.' But I don't heed it's cries. Jacob told me the fall from the top was dangerous, and he had only ever gone off from halfway. My destination was the highest point on the cliff. I want to reach heaven when I jump. I want to know what it's like to be an angel. Only I wont have wings to save me.
I stopped my truck at the end of the road. It almost felt as if it was sad to see me go, that it would never hear from me again. It almost puts me to tears, because that truck makes me think of Jacob. I almost turn back as his name, but even Jacob can't fix me. And so I continue up the last few yards of the hill.
My pants are covered with mud and leaves, and my legs are heavy. I don't have the strength to move my feet anymore. I let myself fall to the ground. My arm lands on a rock and starts to bleed, though I don't care. I'm only inches from the edge of the cliff, I maneuver myself so that I can look over the side; so I can see where I'm going to die.
With much effort I lift my body to a standing position; blood is covering my entire left arm. It hurts, but it wont for long. I kick off my shoes and socks. It's freezing. Goosebumps cover me nearly head to toe. I can only imagine how cold it will be when I'm falling. But strangely, the thought makes me smile. I shiver as a cold wind makes itself known. It almost knocks me down. Almost.
Just like when James almost killed me .I would have welcomed death, had he been here now. I would have excepted it, cherished it. But life's not going to make it that easy. It's going to make me work for it, and so I will.
Enough is enough. The time is now, death is only a few seconds away if I want it to be. And oh, how I want it so bad.
The wind picks up a little as I position myself at the very edge of the rocks. Breathe Bella, for the last time. Just breathe, and all of your problems will be taken care of. All you have to do is jump.
As I hurdle down towards the water I allow myself to think of everyone one last time. Of Edward, of Jacob, of Charlie, of Alice. Everyone that I would miss. But nothing changes my mind.
I slam into the black waves and let myself be pulled under. Water is pouring into my lungs and I can't stay conscious much longer. Black splotches are clouding my vision as I begin to fade.
Then I wait. Where is heaven? Shouldn't I be there by now?
My chest hurts. It hurts so bad. Death isn't supposed to be this bad.
I open my eyes.
Everything is mixed with something else. After a few seconds my eyes focus and I can see clearly.
"Bella breathe. Please. I love you, please breathe." I thought you didn't have to breathe when you die. Do I?
Did Jake die too?
"Jacob.." I manage to whisper. It burns my throat. No more talking.
I black out again. This time I wake up in my truck.
'I'm still alive.' I thought. Anger flooded through my body. 'DAMNIT!' I can't do anything right! All I wanted was death and I can't even have that.'
"Hundred and nine degrees over here, if you're cold Bella." I look and see Jacob driving. I move over to him and wrap my arms around his waist. He's warm. And he's smiling. I love Jacob. Maybe life wouldn't be so bad with him around. Suicide sounds like such a silly idea as I breathe in his woodsy scent.
We continue to drive along the familiar roads of Forks. We turn onto main street and I know where we're going.
He drove me home. "Does Charlie know what I did?" I ask quietly and nervously.
He shook his head. "He's visiting Mrs. Clearwater. Harry died of a heart-attack this afternoon."
It was a good thing Jake saved me. Charlie would have been even more crushed than he is now. Poor Harry. Poor Sue. Poor Charlie.
I make to leave the car, but Jacob doesn't let me. He pulls me back.
"I smell a vampire," He spits out.
I look around to see if anyone was visible to me. The only thing different from when I left, was a car parked across the street from my house.
Was that a Mercedes?
Nobody around here could afford one of those…? Wait. Didn't Carlisle have one like that?
I looked closer to inspect the car, It was his.
All of the sudden the memories that I had been holding back came flooding back into the front of my mind. That was Carlisle's car. He was back. I had to see him.
I ran out the car door and sprinted up my front steps.
"Bella no! I Can't leave you here!"
"It's Carlisle Jake, I have to go!"
"I can't protect you here Bells, please come with me."
I shook my head and ran into my house. Tears were flooding down my cheeks. I hate making Jake upset. I needed this though. I flicked the light on.
I flung my arms around her and started crying even more so than before.
"Alice I'm so glad to see you!"
"Would you like to explain to me why you're still alive? Why on earth would you try and kill yourself!? Did you forget that I could see you? How do you think that would make me feel? What about Charlie!? What were you thinking!? Bella I can't believe you would do something like this…."
She started to trail off. When she came to a stop she looked at me so deeply I almost felt that she could see right through me, that she was seeing my real reasoning. I started to answer, but I had a shortness of breath.
Alice wrapped her arms around me and whispered "Bella it's okay. I'm here and it's okay." I breathed in her wonderful honey scent and it calmed me a little.
"Alice," I found my voice, "I thought it was what I wanted." This brought a fresh wave of tears, and I was crying so heavily that I couldn't breathe.
Alice took me into her arms and carried me upstairs and into my room. She placed me onto my bed and under the covers. I whimpered as she stood back up, so she laid down next to me. She sang to me. Her voice was so beautiful. I can't remember how long it took, but I eventually fell asleep.
I woke up and Alice wasn't next to me anymore. She wouldn't have left would she? I panicked. She wouldn't do that to me.
I slowly got up from my bed, careful not to move my wounded arm too much, or to over exert myself. My body was weak from yesterday, and I could hardly move. I carefully made my way out my room and to the top of the stairs. I could hear a noise from the kitchen, but my voice hurt and I couldn't speak. I tried to make my way down, but my foot slipped from under me and I fell the rest of the way down. I barely felt anything because I was so numb. But I knew something bad had happened, there was a horrible snapping noise when I hit the floor. I didn't know whether it was my leg, my arm, or my neck. All I knew was that I had been hurt, but I couldn't feel anything.
Alice and Charlie came rushing to me. Both of them looking panicked. I don't remember how, but the next thing I know is being in Charlie's cruiser with Alice supporting my head. We moved as fast as the car could go. Charlie kept looking back in the mirror to check on me, but I knew that it wasn't necessary. If I was dying, wouldn't Alice save me? Wouldn't she turn me? Edward may not want me, but wouldn't Alice?
Charlie parked the car outside the emergency lane at the hospital. He took me from Alice, though it was not needed; she would be able to support me easier than him, and they ran through the glass doors.
The nurses hurried around us as they placed me on a gurney and rushed me away from Alice and Charlie. I cried for them, but the nurses must not have heard me. Because neither of them were allowed to follow.
I woke up to the sound of machines beeping and monitors buzzing around me. My eyes wouldn't open right away, but I knew there was someone else in the room with me. It wasn't Charlie, I could smell the honey scent that only came from my favorite family. It was Alice.
I called for her in the smallest voice I could manage, though it still hurt my throat. Someone took my hand, but it wasn't Alice, these hands were much too big. They were smooth. Familiar.
"Alice called me. Bella, why'd you do it?" That voice. Could it be? I though he didn't care about me. It couldn't possibly be him. He hates me.
I opened my eyes, not caring whether or not they were ready to open. It hurt. I winced.
The cold hands held my face, and made my eyes feel better. It made everything feel better. I went to say something, but he stopped me.
"Bella honey, don't talk please. The nurse said your throat was inflamed, and it won't do any good to talk right now."
Why was he here? Why did he care now? I gave him a questioning look, and he seemed to realize why I wanted to talk to him. He knew that I didn't understand why he had come back. He got up from his seat next to my bed and went to look out the window. It was still raining. He seemed to be enjoying the view, he was smiling.
"Alice called me earlier today. She told me that you tried to kill yourself. She also said that while you were sleeping you kept mentioning my name, and you kept saying the word 'alone'. I didn't know what to make of this. Bella… How could you let one lie ruin your faith in me? When I said that I didn't love you it was the blackest form of blasphemy. I was about ready to come back and find you, I couldn't handle being without you Bella. I love you." He looked away from the rain and took his seat beside my bed again.
I went to say something again, but he stopped me.
"Shh. Just sleep love, I'll be here when you wake up. I promise." He sang me my lullaby, and I drifted right away.
When I woke up, there he was. Just as he said he would be. Though, at the moment, he wasn't what I was focused on. I could feel now. My entire body ached. It felt like I was on fire, I couldn't stand it. I let out a faint scream and I squirmed around under the sheets. He came over and held me still. He looked worried.
"Bella? Bella what's wrong?" He called the nurse and she came into the room a few minutes later. I couldn't tell what she was doing. It just hurt so bad, why wouldn't they make it go away? I just don't want to feel anymore. After the nurse was done doing whatever she had been doing, I felt the pain in the lower half of my body die down a little bit. Though the pain I felt in my chest hadn't gone away. The nurse went over to talk to Edward, and then left the room. Why did she leave? I still hurt.
Edward came over to me and placed his hand over my heart, it helped the pain a little. It cooled it down. He kissed my forehead and we just sat. I could tell that he was really worried about me, he wouldn't leave my side for even a second.
After a few days in the hospital, my throat allowed me to talk again. Edward and I would have hour long conversations about nothing. He would talk about how much he had missed me, and how much he wanted to come back to me every day that he was gone. I let him do the majority of the talking, his voice helped me relax.
Charlie stopped by every now and then, he spent most of his time over at the Clearwater's though. He would have liked to spend every second with me, but the nurses told him that I would most likely make a full recovery and that Alice (Edward) would be in visiting me all the time. I convinced him to help with Sue. She needs him more than I do.
The burning in my chest didn't let up even slightly. The nurses were worried about me; which wasn't very soothing. They would come in to check on me about every half hour and I spent at least 20 hours of the day asleep. They kept assuring me that I was fine, but neither Edward nor I missed the worried looks they gave each other when they thought we weren't looking.
After three days of the nurses lying right to my face, I couldn't take it any longer. When a nurse named Claire came in, I decided it was time for the truth.
"Hey, um, are you sure that I'm going to be fine? My chest still hurts really bad and I'm tired all the time." Her eyes got wide as she looked at me. I could tell she wasn't going to lie to me again. I became nervous because she didn't answer right away. I looked over to Edward, I could see the worry on his face as he read her thoughts.
"Well Isabella, we think that your heart may be acting up a little. And we're not sure yet, but according to the information we have right now," She paused, "You might not make it."
Across the room, Edward's cell phone buzzed. He got up and walked to the back wall and answered. He was mumbling and I couldn't tell what he was saying. When he hung up he returned the phone to his pocket and turned around slowly.
"Excuse me Claire, may I please have a moment alone with Bella?" The nurse nodded and left the room. He didn't respond immediately when she left.
"Edward who was that?" When I asked, he ran to me and grabbed my face between his hands. He kissed me for the longest time. He didn't let me go.
"Edward?" I whispered to him. He got up from bending over me.
"Bella. Bella. Bella." He was pacing around the room, almost pulling out his hair. I wanted to know what was going on.
"Edward. What's wrong?" I asked him with a demanding tone.
He turned to me and sat down in his chair beside the bed. He took my hands and kissed my palms. He didn't answer for a while, but I knew that he was going to.
"Bella, that was Alice. She…Um…She just told me…that you weren't…going to um, well…She just told me that you aren't going to make it."
I didn't quite know how to answer to that. Alice had seen me die, and she called Edward. And now Edward was worrying and telling me. My mind was having a hard time wrapping itself around this.
"I don't know what to say." I didn't.
"Bella, I've already lived without you for so long. I can't do it again."