Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, Kingdom Hearts, Square Enix, Titanic, or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I'm sure I've missed a few things. Just know that I own NOTHING. D':
Warnings: Yaoi, crack, drunkenness, unseemly pubic hair, partial nudity, and Roxas pajamas.
Author's Note: Alright I know some of you are gonna be a bit miffed that I'm posting this piece of crap instead of updating my other stories, but this one has been in the works for a long time and it's for my darling Midnight Raining Down who contributed greatly to this story. If you'd like to see even more crack than what you see below, then check out her Kingdom Hearts stuff. I have had a hand in all three of her crack fics and highly recommend you check them out if you're feeling like you need a little more crack in your life (but prepare yourself, it's the kind of crack your momma warned you about).
This fic is pretty crackish itself and it resulted from a conversation I had with Midnight Raining Down. Don't ask how we came up with some of the stuff in here because even we don't know. If I've insulted your favorite character, don't worry because I'm pretty sure I've insulted everyone in this one. I promise that the newest chapters of Blush and Orgy XIII are in-progress so for now, this is what I give you. You have been warned.
Roxas was just innocently sitting on his bed, not doing anything particularly evil or sinister (for the time being). He was simply taking a moment to brood and contemplate his seemingly meaningless non-existence. Posing much like "The Thinker" in his black Organization cloak, Roxas sat in complete and utter silence, Kingdom Hearts shining eerily through the large window that made up much of the eastern wall of his ridiculously large room (complete with flat-screen TV).
Suddenly he sensed a disturbance. Looking up from his pensive position, Roxas was unsure of what he'd just heard, or felt, or whatever.
Apparently it was all in his head. Just one more thing to cut himself over later tonight. Shaking it off as nothing, the small blonde went back to his depressing pity party of one. He fell backwards onto his nondescript bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. He briefly recounted in his head the tale of acquiring his black and white checkered sheets that he'd picked out on a past shopping trip with Axel to Bed, Bath and Beyond. There really wasn't much to do in The World That Never Was; at least until Mansex decided to throw you a bone with a mission in some godforsaken world on the other side of the universe.
Seemingly out of nowhere, a low rumbling began from somewhere down the hallway. It grew ominously louder and louder until it was nearly upon Number XIII's door. It sounded nearly as thunderous and deafening as the stampedes of wildebeests in the Pride Lands. Roxas was bolt upright in seconds. "Oh hell no," he muttered bitterly as his door was suddenly flung wide open.
"Roxyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" sang Axel and Demyx in unison as they lead the pack of twelve pajama-clad Organization members into the dumbfounded blond's room. Roxas could only watch in horror as each and every one of his superiors tumbled into the room with various items such as ice cream, nail polish, movies, and pillows.
Roxas sighed as he placed his palm against his forehead. "Not again," he whined pathetically as Axel trotted over to his distressed lover, dressed in black pajamas that were covered in small pictures of… Roxas' face.
Axel sat down on the bed next to Roxas and quickly pulled the blond into his arms, petting his hair in a slow, sensual motion. "Aw come on Roxy, who doesn't enjoy a slumber party?" he cooed, failing to notice that the boy in his arms was absolutely livid. Roxas' rapidly twitching eye was barely visible behind Axel's lanky arms as they wound themselves tightly around their captive.
Roxas tried in vain to leap out of the overly affectionate redhead's unwelcome embrace and towards the exit, but Axel lunged after him, effectively pinning the boy to the floor with a big, toothy grin. Realizing that he had been defeated, Roxas' body went limp. With a face full of carpet, he mumbled something incoherent. He barely registered the sounds of the other Organization members setting up camp in various places around his spacious bedroom.
"What was that Roxy baby? I didn't quite catch that," Axel asked sweetly, nuzzling against the smaller boy's back as his arms gripped tightly around the tiny waist.
Roxas turned his head and gasped, finally able to breathe normally now that he was no longer being suffocated by the depressingly off-white carpeting. He looked back at his captor and glared. "I said, I do not enjoy it when all of you come running into my room like this, expecting me to just bend over backwards for you all just because I'm the newest member!" he spat angrily.
Axel frowned. "Who else do you bend over backwards for, Roxy? You know how jealous I get."
Roxas turned back to face the carpet and repeatedly began banging his head against the floor as he mentally cursed his boyfriend's one-track mind.
"Hey Axel, stop molesting Roxas and come help me for a sec!" shouted Demyx from the other side of the room. He was trying to hook up his new boom box, but apparently was experiencing some technical difficulties. Well, water and electricity never did go well together. Hence Demyx's almost irrational fear of Larxene.
The dirty blond sitar player held the plug in one hand as his glances flitted between it and the outlet in the wall. Zexion was standing next to him, watching stiffly as the musician stuck his tongue out in concentration, still unsure of where exactly the plug was supposed to go.
"No, no! Don't worry, I've got this!" Demyx hurriedly announced to his impatient boyfriend. Zexion merely grimaced, trying his best to keep his calm as Number IX continued to be completely and utterly stumped by the power outlet.
Axel walked over to the two of them, carefully noticing the vein popping out on Zexion's forehead. "Uhh, what do you need me for Dem?" he asked Demyx cautiously, eyes stuck on the seething Schemer.
"Hold on Ax, I think… I think I've got this. Just… just gimme one more sec," the Melodious Nocturne answered between pauses, eyes still moving back and forth between his hand and the wall.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, JUST STICK IT IN!" Zexion screamed angrily at his positively dumbfounded boyfriend.
"Ha ha, *hic* that's whachoo said last night Zexy," Luxord slurred from the impromptu poker table he'd set up in front of Roxas' television. "I can totally hear you two when you're in Demy's room y'know."
Roxas groaned, finally gracing the unwelcome partygoers with his presence. "Are you drunk already, Luxord?"
The blonde man merely grinned and hiccupped. "Nope, but I will be soon," he replied happily, taking another deep swig from his pocket flask before passing it off clumsily to Larxene.
"If I'm gonna be trapped in a room with all of you fags for a whole night, I'm gonna need some hard liquor in my system," she said with a scowl before she finished off what was left of the small container.
Roxas inwardly agreed, though he'd never admit to ever agreeing with anything that bitch said. He couldn't help but think that this was a wonderful situation in which a pocket flask would be most welcome. He really should've taken up Luxord's offer when he'd offered his spare the other day– "AXEL!" Roxas screamed as wandering hands from somewhere behind him began to slowly unzip his Organization cloak.
The accused flame-wielder pulled Roxas back until he was flush against his chest, trapping the boy in a tight embrace and effectively pinning his arms to his sides. He leaned down to rest his chin on XIII's shoulder, speaking breathily into his ears. "C'mon Roxy it's a slumber party, you gotta wear your pjs. I just thought you might need a little help."
Squirming in his grasp until he was finally freed, Roxas spun around to face his lover. "I do not want to put any pjs on Axel because I do not condone these… surprise sleepovers that I am always unwillingly hosting!" he snapped, folding his arms over his slightly exposed chest and huffing angrily.
Axel's eyes, which had been glued to Roxas' slightly tanned chest shot up until they locked with blue irises. "Oh so you sleep naked? That's hot. I am so totally down with that, Roxas," he said excitedly, reaching for the boy.
"I did it, I figured it out!" Demyx shouted triumphantly, eyes misty with happiness. Sure enough, the boom box was now plugged in. But it was completely silent. "Now," Demyx said, turning around and tapping his foot as he looked down at the device. "How to turn it on."
"Oh for crying out loud," Zexion moaned before stepping forward and pushing the play button. Immediately the song "Under the Sea" came blaring through the speakers. Demyx jumped up and down happily while everybody else groaned. It was an unfortunately well-known fact throughout the Organization that Demyx had an obsessive liking of all things Disney and absolutely nothing else.
Demyx threw his arms around his vertically challenged lover. "Oh Zexy, you are truly the man of my dreams," he cooed, positively beaming as he planted a sloppy kiss on his slightly pink cheek.
"Alright ladies, the name of the game is strip poker. Who's in?" Luxord hiccupped.
"Like, that sounds totally sweet," Xigbar said, adjusting his eye patch as he came and sat down at the card table. Luxord rolled his eyes, lucid enough to be annoyed. The valley girl pirate act that Xigbar had been putting on for ages was getting really old.
"I suppose I'll join in," Vexen stated rather pompously before sitting down next to Xigbar. Only Marluxia saw the brief glint of desire that flashed through Xaldin's eyes.
"Me too," Larxene added, cheeks tinted slightly pink thanks to lovely, lovely alcohol.
The whole room groaned. "Fuck that. Nobody wants to see your nasty bits, Larxene," Axel whined. Larxene glared at him before throwing one electrically charged knife towards his cash and prizes.
Axel leapt to the side just in time. "Bitch! Do you have any idea how much I use that? Roxas would be completely devastated!" he hissed angrily.
"Actually maybe you'd finally leave me alone if someone shut off your libido," said keyblader answered. Axel chose not to hear him.
"Alright alright, anybody else in? Oh Lexaeus, sorry, didn't see you there," Luxord said. Lexaeus didn't shrug, didn't speak. Didn't do anything besides sit there and exist. Figures. That's about all he did anymore anyway.
"Right! Well then let's get started!" the blond gambler quipped happily, swaying slightly as he dealt the cards.
As the five of them began their risqué game of chance, Axel was still following Roxas around his room like a lost puppy.
"Roxaaaaaaaaaaas why do you keep running away from meeeeeee?" he whined, holding out his arms as he trailed after the blond.
"Because I'd like to go at least one day without you molesting me Axel," Roxas answered monotonously, walking away from the redhead dutifully.
Lunging forward and effectively grabbing the blond, Axel pulled him closer. "But Roxy, I can't help the way I feel about you," he cooed, nuzzling his face in his boyfriend's soft golden locks.
"We're nobodies, we can't feel," Roxas responded flatly.
Axel huffed and roughly turned the tiny blond so that they were both facing the couple standing by the window. "Why can't we have what they've got?" Axel whined, stomping his foot and pointing his finger at Xemnas and Saix as they stood together, basking in the calm light of Kingdom Hearts.
At that moment, "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" began playing in the background, courtesy of DJ Demyx.
Hands clasped as each looked searchingly into his lover's eyes, Xemnas and Saix completely blocked out everything that was not the other.
"The only heart that I want… is yours," Xemnas said meaningfully. Saix smiled longingly and squeezed their hands together before leaning up and engaging his boyfriend in a passionate kiss.
Roxas and Axel both stared wide-eyed at the couple as things began to get really hot really fast.
"We should probably… go…" Axel said slowly, forgetting the words the moment they'd left his lips. Saix was leaning heavily on Xemnas now as their make-out session was continuing to escalate rapidly.
Roxas nodded. "I can't… look away…" he stated dumbly as the two began to make animal noises before disappearing into a dark portal that one of them had apparently conjured up in the heat of the moment.
Shaking himself out of his stupor, Axel looked down at his hypnotized little blond. Roxas was still staring blankly ahead, mouth hung open slightly and a darkening blush coloring his cheeks.
"Roxy? Hellooooooo? Anyone home in there?" Axel asked repeatedly as he waved his hand in front of glazed over blue eyes. Concerned, Axel got down in front of Roxas and looked straight at him. It took a few seconds before the blond registered his presence and slowly looked down at him. "Roxas?" Axel asked cautiously.
In a whirlwind of lips and limbs, Roxas had lunged forward and met Axel in a crazy lust-filled kiss. He began to whimper and moan as he clawed at Axel's Roxas pajamas hungrily. Completely taken aback by the sudden action (but extremely turned-on), Axel was a bit slow on the uptake, but eagerly responded to the blond's assault once he'd regained himself. Roxas rolled his hips against Axel's and green eyes shot wide open. Axel pulled away from the passionate embrace and stared down at the boy's love drunk expression.
"Roxas, did you get a hard on from watching the two of them making out?" Axel asked cautiously. He could barely restrain his grin when Roxas nodded sheepishly. His little blond was a voyeur! Oh that was hot.
Roxas reached forward and grabbed Axel's collar roughly, bringing their lips crashing together again for a bruising kiss. "Shut up and fuck me," he murmured against his lover's panting mouth.
"Gladly," Axel growled possessively, picking the boy up and quickly making a portal to his room as Roxas wrapped his legs around his waist and began sucking harshly on his neck in all the right places.
Not noticing, or rather, not caring that two couples had now "mysteriously" vanished, the slumber party in Roxas' room continued on fine without Roxas. Marluxia grabbed Xaldin's hand and led him over to the sofa where he motioned for the dreadlocked male to sit on the floor in front of him. Obeying, Xaldin sat down and leaned against the couch while Marluxia began to work his fingers through his hair. "Now, let's see what we can do about this atrocious hairstyle of yours," the pink-haired man thought out loud.
"What's wrong with my hair? I rather like it," Xaldin said distractedly, eyes locked on Vexen as the game of strip poker progressed in front of him. Six hands out of the way, Larxene had lost a sock, Xigbar his eye patch, and Vexen was sitting there sans socks, shirt, and pants. Violet eyes hungrily raked up and down the pale back, vividly imagining going over there and tearing off the navy blue boxers complete with smiley face snowflakes.
"Oh no honey! This hair texture is too precious for you to put it in that hideous style you always put it in! I'm thinking more of a look that says, 'Look at me, I can be sexy too!' instead of 'Look at me, I will rape your children!'" the Assassin crooned as he tugged at the dirty nasty dreadlocks. Xaldin huffed and cursed under his breath, but let Marluxia work with his hair regardless.
Smiling happily that he finally had an opportunity to deal with this man's horrendous hair, Marluxia began to hum a chipper little tune to himself. Tonight was turning out great so far. He'd gotten to see two steamy man on man make-out sessions in the span of ten minutes, his lifelong goal of his non-life to beautify every member of the Organization was finally upon its most challenging victim, and he got to show off his brand new pink pajamas with the cute little ladybugs on them.
"What color do you want Zexy?" Demyx asked as he held his boyfriend's foot in his lap.
Zexion looked up from reading the dictionary and smiled down at his adorably dopey lover. "Whatever you think is best, dear," he responded before returning to his bit of light reading.
Demyx ran a finger over his vast collection of nail polish that he'd brought just for the occasion before selecting a steely blue that he thought would look just perfect on Zexion's cute little toes. Shaking the bottle vigorously, Demyx sang along to "Be Our Guest" as he gave his boyfriend a pedicure.
"This is like, soooooo ridiculous," Xigbar complained as he lost another round of strip poker. Dropping his lime green pajama bottoms, he was left in nothing but his skivvies. "Luxord you're a filthy cheater. You're still fully dressed y'scalawag."
Luxord hiccupped and grinned widely. "I admit it, I am the best goddamn… Go Fish player… of th' century!" He raised one finger and opened his mouth again to speak before falling backwards onto the floor and snoring loudly.
Larxene shook her head in reverence. "Well he's still got the accent. Either it's real or he's just that good," she said as she got up and headed to Roxas' kitchen to look for something to eat. "Who brought the shitload of ice cream?" she shouted back to the other Organization members.
"I did," Vexen answered before getting it up and following her into the kitchen. "Eat as much as you want, and put some damn pants on woman. I think the sight of your pubes sneaking out of your nasty little thong will plague me for the rest of my days."
"Penalties remain until dawn," a deep voice called from behind them. Larxene and Vexen whipped around in pure shock to the stoic form of Lexaeus still sitting at the poker table. He hadn't moved an inch since he'd apparently sat down at the table (though no one had seen him do that even). When Luxord had dealt him in he'd just sorta… sat there. And existed. And everyone had just sorta forgotten about him as the game progressed.
Sharing a worried glance, Larxene and Vexen just nodded. "O-okay," Vexen muttered, but Lexaeus said nothing. Did nothing. Nope, it looked like he had just gone back to existing again.
Snorting and waking himself up, Luxord stood and swayed precariously as he stumbled into the kitchen. "Where's Rosass? Does 'e 'ave any boooooooooze?" he slurred as he leaned heavily on Larxene. She gagged as he breathed laboriously into her face, filling her senses with his horrible breath before wedging his face between her breasts and humming happily.
"Probably getting his tight little ass pounded into Axel's mattress," Marluxia purred from the sofa. He was still running his fingers through Xaldin's hair, though it looked slightly less disgusting than it had before. He licked his lips slowly as he thought of the two of them, all sweaty and moaning as Roxas arched upward against Axel's glistening body, screaming as–
"Ugh, can't any of you keep it in your pants?" Larxene snapped as she shoved Luxord off of her. She stared disgustedly as Marluxia seemed trapped in his own dirty little fantasy while just below him, Xaldin was mercilessly undressing Vexen with his eyes. "This is gay, I'm outta here," the Savage Nymph said as she shoved the bumbling Brit off of her and went to retrieve her discarded clothes. She conjured up a portal and was gone.
Blowing softly on the freshly painted toes in front of them, Demyx chirped, "All done!" He walked over to his boom box and flipped off "A Whole New World" before standing up with a DVD case clenched tightly in his hand. "Who wants to watch Titanic?"
A few hours later Roxas and Axel came stumbling back into the room through a dark portal. Clothes greatly disheveled and identical grins plastered on their faces, they joined the teary-eyed group of nobodies that sat around the TV, watching as Leonardo DiCaprio sank to the bottom of the ocean. Demyx actually began to sob hysterically, causing Zexion to tenderly wrap his arms around him and rock the weeping musician back and forth soothingly.
"C'mon Dem, it's okay," Zexion cooed as he picked his lover up in a surprising feat of strength and summoned a portal to Demyx's bedroom.
Roxas slowly took inventory of those still left in his room. Luxord was snoring loudly on the floor; a line of drool trailing down from the side of his mouth was continuously contributing to the growing puddle that was now surrounding his head like some sort of sickening halo. Xaldin and Vexen had disappeared earlier… and strangely enough so had Marluxia. Roxas didn't want to think about that too long. Xigbar was texting someone on his phone, giggling to himself and swearing occasionally. It seemed that Xemnas, Saix, and Larxene had all retired for the night. Lexaeus? Yep, he was still existing, though it appeared that he had now moved to face the TV.
"Alright alright, everybody out! My Roxy needs his beauty sleep!" Axel shouted, clapping his hands loudly as he walked forward and shut off the movie.
"Wha?" Luxord muttered dumbly from the floor as he choked on the sea of saliva that had been forming in his mouth.
"I said out!" Axel asserted once more, ushering each of the stragglers out as they mumbled and grumbled out the door.
Once everyone had left, he sighed and turned around to Roxas. The blond was grinning as he walked up and slid his arms around his ridiculously thin lover. "Well aren't you sweet, getting rid of all of them for me," he cooed.
Axel looked down at him with a crooked smile. "Nah I just wanted them out so we could have our own slumber party," he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Roxas sighed and pushed himself off of his boyfriend's body. "Nope, you've already gotten yours for the night. I'm tired," he stated as he turned back towards his bed.
"Aww c'mon Roxas, please?" Axel pleaded as he followed his precious blond further into the room.
"C'mon Rox, I'll make you feel so good."
"Axel," Roxas said warningly.
"Okay fine. Same time tomorrow night then?" the redhead asked.
"Fuck no, have it in your own goddamn room for a change," Roxas answered shortly before shouldering out of his cloak and kicking off his shoes.
"Love you too Roxy," Axel said before blowing him a kiss and opening a portal to his own bedroom.
Roxas dropped his pants and kicked them off to the side before climbing in-between the sheets. He sighed loudly and lay there quietly, desperately trying to sleep. After about five minutes of tossing and turning he groaned angrily and rolled out of bed, opening a portal towards where he knew a grinning redhead would be eagerly awaiting him.