Did you ever wonder whether the X-Men mutants have their message boards where, safely hidden from flatscans, they can discuss the aspects of their lives pertaining to their mutation? Here is a record of a typical discussion coming from such a board. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own the Marvel universe, unfortunately. The characters created by me for this fic are the only aspect of the X-Men world which I can say I possess.
My beta: Moviemom44. I promise I won't ever try to force you to do beta reading for anything of scatological or sexual nature XD XD XD The image instilled into my head by your question about how Mike discovered his unusual power, made me giggle at the very thought of this for the next couple of days – my fertile imagination conjured up for me a very vivid image of a sufferer of a severe case of mental retardation sitting in a huge size toilet bowl and playing with his own poop to discover he's able to turn his feces into roses. This vision was dancing shamelessly in my head for at least two days until I finally managed to get rid of it XD
Mutant Message Board
(and its proud members: Cool_pheromone_dude, LikeCarrieWhite, Mutie1, Telepathic?Schizo?Annie, TheWarperGal, ScaredAndAlone, Mike18, OCDJoe, Remover and Bacterium)
Cool_pheromone_dude: Hi folks, I had no idea I would ever have an occasion to talk so freely about my mutation with anybody until I found my way into this cool place. So let me share my problem with you: do you have any tips on how to make ALL people not fall madly in love with me at first sight ALL THE TIME? I thought I could use some help from my fellow pheromone manipulators present here.
LikeCarrieWhite: Man, I'm not saying that isn't a tough situation, but I wish my problem was only that. Mine is much more serious. You see, my mutation is that my menstrual blood excretes some sort of compound, that if you get too close to it, it fires up your libido, regardless of your orientation. Imagine: me at 13 in the shower after the P.E. lesson and all those gals in the adjacent shower cabins. And then all of a sudden my first period started, just then and there, with all my classmates around… Well, let's maybe drop the curtain of silence on what happened there, you can easily guess that everything went completely crazy and I barely managed to avoid being expelled from school. Even right up until the very end of high school I was known as a major dyke. Everybody was pointing their fingers at me. I can't even go outside when I'm just having my time of the month. I have to be locked in my room because my whole family, even mom and little sis who is only 5 get affected by this. I can tell you all it's a real pain in the ass to be forced to barricade myself in my bedroom behind a specially made iron door for a couple of days every month, like now because… you know what may happen. OMG, I can hear banging on my door. Ooooh SHIT! I can hear something like ax strokes! See ya for now. I'll speak to you later… if I don't kill myself jumping of the window…
Mutie1: Maybe some teleporter could move their ass and try to localize this poor girl before her family and the rest of the town get her?
Telepathic?Schizo?Annie: I'd do it if I could but I'm only a telepath or at least that's what I hope I am… For the last couple of weeks, I keep hearing strange voices and I have no idea if that's telepathy or schizophrenia and I'm afraid to tell my parents about this.
TheWarperGal: Don't even think about telling them. Parents are useless when it comes to stuff like that, believe me on this. I'm an uberpowerful reality warper who created everything that surrounds me but the people I created to be my parents think I'm crazy. When I told them, they took me to a shrink and this pathetic fool told them I'm a schizo with delusions of grandeur. Imagine that! I need any advice on how to convince Mom and Dad that everything's OK with my head and that they aren't even real people??? Maybe I should get rid of them? Come on, it's not like they are even real human beings!
ScaredAndAlone: Girl, you are a godsend to me! I need another reality warper to help me! I'm a shy and unattractive teen who can never get a date so I decided to make a perfect girl for myself. But something has gone terribly wrong and now I'm left with an old wrinkled hag who in addition has tentacles between her legs! I tried to turn her into a cute hottie or at least make her disappear, but my powers don't work on her! My parents will be home in an hour. What should I do?
Mike18: My gran would help you. She can make anything she wants disappear; that's her power. But she's been locked in an asylum for years, ever since she got obsessed with the thought that she must do something important for the world and made some famous people she didn't like disappear. Oscar Zeta Acosta, Jimmy Hoffa, Joe Pichler. You know, Gran hated all those 'Beethoven' movies and started to pout when they showed one on TV. If you want, tell me what celebrities you wouldn't like to see any more and I'll deliver it to her the next time we visit her. I'd like to be like her but I'm afraid I'm only an ordinary human. A power would already have manifested in me if I were a mutant like my grandma. But I'm trying to find my power. Who knows? Maybe I'm a late bloomer…
ScaredAndAlone: Maybe your gran can make this creepy troll TheWarperGal disappear. I just sent her a private message, hoping she'd help me, but she explained she was only joking because her real power is only laying eggs! She said she lied about being able to warp reality because her lame powers made her feel inferior to those who are more powerful and what's more, this creep asked me whether I'd like to visit her. She proposed that she'd prepare a romantic dinner from her eggs for us! She's SICK!
Cool_pheromone_dude: Well, maybe making them disappear would be a bit too far reaching, they deserve a life even if they are so frigging DUMB and only flatscans. But did you ever wonder why some of them are such IDIOTS? I think someone of us must be controlling their minds and that's why.
Telepathic?Schizo?Annie: I don't believe this conspiracy theory. They are so stupid just by nature. Hmm, if what I have is telepathy not schizophrenia, then I'll do my best to learn to control my power and influence their minds. Artificial intelligence is better than natural stupidity.
OCDJoe: Aaaah, so my suspicions that all those telepathic freaks meddle with human heads are confirmed! And my shrink keeps telling me I just suffer from schizophrenia and OCD together! Now I know the truth, I'm going to contact the authorities about your board now, you gene jokes. FoH forever!
Remover: Nobody worry! It was only my cousin who is spending his school break with us. I forgot to close the site when I went out for a moment to the bathroom and he must have seen this then. I neutralized the bastard by removing his memories concerning this incident – but I also removed his memories on how to walk and talk, so when he comes back home his parents will have to learn how to deal with a fifteen year old BABY XD. I always use my power of deleting others' thoughts on those who piss me off, like my teachers.
Mutie1: We are grateful to you, but I think that was too extreme; you didn't need to be that cruel. And as for the idea of erasing the memory of your teachers – I'm dumbfounded. But I can't judge you too harshly – it would be ridiculous – disapproval from the guy who regularly uses his powers of shapeshifting to impersonate his math teacher. So far, this poor guy has already been brought up on charges of indecent exposure --twice--and been arrested four times for stealing women's underwear from a store. He's now famous in our whole town for admitting to everybody who will listen that he engages in bestiality with his dog. LOL! I don't even know if my teacher has a dog.
LikeCarrieWhite: Hello, guys, I'm back. I managed to jump out of my bedroom's window at the last moment. Luckily it wasn't my family; that would be just too creepy. Christ, I feel like a bitch in a heat. You would think I should have been used to strange stuff that happens to me every month because of my power, but no! What just happened to me was just way too weird even for my standards. You won't ever believe who was at the door--it was a zombie, a real zombie, surely from this cemetery near our house. No idea how he could be alive. No, I'm not on any drugs. You won't believe me, but I just had to share this with someone.
Bacterium: I can easily explain this to you. I live in your town and I was a lurker here for the last couple of weeks, but now I decided to take part in your discussion. My mutation is that my true form is a kind of living bacteria which needs hosts to survive. I stole a body from the graveyard which was still fresh enough to look human and not scare anybody and when I came too close to your house I felt something I never felt before. I just needed… you know. Sorry for scaring you.
Cool_pheromone_dude: I'd LOVE to have this power! You all know what I would do if I had it? I'm a big fan of that star who died a couple of months ago. If I were you, I would have possessed his body during his funeral, reviving him before the eyes of the gathered crowds. It would be sweet! It would be like at the funeral of Nicolae Carpathia from Left Behind. Yes, it would be fun. Who knows, maybe some new religion would hatch from this again?
ScaredAndAlone: If you mean that star I think you do, then let me tell you it would be a bad idea. Everybody would remember that video in which he pretended to be a zombie and think the zombie apocalypse was imminent. (As for me – I would willingly exchange a zombie for this old hag with tentacles who is still at my home.)
LikeCarrieWhite: Or you could just possess the Pope, controlling his mind to make him admit in public he's gay and an atheist. But hey, speaking of religions, did I tell you what kind of problem my best mutant buddy has? He has the ability to create duplicates of himself and uses them to have sex. But he is a Catholic so he has some pricks of conscience because of his religion. He doesn't know how to classify what he does – if it's incest or masturbation?
Bacterium: I think the days of my searching for new hosts are slowly getting near their end. Recently some woman I don't know, Selene Gallio contacted me, claiming she needed people just like me but she didn't want to reveal any details concerning the kind of the work I'd have to do for her. I'd accept her offer instantly if not for the fact that she doesn't seem to be quite in her right mind. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how old Selene told me she is, like 17, 000 years or something.
Remover: Oh, of course I have heard about this woman. Did she really tell you something that ridiculous? Poor Miss Gallio, she must have gone completely crazy, driven to despair by her boyfriend's death. Haven't you heard about this Wither guy who dated her? Recently he was found dead, all dried up, quite like someone sucked all his life energy out of him. It must have been some evil mutant who did it.
Mike18: Oooh, guys, you know what just happened? You know what? I just discovered my power! I can turn my feces into all kinds of flowers! I accidentally turned my poop into a rose. I finally found my power! Hooray!
Telepathic?Schizo?Annie: Well, congratulations on this. Now you really are one of us. What are you going to do with your power?
FecalMatterBoy (previously Mike18): Well, I'm going to produce some more roses and bring them to my grandma the next time I visit her. It will soften her up and make it easier for me to convince her to make you all disappear. I can't allow you all to live now that you know that my power is so… crappy.