Disclaimer: Really? I own Kingdom Hearts? That's news to me.
Hallo! It's Xero! I started this oneshot over the summer, but just finished it a few nights ago. And I was so busy trying to figure my new schedule out that I completely forgot to update! And I know this is an EXTREMELY overused idea, but I felt compelled to write this. ^_^ Let the deadly tale begin!
There are many who find shopping the worst thing in the world, myself being in this group of sad, sorry people. They do anything to avoid shopping for anything be it food or new couches. Then there are people who shop to the point of no return. These are the people who get a "thrill ride" just from buying a pack of gum or a bar of chocolate from the nearest grocery store and are absolutely ecstatic when they make a big buy like a thirty-two inch plasma-screen TV.
Can you guess which group the Organization is in?
Xemnas called the whole of Organization XIII into the Room Where Nothing Gathers, though he knew the Nobodies would complain to no end. That's all they ever do.
When he walked into the horrendously ivory room, Xemnas found Vexen and Marluxia playing Go Fish, Zexion reading a copy of Gravitation: Voice of Temptation, Axel listening to his iPod and Lexaeus break-dancing in his seat among other things.
"Why is it whenever I'm gone, you all decide to act as if you have ADHD?" Xemnas wondered, climbing the ladder to his ridiculously high chair.
"Because we can?" Xion and Roxas asked together.
"So what's going on, Superior?" Xaldin wondered.
"You all aren't going to like what I'm about to say…" Xemnas said.
"Then why are you telling us?" Larxene wondered.
"Because it involves everyone in the Organization." Xemnas replied.
"Superior…tell me it isn't…" Roxas' eyes grew wide with terror.
"Isn't what, Roxas?" Axel frowned, confused by his boyfriend's actions.
"We're going figure skating with wolverines?" Roxas was shaking quite horribly indeed.
"No, Roxas." Xemnas said.
"Calm down, Roxie." Axel said.
"So what are we doing?" Saïx wondered.
"We're going to Wal-Mart." Xemnas announced grimly.
As one, the Nobodies of Organization XIII groaned in protest. If you were part of the Organization, I'm sure you'd understand why they hated going shopping, too. Can you imagine Demyx running wild in the candy aisle? It wouldn't be pretty, let me tell you.
"Why, Superior?!" Xigbar wailed.
"Because we are in desperate need of food and will run out if Axel keeps eating like a horse." Xemnas sent a glare in the direction of the Flurry of Dancing Flames.
"I get hungry, okay?" Axel rolled his eyes.
"So when are we going?" Larxene wanted to get this over with.
"Right now." Xemnas said.
"Right now?!" Demyx protested.
"When else would we go?" Xemnas frowned.
"Never would be amazing." Vexen muttered under his breath.
"Can't we have time to prepare for this?" Demyx wondered.
"Let's just get this over with, Demyx." Roxas said, jumping down from his seat.
So without further ado, the motley crew that is Organization XIII boarded the usual abused school bus and headed for the atrocity that is Wal-Mart. Xigbar drove this time, and he went much faster than Vexen, who usually drove the bus, so they reached their destination in record time, but not without first hitting several deer and cows.
Upon their arrival, each member slouched off the bus and waited for Xemnas to make his usual speech about making this a quick trip. Somehow, though, the escapades usually last longer when he makes these speeches.
"Does everyone have their gift cards?" Xemnas asked.
This was a question he always asked before actually entering the store. There was a time when Luxord once forgot his gift card when he wanted to buy a copy of The Bourn Ultimatum. He then made Larxene, who was driving that particular time, drive all the way back to the World That Never Was so he could obtain said gift card.
"I think we're good, Superior." Xaldin said.
"So meet back in the electronics like always." Xemnas said. "If I hear that anyone has caused any sort of trouble, so help me, I will kill all of you."
"You say that every time, Superior, but you never actually do it." Xion said.
"I thought you were going to slaughter Axel for shooting the shotguns." Lexaeus pointed out.
"Just get going so we can go home." Xemnas said.
The Organization then split into multiple groups. Marluxia and Vexen went off to look at gardening supplies, Zexion and Demyx headed for books, Lexaeus, Xigbar and Xaldin went to find the weapons, Luxord headed for the game section and Larxene and Saïx went to look at the beauty supplies. Xemnas usually got the necessities like food and darts for the dartboard in the Lounge That Shouldn't Exist Anyway whilst Axel, Roxas and Xion took care of the entertainment. Everyone else simply got what they wanted or made Demyx go get it for them if they were feeling particularly lazy.
"So what are we getting this time?" Xion asked the blonde and redhead.
"I'm going to get the new Final Fantasy game." Axel grinned deviously, his arm wrapped around his boyfriend.
"Xigbar wants me to find the new seasons of Lost and House." Roxas said.
"Why doesn't he get it himself?" Axel narrowed his eyebrows, making the peridot eyes look even more angled.
"Because he's Xigbar?" Roxas shrugged. "Who knows?"
"Well, I, for one, am going to find the new Paramore cd." Xion answered. "Maybe look for a new Metallica album."
"Just get the Metallica from Lexaeus." Axel said when they reached the electronics section.
"Lexy listens to Metallica?" Roxas frowned, still attached to the pyro.
"Zexion got him into them." Axel shrugged. "What can I say?"
Speaking of Lexaeus, let's cut to the Silent Hero to see what he's up to.
Lexaeus was having a high and mighty time with Xigbar and Xaldin looking at weapons in general. It's not a smart idea to let Xigbar around weapons, just in case you haven't figured that out by now. The Silent Hero was a tad agitated because there weren't any swords and/or tomahawks in Wal-Mart.
"Well, why aren't there?!" Lexaeus complained to Xigbar. "They can have guns but not swords?"
"Because no one uses swords anymore, Lexaeus." Xaldin told V since Xigbar was too wrapped up in a sub-machine gun to pay attention to the Silent Hero.
"But swords are better than guns." Lexaeus said.
Lexaeus, you didn't just say that.
Xigbar and Lexaeus often had this argument: if swords or guns were better. It is their equivalent to the ninja/pirate argument. Whenever they were mad at each other, one of them always brought up the gun/sword argument. This debate always made them forget about the initial argument, though it was usually brought up later by someone in the Organization.
"They are not!" Xigbar wheeled around to glare at Lexaeus with his single eye.
"Are too!" Lexaeus snapped. "You don't need to reload swords, do you?"
"Ah, but you can shoot enemies from afar with a gun." Xigbar retorted.
"So what?" Lexaeus challenged.
"Oh, for the love of-" Xaldin started to say before he was cut off by Xigbar.
"I don't know about you, Lexaeus, but I sure as hell don't want to fight head-on in a battle." Xigbar said.
"It's better than cowering in fear behind a shrub or something." Lexaeus said, ignoring the growing number of people listening in on the argument.
"I'd rather die in a blaze of glory than cower behind a shrub!" Xigbar exclaimed.
"You wouldn't die in a blaze of glory, Xiggy." Lexaeus said. "You'd just fade into sandy blackness like the rest of us."
"Oh, what do you know?" Xigbar rolled his eye.
"Um, it's pretty much a given fact that Nobodies fade, Xigbar." Xaldin interrupted the conversation.
"Shut up!" Lexaeus and Xigbar yelled.
"We weren't talking to you!" Xigbar snapped.
Xaldin sighed and fell silent. He knew what happened to Lexaeus when he was in a bad mood and he was determined not to let that happen.
In another part of the store, Zexion and Demyx were looking at the books. Maybe I should say Zexion. The Melodious Nocturne was practically bouncing off the walls because Luxord had decided to give the sitarist a piece of candy.
I needn't mention that this isn't a good thing.
And so, the end result of this random act of insanity was Zexion trying to read the summary of Emma whilst Demyx jumped in circles singing Gay Boyfriend at the top of his lungs.
"Why are you singing, Demyx?" Zexion didn't look at his hyperactive boyfriend. "And why that song in particular?"
"I listened to it on the way here." Demyx said. "And because I'm with you."
"You think of Gay Boyfriend when you're around me?" Zexion was obviously puzzled by IX's words. "And why is that?"
"Because you're my boyfriend, silly." Demyx jumped on Zexion's back.
"Can you not be so hyper in public places, Dem?" Zexion put down Emma and found a copy of Grimm's Faerie Tales instead. "I know Luxord gave you sugar, but you could control it."
"But I don't wanna!" Demyx was, for some reason, acting a lot like a little kid.
"Stop whining." Zexion ordered. "You sound like a little kid."
A strange techno song could be heard, meaning that Zexion's cell phone was ringing. Checking the caller ID, Zexion sighed and answered the call.
"What is it, Larxene?" Zexion wondered.
"Have you see Luxord?" came the reply from the Savage Nymph.
"Should I have?" Zexion frowned. "Why, can't you find him?"
"Well, why do you think I'm calling?" Larxene wondered.
"He was going to find the game stuff." Zexion said. "Did you try Roxas, Axel or Xion?"
"I called Roxas and he said they haven't seen him." Larxene said. "Saïx said that Xemnas said that he wants to get going soon."
"Okay, Dem and I will look for him." Zexion said. "I'll call you if we find him."
"What'd Larxy want?" Demyx asked as the Cloaked Schemer put his phone back in his pocket.
"She'd kill you if she heard you call her that, Demyx." Zexion said, taking the Melodious Nocturne by the hand and pulling him away from the books.
"But what did she want?" Demyx wondered.
"If we've seen Luxord." Zexion said.
"Wasn't he supposed to be with Marluxia and Vexen?" Demyx frowned.
"No, he went off by himself, remember?" Zexion rolled his eyes at his boyfriend's incredibly short attention span.
"No…" Demyx said.
"You need to remember more, honey." Zexion rolled his eyes.
"But where are we going to look for him?" Demyx wondered as they passed the section dedicated to arts and crafts.
"We're not looking for him just yet." Zexion said.
"Then what are we doing?!" A very confused Demyx exclaimed.
"We're finding Roxas, Axel and Xion and telling them to be on the lookout." Zexion said.
"But why would they be on the lookout?" Demyx asked.
"For Luxord, Demyx!" Zexion smacked Demyx upside the head. "Can't you remember anything at all?"
"Not when I'm on a sugar high!" Demyx trilled.
"Just my luck." Zexion rolled his eyes and dragged the sitarist through the store.
Back in the gardening section, Marluxia and Vexen were having a very amusing time looking at the plants. Well, maybe I should say Marluxia was. The Chilly Academic was annoyed that Wal-Mart didn't have any highly flammable chemicals like nitro-glycerine or uranium.
Well, Vexen, it's Wal-Mart. What did you expect?
"Can you help me look for a bag of tulip bulbs?" Marluxia asked the peeved Nobody.
"Can't you go without plants, Marluxia?" Vexen asked his boyfriend.
"That's like asking Xigbar to give up his gun." Marluxia raised an eyebrow.
"That freaking gun otaku." Vexen muttered under his breath.
"Just find the tulips, honey." Marluxia said. "I'll look for the Nasturtiums."
"Why do I have to have a plant nerd for a boyfriend...?" Vexen scowled as he went off in search of the plant.
"I heard that, Vexen." Marluxia said from afar.
At that moment, Demyx came dashing into the area, a panicked look across his face.
"What's wrong, Demyx?" Vexen asked.
"Vexen, do you know what a tampon is?" Demyx asked.
"Say what?" Marluxia looked at IX with a curious expression.
"Demyx, why do you need to know what a tampon is?" Vexen asked.
"I was meant to get some for Larxene, but I don't even know what they are!" Demyx yelped, causing several people to look in his direction.
"Well, Demyx, it's something a woman shoves up her-" Marluxia started to say.
"Stop it!" Demyx screeched, covering his ears with his hands. "I don't want to hear any more!"
"Well, you now know what a tampon is, Demyx." Vexen said.
"Oh, and Saïx said that we're meant to go back to the bus." Demyx said.
"But I don't have my tulips yet!" Marluxia protested.
"Oh, you'll be fine." Vexen grabbed his boyfriend and dragged him away from the plant section of the store and off to the bus.
When the three Nobodies reached the Bus Of Gargantuan Proportions, they found quite a sight before them. The rest of the Organization was there waiting for them. Behind the bus was a giant pile of objects that included a seventy-two inch plasma screen TV, a book case, a pile of NERF guns, a drum set that probably belonged to Axel, and a sewing machine.
"Axel, why did you get another drum set?" Vexen demanded.
"All the more to annoy you, my Vexen." Axel said, smiling.
"He's mine, Axel." Marluxia grabbed his boyfriend.
"Who got the giant TV, ay?" Axel asked the group at large.
"The Superior." Saïx replied.
"And why do we need one?" Larxene wondered.
"Xigbar shot the TV playing Assassin's Creed." Xaldin said.
"It was an accident, okay?" Xigbar exclaimed.
"Let's get going, people!" Xemnas yelled.
At that point, the Epic Loading Of The Bus commenced, followed by Xigbar driving the bus home at speeds that could easily out race a NASCAR driver. Then the classic Unloading Of The Bus started, an event that took nearly a quarter of an hour.
"This is ridiculous." Roxas said after he and Axel helped Zexion set up the TV in the Game Room.
"You're telling me." Axel nodded in agreement.
"Axel, I don't want to have to do this again." Roxas said, cerulean eyes on his boyfriend. "I hate Wal-Mart trips."
"Unfortunately, Roxas," Axel said grimly, "we will."
My friend tells me that I need to stop writing crack!fics. Ah well. I'm currently trying to figure out a way to cosplay as Tifa Lockheart from FFVII without actually having to buy a costume because my mum won't buy one for me. Any help would be appreciated! Let me know if anyone wants anything written. I'll write just about anything. Just PM me and we'll work it out. Reviews equal love! Xero out!