Title: "The Professor's Dilemma"
Author: Pirate Turner
Rating: R for nudity and sexual references
Summary: Their Professor's scream awakens the X-Men in the middle of the night.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Warped Humor, Slight Het, Hinted Slash
Challenge: None
Word Count (excluding heading): 662
Feedback: Yes, please!
Archive: WWOMB, -- Anybody else, ask, and I'll probably grant permission.
Disclaimer: Professor Charles Francis "Professor X" Xavier, Jubilation "Jubilee" Lee, Scott "Cyclops" Summers, Jean Grey-Summers, Logan/Wolverine, Ororo "Storm" Munroe, Doctor Henry "Hank" "Beast" McCoy, Robert "Bobby" "Iceman" Drake, Remy "Gambit" LeBeau, Rogue, and the X-Men are & TM Marvel comics and Disney, not the author, and are used without permission. Everything else is & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.

The grand mansion's occupants slept soundly when a sudden cry broke the air. "YEOW!" Amongst the many pairs of eyes that flashed open were a set of baby blues belonging to a young Japanese American. Jubilee sat straight up in bed, her eyes wide. "What the -- ?!" she cried. Since when did Professor Xavier try to do James Brown, especially -- she glanced at the clock she kept on her bedside table (well, where she tried to keep it when she wasn't throwing it against the wall, banging it with her pillow, or shooting it sparks) -- at three o'clock in the morning?!

Something had to be wrong! Jubilee threw her covers off and ran for the Professor's rooms. She was passed by several of the older X-Men, many already in costume and with weapons at hand. She glanced quickly away when she saw Wolverine running with only his boots on and claws extended. She made a face. That was not a sight she ever wanted to see again!

When she reached the area where the team was gathering outside the Professor's door, she heard Cyclops asking questions in concern, his fist laying still against the wood of the door. "Are you sure you're all right, Professor?!"

"Yes, my son," came the Professor's reassuring but embarrassed voice. "Again it was merely the porcelain."

"You know, Sir, I could heat up the toilet for you before you use it."

Jubilee, and several of the other females gathered, giggled.

"I appreciate the offer, Scott, but I must decline. Your optic blast would melt the toilet."

"I could control it!" Scott persisted, pouting.

Jean spoke up from her place beside her husband. "With your permission, Professor, I could give you a mental suggestion that the toilet was warm."

"Jean, really, that is not necessary," came Charles' straining voice in response. "I am fine. You may all return to bed."

"Yes, sir, but just so that you are aware that I am attempting to provide a solution to your predicament," Beast spoke, "allow me to confide in you that I am devoting a considerable accumulate of my hours spent in my laboratory to searching for a way to warm the commode in time for your necessities."

Some of the gathered mutants looked at Beast in shock. Several rolled their eyes. Others laughed. Bobby, who stood beside his best friend, just shook his head and grinned back at those who stared in disbelief.

"Ya could just a hole, Chuck," Logan suggested. "That's what I do."

"Logan!" Ororo admonished, clearly shocked.

"He'd still have t' use de ground, mon ami, an' it's too blasted cold out dere." Gambit shivered at the mere thought of going outside and wrapped his brown trench coat closer around him. He looked over at Rogue. "Man sure could use some warmin' up when de snow's piled up so high outside."

"Ah'd be happy to warm the Professah up," Rogue told him, grinning. Mischief sparkled in her emerald eyes.

"I wan't talk' 'bout de Professor, chere," Gambit muttered.

"Ah know, shugah," Rogue replied with a smile. "Ah'm just tryin' ta be nice. It's too early for me to shoot ya down hard."

Jubilee blushed as she heard Gambit mutter about something else that was always hard and never got any help.

Charles' voice came through the door again. "Could I get some privacy here," he asked, "pleeease?"

Again her team mates started to talk, and Jubilee rolled her eyes. "Let the man shitt in peace already!"

Several jaws dropped open. Many more eyes looked at her in shock. She shrugged. "What? Ya're all talkin' 'bout it, but I can't call it what it is?" Shaking her own head in disbelief, Jubilee turned around and trudged back down the hallway, her pink bunny slippers slapping the floor with irritated sounds.

"Girl's got a point," Logan muttered and trailed behind her. One by one the remaining X-Men followed until only Scott was left at the door.

"Scott?" Charles asked after a minute.

"Yes, sir?" he eagerly answered.

"Go to bed."

The End