Credit for inspiration goes to Di T's "Letters" and a scene in Pat Foley's "Red Retriever Affair", both on File 40 in the gen section, as well as to a meme that was going around my LJ flist in mid-December.


Dear St Nicholas,

I have been a very good UNCLE agent this year. Napoleon and I have prevented five genocides, directly saved nineteen innocent lives (only seven of which were endangered by our own actions), captured 34 gloating megalomaniacs (29 of them Thrush), and recovered or neutralized three and one-half doomsday weapons. (The one that went off only destroyed the satrap under which it was concealed... I think that is what Mr Waverly calls "acceptable breakage".)

I have also kept secrets under torture 22 times - 23 if you count the time Napoleon stole my pants in the locker room to make me tell where Heather McNabb hid his birthday present. I have disposed of nine corpses fallen from great heights while Napoleon comforted the innocent, and on the three occasions when a young lady preferred my company, I did not behave like Napoleon (even if she wanted me to).

I have not deliberately scared Napoleon with my driving... all right, once, but he deserved it. I have not misused my scientific knowledge, my Special, or my expense account. (The tin of shoe polish was a work-related expense; UNCLE should not be subject to ridicule just because I am captured wearing shabby shoes.) And I bought Napoleon a very nice Christmas present, even though he should not have forced me to go shopping since I am a Communist in good standing and do not officially celebrate Christmas.

As my Christmas gift, I would appreciate one year in which neither I nor Napoleon is tortured, brainwashed, or otherwise damaged by our work. If this is not available, I would happily settle for one in which we are not killed or permanently incapacitated. Exploding shoelaces would also be nice.

Yours sincerely,
Illya N. Kuryakin
No. 2 Section 2
UNCLE New York