Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: Just a bit of fun.
Sandra Cunningham pulled the book off the shelf and slammed it on the kitchen table in front of her husband.
"Okay, smart ass. If you can do it you go right ahead." She looked at him defiantly, tapping her foot and smirking at him.
"Sandy, come on. I said most books, but there are seven with the same characters. That's a whole different thing."
"We don't need all of them. Just enough to get it right," she said with her lip, trembling in anticipation. "I have questions I need answered."
"Sandy, it don't work that way… they are not real." He ran his hand through his hair and sighed in that exasperated tone that drove Sandra mad.
"So, you won't do this for me?"
"Well… get the rest and stack them in a pile, just don't blame me when it don't work," he grumbled tersely.
She ran and got the rest of the books, stacked them in order of publication, then sat down opposite Frank, waiting quietly while he stared at the books, finally sighing and pulling out his wand. "How many do you need?"
"I don't know," she admitted. "The story is about Harry, so I imagine Ronald, Hermione, and don't forget Ginny. Even if people don't like her she should be here. You know… forget Ronald. I don't like him either."
"I don't know, but whenever I use him in a story no one likes it. Just last week I got reviewers saying they hated Ronald and Hermione together in a story, and then threatened never to read my stories again if I insisted on pairing them together."
"I thought they were together."
"Goose…that doesn't matter. Readers only want things canon if it is their take on canon. They don't care what really happened."
"Good grief," he muttered. "What about the dead guy?"
"The old one, the one that fell, you know."
"Dumbledore, and he didn't fall, Snape killed him."
"You want him too?"
"Yeah, and maybe Draco, but… I think that's it…unless you can think of someone."
"I don't know," he said as he stood up and backed away from the table, closing his eyes and saying an incantation. "I'd like to see that Bella chick."
"How long does it take?" Sandra asked, lifting her eyebrow thinking of him liking who in fanon was a sexy witch.
Frank opened his eyes and looked at the books. "I don't think…"
Frank and Sandy looked at each other then scrambled to the doorway, shouldering each other out of the way, and looking into the living room.
"It worked," she grinned up at Frank. "But I told you not to bring Ronald."
"Madam, I cannot tell you how pleased I am for you. Now put me back!" Professor Snape said coldly.
"Shut up, Snape," Harry grinned. "We haven't been out for a while."
"Speak for yourself. I, on the other hand, am constantly dragged out by lonely woman looking for some misunderstood man to coddle. At least I am glad to see this is not another teenage sex fantasy."
Hermione snorted and put her hand over her mouth. "Sorry Professor, I just find it funny they would…you know… with you."
"Come on Hermione, we should get back." Ronald grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the books.
"No," Sandy yelled. "Please, I have so many questions."
"My, dear," Dumbledore said. "We really must hurry back. If someone turns the page and we are not there it would be most unwise."
"But, we want to know about you. We have so many questions."
"Professor Snape, have you killed anyone?"
Snape looked at Dumbledore and blinked. "Him."
"Before that, when you were a death eater?"
"Madam, how would I know that?"
"Well, you… you…"
"I know nothing more then you."
"Did you really love Lily?"
Professor Snape looked at her flatly. "Madam, in case you have not noticed we are not real. We do not have the necessary equipment."
"What?" Sandy gasped in horror.
"Fine, I will double check on that and have the next printing updated." He rolled his eyes at the ceiling.
"She wants to know if you shag," Ronald laughed. "Do you?"
"You better not be," Hermione scowled at Ronald. "However, she does make a good point. Do you have your bits?"
Ron swallowed hard and looked at Harry for help, who just shrugged his shoulders and looked sheepishly at Ginny.
"We must, the last chapter said we had kids," Ginny whispered and smiled sweetly.
"Yeah, but it didn't say we gave birth to them, only that we had them," Hermione said stiffly. "The readers don't think I could have sex with Ronald so there must be some spell or something we use."
"What fun would that be?" Ronald frowned.
Sandy looked at the blonde haired young man leaning against the wall, arrogantly inspecting his fingernails. "You must be Draco. I just read a story about you and Harry."
"Me?" Harry joined them and looked at Sandy innocently.
"Yeah, you two were having an affair and when Ginny found out…"
"An affair with him?" Draco sneered and pointed to the chosen one. "Am I gay? Okay, so I wasn't in every chapter, but I think I would remember that part."
"I don't think so," Draco blanched. "You see, we don't… or at least I don't read the parts about the other people and according to the books none of us had sex. Maybe the git is correct."
"Quite righ." Minerva pushed her way in from the kitchen. "Nor do we do anything in the loo except... perhaps walk to it."
"Harry? You have the biggest part." Draco looked at him, turning a little green.
"Okay, now Hermione," Sandy smiled. "What kind of work to you do when you leave school?"
"Work? Oh, I think I work at the Ministry," she squeaked. "I… I don't know. Oh,…wait, we just said I got some kids from some place. Does that count?"
"Madam, I demand to be sent back. It is … not comfortable here," Snape demanded.
"Would you like some tea?"
"You are a right funny Muggle," Ronald laughed. "We can't drink tea, shag, eat… well, not really anyway, just pretend we do. Bloody hell… we can only do what the book says we do and then not really. It 's not like we can just scamper off the pages and run amuck."
"You, Mr. Weasley, run amuck in the book," Snape intoned. "Madam, let me clear this up for you. I, Severus Snape was given birth at the age of thirty-three. Certain events transpired that then necessitated the author to … to give me certain memories and to manipulate me in such a way as make her story logical …. follow a certain sequence as it is. I am not real. I do not wish to be real, and I shall never be real."
"But, but…. Your character... it was…. wonderful."
"My dear, perhaps you should reread the entirety. I am a flat, one-dimensional egotistical bastard, seen through the eyes of undisciplined teenage hooligans. Unless you have a father fixation, you cannot possibly find a character in what she wrote of me. True, she tried to save the ending she had written herself into, and by doing so confused the issue, but the fact remains it is fiction."
"He's right you know," Harry agreed. "And Hermione had to be the smart one because her being Muggle born and with Ron being born into a wizard family, and me being the chosen one, she needed a reason to be important enough for us to like her. She really is rather bossy and if you haven't noticed, no one else likes her much."
Sandy looked around the room and saw the nods of agreement. "What about him?" She pointed at Draco.
"We don't like him either," Harry said blankly.
"Listen," Sandy said impatiently. "How can you not know your past?"
"My parents were dentists." Hermione said. "Yes, I am sure of it. There was a rather large part about my teeth."
"My dear," Dumbledore peered over his glasses. "I see you are confused. Would you care for a lemon drop? I find quiet meditation resolves many issues."
"I… I thought you would be able to explain things," she said sadly.
"Joy, we are trapped until she figures us out," Snape groaned. "This is where is starts going badly. I have stopped counting the times middle aged housewives have tried to figure me out by insisting I am a sexy misunderstood kind… kind… Death Eater that would not hurt a fly."
"My dear, when you figure out why that… that awful writer wrote children's books full of abused children, evil wizards, murder, dark spells, and the torture of children you let me know. Teachers carving words into student's hands, indeed! Stuff and foolishness if you ask me. I am surprised children were allowed to read them," Minerva huffed.
"Agreed my dear," Dumbledore patted her hand, chuckling. "And to think that Death Eaters are now thought of as kindly lovers."
"Kindly?" Draco asked smiling.
"I am treated kindly, more than kindly" Snape said with a smirk. "She just said I did not kill anyone. Well, once…but that seems to have been forgiven. They must not have liked you old man."
"How come I was told I had to kill the old fart to join the club but you didn't have to kill anyone when you joined?" Draco questioned.
"Because I am the sexy misunderstood love god who apparently Muggle woman throw themselves at," Snape said arrogantly then raised his eyebrow and looked over Sandra's body.
"Oh my gracious," Minerva huffed. "I am leaving. Ginny? Are you coming with me?"
The thin girl nodded her head and stood.
"She doesn't talk much," Harry offered as Ginny stood stiffly. "I think they cut her part, had to fit the books into certain word lengths you know."
"Wait," Sandy yelled. "Where… where do you go when you leave here?"
"Go?" Harry looked at the others. "What do you mean where do we go?"
Ronald shrugged and shoved his hands in his pocket. "I like the chess game in the first book. Sometimes I just sit around on the Knight and wait for someone to turn to that page."
Snape looked at Dumbledore and frowned. "Where do we go? Didn't we die?"
"Yes, my boy, but I have heard that most of these Muggles want to redo the final book."
"If I do not die who is the hero?"
"Hero? I am the hero, you never were." Harry looked around confused. "I mean, come on guys, we were all in the same books. It was all about me."
Sandy felt her eyes begin to tear. "I thought you would like coming here. Especially you, Snape. You never had any friends."
"Good." He looked out of the corner of his eye at Dumbledore and whispered to him, "I clearly remember at least three pages that mention my friends. What happened to them?"
"She never put any in the book, word count you know," Dumbledore sighed. "It also appears the readers skim over the parts they don't want. They prefer to think of you as a misunderstood youth. One that was sorely lacking in friends, albeit a wonderful person."
Snape pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly. "Madam, if you are done with us we will leave now."
"Lighten up, Snape," Frank put his arm around his wife as she sniffled her sobs. "Don't you ever joke? She just wanted to…to see you guys happy."
Snape looked at Frank flatly. "I was the Death Eater. Death Eaters don't joke nor are they happy."
"No," Hermione said primly. "He never did. I have been in all the editions, even the American one that had the different grammar and spellings, and he did not joke."
Draco sniggered at her. "Bellatrix was happy."
"Yes," Hermione agreed. "But we chosen were not allowed to play with her."
"I must leave," Draco said self importantly. "When I left there were ten people getting close to my role in the 6th book. They don't want to miss me."
"Oh shut up, Draco," Harry quipped. "You don't get any fan mail anyway."
"I get reviews every time I write about him," Sandy said in defence. "Of course, the chapters that he has sex with you or Ronald do the best."
Harry looked green as he grabbed Draco's sleeve and dragged him out to the kitchen with the rest.
"Shut up ferret." Harry pushed Draco towards the books, then with a quick step and a sharp turn, disappeared with the rest.
"That's not what I expected at all," Sandy said sadly.
"I know." Her husband wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "Just think of it this way. No one really cares if you get it right, and anyway, how are they to know?"