A Change of Heart, a Homestar Runner fanfic(tion)
Chapter One: The Fatal Decision
Hold on! Let me just type the standard disclaimer. Here I go. Homestar Runner and all related characters are property of the Super Chappio Bros., Mike and Matt.
All right. Here we go again.
The sun rises on a new day in Free Country, USA. First illuminated is the King of Town's castle, The Poopsmith still shoveling away at his gargantuan pile of the ol' No. 2. Marzipan's house is next, with Coach Z standing in the bushes, bags under his circular eyes after a full night of attempting to serenade 'The Only Girl' with his 'freestyling'. The proprietor of Bubs' Conces5ion Stand returns to his shift after another overnight course at Disco Tech. Nearby, Homsar floats eerily around The Stick, gargling something about his 'Yorkshire under Bamboo'. The House of Strong comes to life with yells, whines, and squeaks, while the only intelligible thing heard is a mumbling in the basement of "M-Mario Picross."
The mutterer is woken by an episode of Caleb Rentpayer, and realizes it's that time of week again. He trudges up the stairs, barely paying any attention to his The Cheat and brother Strong Mad sabotaging Strong Sad's bedroom with a mouse trap hooked up to a boxing glove launcher. Normally, he would have gotten his Videographafizer 2800 and mashed 'REC.', but he felt no urge to keep the fans waiting any longer.
Even with a new computer, his spam and hate mail nearly overloaded the hard drive. After several minutes of perusal, he selected what appeared to be a usable one. He turned his camcorder on and poised his boxing gloves over the keys.
"Run, jugga jig wugg, Run from the Internet. Run.
"Dear Stong Badd,
I think that the reason you don't really kill anyone, is because you like them too much.
Wait, were they SERIOUS? They thought he liked all these losers walking the streets? Heck, he wouldn't give two craps if everyone just dropped dead right now.
All of a sudden, he saw it.
This Javier person was CHALLENGING him! He wanted to see either someone's death or Strong Bad's own humiliation. Quickly, Strong Bad formed a reply.
"So, you wanna see someone die, huh? I thought that's what Teen Girl Squad was for. But if it's real demise you want, you'll be happy to know I killed off Homestar just this-"
"Hey daiw, Stwong Bad.", said Homestar, walking in from 'behind the black.
"SSH!-" Strong Bad shushed, pausing the camera. "What do you think you're doing? It makes my lie a lot less believable if you're standing TWO FEET from me as I tell it!"
"Oh, sowwy. I just came to wetuwn youw fonduw pot again! I keep fowgetting that all I do with it is fill it with some scowpions and put them on Mawzipan's plants."
"Oh, some Bwazilian botanist called me about it and said it helps plants have gweenehr leaves."
Oh, duh. Strong Bad had forgotten that prank message he left for Marzipan. Homestar must've heard it instead.
"Keep it, dumbface," Strong Bad said, reconsidering his need for a fondue pot as well, "But you gotta get out of here right now. The folks at home don't really want so many interruptions in the final tape."
This was one of the few Sbemails that he really ad-libbed, and Homestar's presence wasn't improving it much. Homestar obliged, and Strong Bad went back to the E-Mail.
"So, where was I, Javelin? Oh, right. You asked me to kill Homestar. This could get interesting; Lessee what the ol' Scheme Generator is cooking up."
The Scheme Generator, as its name implies, is a CH34T_W4R3 program that created plans for memorable capers and scandals. All one had to do was input two criteria, 'Crime' and 'Permanence'. The Cheat had written it upon Strong Bad breaking his imagination around E-Mail 100, but since, the Wrestleman had become nearly dependent upon it, using it to plan The Cheat's route through houses he was ransacking and a way to crash the Senior Prom, among other things of the like.
For the 'Crime' criterion, Strong Bad input 'Theft' as a test. He hadn't quite tried it on things other than the older computers, so he wanted to make sure it worked on his new foreign flatscreen. The 'Permanence' criterion changed to 'Genre', as it was supposed to. He selected 'Automotive', and the computer concocted a convoluted overview of a plan to steal the Gremlin.
A smile reached Strong Bad's face. He changed 'Crime' to 'Murder'. All of a sudden, the second criterion ominously changed to 'Victim'. He scrolled down the list and clicked Homestar's name. The program formulated this, and came up with a suggestion.
"SET HIM ON FIRE."
"Nah." He clicked 'New Plan' and it came up with another.
"DROWN HIM IN FONDUE."
"MARK LEMKE, HOMESTAR RUNNER FOR THE BRAVES."
"What?" This was getting tiring.
After several more tries, he finally found what he was looking for. So evil, yet so devilishly simple. He chuckled to himself and reminded himself to get The Cheat to shop for supplies.
So, how is it so far? I hope that Homestar's speech is recognizable enough. Remember, R&R!