Disclaimer:Torchwoodis property of the BBC and, as much as we may now resent it, was created by Russell T. Davies. If I owned any of the canon characters, I'd hope they'd be a) better treated and b) actually consistent. Now pass the Retcon ... and possibly some strong coffee ;)

"Jack!" Ianto stage-whispered, exasperated.

"It'll be fine!" Jack whispered back.

"We're going to get arrested - again!" hissed Ianto.

Jack prised the window open and grinned, leaning in and pointing the alarm deactivator at the far wall. Ianto rolled his eyes, furtively glancing around, knowing the security guards would be rounding the corner any second. Jack heaved himself through the window, and turned to help Ianto through after him. He slid the bolt back by the pane, reached into his jacket and pulled out the little pen device that switched off CCTV cameras.

Jack had got them into a small ground floor kitchenette, so there were no cameras in this particular room, but as soon as they got outside onto the corridors of the office tower block they'd be under surveillance – not ideal for breaking and entering. Ianto used the little oblong ruler-length mirror he'd brought with him to check under the door for the camera's location, spotted it, and waited for it to finish its half-revolution and face the other way. He stuck his arm out of the door a little way, trying to ignore how close Jack had decided to stand, and activated the device. The camera halted, and Jack and Ianto stepped out into the corridor.

"Where's the CCTV room again?" Jack asked.

"Security is on the top floor – that's about thirty floors up. The lifts are just around the corner from here, though." Ianto told him, setting off in the right direction, eyes adjusting to the gloom.

They crept down the corridor, and Ianto dealt with the second CCTV camera efficiently, then pressed the button to call the lift. Jack was standing very close again, his lips so near to Ianto's neck he could feel the memory of them caressing his skin. He allowed arms to snake around his waist, tilting his head back as soft lips nuzzled his neck and left a trail of butterfly-soft kisses. He closed his eyes, breathing in deep, allowing them to have this moment despite the urgency of the situation.

The lift pinged, and Ianto returned to his professional demeanour, mind set on getting the internal CCTV cameras off so that he and Jack could do what they'd come here to do.

"Oo! Mirrored lift!" grinned Jack as they stepped into it, and Ianto smiled to himself.

"Maybe later."

Jack's grin widened, and he bounced on the balls of his feet. "You spoil me."

The lift took a couple more seconds, then pinged as the doors slid open again. Ianto did the camera, and lead him down the corridor, checking the signs on each door, trying to find the Security office.

"Combination lock." Jack sighed, pointing at the keypad and knob attached to the correct door. "Should we break it down and then prop it back up?"

"Let me try first." Ianto moved into the space and Jack vacated it, shining his torch onto the lock so that Ianto could see. "Right ... I'd say ... four number combination lock. We had loads of these at Torchwood One. I'm guessing this is pretty low security really, so about four for the combination. And the meathead security blokes will have to remember it, so it'll be something significant or memorable. "

Jack nodded, deciding Ianto was the authority on anything office-y here. For now.

One, two, three, four. Four, three, two, one. One, two, three, five.

Ianto tried the simple combinations, but had no luck. He sighed, thinking.

"It has to be a simple number, or no-one would remember it." he sighed. "What kind of people work here?"

Jack shrugged. "Average blokes. Very few women, according to the records, you said."

"Yeah ... " he trailed off. "Heh! Do you think it'd be as simple as:"

One, one, one, one he punched in. He tried the knob, and it turned easily, the door popping open.

"No ... way ..." he breathed.

Then he and Jack burst out laughing. They stepped into the Security office, and Ianto began flicking on the monitors and searching for any sign of them on the footage.

"Good job we came here." he commented. "I missed a camera."

Jack cuddled him from behind to see what he was looking at, and smiled and kissed his hair as they watched the two of them cuddling a little earlier, from a camera half hidden behind an jutting ceiling support. Ianto blushed at the blissful look on his own face, regretfully deleting the footage and setting up loops with the little alien Computery-Clippy-CCTV-Repeater-Thing (as was its official name) and altered the time:date stamps to mask their movements around the building. He switched the deactivated cameras back on, too, and set the loops to finish playing by six AM.

Plenty of time.

"All done." he grinned, standing up and finding Jack still attached to him. "C'mon," He guided him from the room. "let's do what we came here to do ..."

They shut the door to the room behind them, hearing the lock click back.

"Can't believe how simple that was ..." frowned Ianto, though his instincts that would have told him if anything was amiss were quelled and silent. Jack slipped his hand in his.

"Where shall we start?"

"Sorting office?" suggested Ianto. Jack quirked an eyebrow with a smirk.

"Lead the way!"

Back in the lift again, and Jack was getting more touchy-feely. Ianto had been thrust up against the wall, kissed and suffocated and claimed, tongues stroking and probing and dancing against each other hard. Jack had pulled open his coat, shoving his hands between his buttocks and the metal wall, pulling his crotch closer as they got harder.

Jack pulled back for air, and they both paused a moment to catch their breath. Without asking, the Captain pressed the emergency stop button and Ianto reached into his coat and pulled out a sachet of lube with a wicked little smile. Jack practically snatched it from him.

"Quickie?" he growled, and Ianto nodded, pulling his coat off and hanging it over the rail surrounding the lift. Jack smiled wolfishly and began pulling the buttons of Ianto's shirt while biting and suckling his neck, eventually just ripping the last few much to Ianto's grunt of distaste.

"You're paying ... fo-for – God, ow – for that!" he gasped, pleasure and pain emanating from the spot on his neck Jack was attacking.

"Add it to the slate," shrugged Jack, pushing the silk from his shoulders and tossing it aside. "if you can remember by the time we're done, of course." He roughly turned Ianto to face the mirror on the back wall, holding his head and forcing him to watch his reflection as Jack slid his hand from his naked shoulder to his bulging trousers, squeezing his erection hard and rough. "Watch yourself ..." he hissed in Ianto's ear, and Ianto slid his hands up behind Jack's neck, watching with hooded eyes as his belt was being unfastened. Jack hung it over the rail by Ianto's coat, pushing his hips forward into Ianto's arse so that he could feel how hard he was.

"Keep watching ..." Jack instructed, feeling Ianto's fingers curling into his hair. He ran his hands down Ianto's midriff, sliding his thumbs under the waistband. He popped open the fastening and pulled his zip down, agonisingly slow, revealing a centimetre at a time the silk boxers underneath. Jack kissed his neck, pulling out his cock and holding it firmly, stroking. "Look at you ..." he breathed, and Ianto moaned as his voice trembled through his body.

"You're wearing too many clothes." Ianto muttered, trying to concentrate as Jack wanked him off in the mirror.

"I don't really plan on taking them off." Jack smirked, taking Ianto's hands from behind his head and pushing them down to hold onto the rail in front of the made Ianto bend slightly, and Jack pushed his trousers and boxers down to his knees as he stared at himself, flushed with arousal and sweating in his reflection. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the glass as Jack stood behind him, doing his favourite 'inspecting' routine, smacking his pale buttocks, spreading them to look at his hole, rubbing his thumb over it and pushing it in a little way to see how tight he was. He glanced up at Ianto, and pulled his hair to make him lift his head and open his eyes, gasping in shock, to look at himself.

"Keep your elbows locked, and your eyes on yourself." Jack instructed, smacking him again, letting go of his hair and then getting to his knees. He looked up, Ianto's arse in front of him, the pale curves and planes of his back extended above him. Jack held his hips and pressed his face forward, licking and lapping and probing. He could see Ianto in the mirror, doing as he was told, keeping his eyes locked on his own, occasionally wandering over his face, going lower to his erection, to where Jack was kneeling, and back up again.

Ianto's mouth was part way open, his brow knitted in ecstasy as he fought to keep his eyes open. He whimpered as Jack forced his tongue as deep as it could go, his fingers tightening around the railing.

Jack hated that his knees were hurting, but he had to get up off the hard floor. He put his weight on Ianto to stand, and pressed his clothed erection into his naked backside. He reached into his pocket and produced Ianto's sachet of lube, tearing it open and dipping a finger in, holding both his hands up so that Ianto would clearly see his reflection in the mirror.

Reaching around him, Jack massaged a little cold lube into each of Ianto's nipples, the cold tingling longer after Jack's fingers had moved away. Jack stepped to stand at the side of him, and used one hand to spread him, and the other to open his body wide enough for his dick. Ianto trembled with the penetration, his breathing fast, his lips swollen from where Jack had kissed and bitten them.

Jack opened his trousers and took his cock out, spreading more gel over himself and moving to stand behind Ianto again. He pulled his cheeks roughly apart with both hands and pushed himself inside, Ianto throwing his head back and closing his eyes, sighing Jack's name. All the way in, Jack forced himself to stay still, grasping Ianto's head roughly and lowering it, telling him to open his eyes and look in the mirror. With a strong hand he forced Ianto to lift his left leg, tilting him to the side a little, and making him rest his foot on the rail he was clinging to.

Ianto stared open mouthed, flushed and panting as Jack, still fully-dressed, began pounding into him, gripping his waist hard and not letting him put his leg down. He could see his own cock throb and bob with Jack's thrusts, and Jack disappearing deep, deep inside him. Jack's hands were in his hair again, pulling, cotton-clad chest now pressed onto his back and buttons scratching the naked skin.

"Look at yourself being used in a lift ..." he whispered into Ianto's ear.

"Speak fo-for yourself – oh!" gasped Ianto, though he knew he was definitely in the submissive at that moment.

"Do you want to come or not?" Jack muttered into his shoulder, licking the skin.

"Sorry ... please ..."

Jack stuck his thumb in Ianto's mouth, and he sucked and nibbled it obediently. Jack leant forward and smeared Ianto's saliva on the mirror, just above waist height. "Something to aim for ..." he whispered, and kissed Ianto's cheek, running his hands up his chest and pinching pebbled nipples. Ianto loosed his grip on the rail with one hand, watching himself as he reached behind to touch Jack's arse, the metal of zip of Jack's trousers scratching his sensitised flesh. "One, two ... three ..." Jack whispered.

Ianto let go, watching his cum spurt onto the mirror, splashing his target as Jack came inside him. He panted, leaning back, watching Jack's face until their eyes met in the mirror. They laughed.

"'Used in a lift'?" Ianto raised an eyebrow, finally getting his leg down and feel Jack slip out of his body.

Jack shrugged. "I was in da zone, Ianto. I can't be responsible for what comes out of my mouth when you're naked." he said earnestly.

Ianto rolled his eyes and cleaned himself up a bit, Jack watching him as he redressed as best he could with several missing shirt buttons. The cuffs were bit ripped too, where Jack hadn't bothered to remove the cufflinks. He settled his coat back on his shoulders and zipped it up, reaching into his pocket for a tissue to clean the mirror. Realising what he was doing, Jack darted his hand out and grasped his wrist.

"Leave it there." he said, mischievous glint in his eye.

Ianto intoned his voice with warning. "Jack ..."

"Ianto ..." Jack mimicked.


"What? We can giggle knowing the looks on their faces when they find it ..."

"It's disgusting." Ianto screwed up his face.

"It was right on target." Jack jovially reminded him, pointing at where his saliva had marked and the white liquid running down the mirror below it.

Ianto rolled his eyes and pressed the emergency stop button, the lift whirring into life as he ignored Jack and checked his watch.


Plenty of time.

The sorting office for the post was in the basement, and they clicked the lights on as they entered the vast room. They made their way past rows and rows of bins filled with letters, and Jack dragged Ianto to one large bin filled with parcels and larger letters.

"First one to find a sex toy gets to top!"

"We're in an office building. Why would people have sex toys sent to work?" Ianto pointed out.

"So their significant others don't find out!" grinned Jack.

"I'm not opening other peoples' post, Jack. It's illegal, and a total invasion of privacy."

"Breaking and entering is also illegal, but here we are!" He mimicked a cockney accent: "In for a penneh, in for a paaaaaand!"

"Oh very dear ..." Ianto sighed.

"C'monnnn!" Jack pleaded. "Ianto! C'mon – I bet you ... the drive back?"

"You'll drive back if I win?" Ianto clarified.


"Even though you drove all the way here?"


"You'll drive the Cardiff to London trip ... twice?"


"You're on." shrugged Ianto, turning to the massive, 12 foot bin and weighing up which packages looked most suspicious. Jack just dived straight in, sitting on the mountain and shaking boxes, ripping a few open randomly and quite gleefully tossing things aside to start on the next one. Ianto remained outside of the bin, walking around the edge and looking for the least suspect packages.

"Does lingerie count?" Jack called.

"No." Ianto replied, and heard Jack curse. He smiled to himself, reaching for a jiffy bag and feeling the heavier end, something oblong inside. Glancing up at Jack, and biting back a smidgen of guilt, he ripped open the envelope and reached inside. "Ha!" he let out a cry of victory.

"What? No!" Jack whined, looking at the boxed vibrator Ianto was holding up. Ianto grinned.

"I can have a nap on the way back! Excellent!"

Jack scowled at him. "I've had enough of the post room." he declared, climbing out of the bin.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Woteva." He looked at the toy in his hand. "Do I ... put it back?"

"What? No! We played for keepsies."

"But it's stealing."

"You're the one with the Criminal Record here." Jack smirked, and Ianto's ears turned a bit pink.

"I only got caught because of Bethan." he told him for the thousandth time. "It was an ingenious scam, and you know it."

"Yeah, yeah. Pretend you're filling a cardboard box for an online order, then address the box to yourself. Three to five working days later, a lovely present arrives on your doorstep. Pens, pencils, post-its – laptops. You were lucky to only get shoplifting charges."

"This is different, though. This is stealing from a person, not a multi-billion pound profiting chain who's prices are daylight robbery anyway." Ianto argued.

"They'll just think it got lost in the post." shrugged Jack. "Now c'mon ... let's move upstairs. We've only got 'til 5:30 am. And we can play with it." he tried to persuade him.

Ianto read the back of the packaging, then looked back up at Jack. "'Ideal for anal use'." he read aloud.

"What are we waiting for?" smirked Jack, turning away and holding out his hand, reaching back for Ianto. Ianto took it, and they walked hand in hand back to corridor and the lifts, flicking the lights off as they went.

"Where now?" asked Ianto, finger hovering over the buttons of the lift and resolutely ignoring the white marks still on the mirror.

Jack took Ianto's wrist, shut his eyes and guided him towards a random button. He opened one eye. "Floor twenty-five, it would seem."

"Good choice." nodded Ianto.

Floor 25 was an open plan office of booths, and Jack bounced with excitement.

"Ahhh yeah ... this is more like it!" he gestured around and grinned.

He gave Jack a small smile, and they both drifted off in opposite directions, looking into the booths they passed and seeing all the different personalities that made up the office reflected in them. Ianto nearly threw up when he came across a pink, fluffy, glittery one with far too many little stuffed toys surrounding it. One had pride of place on a home-made settee tucked neatly by the side of the monitor, and the urge to steal it and hide it was nearly overwhelming.

"Ianto!" Jack called as he bound over to him, several sheets of A3 paper tucked under his arm.

"What? What've you found?"

"Photocopiers!" he chirruped, and showed Ianto what he had been photocopying.

"The toner seems to make it look smaller." he deadpanned.

Jack stared at the photocopied image again. "How ... how dare you?" he mock-chastised. "Have you any idea how to hard it is to mount a photocopier?"

"No, but I am in no doubt that you're going to tell me."

"There's no purchase! The drawers and trays snap off if you put even the slightest bit of weight on them, the glass is slippy on my cotton clothes but dear god – the friction on my cock when I tried to get off was borderline sadism on the photocopier's part."

"Well, at least now I know not to do it." sniggered Ianto.

"Ohh no, no, no! If I did it, you've got to!"

Ianto rolled his eyes, wandering further along the rows of booths, peering at each desk.

"Can we steal that awful stuffed animal, tie a noose around its neck and take pictures of it with a webcam?" Jack called after him, pointing at the awful pink fluffy thing on its settee.

Ianto decided he could condone that. "Only if you put it back!" he replied.

Jack set about his task as Ianto continued looking. His eyes were drawn to the main office at the back of the room, and he headed in that direction. The door was locked, but Ianto got in fairly quickly using the alien tech. He flicked on the light and looked around. Ianto smiled to himself. This was it.

"Jack!" he called. "Over here!"

Jack rushed over, the stuffed animal swinging from his hand, a DSL cable noose around its neck. They grinned at each other, and Jack started edging closer and breathing down Iatno's neck again. Ianto turned and kissed him gently. "You're insatiable." he told him fondly.

The Captain smiled down at him. "Only because you're here."

"Soppy git." Ianto grinned, though he was a little glazed and dopey, leaning in to kiss him again. They broke apart and he stepped back. "Okay, rules are: One, you have to be naked. Two, using your wrist strap is cheating. Three, whoever finds the other one first gets to fuck him. Four, only crawling allowed. Naked men running looks ridiculous. Five, you can only stay on this floor. Got it?"

Jack was already half naked.

"I'll count." Ianto sighed, pulling his coat off and going to sit behind the desk. "I think fifty will do. One, two, three ..."

Jack darted out into the main floor, dropped to his hands and knees and crawled to find a hiding place. Ianto counted loudly while pulling off his clothes, and out of interest booted up the computer. Again, the username and password wasn't too difficult. Surname and first initial from the nameplate on the desk, plus a simple password of four consecutive numbers. These people really needed to upgrade their systems ...

The user – Mr. D. Addams – also used the same password for everything. Ianto felt nosey, but he loved poking around computers. Especially when they weren't his own. There was a file on the desktop marked 'Publicity', and he clicked it out of sheer curiosity.

"Adipose Industries," began the smooth-voiced woman. "has been fighting the war against obesity since nineteen –"

"Blah, blah, blah ... whatever, lady – ooh!" He seemed to suddenly realise what he was watching. He'd vaguely heard of the weight-loss pills, but wasn't so sure about them himself. He watched the video, that seemed to swerve around the main core of the science, but it seemed genuine enough.Being trialled in the London area ... he read. He bit his lip – he wasn't overweight as such, just a little pudgy in the middle from Jack Absence induced comfort eating. Would he be able to order himself some without anyone noticing?


They were thick as pig-shit this lot.

Then again, he was perfectly happy how he was, and Jack had been all over him more than usual. He'd even said he preferred him 'broadened out and thicker in the middle'.

Ianto remembered himself, smiling, and shut down the terminal.

"FIFTY!" he bellowed, hoping Jack had just happily and compliantly hidden rather than counting along. He'd shouted it that loud that Jack had jumped, knocking the walls of the booth he was hidden in. Ianto cursed the 'Only Crawling' rule, and dropped to his hands and knees, hoping he wouldn't get carpet burn on his knees as well as zip-scratches all over his arse.

Jack had realised he'd given the game away, and was crawling trying to find another spot to hide. He glanced back and saw Ianto moving towards him, and squeaked in alarm, darting over to the side. He poked his head out, and couldn't see Ianto anywhere. He must have been trying to come up behind him, Jack realised, and gone down the next aisle. Jack listened carefully for the shuffle of skin on carpet, and saw a plant knock on the row across.

He decided to double-back on himself, and crawled as fast as he could in the direction he'd come in.

The Captain yelped as something hot and heavy barrelled into him, pinning him on his back and laughing. "Fell for it!" sang Ianto, and held up a little piece of potpourri he found on one of the desks. "Threw it at the plant." he explained, and leant down to kiss Jack gently.

"I meant for you to find me." Jack muttered into the skin of Ianto's neck, feeling their semi-hard cocks brushing together.

"Whatever." smiled Ianto, moving so that he was lying in between Jack's legs. He pressed himself flush on top of him, and rested an elbow either side of his head as he leant down to kiss him again.

"We should ... go back to the ... start point ... Ianto ... lube ..." Jack murmured against his mouth. Ianto lifted his head and smiled down at him.


Ianto waited on the floor while Jack ran to fetch some, lying on his side and playing with the thread of the rough carpet. He was just about to shout to Jack to fetch his coat back with him, when the man himself sat back down next to him, coat and lubricant in hand.

"Figured that on this carpet, we'd need some extra protection." he winked, spreading out his coat.

"Or use a desk?" Ianto thought out loud. Jack was on his feet, tugging Ianto up after him, kissing him and pushing him backwards until he was sat on the free space of a booth desk. He pushed Jack back, turned, and pushed the contents of the desk onto the floor.

"Hands and knees." he ordered with a smirk. Jack gave him a mock salute, and climbed onto the table. Ianto knelt up behind him, moulded his body to Jack's, reaching around to the Captain's hardening erection, pressing his own semi into his fleshy backside. He bit into Jack's shoulder, nipping harshly, kissing gently and licking with his tongue flat, tasting Jack's sweat and arousal.

Once Jack was hard and panting, Ianto began to prepare him with his fingers, playing with his cock with one hand and opening him up with the other. He pushed four fingers in as Jack groaned and writhed and pushed back, trying to get Ianto as far inside him as possible.

The desk wasn't quite strong enough to hold the weight of two full grown (and quite muscular) men, and it began to give and groan before eventually collapsing. Jack and Ianto tumbled to the ground with a thud, laughing while still trying to fuck each other. Jack ended up on his back on what had been the table top, legs wrapped around Ianto and hands in his hair.

Once they were sated, Ianto flopped down onto Jack's chest, panting together. Jack stroked his hair and held him tight, and Ianto kissed Jack's chest a couple of times before resting his ear against his ribcage and listening to the speeded pumping of Jack's heart. It was silent apart from their heavy breathing, and they both froze and stiffened when a strange, melodic sound filled the air.

"What's that?" asked Jack, listening hard.

Ianto strained his ears. "Sounds like ... oh! My phone!"

He hurried back to the office they'd made the starting point, and managed to pull his phone out of his pocket just in time.


"Are you two okay? Jack's not answering and your comms are out of range."

"We're fine, Gwen. Just ... busy. I think Jack might have put his phone on silent, sorry. Is something wrong?"

"No, it's fine. Just hadn't heard anything from you. Have you found anything yet?"

"Ummmm ... nothing particularly alien. Yet."

Jack was loitering in the doorway, naked under his coat and pulling a splinter out of his palm. 'Gwen' Ianto mouthed. Jack nodded and smirked.

"No ... No ... we're still looking. We're sure we'll find something."

"Well hurry up. I don't want to drive down to London to bail you out of any police stations again."

"We've learnt from the last six times, haven't we? I think we've covered most of our tracks. And this lot really are simpletons."

"Simpletons running an alien organisation under our noses?"

"The humans who work here are simpletons." Ianto rolled his eyes.

"I dunno, Ianto. I'm starting to think the anonymous tips we've been getting about these offices may be false. Nothing's come up on any of them."

"Got to make sure though." Ianto replied. "Rather safe than sorry!"

"Okay. Just ... hurry up and find something, okay?"

"Okie dokie. Buh bye!"


Ianto hung up and turned to smile at a now practically dressed Jack. "Awwwww!" he moaned. "You don't want another round?"

"I thought you might be getting tired." Jack said, not meeting his eyes.

Ianto sniggered. "Not as young as you used to be?"

"Shut up."

"Fine, fine. But we didn't get to play with the toy we found!"

"There's the journey home yet." winked Jack.

"Not too tired to drive, are you?"

"Shut up."

Ianto grinned, and started getting dressed while Jack looked around the office properly. He picked up one of the business cards kept in a box on the desk. "Adipose Industries." he read aloud. "Weight loss pills?"

Ianto shrugged. "Aliens could be anywhere."

"Usually Cardiff, London or New York." Jack smiled, pocketing the card. Ianto gave him a funny look. "What?"

"What're you keeping the card for?"


"Sure ... but if you suddenly start losing weight ..."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Like you didn't take a card!"

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "I didn't."


"I didn't."


"... what are you trying to say, Jack?"

"I ... ah ... nothing?"

"Because I'm perfectly happy how I am, thank you very much."

"I love you the way you are!"

Ianto internally flinched at the 'L' word, and he thought he saw Jack did too.

"I just ... everyone wants to lose a few pounds!"

"You seem a bit shocked that I don't feel the need to." sniffed Ianto, folding his arms.

"I'm just ... surprised to see you're happy as you are!"

Instantly, Jack knew he's said the wrong thing.

"I meant ... I meant ... someone who's just happy as they are ... not you in particular ... you're perfect, you know that. It came out wrong."

"'Course it did." Ianto shrugged his coat on, turned on his heel and began to stride out of the office, through the open plan booths and towards the lifts. Jack had to follow at a trot, before falling in step beside him.

"C'mon Ianto! We've had a lovely night! Don't ruin it by being all ..."

Ianto raised an eyebrow as they halted before the lift, the doors sliding open.

"All what?"

Jack saw the tiny quirk in the corner of his mouth. "Ohhh! I really thought you were angry at me."

Ianto laughed and punched his arm. Jack shoved him back. Ianto shoved him harder. Jack crushed their bodies together and kissed him.

"You are up for another round," whispered Ianto. "you just wanted more lift sex ..."

"Be thankful I didn't drag you over to the photocopiers ..."

They kissed again, forgetting about the emergency stop button until the lift pinged and the doors slid back.


They paused mid-kiss and turned. A blonde woman with black framed glasses, blood red lips and a black pencil skirt suit stood, with two security guards either side of her, giving Jack and Ianto a very unimpressed look.

"Sorry ..." Jack said with a grin. "... wrong floor ..."

He reached over and pressed the button for the lift doors to shut, and they descended to the basement level. The second they could fit through the doors, they turned sideways and slipped out, running towards the delivery exit. Jack fumbled with the power buttons for the shutters that let the big post lorries through, finally pressing the green switch.

Ianto ducked under first, and Jack pressed the 'Close' button and managed to slide under without getting trapped. Ianto helped him to his feet, and they jumped down from the ledge the lorries reversed up to, and ran hand in hand towards the part of the fence they'd cut earlier. Jack held it aside while Ianto crawled through, hearing the shouts of security guards bearing down on them and the woman's strange calm tones piercing the night with orders to capture them alive.

One the 'alive' order, Jack gave Ianto a pointed look, but neither of them bothered saying anything, simply grasping each others' hands and running to the side street where they'd parked the SUV. Ianto swore when he saw that it was being guarded.

Jack slipped an arm around his shoulders and started pulling him down the street, and they both staggered in feigned drunkenness; Jack being overly touchy-feely, kissing his face and hair; Ianto looking like he was holding him up.

"Look ... at ... that ..." Jack slurred, pointing at the car.

"Oh no ... don't ..." Ianto pretended to protest as Jack started dragging him towards it. The guards sniggered at them as Jack began trying to describe the 'amazingness' of the car. Their sniggers that were cut short when they found stun-guns zapped to their abdomens, and the guards fell down unconscious.

They climbed into the SUV, Ianto behind the wheel because it had been ages since Jack had let him drive a getaway. The wheels spun and screeched as men from the office block started spilling onto the street, firing pistols with silencers. Ianto sped away, the car not even scratched, and didn't return to the speed limit until they were on the motorway.

"Well ... how was it?" Jack asked.


"Y'know ..."

"Let me see," smiled Ianto. "breaking and entering, shag in a lift, raiding a postal office, finding a vibrator, photocopying genitalia, Naked Hide and Seek, sex on a desk, getting caught, getting threatened, getting nearly killed and a high speed getaway, Gwen, Tosh and Owen have no idea what we're doing and we might have accidentally found something ... I think ... even though it's taken us about six tries ... Best. First. Date. Ever."

Jack grinned. "Yah ... I thought so, too!"

"Er ... guys ...?" Gwen's voice laughed tinny through their earpieces. "Just so you know, since you got in the SUV .... comms are back online ..."

Jack tensed.

Ianto pulled calmly over into the hard shoulder.

"Um ..." Jack began. "This still beats going to see Twilight, right?"

Ianto glared at him.

"Oh no!" Jack facepalmed.

"What?" asked Ianto, teeth gritted as Gwen still giggled in their ears.

"We have to go back! Ianto!"

"... and why is that?"

"... I forgot my photocopies!"