Not Exactly What I'd Call Film Making

"What did you think of the show, Jack?" Daniel asked as all of SG1 watched the end as it played in their cell.

"I think Al is one hell of a preacher," Jack replied.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

Sam rolled her eyes but didn't say anything.

"Benjamin Franklin himself said beer was proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy," Jack said quickly, not wanting Sam to think he was referring to the strippers in his appreciation of Al's speech.

Sam nodded and changed the subject, "The special effects they used for 'dusting' the vampires was very impressive."

"Yeah," Jack said evasively.

"Definitely," Daniel agreed in an awkward tone.

Jack and Daniel looked at one another in surprise and communicated something back and forth with a few facial expressions.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow and sent Sam a questioning look.

"Don't tell me..." Sam's voice trailed off.

Jack winced.

"I hate when you guys do that," Janet said as she arrived and caught the last exchange.

"Do what?" Daniel asked, confused.

"Start having entire conversations without actually talking," the doctor replied as she checked Jack's chart.

"A good team learns to communicate without words," Jack defended. "There are a number of times our lives have been saved by being able to do that."

"And in the field, I'd encourage it," Janet said, "but in quarantine I have to keep track of your health and mental state, a job made difficult by everyone sitting quietly and twitching at each other like chipmunks on a caffeine high."

All of SG1 turned their heads towards Janet and raised their right eyebrow in synch, giving her identical doubtful looks.

"And that's just plain creepy! Start speaking in whole and complete sentences or I'm breaking out the needles."

"Fine," Jack said, caving quickly. "I'm sorry, Sam, but the topic is classified and I can't say anything more about it."

"I've been on more than a few digs where crosses and holy water have saved my life," Daniel admitted. "These looked far too true-to-life to be special effects."

"Are you seriously trying to tell me that vampires exist?!" Sam demanded.

Daniel pulled the left shoulder of his hospital gown to the side revealing twin scars on his collar bone. "I'm not going to argue the topic with you."

"What are vampires?" Teal'c asked.

"Corpses possessed by blood demons," Janet replied. "They have all of their host bodies' knowledge and memories, but none of their morals. Add to that a thirst for human blood and a massive increase in their physical stats and tissue regenerative speed and you'll see why humans like them even less than the goa'uld."

SG1 stared at Janet in shock.

"Considering we're dealing with a portal to other worlds, it's only logical to make sure the medical staff has been briefed on demonic matters so we can keep an eye out for signs of demonic corruption or tampering," Janet replied.

"So the show was real?" Sam asked.

"That's up for debate," Janet replied, checking Sam's chart. "I've no knowledge of magical artifacts and have never heard of the Slayer, so while I can say the vamps are real, the rest isn't something I can verify. It's being shown to you because it was accidentally broadcast live to the entire US on every channel, two weeks ago while you were off world."

"And if we show no knowledge of it, someone would know something was up," Jack guessed.

"Plus I want to hear what you think of it," Janet said. "Everyone's still arguing about symbolism."

"The girl was a bit young, but then so was the guy," Jack said. "And I like the way he taught her to be a hero in her own right."

"Really?" Sam asked, surprised. "I thought you'd be against it."

"Protect a girl and she's safe for a day. Teach a girl to protect herself and she's safe for a lifetime," Jack said firmly.

"This is a side of you I haven't seen before," Janet said.

"JackO'Neill has always looked to the welfare of others," Teal'c defended him.

"Yes, but he projects the image of a chauvinist who doesn't believe women should be in combat," Janet explained.

"Women should not be in combat," Teal'c said.

"You don't think women can fight as well as men?" Janet asked, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Women can be every bit as capable a warrior as men," Teal'c said, "however, seeing women die in battle is simply too rough on men. We are not designed to put up with the kind of stress that places on us."

"Got that right," Jack agreed.


"So use two camera crews and make two movies with only half the scenes in common. One follows Lara and one follows Ash, so they have to watch both movies to get all the in-jokes, but they're each complete to themselves," Dawn said, tired of hearing the writers argue.

"Can we do that?" one of the writers asked as he saw the director frozen in thought.

"Yeah," the director replied, beginning to smile. "I'll get Shaun in to handle the Tomb Raider movie while I direct the Evil Dead one. Hell, we can shoot an Indiana Jones movie connected to it and make it a trilogy. Harrison has wanted to retire the character since Crystal Skull was shot, so we get to send Indy off with a bang!"

"I think you just kicked over the ant hill," Bruce said with a grin.

"She's a natural," Angelina agreed, taking a sip of her drink.

"She's beautiful," Xander added.

Dawn shot him a dazzling smile before retaking her seat at the table in between Xander and Angelina.

Bruce and Xander bumped metal fists. "Way to suck up, kid."

"How about the ending shot for our movies being us visiting the grave of our mentor?" Angelina suggested. "On the Indy movie, we do a fade to black, death, that way if Harrison decides to revise the role later, we can just claim it happened between that movie and ours."

"Brilliant!" the director exclaimed.

"And beautiful," Bruce added, making her laugh.

Xander raised his fist and they clanged them together before bursting out laughing.

"Not nearly as smooth, but then we're not dating and he is friends with my husband," Angelina told Dawn.

"Who do you think told me to make sure I told you that you were beautiful at least once a day?" Bruce asked.

"Billy Bob has patented smooth with that one," Xander said.

"OK, troops, listen up!" the director called out. "We'll be flying out to Egypt to film the scenes on location at the temple of Ra first, since two of our stars will be in school this time next month. Pack for two weeks of blistering heat and remember we're concentrating on the temple scenes. We can fake Egyptian desert scenes using the local desert later."


"I actually have heard of the Slayer," Daniel said, trying to change the subject. "It's pretty much as described. Teen girl suddenly has the skills of a great warrior and the strength and speed to match a vampire."

"Why a teen girl?" Sam asked.

"No idea," Daniel admitted, "that's just how it goes."

"Probably because a teen girl is the most popular victim," Jack offered. "So her becoming the thing monsters fear provides the most irony."

"Considering the number of things we've seen, I'd hesitate to dismiss any legend as just a story," Sam said.

"Who's dismissing it?" Jack asked. "As far as I'm concerned, the universe runs on irony."

"So there's a possibility the show was real?" Sam asked.

"Bits of it were," Jack admitted. "The robots and the dead clowns were probably added for humor."

"That, or the world is a lot stranger than we think it is," Sam said.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed, thinking over the numerous strange encounters he'd had since joining SG1.

"When can we get out of quarantine?" Jack asked.

Typing by: Ordieth!

AN: This is really just a teaser because Godogma got me thinking of how I would continue it. I have no plans on continuing at this time.