PAK Number: 9137-ALI-26
Stardate: Not sure- we never learned this in the academy…
It's Impending Doom 2 ½ or something today. The second launch of invaders for Impending Doom 2 is today. Maybe… I'll get sent somewhere? Please?
Anyway, to impress the Tallest, I'm conducting an experiment with radioactivity and some weird alien bugs I smuggled off a janitorial droid coming in from Planet Dirt. I'm trying to convert them to power containers, like batteries… all they really do now is glow, which, admittedly, is REALLY COOL, but it probably won't impress the Almighty Tallest… then again, they are pretty easily impressed.
Unfortunately, I'm not the model invader. I've had my share of mishaps… Actually, I've had several Irkens' share of mishaps. It's probably because of my… disfigurement. I mean, that seems to be where it all started…
When Irkens are born, they go through judgment immediately afterwards to determine how successful they'll be in life. A lot of Irkens are marked as defective minutes after they're born. I was supposed to be that way, but I came during a large clot of defective Irkens, and I was one of those that slipped away in the hectic scrambling.
I have three antennae. It's unheard of in Irkens, except in smeets destined to be destroyed. It's always been seen as an aberration, and you would thing I'd have a problem with the prejudice, but I really don't. Not because I'm "untouchable" or anything. It's just because the prejudices are always completely true.
I'm a mess-up. I can never do anything right. Something goes wrong on the other side of the planet, and I'm automatically suspected- and not unreasonably. In fact, I am the root of most problems that plague Irk. I don't have a problem with it. It's kind of cool. I'm almost a celebrity. Albeit, a crazy, despised celebrity, but still famous.
The Tallest think I'm crazy.
I think I'm crazy.
Just then, one of the radioactive bugs jumped down from the table and darted out of my dormitory. Why do I always leave that hatch open? Ah, yes. The defective thing.
I chased the glowing insect until I collided with something. I'd been staring at the ground, but I hadn't seen any feet. Expecting trouble, I looked up, straight into the irritated red eyes of my Tallest Red.
"Tallest!" I exclaimed. "I'm sorry. I didn't see you! I was trying to catch the glowing filth bug!" He cocked his head to the side, eyes narrowed. "I'm not crazy!" I reminded him. Tallest Purple floated up behind him.
"We've been looking for you, Ali," sneered Tallest Red. I beamed.
"My mission! You came to assign it in person?" I gasped.
"Actually," corrected Purple, "we came to exterm-" Red elbowed him. "-inate your not being on a mission," continued Tallest Purple.
"Yes," smirked Red. "We're sending you to… Earth."
"Earth!" I exulted. "To assist Invader Zim? Oh, he's my idol!"
"Imagine that," muttered Red. "Anyway, Aloe-"
"Whatever. You're leaving right now!"
"Yay!" I cheered. "Ooh, do I get a SIR unit?" I'd seen other invaders embarking on missions with their very own robot assistant.
"Uh, yeah," mumbled Tallest Red. "Here." He grabbed a random SIR unit wandering by and pulled a magnet out of his pocket, and he began running the magnet along the SIR's head. The robot's red eyes flashed and faded to a dull, inanimate gray.
"What does that do?" I asked curiously, indicating the magnet.
"It improves the SIR's artificial intelligence," insured Tallest Purple. Suddenly, the SIR sprang to life again. The Tallest surveyed it with interest. Its eyes and joints were now a bright bloigenberry pink.
"Lulu, reporting for duty," she sang in a squeaky voice.
"Why is it different from the other SIRs?" I asked. "They're all red."
"This one is… better!" declared Purple. "Now, get into the Voot Cruiser." He jumped aside to reveal a small Voot Cruiser.
"I'm starting my mission right now?!" I yelped.
"Yes," replied Red. "Unless you're not prepared?"
"No," I answered firmly. "I'm prepared to serve my planet! I will not rest until-"
"Blah, blah, blah, now get into the spaceship. Your exile- I mean, mission- begins now!" cried Tallest Purple, shoving me towards the ship. I smiled and ushered Lulu into the ship. I hopped up into the hatch, and then turned back to see my Tallest watching me eagerly.
"I won't let you down!" I called to them.
"Leave!" yelled Tallest Red. How excited they were about my mission! I jumped into the driver's seat, sealed the door, and soared far, far away.