So Not My Problem
Disclaimer: I do not own KotOR
Revan was sleeping rather fitfully when his door flung open and quickly slammed shut again. "Wha-?"
"Revan!" a fit blond man cried. "You overslept! You've slept in so late you missed meeting Bastila!"
"…Bastila?" Revan asked blankly as he sat up. Did he know any Bastilas? He didn't think so. And why was he supposed to be meeting with her anyway? He certainly doubted that he would have set a meeting with her in the morning. And why would this man have been sent to go get him? He didn't know him and so wouldn't have asked him to wake him up. Even if he had known him, he didn't believe in other people waking him up. Had this girl sent him? Why couldn't she go herself if it was so freaking important?
The blond stared at him in confusion. "Yeah, you know, Bastila. The reason we're not all dead right now, Battle Meditation girl…"
"Sorry, still not ringing any bells," Revan apologized half-heartedly. He really was a little distressed that his lack of memory was making this take longer than it should.
The blond rolled his eyes and sighed. "That girl you said was hot from the party last Thursday."
Revan's eyes lit up. "Ah, Bastila. Why didn't you say so?"
"But…I did…" the blond insisted helplessly.
"Whatever," Revan dismissed the claim. "So what did she want?"
"I'm not sure," the blond admitted. "But it sounded important."
"I'm pretty sure that I never arranged to meet with her and if she arranged to meet with me then she never thought to let me know so how is it that I'm apparently late to meet with her?" Revan demanded.
"I don't even know," the blond said, shrugging. "It's really not my department. How about you ask her when you see her again?"
"Well, she is really hot. Oh, why not? I'm awake anyway. Let's go then!" Revan jumped to his feet, only to fall over again once a huge crash rocked the ship. That was kind of embarrassing. "What the hell was that?"
The blond smacked his forehead. "Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the ship is under attack."
Revan climbed to his feet again and grabbed hold of something to steady him before he closed his eyes and counted to ten very slowly. "Why didn't you mention that when you first got here? Like, you know, anyone with half a brain would do."
"I'm not sure…" the blond said, sounding puzzled. "I fully intended to, but for some strange reason when I got here I felt a strange desire to start things off by waking you up and reminding you that you slept in so late you missed meeting Bastila."
"Even though I wasn't actually late to meet Bastila?" Revan inquired.
"I guess so," the man agreed.
"Well, alright then," Revan said a bit uncertainly. "Hey, since you seem to know so much about me, I might as well ask: Who the hell are you? How did you get in here? And why are you drooling?"
"I'm Trask," Trask introduced. "I came through the door and you're half-naked."
"But you're a guy…" Revan pointed out.
"I've noticed," Trask said dryly.
Revan shrugged. "Just so we're clear. What I meant to ask was how did you get through the door? I could have sworn I locked it…"
"Oh, you did," Trask assured him.
"Then…how…?" Revan asked.
"Well, my first bunkmate was homophobic so he got a room change," Trask explained.
"And they just let him?" Revan asked, surprised.
"They weren't going to," Trask explained. "But after he gave a twelve-hour speech on why he couldn't possibly room with me and wouldn't let anybody leave to go to the bathroom, they decided they really just did not care enough and let him get his way."
"And so you came here?" Revan concluded.
"Not right away, no," Trask said, shaking his head. "My next bunkmate didn't think opposite genders should room together and the third guy just didn't trust me."
Revan didn't really see the problem. "So?"
"No, I mean REALLY didn't trust me. Used to lie awake all night to make sure I wasn't attempting to give the Sith codes to our shield system or whatever. And he thought my teddy bear was a bomb!" Trask exclaimed.
That was oddly specific and so Revan just had to ask. "Well, was it?"
"That's not the point!" Trask said quickly. Too quickly. And why wasn't he just denying it like a normal person? No, there was definitely something very wrong with this guy. Revan frankly doubted that they were even bunkmates.
"Actually, given our current situation I think that that is extremely relevant information," Revan argued. "In fact, it might be the most important information of all. After all, if you're some kind of Sith spy then escaping with you is likely to get me captured or killed. Or betrayed again and some inopportune moment."
"Completely overreacting," Trask said again, completely avoiding the question. "And you're interrupting my story."
"Sorry that my concern for not getting captured or killed by the Sith is interrupting the flow of your narrative," Revan said sarcastically.
"Normally, I wouldn't forgive you so easily," Trask confided. "But we're kind of on a time-crunch and I really would like to get through this so you're off the hook."
"Lucky me," Revan said indifferently, looking towards the door longingly. "Are you sure we have time for this?"
Trask glared at him. "If you're so concerned about the time then maybe, and this is just a suggestion, you should stop interrupting me!"
Revan sighed. "Whatever."
"And so I decided to crash with you because my assigned bunkmates weren't quite working out," Trask said, effortlessly picking up where he had left off and actually confusing Revan a little since they'd wandered quite a bit from the story earlier and so he was having a little difficulty remembering what Trask had said before that. But that was alright, really, since he didn't actually care.
"But how did you know my password?" Revan demanded. Maybe that wasn't such an important thing to worry about now but it did greatly disturb him and he'd like to know for future reference.
Trask snorted. "Please. 'Vrook must die' is NOT all that hard to figure out."
"Well, it worked for everyone else!" Revan said defensively. Especially since, contrary to what his password might indicate, he was actually quite a vocal Vrook fan. Sure, the guy didn't actually like anybody ever but he could be quite amusing about it. Completely by accident, Revan was sure, but since when did that matter?
"Whatever, let's just go. Do you need any help putting on your clothes?" Trask asked innocently.
"Uh…that's okay…I think I've got it covered," Revan said awkwardly. "Seriously, it's not like I'm brain damaged or anything. Why would I need help with something as simple as that?"
"No, of course not!" Trask said hastily. "Now come on! It's a lockdown so I'll have to unlock the door."
"But…it's MY room," Revan pointed out.
"So?" Trask asked blankly.
"So I know the password!" Revan burst out.
Trask ignored him and opened the door. Upon taking two steps out of the room, he was hit with a hail of blaster fire.
"Trask!" Revan cried out in horror. "You can't die! You haven't told me how to find Bastila yet!"
"Nice to see you're so concerned," Trask said dryly. "But I'm fine."
"But…you just got hit dozens of times!" Revan said, a little lost.
"No, I got hit four times," Trask corrected. "The war's really dragging on and so new recruits were needed pretty quickly so marksmanship was one of the first things to go."
"I see," Revan said. "But even if you only got hit four times, why aren't you dead? Or at least wounded?"
"Most blasters, you need to get hit at least ten times before you die," Trask explained, raising his gun and beginning to fire on the Sith in front of him. "As such."
"Wow, those blasters suck. At least this vibroblade should be nice and quick, just a little stabbing and-" Revan began.
"Actually," Trask cut him off. "People tend to use those to just cut at the opponent until they die, usually in at least ten hits."
"Wow," Revan said, shaking his head incredulously. "I don't know if these weapons suck or you guys just suck at using them."
"It's probably both, actually," Trask offered.. "Now get over here and help me if you're so convinced you can do better!"
Revan shrugged. "Alright."
A few carefully aimed shots later, the Sith were all dead. Of course, so were the Republic soldiers they were fighting, but that wasn't Revan's fault and they were clearly too useless to live anyway, so it's not like he really cared.
The communicator went off then and Trask looked at Revan expectantly. "Well, aren't you going to answer it?"
Revan shrugged. "Yeah, there's no one I really want to talk to right now and we're kind of under attack so now really isn't the best time…"
"It's probably someone going to ask for help or give a status report or something important like that!" Trask exclaimed.
"Oh, well if somebody needs help than I definitely don't want to talk to them and if it's that important you can get it yourself," Revan told him bluntly.
"Maybe I will," Trask said angrily, activating his communicator.
"What took you so long?" a bearded man in an orange jacket demanded. "Seriously, who the hell takes two minutes to answer a communicator in an emergency?"
"Well, since it's an emergency did you ever stop to think that maybe we were in the middle of a fight or something?" Trask challenged.
The man on the screen blinked. "No, actually, I did not. Were you?"
"…So not the point!" Trask cried out.
"Okay then…I'm Carth Onasi and you need to get to the bridge to protect Basti- wait…I recognize you!" Carth burst out. "You're that guy who was trying to give the Sith our access codes! I bet that's why we're under attack!"
"Gotta go," Trask said quickly, switching off his communicator.
"What was that about you selling us all out to the Sith?" Revan asked suspiciously.
"Oh, who even knows," Trask said tiredly. "That was the paranoid bunkmate I was telling you about earlier."
"You did say he was right about the teddy bear bomb," Revan reminded him.
"Can you accuse me of being a Sith some other time?" Trask pleaded. "In case you haven't noticed, we're UNDER ATTACK!"
"Alright," Revan agreed reluctantly. "But I've got my eye on you!"
"The hell?" Revan complained. "There's no one on the bridge!"
"Not now that you killed the half a dozen Sith that were there, no," Trask agreed.
"Since Bastila's clearly not here, can we just go?" Revan asked. "She's either made her way off the ship or she's too stupid to live."
"Since Battle Meditation doesn't require a keen intellect, let's not take our chances," Trask said, shaking his head. "Let's keep looking!"
"You're going to get us both killed," Revan accused.
"No one's forcing you to come with me, you know," Trask replied.
"True," Revan agreed. "But I don't actually know where the escape…pods…are…that's it! Bastila probably tried to leave so we should check there for her."
"You're just trying to get me to leave, aren't you?" Trask asked suspiciously.
"There's no time for suspicions, isn't that what you said earlier?" Revan said quickly, breaking into a sprint. "Bastila needs us!"
"Alright, alright…" Trask said, racing to catch up. He stopped suddenly in front of a perfectly innocuous-looking door. "There's a Dark Jedi behind this door."
"You mean Sith," Revan corrected automatically.
Trask gave him a strange look. "I know they're Sith. I meant specifically, Sith that use the Force. Dark Jedi."
"A Dark Jedi is a Sith," Revan argued. "That's the very definition."
"No, the definition of 'Sith' is 'anyone who followed Revan and now follows Malak'," Trask countered.
"Look, we're in a hurry so let's not argue semantics even if I'm totally right," Revan decided. "What makes you think there are Sith behind that door?"
Trask shrugged. "Just a feeling, I guess."
Revan's eyes widened in horror. "You're not about to get all Force Sensitive on me, are you? Because trust me, the last thing we need is an adult miraculously completing training that's supposed to take years if not decades taking a month or two. Seriously, that never ends well."
"What happens?" Trask asked curiously.
"They fall in love and inevitably they, their love interest, or an illicit child of theirs falls to the Dark Side," Revan explained. "Besides, if word got around it were that easy to make somebody a proficient Force user, nobody would want to be a Jedi anymore because the Order is insanely controlling."
"You sound like you know a lot about the Jedi Order," Trask noted.
"No more than most people," Revan disagreed.
"Whatever you say…" Trask trailed off, moving towards the door.
"Wait, what are you doing?" Revan demanded.
"I'm about to open this door," Trask explained, sounding as if he were talking to a particularly unintelligent child.
"I know that," Revan said indignantly, "but why? You're just going to get yourself killed!"
"Well, it's not like we can just ignore the fact that they're there," Trask attempted to reason.
"I don't see why not," Revan shot back. "They haven't come after us so far. If we make a break for it, we would stand a much better chance of surviving than if we confronted them."
"You are such a coward," Trask accused, sounding disgusted. He defiantly pressed the button to open the door.
"Well, well, well, what have we here?" a tall bald man wielding a red lightsaber asked sardonically. Two Sith stood at his side. "Two little Republics out for a little stroll?"
"It's no use," Trask said sadly. "This is Darth Bandon, Malak's apprentice. We're no match for him."
Revan's eye twitched. "We already knew that before you opened the freaking door!"
"There's only one thing to do," Trask said virtuously, ignoring Revan. "Tell my wife I love her. For the Republic!"With that, he ran straight at Bandon, vibroblade held high. He thoughtfully shut the door behind him, but Revan could imagine what was happening in there.
"Moron," Revan said, shaking his head and continuing the way he and Trask had come, hoping it would lead straight to the escape pods. "And how am I supposed to know who your wife is? You never told me your last name." He paused. "And didn't you say you were gay?"
Revan was distracted from his growing confusion and annoyance about his temporary companion's death by the communicator going off again. "What?" he snapped.
"Hey, you're not Trask! Who are you? Did you kill him?" Carth demanded.
"Of course I didn't kill him!" Revan growled, offended. "Not that I wasn't tempted…"
"Then what happened to him?" Carth challenged.
"Idiot attacked Darth Malak's apprentice head on for no apparent reason," Revan responded.
"That does sound like him," Carth mused.
"How did you know anything had happened to him anyway?" Revan inquired. "Maybe I just chose to answer the communicator this time."
"You and I are the only two people alive on the Endar Spire so it was pretty clear that something had happened to him," Carth explained.
Revan started. "What? We're the only two alive?"
"Kind of morbid, huh?" Carth asked.
"Well, yes, but that wasn't what I meant. I killed every single other person on the ship except for Trask who was killed by a combination of Sith and his own idiocy?" Revan couldn't believe it.
"It would appear so," Carth confirmed.
"But what about the three Stih that just killed Trask?" Revan asked. "That was like two minutes ago! There's no way they had enough time to get off the ship."
"Look, all I know is that you are the only other person the computer says is on the ship. The ship which is going to blow up any minute now. There's only one escape pod and if you're not here in the next five minutes, I'm am SO leaving your sorry ass to die," Carth said flatly.
Four minutes and fifty-three seconds later, Revan burst through the door and nearly ran into Carth.
"Hey, watch it," Carth complained.
"Carth? You know when you told me we were the only two people left alive on the ship?" Revan asked pleasantly.
Warily, Carth nodded. He didn't really trust his fellow survivor, but then again he really didn't trust anyone. After all, if one person he thought was a friend turned out to be evil then everyone he ever met could conceivably be a Sith, right?
"How did you forget to mention the eight Sith standing right in front of the door and attempting to break in? You'd think that was relevant information," Revan said, crossing his arms.
Carth shrugged sheepishly. "My bad? Oh, wait, I just thought of something! Sith aren't actually people and so I was right when I said that there were no people on board besides us."
"That's a little judgmental, don't you think?" Revan asked rhetorically.
Carth glared suspiciously at him. "Defending them? What are you, a Sith?"
Revan shook his head. "No, I just…oh, never mind."
"I'm watching you," Carth warned.