The Hitchhiker's guide to Middle-Earth

Disclaimer: As you can see, this is a crossover between the Hitchhiker's "Trilogy" and LOTR. Therefore, not only do I not own anything, I don't own it twice. Enjoy!

1. An Unexpected Party

Ford Prefect was observing, with a degree of detached amusement, Zaphod Beeblebrox banging his heads against one of the Heart of Gold's upholstered walls. The reason as to why Zaphod was banging his heads against the wall was unknown, but that did not detract from the entertainment it offered. And it would have stayed that way, had not Arthur Dent emerged and said, with stunning, obvious stupidity, "Why are you banging your head, uh, heads, against the wall?"

Ford Prefect always knew humans had an annoying knack for pointing out the obvious. He just didn't know why.

One of Zaphod's heads stopped banging itself on the wall long enough to reply, "Wallflallbit pooterphoot."

"He's very drunk," Trillian explained with disgust.

"Erp," said Arthur, deciding that waking up today was a very bad decision indeed.

Ford had begun scanning through the entries in his copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which was by now so worn with use that the words "Don't Panic" were beginning to fall off the cover. He threw it back inside his traveling bag and began rummaging inside, producing a towel, a bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit, and another book that he had never seen before. It had a bright green cover and fiery letters displaying the discouraging word:


He glanced at the title, which read The Hitchhiker's Guide to Middle-Earth. The introduction was thus:

Any hitchhiker tired of hitching his way through the hostile galaxy, constantly being force-read Vogon poetry, putting up with Siruis Cybernetics products, never having enough Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters and always in danger of losing his towel: worry no more! Instead of wallowing your way through the universe like a live mattress flolloping in a swamp, you can explore the parallel dimension of Middle-Earth instead! Simply press the green button on the back of this book…

Ford looked up. Zaphod was still banging his heads on the wall. Trillian was counting the tiles on the floor. Arthur Dent looked very, very lost.

"Ah, yes, the spirit of adventure," said Ford, and pressed the green button.

It was a fair night in the Shire. The air was sweet with summer blossoms and the charred scent of lingering fireworks. A group of hobbits had gathered to hear the birthday speech of Bilbo Baggins, who was, at this moment, finishing it.

"I regret to say," he said, "that this is the end- I am leaving- AAAAAAAAAGH!"

The scream was not uncalled for. In front of him, out of thin air, four people had suddenly materialized, and one of them had two heads.