Forsaken In My Mind's Past
Prologue: A Wonderful World…Shattered ~ Louis Armstrong / Trading Yesterday
A/N: This is my first attempt at writing much of anything especially fanfiction, so please review and tell me what you think. Big thanks to the wonderful beta THESnapCrakklePop, and also thanks to the betas at Project Team Beta for helping turn my babbling into something remotely interesting to read!
* GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING:Please take note that this story contains some graphic language, strong sexual content and adult situations, graphic violence at times, and in one instance, an attempted rape. Finally, it contains adultery, which I do not condone, but my hubs is fully aware that if Edward Cullen (aka Rob Pattinson) invaded our bedroom ever, poor hubs wouldn't stand a chance. *ahem* Therefore, if you're underage…Do not read. Enough said.
Check out my profile for links to my banner made by the beautiful anamorphos, and other stuff.
Song links: What a Wonderful World – www . youtube . com/watch?v=m5TwT69i1lU
Shattered – www . youtube . com/watch?v=0HUIRLfkU5I
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the characters, nor do I own the songs used. But I hope you enjoy the twisted roller coaster ride I've created. Remember to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times until it comes to a full and complete stop. The crazy plot below, I do own. So please respect.
Part 1, "What a Wonderful World"
"I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world."
It was just an absolutely beautiful, perfect summer day. Crisp and clear, not a cloud in the sky. I'd never been so relaxed in my entire life.
"Ahhhhh, damn it, that feels good," I slurred as the massage therapist pressed her hands into the tense, knotted muscles...kneading and rubbing from my neck to the small of my back. My shoulders were the worst. I suppose sitting at a computer all day will do that to you.
I'd just started a job at a newspaper, well, really the only respectable newspaper in Schaumburg, the Schaumburg Times. I grew up here. It wasn't a huge city, but also not an 'everyone's in your business, nosy neighbor bullshit' kind of town. So of course, being the new girl, I'd gotten the crappy job.
Yes, I got to do research for the real reporters who didn't want to actually do the work, but just wanted to have their name flashing under their fabulous column that I did all the research on. It was alright, though. I was working on a journalism degree at Lake Forest College. Yes, I commuted the damned forty-five minutes, but it was no big deal. It was close to the lake, so sometimes I just went there to chill out after class. In warmer weather, it was a great place to spend some alone time.
Recently, I hadn't really found myself needing that alone time.
Not since I met him.
God, he was absolutely, unbelievably, unequivocally amazing. He really was. I'd never felt anything like this before in my life. There was electricity between us that couldn't be explained with words. When I was near him...nothing else existed. No one was around, and everything was perfect. The planets frickin' aligned or something. It was ridiculous.
I could get lost in this man's eyes, not to mention he was the most beautiful thing on the face of this planet.
He was tall; he was built; his face was...just...I mean...yeah…the sharp jaw, the slight crookedness of his nose, mesmerizing eyes and lips that could do things to me that should never be said out loud. His scent even drew me in. I could never get enough of him. If I didn't think I'd have been strapped in a straight-jacket and hauled off to a padded room, my nose would have been stuck to the man at all times...well...not at all times.
I would sniff him and humped him like a dog in heat every second of the day.
I was that pathetic, yes.
His hair alone was enough to turn me into a stuttering fool, reduced to a pile of goo on the floor. I couldn't look at it without wanting to double-fist it and yank his head back to give me access to his jaw. His voice...good lord, his voice was unbelievable. I could be as mad as the fires of hell, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was all over for me.
I had to stop thinking about him...I was getting a little worked up and that was completely inappropriate while lying on a massage table, getting a professional, full-body massage from another female. Definitely did not swing that way. And if I pretended they were Edward's hands, it made it so much worse.
Hopelessly smitten...that's me.
"Ow! Jeez!" I muttered
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Swan. Sometimes I get a little rougher than I need to when I'm working on a hard one."
I nearly choked, but held it in for a second. As I looked over at Angela, my best friend, whose cheeks were as round as a puffer-fish, eyebrows raised, eyes wide, staring at me...trying to stifle a burst of laughter, I nearly lost it.
Was this chick for real? How could she roll something like that off of her tongue and say it with a straight face? Good Lord...clueless. Maybe I just had a dirty mind. Maybe I shouldn't have been thinking about my way-too sexy boyfriend, while I was half naked...actually very naked...with another woman's hands on me.
My mind then drifted to a recent memory of a particular evening that he'd put together for a "date." It was a picnic, on the beach of Lake Michigan with wine, candles, a wide variety of fruit and other munchies, a blanket spread on the shore...and another one to cover up with.
He was too much. Really, I was starting to wonder if he was too good to be true.
It was just a couple months ago, mid-June, so not too hot, not too cold. But the steam we created that night was probably enough to heat up the entire northern section of the state of Illinois. And this man wanted me...me, scrawny little Bella, with sadly less than a good handful of boobs. No, the boob-fairy apparently passed my ass up when she was handing those things out. Pretty annoying. Nevertheless, he wanted me; I could feel it when he looked at me and touched me.
Oh God, and touch me he did that night. I could still feel the strawberries being run from my mouth down to my knees. He was feeding them to me as we lounged on the blanket and looked up at the stars, listening to the waves as they rolled in and crashed on the rocks on the beach, the seagulls squawking as they flew around before gathering on the beach.
He placed a strawberry on my lips and I parted them, taking the sweet strawberry in my mouth and biting down as I stared into his fiery green eyes. He didn't pull it away from my skin. Instead, he ran it over my bottom lip, over my chin and down my neck, tracing my collarbone as he continued. He guided it over my breasts and circled my nipples excruciatingly slowly, unleashing a moan from my mouth. But he didn't stop there. He moved it down my stomach, circling my belly button and tracing my hip-bones before caressing it alongside of where I wanted him the most. He grazed me torturously, and... holy shit…elicited little sparks of pleasure as he continued down my right thigh to my knee, and then back up, repeating the delicious gesture. I moaned his name as slid the strawberry down my left leg to my knee before popping it in his mouth. He groaned with a teasing smirk on his face as he chewed and swallowed.
Afterward, he placed his tongue – which was talented beyond all logic – on my heated skin and traced it along every bit of the exact trail left by the strawberry. The anticipation nearly killed me and, when he lapped generously at the heated flesh between my legs…I saw stars.
I'd never felt literally faint after an orgasm, but that night I could have died after we came undone together, drenched in sweet sweat, panting and moaning for one another...and I would have been the happiest dead-person on the planet. I could have stayed there with him all night—
"Earth to BELLLLLLLLAAAAAAA!" Angela yanked me from my smoldering memory and I flipped my head over on the cushy pillow to glare at her.
"Damn it, Angela! You just ruined my daydream. What?" I smiled though, because I could never be that pissed at my bestie; I loved her too much.
"Well, excuse the shit out of me. You were humming and I wanted to know what the hell the song was. I want to listen to it. It sounds pretty amazing." She glowered at me.
"Oh, you know..." I smirked. "I'm so awesome that people just write songs for me and shit."
Angela rolled her eyes. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me. He wrote you a song?" I nodded my head, eyebrows raised, still smirking.
"That bastard! Is there anything that boy can't do...and do perfectly? I seriously hate you,Bella!" she said. She stuck her bottom lip out to pout at me.
"Oh whatever, Ang. You're just as in love as I am, so shut it," I said sardonically.
"Well, Tyler's really starting to piss me off. You know, if he looks at another girl and says 'Mmm' under his breath, thinking I can't hear him, I'm gonna rip his damned head off!" She sighed.
"Ang," I gave her a pointed glance. "Nip that shit in the bud. He's just not that...well...smart, so you need to train him on how you need to be treated. Smack him upside that head of his a couple times," I chuckled. "Maybe it would knock some sense into him. You know he loves you. You're amazing, and gorgeous. How could he not? Look at you, I mean, you're kind of turning me on right now." I wiggled my eyebrows up and down, shooting her a toothy grin.
She giggled and stuck her tongue out at me, turning her head around as she moaned from the touch of the masseuse working on her calves. "Oh, girl, you know I love you," she sighed again.
"Not as much as I love you, honey," I said as I turned my head and closed my eyes to drift back into my smutty fantasies of my sexy man, who I hoped was waiting on me at our apartment.
"Hey, make sure you tell that sexy hunk'a muscle of yours that I'm in love with him too, for paying for our relaxing spa day," she mumbled.
"Hmm?" I breathed. "Oh, you know I will, and I'll be thanking him in ways you don't even want to know about later, my dear."
"Uh, TMI, Bella. T – M – I," she giggled.
"Ahhhhhh. Jesus, you ladies should get an award or something for your skills."I groaned. "Good Lord."
"Oh thank you," the masseuse chirped. "Well, we have extensive training." She chuckled, "Would you like me to show some techniques to your boyfriend?"
I pushed myself up onto my elbows, forgetting that I was naked, and then plopped back down with an "umph." My jaw fell open as Angela whipped her head around to glare sharply at my masseuse.
"Uh, no. Believe me, that won't be necessary, sweetie. He already knows how to do it and needs absolutely zero instructions in that department, but thanks anyway," I hissed.
God, Bella, jealous much? Get a grip. She certainly wouldn't be trying to insinuate she wants your boyfriend right in front of you, so chill the hell out.
"Oh, I didn't mean...I meant...so sorry,"she muttered apologetically.
I sighed and mumbled back to her. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bitch sometimes. I should apologize to you. You're doing a great job, um, sorry."
"Oh, it's okay, I shouldn't have said...I'll just shut up now, okay?" she said, and I chuckled...then snorted. Nice. This was what happened to me when I was totally-relaxed and tried to fricking talk.
Angela and I emerged from the spa utterly complaisant and feeling boneless...a couple of blobs all greased up and staggering to my car, our legs now the consistency of Jell-O. Of course, I tipped those girls very well, and they enthusiastically invited us to come back.
Oh yes, my man was definitely getting a proper 'thank you' from me later. After I took a very long rejuvenating nap, of course. Could he get any more amazing? I think not.
Good grief, I wasn't even sure I could drive after that amazing massage, so I just went the short distance to a local coffee shop. We sauntered in to get a fruit-smoothie. Mmm, strawberry for me. I smirked to myself.
"What?" Angela questioned as she quirked an eyebrow at me.
"Oh nothing," I teased and giggled while she glared.
"Damn it, Bella. Could you tear your mind away from your perfect boyfriend for two seconds," she said. She rolled her eyes and wrinkled her face into a mock pout, changing her voice to sound like she was whining. "I mean, I'm a person too."She sniffed dramatically.
"Aw, I'm sorry, baby." I pouted and reached over, rubbing her hand. "I wuv you, punkin', you're my BEE-EFF-EFF forevah and evah!"
And she giggled. I really did love her...like a sister. I honestly didn't know what I would ever do without her. My real sister, Alice, and Angela were my best friends; they knew me inside and out, of course, as I did them.
"Hey!" she blurted. "Are we getting the boat out this weekend? I'm so ready for some sunshine and margaritas!"
"Well, it'll have to be on Sunday. I've got a family thing on Saturday since it's Charlie's birthday," I said, rolling my eyes. "Al has put together this ridiculous, elaborate party at the lodge in Elk Grove Village for him, and I'm sure he's going to be completely out of his element. He'll need some rescuing from yours truly."
As much as Charlie loved the lodge and Elk Grove Village, for that matter, I knew he'd be completely uncomfortable with my sister's idea of a good time.
He grew up there, in Elks, and still lived there. As a matter of fact, he was the Chief of police there. He had been for as long as I could remember. It was only a few miles from Schaumburg, where he moved at the insistence of my Mom, Renee, who couldn't stand the stifling feel of the small town atmosphere.
Elk Grove Village was a fraction of the size of Schaumburg in population, which couldn't necessarily be placed in the 'major city category' itself when compared to Chicago, only thirty miles to the southeast.
Renee left him when I was in middle school, and I got to choose where I wanted to live.
That was fun.
Ultimately, I chose to stay with my dad. I knew it hurt Renee, but she was moving thousands of miles away to Jacksonville. She said she needed the warm weather all year, and it would have been even more traumatic for me, as a twelve year old, to try and adjust to a new state, new climate, and new faces. She understood and arranged as many trips as humanly possible to see me. I usually spent a month in the summer with her, as well as a visit over the holidays every other year. Eventually, I got used to it and, although my mom and I finally developed a great relationship, I was just so much more like my dad.
We just got each other.
Sometimes we didn't even have to talk to understand what was going on in each other's head. It was strange. Don't get me wrong, I loved Renee just the same, but seriously, I could only handle her for brief periods. She was erratic, unpredictable and scatterbrained, but she didn't bullshit and she didn't take bullshit either. I had to respect that.
I'd gotten a double dose of it; Charlie wasn't one to bullshit either.
If it was one thing I couldn't handle, it was being lied to or deceived. I would honestly rather someone tell me to fuck off than have to listen to them pretend to be this way or that.
My sister, Alice on the other hand, was pretty much a clone of our mother. She was a year older than me, but much smaller…tiny-boned big energy and an even bigger attitude. She was always fleeting around and planning this or that. She was like Martha Stewart on crack, but good God, did I love that girl. She also stayed with Charlie and me because she, of course, didn't want to leave her friends either. She always stayed longer with Renee than I did, though. Usually all summer long and anytime we had breaks from school. She was attending the Art Institute in Schaumburg, and majoring in fashion design. Imagine that.
Alice was too damned scatterbrained to focus on any man, but she was always talking about this guy at her school, Jackson or something...he was definitely not into fashion design...maybe art? I wasn't sure, but she wouldn't shut up about him, so I was sure he'd be attached to her hip soon enough.
"Oh, Lord! That sounds like a train-wreck waiting to happen!" Angela snorted. "Well, you're not taking him with you, are you?"
I rolled my eyes. "Um, no Ang, I'll be there to support my father on his birthday, not give him a stress induced heart attack."
It wasn't that Charlie despised my boyfriend as a person; neither did Renee for that matter...because I had pointed conversations with her about him. She was such a hypocrite. I mean,she got married to Phil six months after they met!
They apparently believed I was getting lost in my relationship, and that they were losing their little girl. Give me a break. I was twenty-one years old and pretty sure that what I was experiencing was a bit more than some puppy dog school crush.
Ugh, pissed me off to even think about it.
"I mean, I don't think he hates him or anything, Ang. It's just best to pick my battles with Charlie, if you know what I mean." It didn't sound convincing even to me so I knew Ang wasn't buying it. So much for my no bullshit policy.
She gave me a sympathetic smile and shrugged her shoulders. "He'll come around, honey, just give him some time. Now, let's get the hell out of here and get you back to your sexy stud so you can thank him properly." She smirked. I wadded up my napkin and threw it at her before we discarded our smoothie cups and headed home.
I could barely drag my jelly legs up the stairs to our third floor apartment, but I made it. When I walked in the door, I was met by the sounds of Edward strumming his guitar. My senses were immediately alive, and a slow smile crept across my face. I swear to God, he could kill me in about two seconds flat with that guitar and when he started to sing, it was all over for me.
I stalked slowly down the long entry hall, not wanting to interrupt him and his musical genius, but needing to get to him like I needed air in my lungs. I stopped when I rounded the corner and watched dreamily.
There he was.
Lounging on the sofa, in his worn button-fly Levis and Stoli t-shirt, hair in disarray, barefoot, a slight hint of a five-o'clock-shadow appearing, just strumming chords. Damn. And this man was mine. It was all I could do to not knock the guitar out of his lap and straddle him right there.
I noticed a bottle of Heineken sitting on the coffee table as he brought the palm of his hand up to stop the chord he was strumming. He gazed up at me, greeting me with his crooked grin. I caught my breath and smirked.
"Nice heini," I murmured, already envisioning what I wanted to do to him. He chuckled and moved his guitar to the side of the sofa and stood up to face me. His eyes alight; he cocked his head to the side, the crooked grin now stretched across his cheeks.
"Hmmm...exactly," he crooned and shifted his gaze down, fixing it on my velour track pants. He walked over to me and placed both of his huge hands on my ass cheeks, giving them a quick squeeze. I sucked in a breath and looked up at his liquid emerald eyes, immediately feeling electric warmth engulf me.
"How was your day, baby?" he breathed out his words, and I inhaled deeply, silently, breathing in his scent.
He moved his hands down slightly, and gently lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, hooking my ankles together.
"Oh my God," he groaned. "What the fuck is that smell?" He buried his lips in the crook of my neck as he breathed in and out. I immediately pulled myself back, holding onto his shoulders and studied his face.
"Um, it's...it's oil from the massage," I stammered. I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth and chewed on it nervously, now completely self conscious that I was stinking up the place and he was disgusted. But then I saw his eyes roll back in his head as he inhaled and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I know I need to shower, I feel all blah and gross."
"Is that..." He crooked an eyebrow. "...is that strawberry I smell?" He licked his lips.
Good God in heaven.
I grinned. "Well, Ang and I stopped off at Java Juice for a smoothie and I got a strawberry one, but...um, yes, the oil was strawberry scented. It…" I blushed. "It made me think of you."
Before I knew it, I was shoved up against the wall in the living room; his mouth and tongue were furiously nipping and sucking at the skin on my ears and chin, my neck and finally, collarbone. My breathing became erratic and I let my head fall back to the wall with a soft thud. This time my own eyes rolled back into my head as I closed them.
"Do you know what that scent does to me, Bella?" He looked at me. His eyes were dark and wanton behind hooded lids.
I licked my swollen lips and whispered, "I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that it makes you want to take me in the bedroom right now and pull these sweaty, oily clothes off of me…and…and maybe taste every inch of the strawberry oil covering my skin?" I breathed, looking at him through my lashes.
He moaned and ground his hips into mine, pressing his hardness in just the right spot, and taking my bottom lip in his mouth to suck gently.
"Oh God..." I moaned into this mouth.
I don't know how fast we got into the bedroom, but it was fast. Still not fast enough for me. Never fast enough for me. He devoured my skin with his mouth and tongue as he peeled the track suit off of my body. His hands smoothed their way up and down my oily torso, down to my thighs and further, until they were right where they needed to be. He entered me with one, then two of his fingers and pumped them in and out, in and out repeatedly until I was on the verge of screaming out his name.
"Please don't stop doing that." I panted, but groaned in frustration when he did exactly what I was begging him not to do. I grabbed desperately the beautiful chaos on top of his head as he held himself up by the palms of his hands, grinning.
"Patience," he whispered as he took my mouth in his. Our tongues collided and rolled over one another's, sending little sparks of fire down every nerve in my body. He placed one knee, and then the other between mine until the insides of my thighs were cradling the outside of his. He hovered over me, staring into my eyes with his hypnotizing emeralds. I couldn't stop looking at him as he entered me slowly, fully and completely. An involuntary gasping moan left my lips.
"Oh, Jesus." I breathed. This wasn't our first time, but it was almost always a shock the first moment he buried himself in me. He was…very…well endowed, but fit me perfectly, almost as if we were made to fit together.
Two pieces of a puzzle.
A puzzle that wasn't complete without those pieces.
I came undone not once, but twice in a heated flash of euphoria. The second time, Edward joined me, his thrusts erratic and hurried. He chanted my name and I cried out his as our bodies were taken over by the incredible waves of pleasure. He collapsed next to me on the bed, both of our chests heaving as we came down from our high, Legs still intertwined; we stared into each other's eyes. He smiled slowly, but a faraway look came into in his eyes, catching me off guard. When he blinked, though, they brightened.
"I fucking love you so much, you have no idea." He whispered, running his hands through my sweat-dampened waves.
As if I wasn't already putty in his hands, my insides lit on fire again and began to melt into nothing but goo.
"Well..." I grinned and closed my eyes. "If it's anywhere near the way I feel about you, then this world is in so much trouble."
He responded with a hum as he buried his face in between my shoulder and my ear, steadily breathing in and out. I stroked my fingertips up and down his torso, feeling his muscles tense and relax.
The world was a perfect place.
I didn't want to get up, but decided a shower was definitely necessary. I hummed quietly, washing away the oil and sweat which unfortunately included the smell of him, off of me, but it felt so good to be clean. If I was Jell-O-pudding before I got home, I was the definition of exhaustion now and couldn't wait to curl up on the sofa and listen to him play his guitar. I grinned at the thought of this. I just couldn't help it. My feelings for him were like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was overwhelming.
When I got out of the shower, I threw on some sweats and a t-shirt and plopped on the sofa.
"Hey beautiful." Edward flashed his crooked grin at me.
"Hi." I looked at him, my eyelids feeling heavy. "I think you're sexy ass took every ounce of energy I had left," I said, smiling.
He chuckled and said, "Well, you better get some rest, baby girl, okay? I've got a gig tonight with the guys and I have a gig tonight and I want you to come." I smiled, his buddies Emmett, Jasper and Garrett were in his band and they played at a lot of local bars and clubs. Emmett played the drums, with Jazz and Garrett on guitar and vocals, and my man of course, lead vocals and guitar. I could barely contain myself after seeing him jam at a club and this excited me, but my body wouldn't let me react like the crazy fan girl I was.
"Okay, that sounds like a perfect end to my perfect day." I yawned. He gave me a kiss on the forehead as he slipped out from under me, gently placed my head on one of the sofa pillows and headed off to the shower. I closed my eyes and began to drift.
I heard his cell ring, which was lying on the bar between the kitchen and the living room...the familiar sound of Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World was playing. I remembered when he added it as his main ring-tone to his phone and how he'd said that the song made him think of us; that this was how he felt when he was around me.
God, this man killed me.
Part 2: "Shattered"
"Yesterday I died; tomorrow's bleeding; fall into your sunlight,
The future's open wide beyond believing, to know why hope dies,
And losing what was found, a world so hollow; suspended in a compromise,
But the silence of this sound is soon to follow; somehow, sundown,
And finding answers is forgetting all of the questions we called home,
Passing the graves of the unknown,
As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading; illusions of the sunlight,
A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting; with love gone for so long,
And this day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know,
Knowing that faith is all I hold,
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand…why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love,
Without; love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on…but I know, all I know is that the end's beginning,
Who I am, from the start; take me home to my heart…let me go and I will run; I will not be silent
All this time, spent in vain; wasted years, wasted gain…all is lost, but hope remains, and this war's not over,
There's a light, there's a sun, taking all these shattered ones…to a place we belong and his love will conquer all,
Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding; fall into your sunlight."
His damned ringing phone pulled me from my half-sleep state. I loved the song, but, for the love of God, Louis Armstrong was about to drive me insane. The world was not so wonderful when I was disturbed from a much needed nap. When it rang again, I pulled myself off the sofa and sauntered over to the counter to see who was blowing it up. It stopped ringing as I reached it, but less than two seconds later, it rang again. I picked it up, but didn't answer it. "Vic" was the only name that came across the screen.
Who is Vic? I thought. He'd never mentioned anyone by that name to me before.
Was Vic a man or a woman? Was it someone from his work? Maybe they needed him to come in or something. I wasn't about to answer it when I thought of that. There was no way I was going to let him go into work when he had a gig and I could hear that velvet voice of his crooning me into oblivion. No way, no how.
Then it dawned on me that maybe it was the manager of the club needing to change something. So I flipped open the phone and hit redial.
I heard the phone click as if someone was answering and sucked in a breath to start talking. A friendly greeting was on the verge of leaving my lips until I heard the voice on the other end of the line, and my words caught in my throat.
"I'm wet for you, baby," said the sultry female voice. "I've been thinking about that fat cock of yours all day...about how much I want to put it back in my mouth, and how much I want it back inside of me." I heard her high-pitched laughter as she continued. "Maybe I could sit on your face this time. Would you like that, sexy?" She paused, apparently expecting an answer.
I couldn't speak. I was confused.
"Wha...who...who the hell is this?" I stammered. "I think you probably have the wrong number."
"Hello?" I spat out. Now I was getting fucking pissed at the crank caller. "HE—LLO!"
"Hmm," she continued finally, giggling. "Not exactly who I was expecting."
"And just who the fuck were you expecting to talk to at this number?" I was now seething, wishing I had this little bitch in front of my face so I could kick her ass. Probably some fourteen-year-old, thinking she was hot shit. However, she certainly didn't sound like a fourteen-year-old.
"Oh, well," she said, musically. "I was just wanting to talk to the sexy man I fucked all night the other night. I think his name is Edward...Cullen to be exact. Bella, I presume." She paused long enough for her words to register, and when she heard my audible gasp, she continued. "So...is he home?"
I was silent.
My whole body went numb, and I could no longer feel the phone I was holding in my hand.
The trembling began at my head and didn't stop until my entire body was convulsing. I felt like I was going to throw up. I shook my head back and forth trying to forget the words that just had come out of this...this person's mouth, but they just kept ringing in my ears.
"Who...who is this?" I stumbled on my words. I didn't really want to know, but I had to. Now, I had to know.
"Ha!" The bitch laughed out loud. "This is Victoria, sweetie, and I made your manvery, very happy the other night."
I could feel myself begin to hyperventilate, but at the same time, I couldn't breathe. My mind was going a thousand miles per second, and I was trying to tell myself over and over that I was dreaming. I blinked my eyes repeatedly and continued to shake my head. When I finally realized that I was, in fact, wide awake...that this was not some fucked up nightmare I had concocted out of my jealous mind, I felt the heat rush to my head. My ears felt like they had caught fire and they began to ring.
This Victoria bitch kept talking.
She blathered on and on about the gig where she saw Edward, and how hot he looked. How she bought him some drinks afterward. She wouldn't shut the fuck up. She went on, divulging every detail about their night together. How she had taken him back to her place afterward. She just kept talking about how she'd put his big dick in her mouth, and swallowed when he came in it...how she straddled him, and how he cried out when she made him come again.
I couldn't listen to it anymore.I felt the room begin to spin. I grabbed the counter with my free hand and tried to hold myself up for support because my knees were giving out on me. My other hand was shaking so badly I could barely hold the phone to my ear. Then I started to feel the angry tears well up in my eyes.
No...no, no, no, no, no, no! This couldn't be happening. It was a joke. A…a trick. She was fucking with me. There was no way that he could...how could he...no, NO! He was not that guy. He wouldn't...why would he?
And then it hit me.
The weekend before, he had a gig that I couldn't attend because I had made plans to go to the movies with Ang and Alice. I had called him after the movie was over and told him we were going to hang out at Taylor's, a local pub, for some drinks. I had asked him to join us, but he said the guys were going to head back to Jazz's house and chill, maybe watch sports or something. I didn't get home until three a.m. the next morning because the girls and I were having so much fun and I lost track of time. I remembered feeling like such a bitch. Hoping he wasn't going to be mad, I sneaked into the apartment and quietly went into the bedroom where I found him passed out in bed. The next day, his car was missing and he told me he'd gotten shit-faced at Jazz's, and Emmett had brought him home. When I offered to take him to get it, he told me he'd already talked to Jazz, who was going to come pick him up and take him to get it. I didn't question him further. I didn't think anything about it.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't get it to stop. If I had access to drugs at this point, I would've taken them to escape what was unfolding in front of me.
Her name kept running through my head. I knew her from somewhere. Her name sounded so familiar.
My knees really did give out that time and I slid on my back down the side of the breakfast bar, until I reached the floor.
I did know her. I knew…of her. She was a girl...a girl that he had introduced me to at La Push Club, where he and the guys had played one night. He said he had known her from a few years back. He used to work with her when he was bussing tables at some old bar. She was a server. He told me how much of a slut she was and how she'd fucked every guy that worked there, except him. I remembered how she had just reeked of cheap whore; how even though she was hot, she somehow seemed dirty. She was there with a guy. I couldn't think of his name. Mar...Mark? Marcus. That was it. It was Marcus. If I remembered correctly, he gave me the creeps. He looked like some sort of pimp or something.
I fucking felt sick again. How could he fucking do this to me?
I knew it.
I knew that it was too good to be true. I knew he was too beautiful to really want me. Really love me. God, how could I have been so stupid?
I chastised myself. Then, I tried to convince myself again to believe this bitch was fucking with me, because I couldn't fathom the possibility that she was telling the truth.
"Hmm, well darling," she taunted. "Maybe the three of us could hang out sometime, huh? Oh, and tell Mr. Edward that I really would love to talk to him. I know you'll pass on the message, won't you, love?"
You've got to be fucking kidding me right now.
And just like that, the rage took over.
"You fucking listen to me, BITCH!" I seethed. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, calling my boyfriend, but your fucking nothing...nothing, do you HEAR me? You're a nasty two-bit fucking whore and I'm sure that Edward would want NOTHING to do with you. You're probably fucking crawling with disease. If you ever...ever call this number again, I will come to whatever gutter hole you're living in and I will bash your head in, you nasty skank! He actually told me what a fucking whore you are, did you know that, slut? He told me. So you can go fuck yourself, but that's probably what you do twenty times a day anyway. I mean it! Do not fucking call him again, or I will beat your ass until you won't even know your goddamned name!" At that point, I was screaming, shaking, losing control.
I flipped his phone shut and stared at the wall in front of me. My mind was going back and forth, back and forth between believing what I'd heard and refusing to believe it. I felt more and more nauseous by the minute. As soon as I could calm myself down, the anxiety crept right back in and I was back to hyperventilating.
I heard the shower turn off and I held my breath. My God, what was I going to say to him? Was I supposed to just let him find the missed calls on his phone? I knew he'd see that her number had been called back, I was sure of it. Was I strong enough to confront him? I didn't know what the hell to do. I sat there for no less than ten minutes, waiting with bated breath...wishing I could forget the whole exchange that had just taken place.
But I couldn't.
He came out and walked down the hallway, whistling the tune to Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World," and I lost it. I couldn't stop the tears that were now overflowing my eyelids and spilling, one after another, after another onto my cheeks. I sucked in another breath and choked out because I couldn't hold it anymore. My body was heaving with sobs and I was slipping more and more out of control.
"Bella!"He ran to where I was sitting on the floor.
"Oh my God, Bella! Are you okay?Baby, what's the matter? What happened? Are you hurt?" He was running his hands over my head and down my arms. His eyes were frantic as they darted all around my body, looking for something that might have hurt me. He looked at the counter above my head and back down at me. Placing his forefinger under my chin, he pulled my head up to face him.
"Baby, talk to me. Tell me what happened."His eyes were pleading, his face riddled with worry as he looked me over.
"Look at me, Bella,"he begged. I shifted my tear-filled eyes up to him.
At that same moment, I held his phone up to him. I flipped it open and went to the missed calls section. I watched his face as it went from confusion to recognition, his pupils dilating suddenly. His eyes widened before he sucked in a breath and squeezed them shut.
In that very instant, I knew the answer to the truth I was seeking. His reaction spoke volumes and I was once again sick to my stomach. But then something strange happened. The tears vanished. Once I knew the truth, there was no more confusion, no more panic or anxiety.
The only thing I felt at that moment was pure, unadulterated rage.
"Shut up,"I muttered without emotion, interrupting him. I was trying my best to hide my feelings from him.
"Who the fuck is she, Edward?" I asked, even though I already knew. I was staring at the wall again in front of me, my voice hollow and monotone.
"Baby, she's no one, y—you met her once, but she's nothing, it's not what you—"
"Don't call me baby,"I whispered, interrupting him again, then shook my head. "Not if it's true."
"Not if what's true? Bella, we…we exchanged numbers one night. That's all. There's no reason for you to be so upset— "
I snatched the phone back out of his hands and went to out-going calls. I highlighted the call I'd made while he was in the shower and handed it back to him. He looked at it, and then back at me, furrowing his brow.
"I thought maybe it was the club-manager for your gig tonight. I thought maybe they needed to change plans or something. So I called the number to get the information for you, since you were in the shower. It…it wasn't the club manager, Edward! I mean, how unprofessional would it be for the first thing out of HER mouth to be how much she wanted your huge COCK inside her...again. Don't you think that would be rather unprofessional, Edward?"I was glaring now and I could feel the heat again, creeping up my face. I could feel my ears starting to ring. My breathing started to increase and I knew the rage was winning the battle against the restraint that I was desperately holding on to. I could feel it in every inch of my arms and legs, in my stomach.
"Oh...oh...my...God," he whispered to himself. He looked down, closed his eyes, and ran his hands through his hair. "Bella...I...I...don't—"
"You don't what, Edward? You don't know what to say to get your sorry ass out of this?"
"Bella, it was nothing, really. It was nothing, please..."
"Nothing?" I spat. "Nothing? Really? Really, Edward? Becausewhat I was told in the ten-minute mother-FUCKING conversation I just had with her, did not sound like your little encounter was NOTHING!"
And the beast was out. A full-fledged fire-breathing demon-complete with horns. At that moment, I wished that I actually had lasers I could shoot from my eyes.
"She told me everything, Edward, everything. Is she a liar? Just fucking tell me she's a liar and I'll believe you. You know it's what I want to hear, so tell me, is she a liar?" He was just looking at me, eyes filled with pain…or remorse, shaking his head. "Edward! Tell me the fucking TRUTH!"I screamed at him.
I started shaking as the tears came back with a vengeance. Goddamn it, I was such a pathetic loser and I was so mad at myself for letting them flow. My body took over my common sense at that point and the quiet tears soon turned back into the suffocating sobs that choked me.
"Bella...oh God, please, please don't do this, please."His voice shook as he ran both of his hands through his hair.
God, he looked beautiful. He looked so sorry and so sad. He looked so amazing, and it hurt so much. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back and hit the wood of the bar. I felt the pain, but I didn't care. Physical pain, at that point, was better than the tear in my heart which was slowly ripping itself into a gaping hole.
"Please..." I choked. "Please, Edward, I just need to know the truth. How...how could you do this to me, Edward? Is that what...who you want? Was it worth all this? Was it worth it, Edward? I...I can't do this."My words deceived my true feelings as I stifled my sobs and shook my head. I swallowed the massive lump that had taken up residence in the center of my throat and took a deep breath.
"I can't be with you if you did this, do you understand that...I…I can't..." Another sob escaped me. "I just can't..."
"No...no, I don't want her. Bella, please, you have to believe me. I don't want her. She's nothing to me...you, you're my life, Bella."He clenched his jaw. I saw a tear escape one of his eyes and trail its way down his cheek. I wanted so fucking badly to get up and wipe it away. I wanted to kiss the trail it made down his cheek. God, I wanted it so badly.
"I'm so fucking sorry, Bella. I—I just don't know what to say, what to do. Jesus, I'm just so fucking sorry. Please, Bella...please, say something."
He was talking slowly, methodically, and I could tell he was trying not to break down. At that point, I did stand up and my eyes darted around the kitchen for my purse. He tried to come to me. He reached his arms out and tried to hold on to me, but I put both of my hands on his chest and shoved him as hard as I could. He took a step backward, his eyes pleading, staring at me with angst, shame and devastation.
"I...I have to leave,"I stammered. "I can't be here anymore...I have to leave."
He sighed and shook his head, clenching his jaw as he spoke quietly. "Please...please don't do this, Bella."
"I have to, Edward. I won't be the girl that loses her dignity by staying with her cheating boyfriend, Edward. I…I just can't do it. I'll be at Angela's." I paused, allowing myself a moment to feel the wave of shock that was washing over my body. Shock at the fact that I was actually walking away from the man I loved more than my own life. Before I left, I turned one more time to him and choked out my words.
"I'll be back tomorrow to get my things. Please don't be home, Edward."
I walked to the door, grabbed the knob and pulled it open. He put the palm of his hand over my head and pushed it shut.
I didn't speak.
"Please, stay and talk to me.
I just couldn't speak.
"Please," he pleaded.
I shook my head and clenched my teeth. "No. There's nothing more to talk about, Edward. Now, please move your hand. I...I have to go."
He stared at me for a moment, devastation clouding his beautiful green eyes. Reluctantly, he moved his hand. I flung the door open, walked out and slammed it behind me.
I couldn't even call Angela on the way to her house. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I was numb all over and I was in shock from the events that had just taken place. My mind was devoid of anything and everything. My body was completely numb. There was just nothingness. I nearly blew through at least two red lights because I couldn't focus. The blaring honks of the other cars on the road were the only things to bring me back to life, briefly.
I knocked on her door, vaguely noticing that my muscles were so exhausted, it took all I had to just raise my arm up to do so. As soon as she opened the door, her mouth fell open. She took in my expression, my ragged appearance, noted the red blotches that covered my face and my blood-shot eyes.
"Bella? Bella, my God, what happened?" she asked, her brow arching in confusion.
I shook my head and opened my mouth to talk, but nothing came out. I walked past her into the living room and dropped my purse on the floor next to my feet, raised my head up to look at her, and shook it again.
"Bella, what are you doing here. Why aren't you at home...with..."
"Th—there was a gig...he had a gig...and she was there...he saw her there. It…it was after..." I stammered. My voice sounded far away. I didn't even recognize it as my own.
"Bella, look at me." I hadn't realized I'd closed my eyes, but I did as she asked, looking at her with a blank and empty stare.
"A gig? She? Who's she?' What? Bella," she sighed. "Sweetie, what the hell is going on? Why aren't you home? Why aren't you home with Edward having a sex-fest for the spa day he gave us?"
As soon as she said his name the emotion crashed into me like violent waves on a rocky shore, and my face burst into flames. My eyes blurred from the tears that swallowed them, and then exploded over my lids, splattering onto my cheeks and down to my shirt. She ran over to me and held my face in her hands.
"He fu—fucked her, Ang!"I blurted out, choking on my words, shaking my head and shifting my eyes to the floor.
"What?" she shrieked as she stepped back, keeping her hands in place on my cheeks and gently pulling my head up to look at her. "Who? Who fucked her and who is her? Bella, what are you talking about?"
"Edward. Edward fucked her. Victoria...the redhead from the club…when he had that gig ...he fucking had sex with her...the…the night we went to the movies...and to Taylor's Pub."I kept shaking my head as I choked out the words that I didn't want to believe were true. But, I knew they were true. It was my worst nightmare. My life was over. My world was crashing into a thousand pieces all around me as I stood and watched it. I could do nothing about it. Nothing at all.
"Oh my God."She shook her head. "No way, no way he could do that to you, Bella, there's no way. Why...what the fuck...how could..." she questioned as her eyes darted all around. She seemed to be trying to will a perfect answer to appear, just as I wished I could.
The sobs escaped me now and I couldn't hold back anymore. I let my devastation take hold of me, throwing my arms around Angela and burying my head in her shoulder. My chest was heaving with the sobs that were breaking me in two. I cried into her shoulder, my words muffled and incoherent.
"I don't know what to do, Ang. What do I do? He said he was so sorry. He said he didn't want her. He begged me to stay. How can I? How can I do that to myself? How could he do this to me? I'm lost. I'm lost without him. I don't even know who I am without him." I took a ragged breath. "I c—can't just stay with him, I'd be a fucking moron. Oh, God! How could I be such a stupid fucking idiot, Angela? How could I be?"
"Stop it, Bella!" she blurted. "You are not a stupid fucking idiot! He's the stupid fucking idiot. He just ruined everything! Oh, Jesus, honey, I'm so...God, I'm so sorry!" She started to cry with me, both of us clinging to one another, and I couldn't...I just couldn't stay there. I had to get away. I had to go away. I had to go somewhere that I could try to think. I just had to go.
"I...I have to go,"I muttered, and tore myself away from her, grabbing my purse and propelling myself toward the door.
"Bella, wait! Where are you going?"she yelled. I heard her phone begin to ring as I grabbed the door knob.
"I...I'm going to the beach, Ang. I have to think and I can't think anywhere but the beach. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine,"I mumbled rapidly as I threw the door open and tore through the yard toward my car.
Angela ran after me and flung the door open just before I was shutting my car door
"WAIT! BELLA WAIT! You shouldn't be going anywhere alone!" she yelled frantically. She had the phone in her hand and I heard her say, "I think she said she's headed to the beach. I don't know. She doesn't seem okay to me. Fuck if I know! She's a mess, Ja—"
I slammed the door of my car and sped off...to find my peace.
I sat on the beach, running my hands through the sand, staring at the waves crashing in and pulling back out toward the lake. It looked like the ocean, so vast. Kind of like the whole where my heart had been. I was numb, void of feeling, just staring and trying to clear my mind rather than think...like I had told Angela I was going to do.
I heard footsteps digging through the sand, coming up behind me, but I didn't turn around. Whoever the fuck it was could just keep walking. I was in no mood to pretend to be sociable right now. I felt a presence veer to my right, just before I felt the sand move next to me. Whoever it was, sat down a couple feet from me and I turned my head to look.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
"What do you want?"I spat
"Are you okay?"he asked. I pressed my lips together in a hard line.
"I'm fine. I thought I was going to be able to sit here by myself for a while and fucking think, but apparently not. What the hell do I have to do to get some alone time around here?"I was spewing emotional vomit and I knew it...being a complete bitch and I didn't feel bad about it. I couldn't. I wanted to fucking be alone, could no one understand this? For all I cared, I could've lived on the damned beach for the rest of my pathetic life and licked my wounds. At that moment, I just didn't give a shit anymore.
I was dead.
I just didn't care.
"I, well, I just thought I could help. Uh, I thought maybe you could use a friend,"he said in a low, careful tone.
I chuckled, dead and emotionless. "Well, I'd hardly call you my friend, and no, I don't think you can help. At all."
"Bella. I know what he did..."
I cut him off.
"I don't really give a shit what you think you know, but you sure as hell don't know me very well, so please..." I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to control the bitch raging inside me. "Please, just leave me alone."
More than a year later, I sat on the pew in the huge makeshift dressing room, staring at myself in a full-length mirror. I'd asked Renee and the girls to give me a few minutes alone to think before it was time. So there I sat with ruffles and chiffon, faux pearls and sequins spilling all around me in a sea of white.
There was a light knock on the door and I heard it creak open.
I looked over and smiled. It was Alice.
"Hey, sis." I sighed.
"Hey, baby-sis. Can I come in for a minute? It's almost time and I wanted a minute with you before, um..." Her face was a conflict of emotions.
Wonderful. I thought. Now my sister's getting all weepy. I already had to deal with Renee's meltdown earlier and if Alice makes my makeup run, I'm going kick her ass before she walks down the aisle ahead of me.
"Sure, Al, get your butt in here." I grinned.
She came over and sat next to me. She glanced in the mirror and sighed before looking back at me, her eyes suddenly misty.
Here come the water works.
"Jeez, Bella, you're so beautiful. Are you sure we're actually related?" She furrowed her brow with a sad grin.
"Oh, shut up, Miss fashion queen. You know you're a hot bitch. I don't even want to hear that." I rolled my eyes and she busted out a giggle. But then her expression turned serious.
"Bella, I wanted to talk to you. I think you need to...well, I don't think you dealt with...before you move on...you need to talk about..."
My playful grin turned to stone-cold granite and I suddenly felt sick.
"No. Alice, what the hell are you doing? I'm about five fucking minutes away from getting married and you want to talk about this shit right now? No."
"But, Bella, I just don't think you got over..."
"Enough, Alice!"I grit my teeth."Just don't. I can't do this right now, Alice. Jesus Christ. I'm happy, okay?I'm happy. Stop worrying about me. End of discussion, alright?"
"Okay, sweetie. I'm sorry. You're right and I…I don't even know what my dumb ass was thinking." She sighed and smiled. "Now come on, it's time. Let's get you down that aisle."
As I paced down the aisle, I held my head as high as possible and plastered a smile on my face, trying to swallow away the shreds of doubt that were beginning to strangle me. Charlie was on my arm, beaming and grinning like a goof ball, which elicited an eye roll and a nervous giggle from me.
I stared at him the entire way down the aisle and felt a wave of relief when I reached the alter without tripping on my massive dress and falling on my face.
Then it began, and I felt a sea of emotion submerge me and pull me under. I looked into his eyes and felt a sense of calm. Peace. I was happy. I was going to be happy. So I took in a deep breath and blew it out, slowly and steadily.
"I do," he said, gazing down at me with his eyes full of light.
The attention was then turned to me, and I fought to gain control of my emotions.
"Bella, please repeat after me," I heard the minister say.
I swallowed, and looked at the man who, in the next few minutes, would be my husband. And as I repeated the words that the minister had spoken, the only thing I could hear was a ringing in my ears and a very…very faint voice, begging me to stop.
"I Bella...take you..."
*Chapter End Notes: Well, there you have it! The beginning…possibly the beginning of the end? We shall see. Reviews are love, and thank you so much for reading.