The Author – Hi people. Twilight is not mine and I don't make money with them.
Bella Swan, Pregnant and Furious
Bella was pregnant. The baby already had eight months and her belly was big. Edward Cullen impregnate her and went to hunt werewolves, letting Bella inside a baby clothes shop to choose the trousseau for the will be born. But the clothes were all very shitty. Bella was upset because nothing was her taste. The baby would be very badly dressed if she brings something so horrible. So she went to another clothes shop across the street. But that shop was strange, full of chinese symbols and gargoyles in the front building. She entered. And the door closed behind her:
"BAM!!!" and Bella looked around and only torches were illuminating the place.
"Oh no! They trapped me!" shouted Bella, looking for an exit. A voice in the shadows them talked:
"...I'll eat your babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...."
Bella got very freightened. No, that can't happen. It will be the end, the life will have no meaning anymore. So she decide. Bella squat on the ground and made a pentagram around herself with a chalk that was in her pocket. She them started to evoke the prince of darkness, Satan itself!
Fire and brimstone started to twirl in the room and the time around her stopped. And BAM!!! From the bottoms of hell the devil appeared:
"Bella. You invoked me. What do you want?"
"I want to be saved Satan...they gonna kill my baby!"
"Saved? Why don't you call the God?"
"Because I'm dating a vampire and a child of evil is inside my uterus!"
"I see...a deal with the devil condemns the soul...are you prepared to suffers the consequences?"
"Yes! Bring me the pain!"
And devil opened his palm, put it on her forehead and transfered a bit of his power to her.
"Now Bella, when you die, your baby soul will be mine!!! MUAHAHAHAH!!!"
Bella looked in awe, feeling cheated:
"You said you would take my soul!!"
Devil sneered and said:
"Fuck you!!! AHAHAHAHAH!!! " and BROM! Devil returned to hell. Bella put her hand on her belly and felt an idiot, but she must save the baby for now. The time returned to it's normal pace, and a band of thousands ninjas appeared in the room:
"Bella, Bella, Bella...give me the unborn and go away, so we can savour his baby boneeeees!" said the leader ninja.
"Never, you have to eat me first!" said Bella, as she charges in the ninja direction. She them jumps on his shoulders and do a backflip on the air, grabbing a chandelier.
"Now ninjas, fell the wrath of a preggo!!!!" and Bella jumps from the chandelier and kicks the ninja in the face.
"AHHHHH!!" he is thrown away. The other ninjas wield their weapons and charge in Bella's direction. They start to slash the swords, but she deflects them with kicks. But there are too many, so she do a spinning kick, throwing all of them on the ground. The only way to escape is deep inside the evil baby clothes shop, because the front door is locked, so she goes in and goes down the stairs. The maniac ninjas start to follow her throwing shurinkens, but she dodges and pick some of them in the air.
"Oh, a strange mirror!" Bella says, "I think it's a portal, I shall enter and free myself from these scums!" and Bella enters the portal mirror. But the ninjas are still chasing her, and they enter in the mirror too. The mirror transports Bella to a harbour, were pirates drink and sleep with whores.
A pirate sees Bella and shout:
"Look! A pregnant! Let's fuck her while the baby is inside!" and a mob of thousands of pirates, swinging swords starts to chase Bella.
"Oh my God! The pirates are chasing me! I must escape or I'll be raped!" and Bella throw shurikes at the pirates, hitting some of them in the head. The pirates hit by shurikens them explodes in a thousand ribs splashing blood all over the sea and the docks. But the other pirates are vicious and continues the chase.
However, the ninjas appears from the magical mirror and see the pirates:
"Look!" shout the ninja leader, "Pirates! Let's disembowel these bastards and serve them to our pet bulls!" and the ninjas charge in the pirates direction. The pirates them pull their guns from their belts and start to shoot ninjas, killing many.
"Dirty sailors!" shout the pirate leader, "Kill the ninjas and serve them as octopuss dinner!" and the slaying and beheading continues between the dirty and scoudrels. Bella is throwing shurinkens all over the directions and them, she steal a pirate sword and cut the pirates and ninjas in half.
However, a bubbling starts to form in the water. "It's the KRAKEN!!!!!" shouts everyone, and it's hundred tentacles starts to grab ninjas and pirates. One of the tentacles try to grab Bella, but she fights back cutting and thrusting her sword at the gargantuous monster. Whilst a tentacle is fighting with her, another one creep behind her and grabs her:
"Let me go your giant piece of rotten tuna!!!!" shouts Bella, but the Kraken is evil so he moves his tentacle in it's mouth, swallowing Bella as a whole. Bella slips on the Kraken's tongue and starts to fall inside to his stomach, that is some miles aways from his mouth. A lot of pirates and ninjas are being swalloed too, but they keep fighting while they skitter inside the monster. Bella sees herself surrounded by a pirate and a ninja while slipping down the Kraken's trachea, but with great skill she fights the two of them, one with the right hand and the other with the left. Pirate is stinky and his sword is rusty. The ninja have a katana full of flowers and garlic. Bella keeps defending and attacking when, with a great dexterity, she drill a hole in their skulls. She them picks their weapons and keep fighting he others. But them, she and the bunch of scum and villany arrives at the bottom of the Kraken belly, falling like thousands of ants inside an anteaters stomach.
Kraken corrodent juices starts to flow in to digest the people, but there is a giant vessel, a vessel from India nation inside Kraken belly, so Bella and pirates and ninjas go inside to not be corroded by acid. As the belly fills with juice, the giant ship starts to float and the fight continues. But with all that noise, a bunch of hindu zombies residing inside the ship awakes. They invoke the power of Shiva and start to throw flame balls at the ninjas and pirates and Bella. Ninjas get toasted and pirates get burned, but Bella deflects the flame bolts with her ninja katana and pirate rusty tetanic sword. She them slash and cuts and dismember a lot of zombies, killing ninjas and pirates too. But the fire thrown by zombies inside Kraken's belly irritates him, and he starts to fell bad.
As the fight ensues, the Kraken can't stand anymore irritation in his stomach, because he have ulcers, and he sneezes the ship full of people and undead out of his body with a giant splash of cattarh. The ship them flies over the skies because it has giant angel wings, because it was a present from God to Leonardo da Vinci. However, the indian hindu zombies stole the ship and it never reached it's destiny. But with so much jinx the zombies and ship got swallowed by Kraken. Now they are free, but God is not happy. He sees from the heavens the flying ship with zombies and pirates and ninjas and Bella, so He decides to recover his big treasure, sending thousands and thousands of angels.
The angels them start to go down, diving with their wings and attacking with swords and arrows and bows all the people fighting in the vessel. Ninjas shoot shurinkens in angels. Pirates shoots them with guns. Zombies eat their brains and Bella cut their wings off with her two swords. She them pick one pair of wings of an angel and puts on her back, so she starts to fly and fight with the angels in the air. The angels are furious and shout:
"You earthly garbage!!!!! Die by our fucking holy swords!!!" and they cut a lot of people, but get killed very fast because they don't have armor. The ship is entering the stratosphere, the air gets rarified, the sky turns black and the stars can be seen, as the ship starts to get engulfed in flames, but it has divine power, so no one gets burned. But the giant flaming ball the ship got transformed in call the attention of a bunch of insectoid aliens in a space ship flying above earth. The insectoid alien commander says:
"Look!!! A flying-covered-in-fire-forged-by-God ship! This shall be mine!" so the aliens enter the earth atmosphere and start to shoot the ship. The ship gets hit by the laser and a bunch of pirates and ninjas and zombies and angels and Bella take control of the ships cannons and start to shoot miracle-covered cannonballs on the insectoid alien spaceship. The spaceship conterattacks shooting photon lasers but the ship counter-counterattacks shooting pirates and ninjas and zombies and angels and Bella at it. Bella whack on the spaceship hull and a few of her ribs get broken. But nverthless she tries to rip the hull open to enter the spaceship and kill aliens. But a lot of cannonballs and people and undead are getting fired from the ship on the spaceship so she must dodge and slash them at the same time.
Insectoid aliens get out of the airship and engage in hand-to-hand combat with their razor blade arms. But with all the shooting the spaceship and the ship collides and they start to fall into earth atmosphere. With the tremendous speed they enter, they reach the speed of light and a worm hole opens, transporting them in the past. The ships gets out of the portal and fall in the middle of Berlin, were thousands and thousands of nazi soldiers are reunited. Hitler sees the ship and orders the nazis to take the two ship over, to kill Russia. Nazi fire at the angels, who slashes zombies, who eat pirates, who destroy ninjas, who behead aliens, who cut nazis, who shoots at Bella.
Bella manage to charge in the nazis direction cutting a lot in half and spilling blood all over Germany. Hitler shouts and shouts more so the soldiers do what he wants. Bella them finds Hitler. Hitler picks his Giant-Gatling-fifty-foot-tall-Mecha and enter inside it, and starts to shoot sword bullets at Bella. She jumps dodging and throws shurinkens at Hitler, but his Mecha has a good shield, so nothing happens. Hitler them picks a bunch of angels and throw at Bella. She cuts them in half and charges at Hitler's mecha direction. Hitler picks ninjas and pirates and throw them again, but Bella cuts them too. She them jumps fity feet in the air and starts to throw all the swords, arrows, bows and zombie body parts she found on the ground at Hitler. Hitler's Mecha tries to cover, but there are too much things hitting flies back to the ground and picks four nazi guns from nazi bodies and go to heaven again and shoots at Hitler's command's cabin. The Mecha starts to shatter with so much bullet impact, and starts to fail.
Bella them throws the nazi weapons aways and unsheate her two swords. She flies high in the sky. Shem the nose dive with a thousand meters per seconds speed, charging her infernal power and embeding them in the swords. The swords start to glow and burns in flames and lighting bolts and with a final blow, she cuts Hitler's Mecha in half. The Mecha explodes KABRUMMMMMMMHHHHHGHHHHH!!!!!!", killing a lot of zombies and nazis and angels and pirates and ninjas and insectoid aliens.
But it could not happen. A time paradox open in the space-time continuum because Hitle is dead, and demons from the hell start to spread all over the earth. The Satan itself appears before Bella's eyes and talks:
"Look what you did you bitch! You are destroing the universe! The time is contracting in itself 'till a black hole engulfs the existence transforming ourselves it a puddle of nothingness and void!"
"It's you fault Satan!!!" shouts Bella, "You messed with my baby!" and Satan and Bella starts a duel where the fate of the universe is at stake. Satan shoots fire from his eyes, but Bella absorbs them with her swords. She them spurt balls of flame on Satan and hits his shoulder:
"AHHHHH! You whore, I gonna eat your soul 'till you lick my ass!!!!" and Satan opens a hole in the space sucking Bella's weapons in:
"Now you are bare handed Bella!" says Satan, "I'll smash your face like a rotten worms puke!!!" an Satan deals a blow on Bwlla's face, disjointing her jaw.
"AAARRRRGHHHH!" shouts Bella. She stops, breath and reset herself. She picks her jaw with both hands, and with a twist, "CRACK!!!" , put it into it's place.
"Satan" says Bella, "A woman doesn't need weapons, a woman have it's NAAAAAAILS!!!!!" and Bella starts to scratch Satan's face, overspreading gallons of blood all over the planet. She scratches and cuts and rips Satan's faces with such fury her eyes turned red like the flames of hell and her belly started to pulsate, as her unborn sons is vibrating at his mom blows.
The time is getting more and more compressed and soldiers from all eras and aliens from all planets are fighting against one another. The ground exists no more and the heavens turned into flames. Bolts of lighting crosses in all directions, hitting everyone in its path. Nazis are flying in the air shooting bullets at persian soldiers, who shoots lances at them, and big roman elephants eat eskimos, who cut and destroy indians and vikings. But Bella is still fighting:
"Bella, your are strong, but I am the fucking DEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!" and Devil puches Bella's belly with such a strong blow, she spurt her bowels out of her throat. Bella see all this and blood come out of her mouth. She says coughing:
"No...my son... he needs me!!!"
"MUAHAHAHAH!!!!!" laughs Satan, "no one can save you!!!!"
But a voice that shakes all the universe starts to speak, resonanting in the ears of all the people and non people in the space:
"BEEEEEEEELLAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I am God, and you must destroy Sataaaaaaaaan!" says God with thunderous voice.
Bella looks the non sky and she sees God:
"God!!! I can't, Satan is killing me!!!"
"No Bella...Satan can't kill you, because I am at your side!!!" and God waves His hands, throwing a big power at Bella. Bella's bowels start to grow again, and she feels her musccles grow in size and power. Her veins are pumping adrenalin and her eyes are angry:
"Thanks God! Now, it's the mammy payback time!!!" and Bella strikes blow after blow in Satan's belly. He starts to spurt bowels, heart, lungs and kidney from his mouth. Bella picks his teeth and with a flying kick, crumble them in a million of pieces. Satan is now toothless and organ-less, and Satan says:
"Bella, you made a pact, you owe me your soul!" coughing blood and trembling with pain.
"Yes Satan!" cries out loud Bella, "fell my soul in your ASS!!!!!" and Bella picks a passing lighting bolt and shoves it in Satan's ass, exploding him in a trillion of pieces all over the universe. His blood reaches the time space continuum, and everything starts to goes back to the normality. The earth recomposes itself, the heavens turn existent again, the ninjas and pirates and zombies and aliens and angels and demons and nazis starts to comemorate drinking vodka in big vats. They shout Bella's name:
"Bella!!!! Bella!!! The savior of galaxy, Bella!!!!" and they start to dance and get drunk and fighting again. Bella them goes back to Earth and God says:
"Thanks Bella, you saved the existence and rearranged the natural laws of universe!!"
"It's nothing God, every time you need!" and Bella goes back to the baby clothes shop.
She them finds the perfect clothes to her son and buys them. When see gets out of the shop, Edwards arrives, with werewolves severed heads in his hands:
"Hey Bella, I'm late?"
"Oh Edward, your on time, I had just the right time to buy everything our son need!"
"Hoah! That's awesome, let's go home and clear up his bedroom, these wolf head will be great on the wall!!" and Bella and Edward hug one another , kiss and go home, happily ever after.
In the nothingness of non existance, two evil man talks:
"My master, how could Bella have killed you?"
"God interfered, dear Führer, but don't be afraid, that woman, and the Almighty will pay for this!" and the two evil beings started to laugh manically, echoing their black-hearted and nefarious laughter all over the netherworld...