AN: First, let me assure you—I enjoyed every minute of 2012. Because I am a disaster movie junkie and I love movies that are logically absurd and ridiculous with awesome special effects. That being said, I'm still going to rip the hell out of it.
A few notes about references to other movies that show up in this parody: Deep Impact, if you have not seen it, is a 1998 movie in which Morgan Freeman is the President and an asteroid is headed for earth (also starring Tea Leoni and a young Elijah Wood…and you should watch it because it's actually pretty good, much better than Armageddon). Dante's Peak is a 1997 movie in which Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton face a volcanic eruption (that's right, James Bond and Sarah Connor vs. the volcano)…you don't need to watch this one, just know that there is a scene where Pierce Brosnan drives his car over a lava bed, and they get stuck and the wheels CATCH ON FIRE, but he still drives out. And then later THE SAME CAR outruns a pyroclastic flow. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. And Chiwetel Ejiofor also stars in the movie Serenity, which if you have not seen—YOU SHOULD. So if Adrian says any lines that sound out of place…it's probably something his character says in Serenity.
Okay, NOW let's rip the hell out of 2012!
The sun shoots out some SOLAR FLARES and the planets ALIGN, or something. This is just so the movie seems SCIENCEY.
ADRIAN HELMSLEY, a GEOLOGIST for the US GOVERNMENT, is driving in a TAXI down a RAINY STREET in some random village in INDIA.
TOY BOAT: (capsizes) Arr, I be foreshadowing!
Adrian's BFF, some RANDOM INDIAN SCIENTIST, takes him into a COPPER MINE, where it is VERY HOT but Adrian still does not take off his JACKET.
BFF SCIENTIST: Neutrinos from the sun are causing the Earth's core to boil. Not the oceans or anything, just the core. And btw we're all going to die.
ADRIAN: Oh noes! I must tell the President!
BFF SCIENTIST'S WIFE: But what about your fish curry??
Adrian goes to a PARTY in WASHINGTON.
ADRIAN: No, dude, I swear, I'm supposed to be here. No, I am not a friend of the Salahis! I need to speak to the President, I tell you!
SECRETARY OF STATE, aka FAT DICKHEAD: Stop disturbing this fancy dinner party! We are celebrating the money we have raised so that we can continue being fat dickheads!
ADRIAN: Just read this data, sir!
FAT DICKHEAD: Oh, fi— Oh my GOD!
ADRIAN: I know, right? Crazy!
Six months LATER, the PRESIDENT meets with a bunch of WORLD LEADERS.
PRESIDENT: The world…as we know it…is coming…to an end.
AUDIENCE: Why is it that every time there's a black president in the movies, THE WORLD ENDS?
PRESIDENT: Alas, I'm just a poor man's Morgan Freeman.
And now that the SCIENCE is out of the way… This is—
2 0 1 2
NICOLAS CAGE wakes up on his COUCH. He is the obligatory EVERYMAN HERO.
Oh, NEVER MIND. I have just discovered that JOHN CUSACK is the hero of this film. WHAT the FUCK?
NICOLAS CAGE: I've been rooooobbed!
JOHN CUSACK: That's right, bitch.
Nick and John have a SLAP-FIGHT until John realizes that his character, JACKSON CURTIS, is very LATE.
50-CENT, aka CURTIS JACKSON: Bitch stole my name!
John and 50 have a SLAP-FIGHT until 50 threatens to BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS, FOO'.
Jackson takes his kids CAMPING in a LIMO, because he's COOL LIKE THAT. And because there are ALWAYS KIDS in disaster movies. His EX-WIFE KATE is living with PLASTIC SURGEON GORDON.
GORDON: I'm clearly not marked for death!
NOAH: In an extremely clever role reversal, I love my stepfather and hate my real dad. Also, my name is some awesome FORESHADOWING!
LILY: I wet the bed and that is my entire personality.
Elsewhere, a sudden TIDE causes a CRUISE SHIP to CRASH against the DOCK.
CAPTAIN: It's okay! She's UNSINKABLE! Weigh anchor!
AUDIENCE: Yeah…this is gonna end well.
Back in the WHITE HOUSE, the PRESIDENT is meeting with ADRIAN and FAT DICKHEAD. The FIRST DAUGHTER/OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST enters. She is an ERNEST YOUNG WOMAN with NO other recognizable PERSONALITY.
ADRIAN: I'm ernest TOO! Let's make out. Byyyy the way, the world's ending faster than expected.
FIRST DAUGHTER: Whaaat?
PRESIDENT: Oh yeah. Honey, the world's ending.
Meanwhile, JACKSON is taking his KIDS on a HIKE in YELLOWSTONE.
JACKSON: Come on kids, let's climb over this fence with the restricted government sign and check out the evil sulfur lake with dead animals all around it! I'm the best dad ever!
Most COINCIDENTALLY, they meet the man in charge of SAVING THE WORLD and have a very COINCIDENTAL conversation about DISASTERS and ALTRUISM.
ADRIAN: Omigod, are you really the Jackson Curtis??
JACKSON: I think you're thinking of Curtis Jackson.
Adrian SKYPES with his INDIAN SCIENTIST BFF.
BFF SCIENTIST: The world's ending, like, now.
BFF SCIENTIST'S KID: Whaaaat?
ADRIAN: Oh dear! I must stare ernestly out the window at that writer and his kids! The death of six billion people is just a statistic…but this random family that I just met, now that's a tragedy.
That NIGHT, JACKSON looks at PORN on his COMPUTER, while his kids COMPLAIN about MOSQUITOS.
EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO HAS EVER GONE CAMPING, OR HAS ANY COMMON SENSE AT ALL: That's why you keep the tent door zipped. Dumbasses.
Jackson LEAVES his kids to get EATEN by a BEAR and goes to visit a nearby TRAILER, where CRAZY PICKLE GUY is broadcasting on CRAZY CONSPIRACY RADIO.
CRAZY PICKLE GUY: THE WORLD IS ENDING AND THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING TO EAT US AAAAALLLLL!
CRAZY PICKLE GUY: Here, watch this episode of HomeStar Runner while I eat some pickles.
EMMERICH: In case you were wondering, yes, this is as scientific as the movie will get.
JACKSON: Okay, that was great dude. Gimme your beer.
Jackson is KIND OF A DICK.
Meanwhile, KATE and GORDON are in the SUPERMARKET, and FAULT LINES suddenly have a DEEPLY IRONIC sense of TIMING.
JACKSON, NOAH, and LILY come HOME because of the aforementioned IRONIC FAULT LINES. Jackson works as a CHAFFEUR for a RUSSIAN BILLIONAIRE, who is preparing to EVACUATE on some SECRET SHIPS. The BILLIONAIRE RUSSIAN CHILDREN are BRATTY and OBNOXIOUS.
JACKSON: Government restricted areas… crazy pickle guy…bratty Russian ginger kids…OH MY GOD THE WORLD REALLY IS ENDING!
EMMERICH: (rubs hands together in anticipation) So, how many disasters do you think I can cram into one movie?? Start counting, people, it's gonna be a shitshow!
Jackson RUSHES HOME, where ARNOLD is REASSURING the people of CALIFORNIA on the TELEVISION. And has apparently entered his ILLEGAL THIRD TERM as GOVERNOR.
ARNOLD: Ze vurst ees over—
The FAULT LINES continue to be DEEPLY IRONIC.
EMMERICH: Earthquakes! THAAAAT'S ONE!
JACKSON: We've got to get out of here RIGHT NOW!
KATE: No, we'll be okay! We used to watch these videos in high school! Just duck and cover, kids!
They jump into the LIMO as the EARTH CRUMBLES all around them, yet they still have time for some ONE-LINERS and OLD LADY DRIVING HUMOR. LA goes to SHIT, but JOHN CUSACK is UNTOUCHABLE.
LIMO: (is secretly a Humvee) I'm almost as indestructable as that car Pierce Brosnan drove across the lava in Dante's Peak!
After crashing through an apparently COMPLETELY EMPTY GLASS BUILDING and escaping many other hazards such as a large DONUT, they arrive at the airport where they STEAL a small PLANE.
GORDON: I can't fly such a monstrosity!
JACKSON: Dude, the ground is collapsing behind us. I'm pretty sure you can.
GORDON: We have to get up to 88 miles an hour! 88, I say, or we can't go back in time! I mean…take off!
Suddenly, Gordon becomes an UNTOUCHABLE STUNT PILOT.
GORDON: Wooooh-eeeee! I bet I could pull a car off a baby right now!
Back on the CRUISE SHIP, we discover that the LOUNGE SINGER is ADRIAN'S DADDY!
ADRIAN: It's been sure nice talkin' to you, Dad, it's been sure nice talkin' to you. By the way, the world's ending and a gigantic tidal wave is probably going to kill you.
ADRIAN'S DADDY: Well, look on the bright side—now I can reenact the ending of Titanic, just like I've always wanted!
JACKSON and the FAMILY arrive back at YELLOWSTONE, which appears to have a little GAS. Jackson takes his DAUGHTER onto a VOLCANO in order to find CRAZY PICKLE GUY.
CRAZY PICKLE GUY: I'm crazy and even I think that's messed up.
JACKSON: Where are the ships?? WHERE ARE THE SHIPS???
CRAZY PICKLE GUY: Chill out, man. There's a map in the glove compartment.
JACKSON: Okay, thanks dude. Who says men never stop and ask for directions?
EMMERICH: Volcanic eruption! THAAAT'S TWO!
Jackson and Lily get into Crazy Pickle Guy's CAMPER and SPEED OFF, followed closely by LAVA BOMBS.
JACKSON: NO LAVA BOMBS CAN TOUCH ME!!
CAMPER: (is also secretly a Humvee) MUAHAHAHAHHA!
CRAZY PICKLE GUY should SO be DEAD ALREADY, but instead, let's GIGGLE at his BUTT CRACK. Love that HIGHBROW HUMOR.
The CAMPER arrives back at the PLANE just in the NICK of TIME. JACKSON goes rifling through the GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
JACKSON: AHA! I'll just pause and exult for a minute now that I've found the ma—OHshit.
The CAMPER begins to FALL into a CHASM!
EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE: (knows that Jackson's hand is going to emerge at the last possible second)
It DOES. SHOCK.
JACKSON gets onto the PLANE and they TAKE OFF while the runway CRUMBLES behind them, as RUNWAYS are WONT to do. Then the plane OUTFLIES the PYROCLASTIC FLOW from the recent volcanic ERUPTION.
GORDON: If Pierce Brosnan can do it, then SO CAN I!
PLANE'S ENGINES: (continue to function even inside a gigantic cloud of hot ash)
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: The Last Days of Pompeii was more realistic than this.
Back in the WHITE HOUSE, we find out that FAT DICKHEAD has a HUMAN CONNECTION. But ONLY ONE.
FAT DICKHEAD: CONTINUITY! OF! SPECIES!
ADRIAN: I'm going to go visit the President in the chapel now and have an ernest conversation about humanity.
FAT DICKHEAD: Of course you are.
In the CHAPEL…
PRESIDENT: If only I were Morgan Freeman! Then I would've handled this right!
On AIR FORCE ONE…
ADRIAN: President's not coming.
FAT DICKHEAD: Too bad. Guess I'm President now! LET'S GO!
ADRIAN: This is bogus! Just how far down is the Secretary of State in the presidential succession line, anyway?
HILARY CLINTON: THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.
Meanwhile, the PRESIDENT addresses the NATION.
PRESIDENT: Everyone…the world is ending.
EVERYONE: NO SHIT.
PRESIDENT: So…bye all! Hugs and smoochies!
In SOME OTHER AIRPORT, large crowds of people are FREAKING OUT. LIKE WOAH.
JACKSON: Hey look, there's my billionaire Russian employer! I bet he has a plane!
YURI: Like I'm going to take you and your pathetic family with me.
SASCHA: We need a copilot! Can anyone here fly a plane??
GORDON: NOT ME!!!
JACKSON: Dude! Do I have to tell you again? When the world is ending, you can fly the damn plane!
The PYROCLASTIC FLOW from Yellowstone APPROACHES the airport as they COMMANDEER a GINORMOUS PLANE!!!
Cliffhanger! Update soon.
Disclaimer: Trust me, I could write a better script than 2012.