AN: Don't you love it when I say I'll update in a week and then don't update for seven months? I know I do. The kicker is, I've had almost all of this just sitting on my computer for those seven months. And today I was procrastinating but still wanted to feel productive, so I whipped out a few more pages. It turned out too long for one chapter, so I'm going to post the last bit in a few days.
References to Dante's Peak continue. I also tried to include a Strictly Sexual reference for Sasha, but I just couldn't make it work.
Disclaimer: I in no way own, make any claim to owning, or want to own any part of the 2012 franchise.
The PYROCLASTIC FLOW from Yellowstone APPROACHES the airport as they COMMANDEER a GINORMOUS PLANE!
JACKSON: We need to go to China! I have a map!
YURI: We already know that.
AIRPORT OFFICIALS: HEY! You people down there! You are not cleared for take-off! What the hell do you think you're doing?
JACKSON: Seriously? Seriously, you're going to enforce airport regulations now? You're about to freaking die!
OFFICIALS: YOU MUST ABORT! I REPEAT, YOU MUST ABORT!
The entire AIRPORT falls into a CHASM.
OFFICIALS: You must aboooooooort…
They TAKE OFF as the RUNWAY CRUMBLES behind them. Can't have a PROPER TAKE-OFF without a COLLAPSING RUNWAY.
SASHA: Hey Gordon, mind taking the controls for a sec while I have a pee?
Meanwhile, on a RANDOM MOUNTAIN in a RANDOM COUNTRY THAT HAS MOUNTAINS, the DALAI LAMA OR SOMEONE RANDOM LIKE THAT is hanging out with SOME KID.
DALAI LAMA: Kid, stop being such a smartass.
KID: Don't you mean to say "In order to see the light of wisdom, you must first empty your cup"?
DALAI LAMA: No. I mean stop being such a smartass.
Back on the GINORMOUS PLANE, KATE is having a CHAT with Yuri's girlfriend, TAMARA. We find out that Kate is also KIND OF A DICK.
JACKSON: See, we are soooo perfect for each other.
GORDON: I'm going to die, aren't I?
SASHA: Attention. This is your captain speaking. We're beginning our final descent to Hawaii for refueling. Local time is 8:30 PM, and we should have you on the ground in about 20 minutes.
GORDON: (points out the window) Um…
HAWAII is covered in FIRE and LAVA and appears to be SINKING into the ocean.
GORDON: Come on, of course Hawaii is gone, it is a freaking volcano!
PIERCE BROSNAN in a brief CAMEO: WE CAN LAND ON THAT!
Back on AIR FORCE ONE…
FIRST DAUGHTER: I'm sad and ernest.
ADRIAN: Me too. Let's make out. Oh, and by the way everyone, the earth's crust is shifting and there's gonna be a shit ton of tidal waves.
Meanwhile, the PRESIDENT is WANDERING outside with his BELOVED AMERICANS. It appears to be RAINING ASH from the Yellowstone ERUPTION, but this is NOT BOTHERING anyone.
PRESIDENT: It's okay, everyone…I'm here.
AMERICANS: We are comforted.
An EARTHQUAKE causes the WASHINGTON MONUMENT to COLLAPSE DRAMATICALLY!
EMMERICH: And a phallic monument tumbles. Isn't this so much better than it being the Statue of Liberty all the time?
ST. PETER'S BASILICA in the VATICAN also COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY. Because God knows only LARGE MONUMENTS are ever DESTROYED by the END of the WORLD.
PRESIDENT: I'm comin', Dorothy! I'll click my heels three times—
Then a TIDAL WAVE kills everyone, including the PRESIDENT and ADRIAN'S DADDY. SAD. But they FACE their deaths HEAD-ON, for they are BRAVE BLACK ROLE MODELS.
EMMERICH: Tidal waves! THAAAT'S THREE!
Back on the GINORMOUS PLANE, KATE and JACKSON are sitting in one of the SHOW CARS in the CARGO BAY.
KATE, JACKSON: (have a heartfelt conversation)
AUDIENCE: (takes a bathroom break)
SASHA: Attention. This is your captain speaking. We are out of fuel and will shortly be making an emergency landing in the ocean. Local time is 10:45 PM and we're all going to die.
GORDON: Well, at least we won't have to worry about the landing gear, since we lost it during take-off back in California.
JACKSON: So…how exactly were we planning to land in Hawaii, refuel, and take off again?
GORDON: …I don't know.
AUDIENCE: (has their intelligence insulted)
JACKSON, NOAH: (more heartfelt conversations)
AUDIENCE: (gets more popcorn)
Gordon sees JACKSON and FAMILY having their HEARTFELT MOMENT and HUGGING.
GORDON: Yeah…I am so gonna die.
SASHA: Oh hey, check it out! We're not going to crash in the ocean after all! We're going to crash in the Himalayas instead!
The EARTH'S CRUST has obligingly MOVED CHINA 1500 MILES CLOSER.
SASHA: But we're still going to crash, and probably die. Unless…I sacrifice myself to save you all and become a totally hot hero! YES!
In a TOTALLY REALISTIC and FOLLOWING ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS scene, our intrepid heroes ESCAPE the plane in a BENTLEY.
EMMERICH: Plane crash! THAAAT'S FOUR!
SASHA: And I'm not even dead! This is AWEs—OHshit.
The plane FALLS over the CLIFF EDGE and explodes in a FIERY FIREBALL OF DEATH. Even though it was OUT OF FUEL, so there was actually NOTHING TO CATCH ON FIRE. But that's okay, since all disaster movies follow the INDIANA JONES RULES OF MOVIEMAKING: Whenever anything FALLS OVER, it must EXPLODE.
TAMARA: Saaaaaassshhaaaaa! Nooooooo! I looooooove you!
YURI: Just for that, you don't get to escape the apocalypse with me and my bratty ginger twins! I'm sure I'll find another hot girlfriend after the world ends, my money doesn't mean anything, and there are approximately three fertile women per every 25 politicians.
Some convenient HELICOPTERS carrying AFRICAN ANIMALS come to RESCUE YURI and the TWINS.
YURI: (zooms away in a harness next to a giraffe) Ha-ha!
JACKSON: Well, this sucks. Come on kids, I guess we're walking.
NOAH: Walking where?
JACKSON: China. Duh.
KATE: Luckily it's not too freezing in the Himalayas or anything. Just a bit brisk. Come along, kids!
GORDON: (to Tamara) I think we're both going to die.
Meanwhile, ADRIAN and the FIRST DAUGHTER bond over their AWKWARD ADOLESCENCES, and NO ONE CARES. They arrive on the SECRET SHIPS with FAT DICKHEAD and other GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.
ADRIAN: This is the future of humanity? People rich enough to afford billion-euro tickets?
FAT DICKHEAD: And politicians. And people selected for their genetic awesomeness. None of that riff-raff.
ADRIAN: Wow, you're a douche.
FAT DICKHEAD: Sure am!
Just then, Adrian's INDIAN SCIENTIST BFF CALLS him.
BFF SCIENTIST: I never got picked up and I'm about to die! So I decided to call and tell you that I'm about to die!
ADRIAN: …You couldn't have called before you were about to die?
BFF SCIENTIST: Naw. Oh hey, my wife and son are here too! They'd like to say hello, before they also die.
BFF SCIENTIST'S KID: What up.
BFF SCIENTIST'S WIFE: I saved your fish curry for you, Adrian!
BFF SCIENTIST: Whoops, here comes the tidal wave. By the way, how great is this reception?
They DIE. SAD.
ADRIAN: OMG I'm so depressed. Hold on a second…this means there's a tidal wave coming here and we're all going to die too!
FAT DICKHEAD: Uh yeah, we already knew that.
ADRIAN: No, I mean, we're all going to die SOONER.
The COUNTDOWN CLOCK dramatically RUNS BACKWARD, a process which WASTES their precious SECONDS.
Meanwhile, JACKSON and FAMILY have—
GORDON and TAMARA: AND US!
—JACKSON and FAMILY and the EXPENDABLES have been PICKED UP by THAT RANDOM SMART-ASS KID FROM THAT ONE RANDOM SCENE ON THE MOUNTAIN.
JACKSON: WE NEED TO GO TO CHINA!
SMART-ASS KID: Dude, we know.
JACKSON: I have a map with China circled on it!
SMART-ASS KID: Good for you.
They start DRIVING to the SECRET SHIPS.
JACKSON, GORDON: (have a heartfelt conversation)
AUDIENCE: Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Dudes, we know he's going to die. Just kill him off already and stop torturing him and us!
They arrive at a SECRET BACK DOOR, where one of the CHINESE WORKERS is waiting to SNEAK his FAMILY onto the SHIPS.
CHINESE WORKER: Kid, what the hell are these white people doing here?
SMART-ASS KID: I dunno. They were just hitching to China.
CHINESE WORKER: Mkay, well good luck with that. See ya!
KATE: This is bogus! Hey you, granny, how old are you, like 85? And you think you're getting on this ship instead of my sweet 10-year-old kids?
GRANNY: Oh-no-you-di-in't! Bring it!
NOAH: Moo-om, you're embarrassing us!
LILLY: I still have no personality.
JACKSON: Guys! Stop this pointless bickering! We need to come together as human beings to show that we can be altruistic at the end of the world, just like I wrote about in my failed novel, in an awesome example of foreshadowing!
CHINESE WORKER: What. Ever. Come on then, you guys are drawing too much attention to us.
They somehow SNEAK along the EDGE of a SHIP, which APPARENTLY we were supposed to think would be a SPACESHIP. Meanwhile, YURI incites a RIOT.
TAMARA looks out onto the crowded PLATFORM and sees her DOG, which performs a stunning TIGHTROPE ACT in order to get to her. Because there is ALWAYS A DOG in disaster movies.
The ship's ANCHORS slam into place as JACKSON and FAMILY, the EXPENDABLES and the DOG secrete themselves in the BOWELS of the ark.
Meanwhile, on the BRIDGE…
ADRIAN: We have 15 minutes till impact. I think it's about time for me to give a deeply ernest and moving 10-minute speech about the value of humanity.
FAT DICKHEAD: You have got to be kidding me. I might be a huge douche, but at least I don't give cloying speeches that make the audience feel like they need to shower because they've been doused in syrup and whipped cream.
ADRIAN: How can you disagree with me? I'm so freaking ernest. Look at this face.
FIRST DAUGHTER: I think I love you.
ADRIAN: We may have left the vast, vast majority of humanity to die horribly in earthquakes and tidal waves, especially my BFF that Indian guy, but I'll be damned if we stand by and let those poor Chinese workers, and those rich people whose ark broke, die too! You see, once there was a man walking along the beach throwing starfish into the water—
FAT DICKHEAD: Please stop. All this ernestness is giving me a rash. I think I'm allergic.
WORLD LEADERS: Russia, China, India, and Japan all agree to open the doors. France, England, Germany, Switzerland, Spain, and Italy agree to open the doors. Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, the Netherlands, Sweden, Turkey, New Zealand, Portugal, the Czech Republic, and Norway agree to open the doors. Greece says hell no. Canada, Australia, Argentina, South Africa, Egypt, Peru, Chile—
8 MINUTES LATER…
WORLD LEADERS: …and Suriname, Togo, and Moldova agree to open the doors.
FAT DICKHEAD: How did all these lazy-ass third world countries get onto our precious arks anyway? I must speak to someone about this.
They OPEN the GATE.
FAT DICKHEAD: This decision is going to come back and bite you in the ass.