"I still don't see it." Sasuke said, cutting across Hashirama's explanation as to why he was so surprised that Konoha was still standing with Tsunade as Hokage and the quiet explanation of exactly as to why he had "Yondaime Hokage" stitched on the back of his coat that Minato was giving an incredulous Tobirama.
"Don't see what?" the Sandaime asked as Tobirama signed You mean they were actually that stupid?! in Early ANBU to the Yondaime.
"There's no way that Uzumaki..." Sasuke started before Hiruzen cut him off with an incredulous "You're still on about that?!"
"On about what?" Minato asked, his ears having perked up at the sound of his wife's surname.
"Naruto's teammates, being the clever children they were, figured out that Naruto is your son. Sasuke's been in denial ever since." the Sandaime explained.
"And Hashirama wondered why I wouldn't let him make Madara the Hokage..." Tobirama muttered, breaking the incredulous silence that had fallen over the group.
"Uh, why wouldn't they have known that Naruto was my son beforehand?" Minato asked, sounding as if he didn't want to hear the answer because he knew it would just upset him.
"Since you weren't there to protect him, I decided that it would be in Naruto's best interests to conceal his heritage from those who weren't already in the know." Hiruzen replied, looking slightly guilty.
"How could they not know he was my son despite all that?! The last time I saw him, he was a total mini-me." Minato said, getting that deadly look in his eyes that had even the strongest Iwa nin soiling themselves.
"Let's just say that the only thing he seems to have gotten from you is your coloring. Everything else came from Kushina." the Sandaime replied.
"Oh dear..." Minato said.
"Not everything comes from Kushina." Orochimaru chipped in. "Odds are that he's going to follow in your footsteps and become the next Hokage."
"Crap." the Yondaime groaned. "There goes Konoha..."
There seemed to be a lull in the battle as he and Madara pulled themselves back together. Based on the way people were standing there almost expectantly following the somewhat unsuccessful attack on their persons, Obito guessed that they were waiting for the next monologue so they could rest up while he and Madara tipped their hands by revealing more of their plans and a few S-ranked secrets.
Well, when it came to what appeared to be an S-Ranked secret based on the surprised reaction coming from a number of civilians out in the boonies who'd heard Sasuke's constant ranting on the subject of a certain opponent of his...
"Hey everybody, did you know that Namikaze Minato is Naruto's father?" he asked, taking a stab in the dark.
"YES!" virtually all of the assembled shinobi shouted back.
A guy who was clearly cannon fodder and obviously from a minor village in the middle of nowhere who was standing in the back row raised his hand.
"Yes?" he said, feeling a little bit like an Academy instructor as he gave the man permission to speak.
"I didn't." the guy said, looking vaguely embarrassed.
"What was that about?" Madara asked after he'd finished reforming.
"Well, after I'd told Sasuke that I'd personally caught my former sensei and his wife doing the horizontal mattress tango for the twenty-seventh time, and a civilian who overheard us discussing the matter seemed shocked by the fact that Naruto was sensei's son, I was beginning to wonder whether...I mean, what does it say for our clan if it was just Sasuke who was that stupid?" he replied.
"Which was it?" Madara asked, looking slightly disturbed.
"Huh?" he asked.
"The twenty-seventh time you'd caught them, or the twenty-seventh time you had to tell this Sasuke that you'd caught them?" Madara asked, looking as if he were dreading the answer.
"Well, considering the fact that I was telling him about the twenty-seventh time I'd caught them, I'd have to say both." he replied.
"And I'd warned them that marrying your first cousin wasn't healthy..." Madara groaned as he buried his face in his hands.
"And then, after she kissed her way down, she licked my..." Namikaze Minato said, continuing his blow-by-blow account of the night Naruto had been conceived.
"Hmm, must be an Uzumaki thing." Hashirama said from where he was listening, not paying attention to the fact that just about everyone else had covered their ears.
"...And after she was done licking it, she kissed her way back up, and then she..." Minato continued, ignoring the Shodai Hokage's comment.
"Okay, please stop!" a horrified Sasuke who was unable to cover his ears because he was firmly bound yelled, not wanting to hear any more about his former teammate's conception. "I'll concede to the fact that there is a possibility that Naruto is your son if you'll just stop."
"So, you don't' want to hear more about how Kushina...?" Minato asked with a wicked gleam in his eye.
"No!" Sasuke yelled.
"So, do you want to hear about what she used to like to do while she was expecting Naruto?" Minato asked with a mischievous smirk that oddly called Naruto when he was planning a prank to mind.
"Oooh, she got randy while she was pregnant too did she?" Hashirama said with a slight leer. "The stories I could tell you about how Mito got while she was expecting our..."
"Shut up! Shut up!" Sasuke screamed. "Will the both of you just shut up? I do not want to hear about your love lives or the resulting offspring."
"Fine, you win! Naruto's your son, now shut up! If I ever hear another word from you, or you again..." Sasuke yelled at the Shodai and Yondaime Hokages.
"Does that mean that he doesn't want to hear about how me and Madara used to be friends and how everything that happened to his clan was all Tobirama's fault then?" Hashirama asked.