Nicki couldn't stop the tears. She didn't want to.
As she stood there, watching Sarah and Scott take their vows, saw the burning desire passing between their eyes, Nicki felt her heart ache with longing. The gentle sobs worked their way up from deep within her chest, forcing themselves to the surface as she wept for her loss. She was a warm person; she did have feelings. She could understand now what they were feeling; now she truly understood what it felt like to be in love.
Ray had unearthed feelings inside her that she never knew she could have, feelings buried so deep it was impossible she had ever experienced them before. If this is what love felt like, had she ever loved Bill? Did she love him now? Not like this. Not in this way. Not like Scott and Sarah. Nicki cried, not because she was losing Sarah, but because she knew this was something she could never have. How different would her life be, she wondered, if she had never been sealed to Bill? If her job with the DA hadn't all been a lie, if it had been real, a job of her own—a life of her own. A life where she was free to fall in love with whomever she chose, and they could love her freely in return. No more lies. No more secrets. Just…uncomplicated. Ray had been so uncomplicated. And she wanted that. Wanted out of her tangled life, her tangled family web. She wanted to escape. But that was something she would never have.
Now Ray was gone. Not that she could have been with him if he stayed. He didn't want her anymore, not after she hurt him so badly. Betrayed him. Humiliated him. And if by some impossible chance Ray had forgiven her, Nicki knew it never could have been. To risk losing Bill, her sister wives, to risk being barred from eternity? It was a step Nicki didn't think she had the strength to take.