Boilerplate: The Twilight universe belongs to Stephenie Meyer – I'm just playing in it. I don't own anything except my laptop computer.


The forest surrounding the Olympic Shopping Centre in Forks, Washington, which contained, among other things the Salvation Army Store, Ed's Discount Liquors, Games & Guns, and Forks only dry cleaners, was usually quiet. But at 11:35pm on a rainy Friday evening in May, there was a rustling in the scrub bush behind the lot which disturbed the two feral cats who had been planning to either fight or copulate in front of the dumpster. The cats scattered, as out from the bushes emerged a 6'7" tall well-built Quileute man, carrying a wallet and cursing under his breath.

Jacob Black was totally nude.

This wasn't an unusual situation for our hero to find himself in, considering that he spent great quantities of time in the form of a giant wolf. And wolves are not generally known to wear pants. In fact, if there was one thing that would have raised more eyebrows than the sight of a giant wolf racing like a bat out of Hell down Main Street, it would be the that same giant wolf wearing a pair of pants.

However, human men are generally encouraged by both law and social custom to cover their genitals when in public, so, having left his cargo shorts in the patch of trees behind the house, Jacob Black did the only thing he could, he went dumpster diving in the Olympic Shopping Centre.

He pawed through the ragged T-shirts and pleated khaki shorts until he found something suitable.

At 11:45pm, 15 minutes before closing, a 6'7" tall Quileute man wearing skin tight black leather pants and a tight black T-shirt strutted into Ed's Discount Liquors and asked for a handle of tequila.

Jacob was only 16 but he looked about 10 years older, so the man behind the counter didn't card him, which is what he had been counting on when he had lost the bet to Embry and Quil that had sent him over here with their pooled cash to procure the alcohol. The liquor stores closer to the Rez would be only too aware of the fact that Jacob was under the legal drinking age.

An hour and ten minutes from when he left them, Quil and Embry were still sitting around the Black family garage complaining about how boring their unspiked soda tasted.

"I wonder how much tequila I should fit into my can. I could, like, just drink half the soda and then do a half and half thing." Quil paused, thoughtfully. "Maybe I should I just take a swig of tequila from the bottle and then take a sip of soda from the can after."

"I bet he didn't even get through the door of Ed's," said Embry. "He totally didn't even notice that he didn't take a shirt. No shirt, no shoes, no service, dude. I got ten dollars that says Black walks back in here empty-handed."

Before Quil could agree to the wager, the garage door slammed open and in swaggered the man himself, victorious. He held up the bag containing the bottle of tequila. "You doubt the master? Watch and learn, Call, it's all in the attitude."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, just hand it over." Embry rolled his eyes.

Jacob set the bag down on the worktable and went to get a soda from the stack of cartons piled against the wall. He bent down and Quil and Embry looked at each other trying not to giggle.

"Um—Jake? Aren't your pants a little—" Quil searched for the right word "—tight? I mean I like you and all but I don't need to see—all that. I get enough of a show when we phase."

The giggles Embry had been holding back broke forth and soon Quil and joined in. Jacob stood in front of them, calm and collected, shirtless and wearing the skintight black leather pants.

"Laugh all you want but I know for a fact that ladies love this look. You forget that I have two older sisters and they both read romance books. You know who is on the front of those things? Shirtless guys in black leather pants."

Embry tried to tamp down his giggles long enough to get out a quip. "Dude, you couldn't even score that freaky white chick who is always up doing 'cultural research'"—and here Embry made the air quotes—"at pow wows and eye-sexing every fancy dancer within a 20 foot radius in that outfit."

"You guys just don't understand women," said Jacob. "I know for a fact—a fact—that leather pants make women want to jump your bones."

"Do you want to bet on that?" said Quil, finally gaining control over his breathing. "The next woman who comes in—you get her to drool over you in those pants."

"Quil, nobody is going to be coming to the garage past midnight on a Friday," scoffed Embry. "And anyways, the only female who ever comes sniffing around here is Bella Swan."

At the mention of Bella's name, Jacob quickly turned around and began mixing himself a strong drink. "Whatever," he said. "She's no different from any other girl."

"If you say so, dude," said Embry and punched Quil on the arm.

Quil stood up and folded his arms over his chest. "So, are you going to take the bet or are you going to admit that the pants are totally gay and I, Quil Atara, am the master pimp?"

Jacob took a big chug of his spiked soda and wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand. He turned around to face his friends. "You're on," he said. "I will make the next woman who comes in here drool over these leather pants."


Saturday afternoon found the same three young men hanging around the Black family garage.

Jacob was wearing the leather pants—and no shirt. He had the hood popped open on the Rabbit and tinkering with something in the engine.

Quil and Embry began bickering over the choice of music on the stereo and whether or not the lead singer of the band currently playing 'sucked donkey balls.'

After about 5 minutes of this, Jacob could take no more. His nerves were already shot hoping that Bella would walk into the garage and praying that she wouldn't.

"Just pick something else!" yelled Jacob. "I don't care what!"

Embry punched Quil on the arm.

"Whoa—chill, dude," said Quil. "What about we listen to that mix Paul burned you last week?"

Quil looked over at Embry. "Yeah, that's cool."

Jacob rolled his eyes and went into the house to look for the CD.

"Dude, Bella is taking her sweet time," said Embry. "I don't know how much longer we can stall Jake without him getting suspicious."

"Are you sure you called the right number?" Quil looked concerned.

"Yeah. I told her Jake had something for her to pick up and she totally bought it. That chick is way in love him—this almost doesn't seem fair. We should have picked, like, Leah. That bitch is a total man hater. If she saw Jake in those pants she'd just kick him in the balls."

"If you want to mess with Leah, go for it, but I'd like to keep my dick attached firmly to my body."

"Not that you ever use it for anything," retorted Embry.

"Shut up!" Quil made to tackle Embry but was interrupted by the sound of an old pickup truck pulling up the driveway.

They heard the truck's engine shut off and scrambled to find positions to lounge in that would look cool yet casual, as if Bella was walking into nothing more than a friendly afternoon at Jake's garage.

The garage door opened slowly and a short, brown-haired girl shyly walked through. Bella Swan was dressed for the drizzly weather in jeans and a dark red hoodie, zipped all the way to the top and her hair was pulled up into a ponytail. As much as Quil and Embry loved their friend Jake, they could not understand why he was so head-over-heels for this mousy girl.

Sure, she was nice enough and kind of pretty but there were plenty of nice and pretty girls around, every other single one of whom was not dating a creepy, stalkerific, douchebag vampire.

"Hey, Bella," said Quil, casually, giving her a little wave. "How's it going?"

"Oh—I'm okay," said Bella. "Just finals and a horde of newborn vampires trying to kill me but what else is new?"

"I hear that," said Embry. "Those vampires—always trying to kill you or eat you or give you makeovers. Can't live with 'em--" Quil kicked his shin.

"So," said Bella, blushing slightly, "You said Jacob had something for me?"

At that moment, our hero, Jacob Black reappeared at the entrance to the garage carrying the CD. His bare chest was slightly damp from the drizzle he had walked through and his skintight leather pants rode low on his hips, having shifted slightly during his extended search for Paul's mix CD. He puffed out his chest proudly. "Hey, Jackasses, I found—" and then he saw Bella. "Oh, hi, Bella."

She turned around to look at her dear friend Jake who, as far as she knew, was about to give her a present, and gasped at the sight of Jacob Black looking like he had stepped right off the cover of "Wolf Shadow's Promise" (not that she had actually read that book, mind you, but she may have 'accidentally' browsed through it one day at the library.)

"Hi, Jake," she said. Her heart began to beat a little faster than she would have liked as she took in his long, lean, muscled chest and was dangerously close to ogling certain things made very clear by the tight leather pants. She made a conscious effort to drag her eyes back up to Jacob's face and blushed when she saw that he was grinning at her.

"Can I get you a soda?" he asked, politely.

"Um—sure," Bella said, trying to regain her composure. "Do you still have plain Coke?"

"Let me check," Jacob said, and walked over to the pile of soda cartons. He bent down to rifle through the cans.

If Bella had been looking at Quil and Embry instead of staring at Jacob's butt, she very likely would have been so embarrassed that would have raced right out of the garage never to return. But, as it was, Bella's attention remained focused on Jacob's extremely fine posterior region and she missed the sight of the two men turning various shades of purple attempting to choke back their laughter.

"All I've got is diet and some root beer—and a Pepsi. Which one do you want?" Jacob craned his head around over his shoulder to look at Bella.

"Yes," she said.

"We're going to go," said Quil. "See you later, Jake. I owe you but it was totally worth it."

"Sure, sure," said Jacob. "I knew I was right."

Quil and Embry ran for the door.

"Bye," said Bella, without turning around.

"So, Bells, what'll it be? Coffee, tea, or me?" Jacob winked at her, cockily.

"Where did you get those pants?" was all she could say.