Important Note: Normal text – House talking.; bold text – Wilson writing on a pad.; anyone else speaking is noted.
A Loss for Words
Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?
It's not strep.
Antibiotics knock strep back to the primordial soup it came from in under 24 hours. A plain old virus like you have will take at least three days for your white blood cells to launch a worthy attack against.
Cuddy says I can take you home. No Department Head meeting for you!
Then you'll just have to trust me.
Fine, I lied. But you have the perfect excuse to ditch the meeting and play hooky with me. If you don't take it something's seriously wrong with you, Wilson, and it's not your throat.
I'm your doctor and I say you're sick. And it is my medical opinion that you should miss this meeting and go have a beer. For medicinal purposes, of course.
Not my doctor.
Of course I am.
O'Shea is an obstetrician!
He's head of Obstetrics! Or didn't you notice during your annual physical when he asked you to put your feet up in the stirrups?
Primary specialty - internal med.
That's what he tells you…
(arms crossed) …
Yeah, well…still, he deals with babies and girlie parts...and…
Wait. I'll come with you.
What are going to do at the meeting, hold up your little yellow pad? I'll be helpful and read your notes aloud and anything else you want to say.
You can do that?
Of course. I'm reading your chicken scrawl right now, aren't I?
I meant - you can be helpful?
Oh my, aren't you just too cute by half today. The virus must be making its way into your brain.
Not sure about what? Why are you looking at me like that? Do you want my help or not?
Oh come on Wilson, have a little faith in your fellow man.
There's no point in going to the meeting if you can't contribute. I can help with that.
Great, it's settled. And you're welcome. You can thank me later when you get the cable bill.
Come along Wilson, what kind of department heads would we be if we arrived late? ….Where do they hold these meeting anyway?
Cuddy: What are you doing here?
See, Wilson, I told you Cuddy didn't want you here.
Cuddy: I was talking about you, House.
I'm a department head and this is a Department Head meeting.
Cuddy: That never made a difference before.
That's because I never knew there was free food before. I might start making this a habit.
Cuddy: Please don't. And whatever it is you're planning …please don't.
You can ease the straps on your corset a bit and relax; I'm just here to help Wilson. He's got laryngitis and I'm going to read his notes aloud for him.
Cuddy: Uh-huh. And what's in it for you?
Free food apparently.
Cuddy: Riiiight. Wilson, you can start the meeting off and then go home if you're not feeling well.
Thanks. I'm okay.
He says you should come over to the apartment later and make him feel better.
He says you can play 'doctor' with him.
He says he'll even let you pretend to be the doctor.
I apologize for having to speak through Dr. House, but I have laryngitis. I wanted to talk about the Oncology Department's upcoming annual fundraiser.
I apologize for having to speak through the highly esteemed Dr. House, but I have a sore throat because I am too nice to tell people in the clinic not to touch me with their germy hands.
Oh, and I wanted to talk about the Oncology Department's annual money grub. I mean fundraiser.
We are looking for some interdepartmental support this year. As colleagues we willingly share our equipment whenever feasible with other departments, but the equipment is expensive, and raising the necessary funds can be time consuming. We could use your help this year.
We need you slackers to take on your share.
If any department is interested in assisting Oncology, please come see me and we can include you in this year's fundraising activities.
Call me when I can actually talk.
My second area of concern is cancer consultation. Dr. Cuddy and I agree that we need to come up with a new reporting system. Oncology receives too many interdepartmental requests to handle without being able to bill for them.
Cuddy wants you to stop bothering me with "is it cancer?" requests without letting me bill your patients.
That's not what I wrote!
Oh, and really, there are a dozen oncologists on staff here, use someone other than me.
I consult only for Diagnostics. And I'm busy.
So, find someone else to call– especially on the first Saturday night of each month, which is Monster Truck Rally night on ESPN3.
I knew you'd do this.
Cuddy: excuse me Dr. Wilson, do you have anything else your department would like to bring up?
House I'm warning you – read this word for word or you'll be sleeping on the front step tonight instead of in our bed:
There is a new clinical trial Oncology is participating in that deals with end of life pain management. I will be sending an email to each department with the details. If you have any patients that might benefit from the trial, please contact me ASAP.
House I'm warning you – read this word for word or you'll be sleeping on the front step tonight instead of in our bed. There is a new clinical trial Oncology is participating in that deals with end of life pain management. I will be sending an email to each department with the details. If you have any patients that might benefit from the trial, please contact me ASAP.
You're a dead man.
Do you want me to read that too? Word for word?
I'm going home.
Beer will help your throat.
What will help my head?
Want me to go over and ask O'Shea for you?
No! We're leaving. While I still have a shred of dignity.
Where? I'll get rid of it for you if you'd like.
Sorry folks, Wilson has taken a turn for the worse and I'd better get him home. But don't worry – you're all safe; I'm sure Dr. O'Shea can explain why to you why Wilson's really, really viral sore throat isn't catching.
Slow down! Cripple here.
I'm coming with you.
Cuddy didn't say you can leave.
I don't have a patient and you can't be trusted to be sick at home by yourself.
You might drink all the beer.
My doctor said it was good for me. Medicinal.
O'Shea said that?
I'm your doctor now?
Come on, I know a great place to get a few medicinal beers and a hamburger. I'll even translate for you.
I'll let everyone read for themselves from now on.
I doubt those girls can read.
A strip club? I'm sick, House.
They're not going to go anywhere near your mouth.
I'm going home.
Fine. I'm coming.
I told you, you might drink all the beer. I need to keep an eye on you.
I'm going to sleep.
Like I said, I need to keep an eye on you.
I can't talk.
Yeah, well, shut up all the same.