Title: When No One's Lookin'

Rating: M

Author: darkalbino

Written For: ~*Ivvymoon*~

Warnings: This fic is about Naruto and Sasuke. Gettin' high. And doing sexy stuff. It's also crack. Expect mediocre grammar and wtf moments.

For Ivvy, cuz I know if I can make you laugh, I haven't disappointed XD *smooches*

Disclaimer: do not ooowwwwwn

Not beta'd, pft.

When No One's Lookin'


Naruto opened the little bag in his hands. "Sasuke!" he called, sprinkling the marijuana into the bowl of the pipe. "Don't be such a pansy!"

"I'm not – Naruto! Stop it!" Sasuke tried to snatch the pipe away from Naruto but other boy just leaned up against his window and struck a match alight. Sasuke scowled and gripped his steering wheel with both hands, turning to glare out the windshield at his house that they were parked right in front of. "I don't do that shit."

"You've done it twelve times!"

"I don't do that shit in front of my house!"

"I swear if I wasn't constantly shoving my dick up your ass, you'd be so goddamn uptight you'd have problems shitting right." Sasuke rolled his eyes as Naruto shook the match out and inhaled the pipe, letting the smoke stream out from between his lips as he grinned at Sasuke. "Pussy."


"You heard me, pussy."

Sasuke rolled down his window to let smoke out. "Fuck you."

"Maybe, if I was the one with a pussy."

"I'm not falling for your stupid little taunts."

"Your mom's a stupid little taunt."

"What – that doesn't even make sense!"

"Your face doesn't make se–"

"Shut up! Fucking moron, I'm not getting high in front of my house."

Sasuke watched Naruto inhale once more and snorted as he waved his hand through the air, dispersing the smoke. Oh yeah, he had a grip on this shit. Sasuke could see right through Naruto's little ploy to get him to smoke so close to his parents, he wasn't stupid. Naruto was stupid, for thinking Sasuke would fall for his sexy little tricks.

No wait… no… they weren't sexy…

…This window wasn't low enough.

Sasuke opened the sunroof to allow more of the fumes to escape.

"Sasukeeeee," Naruto drawled, shoving the pipe against Sasuke's cheek, to which Sasuke promptly smacked his hand away.

"I said no Naruto!"

Yeah, that's right, talking figuratively, Sasuke Uchiha bent for no man!

Ten minutes later…

"It's not enough, damn it," Sasuke insisted, grabbing for the bag Naruto had shoved back into the glove compartment.

Naruto shut the compartment and looked at him, "You always say that, just give it a minute."

"My Uchiha genes are obviously immune to it you fucking idiot, I need more." He grunted when Naruto pushed a hand against his chest, forcing him back into his seat.

"Down boy," Naruto mumbled, dragging his fingers down Sasuke's chest and leaving them hooked where they snagged on a fold in his t-shirt.

Sasuke snorted a laugh at that and bucked so Naruto's hand fell into his lap. "Stupid," he muttered.

Naruto's head lolled, his eyes closing with a huge grin on his lips. "No, you."

"Shhhhh," Sasuke's fingers flopped over Naruto's mouth, pulling his bottom lip down as Naruto started chuckling. "Why are you so loud?"

"Mmmm," Naruto's tongue poked out between his teeth and chuckles to lap at Sasuke's fingers. "'Cuz you make me that way, baby."

Sasuke gave a surprised snort and smirked, pushing Naruto's face away as his own head tilted to his window. "M'not a baby," he insisted.

Naruto's bark of laughter was so startling that Sasuke jumped in his seat before falling into a fit of chuckles himself. "Nooo, like, like…" Naruto made vague gestures with his hands before they fell on his lap and he gave a Sasuke a look that clearly said "you asshole, you know."

Sasuke's smirk lifted higher and he lowered his hand down Naruto's chest. "I know… you know what I know?" His hand fell to Naruto's lap, much like Naruto's had been in his own, only Sasuke's palm flipped so he was cradling Naruto's clothed dick in his hand. "That this," he muttered, then abruptly squeezed through the jeans so Naruto hissed and arched up before crumbling into laughter. "This is MINE."

Naruto grabbed his hand and brought it up to his mouth, sighing against it with a soft chuckle. "Everyone knows THAT."

"Hn, they will," Sasuke drawled, still smirking, as he pulled his hand out of Naruto's and pushed himself out of his seat. He heard Naruto's breathy questioning as he…

Was he really climbing out the sunroof? That didn't sound like something he'd do. Aw man, but outside felt fuckin' awesome. Look at those trees, so fuzzy around the edges. Sasuke chuckled, the night air blowing his bangs around his face as he reached out to the trees, which looked more like giant green fuzzyballs. Abruptly, Sasuke fell face forward on the car roof, cracking up with his arm still stretched out. "They're too far!"

Still in the car, Naruto had his arms wrapped around his boyfriend's legs, looking up at him curiously. "Sasuke! Sasuke, what are you doing up there man?"

Right, right, he came up here for something. Sasuke picked his head up, a lazy grin plastered on his face as he spread his arms over the car roof and whispered into the night (and empty driveway), "That dick is mine… biiiiitch."

"Sasuke, you fucker, get," Naruto spread Sasuke's legs and tugged him back inside the car. "Down!"

Sasuke's back collided with the dashboard but instead of groaning in pain, he exploded in a fit of laughter, his legs spread out and bent on either side of Naruto.

Like a virus, Sasuke's laughing seeped into Naruto until he had his head thrown back too and was running his hands up the inside of Sasuke's thighs as he tried to speak through the laughter, "Bitch? Ahahaha – you tryin' –ahaha – you tryin' to be ghetto or sumthin'?" Naruto lifted his hands and started making fake gang signs with them, teasing Sasuke.

The laughter suddenly stopped, completely, a dead serious look on Sasuke's face. "Dumbass," he smacked Naruto's hands away. "I don't have to TRY, I am so… I INVENTED ghetto."

"Pft! Nu-uh!" Naruto pouted at him, his eyes hazy and unsure if he should really believe Sasuke or not. Because Sasuke totally was not ghetto, Sasuke was like fucking Pluto when it came to ghetto, it wasn't even in the same… in the same… whatever, there was a point in there somewhere, Naruto knew what he meant! "When?"

Sasuke huffed. "I – last Tuesday."

"Ffff," Naruto chuckled. "You LIAR," he laughed, smacking his hand lightly against Sasuke's cheek.

Sasuke caught his hand and brought it in front of his face. He traced his thumb over Naruto's palm, dark eyes wide with awe and wonder as he saw every line etched into Naruto's skin with startling clarity. He pulled Naruto's palm to his mouth and kissed it, listening to Naruto moan softly when his lips moved lower, kissing his wrist, his arm, and biting down softly at the tender skin inside his elbow.

"Aw fuck," Naruto breathed, grabbing Sasuke by the hairs at the nape of his neck and dragging him up his body. Damn, Sasuke's hair was so soft. Naruto thought he should be in those famous hair-commercials, the ones where those women have multiple orgasms while rubbing the shampoo in their hair, and then screaming "yes, yes!" when they whipped their heads around to shake it dry. Yeah, Sasuke'd be good at that. It was making him hard just thinking about it. "Fuck," Naruto whispered, pushing his mouth against Sasuke's in a firm kiss and then breaking away. "Fuck, I'm so horny."

"Mmmm," Sasuke grinned and fisted Naruto's shirt, shoving him against the window with a lip-smashing kiss.

Naruto chuckled as Sasuke's tongue dipped lazily into his mouth, his fingertips slipping under Sasuke's shirt and gliding over the warm skin of a muscular back. Naruto groaned and bucked into Sasuke, earning a soft gasp of surprise before he jerked Sasuke down on top of him, causing Sasuke to lose balance. His arm flailed out for something to grab onto, which ended up being the door handle that he pushed down so the door swung open and they both tumbled out onto the driveway.

Normally, this would be very painful and filled with accusations about whose dumbass was responsible for it, but both boys simply began rolling all over the ground in uncontrollable laughter. They laughed even harder when they ended up bumping into and then climbing on top of each other until they were a mass pile of tangled limbs laughing like idiots on the goddamn driveway.


Naruto stopped laughing at the sound, though Sasuke didn't notice and continued on top of him.


"Sasuke!" Naruto put his fingers over Sasuke's lips as he quieted down, looking around them warily. "Sasuke shhh sh sh! Wuzzat? What is that?"


"Oh shit," Sasuke's eyes widened and he looked down at Naruto. "I dunno," he whispered. He put his hand over Naruto's mouth and lay fully on top of him. At night. In the middle of the driveway. High as a kite. "Quiet, quiet… maybe it'll come back."


Naruto jumped. "There it is!"

"Pfff," Sasuke collapsed onto Naruto's shoulder in a fit of chuckles and wormed his hand between them, pressing it over Naruto's stomach. "Moron."

"Ah…" Naruto snorted and closed his eyes with a smile. "Fuck… I'm HUNGREH."

They both busted out laughing as Sasuke rolled off of him and carefully stood up. "So let's go inside and eat sumthin'… foo'."

When they stumbled inside Sasuke's house, the silence was so thick that their laughter came to an immediate halt. It was so abrupt that Naruto started chuckling again and Sasuke pushed him against the wall and fisted his shirt in both hands. "Shhh!"

Naruto folded his lips in between his teeth, still smiling, and watched Sasuke's eyes dart around them like a frightened animal. He suddenly clutched his own shirt over his heart and stared at Naruto. "Oh my God, oh my God, you hear that?"

Naruto blinked and frowned at him. "…No?"

"Shh sh shut up! Shit," he whispered, pushing up against Naruto. "My heart is beating so fuckin' fast – shit, Naruto! They can hear it; my parents know I'm high! Naru–"

"Sasuke, Sasuke!" Naruto whispered harshly, wrapping Sasuke up in his arms. "Relaaaax, baby, no one knows." He snorted and stroked Sasuke's hair with a small grin. "Calm down."

Sasuke cradled Naruto's head and kissed him deeply, then pulled away and threaded his fingers through his boyfriend's hair, astounded at how he could feel every single strand slide between them with his senses as heightened as they were.

Naruto closed his eyes and smiled. He tilted forward, pecking Sasuke on the mouth and grabbing his wrists. "I love you," he murmured.

Sasuke nodded and chuckled softly. "Still 'hungreh'?" he murmured.

"Fuck yeah." Naruto grabbed the back of Sasuke's jeans to keep up with him as Sasuke groped around in the dark, until they stumbled into the kitchen and he flipped the light switch on.

Sasuke hopped up on the counter while Naruto opened the fridge and began rummaging around.

After several minutes, Naruto came back up with a frown and holding a bottle of chocolate syrup, staring at Sasuke. "S'all you got," he complained. Sasuke chuckled as Naruto walked up next to him, flicking the cap of the syrup and pouring some onto his finger before licking it off and resting his elbows on the counter beside Sasuke.

Sasuke leaned down and grinned at the smear of chocolate at the corner of Naruto's lips. He caught them with his own, swiping the syrup up with his tongue and breaking the kiss softly.

"Mmmm," Naruto moaned and brushed his mouth over Sasuke's. "Don't you not like sweets or sumthin'?"

Sasuke sniggered, biting down on Naruto's bottom lip and tugging it before letting go with a soft laugh as his head fell back. "M'not s'pose to like a lot of stuff," he drawled.

"Sasuke!" Naruto suddenly whispered, grinning when Sasuke picked his head back up to look at him. "Sasuke… I should TOTALLY, put this on your dick," he lifted the syrup bottle, eyes crinkled mischievously, "and lick it off."

Sasuke's mouth fell open; like that suggestion just might be the craziest thing he'd ever heard. "…Do it," he husked, lips titling into an amused smirk. "Muthafucka."

They both erupted into chuckles that Sasuke covered with his hand while Naruto smothered his own away by burying his face into Sasuke's lap, their shoulders shaking with laughter.

They calmed down and Sasuke collected Naruto's bangs in his hands, holding them back as Naruto unzipped Sasuke's jeans and tugged down his boxers, pulling his cock out. "Dun get any in the head," Sasuke reminded quietly.

"Duh," Naruto countered, pushing his thumb over the penis head as he drizzled the chocolate sauce.

Sasuke smiled and pulled at his hair. "All right," he whispered.

Naruto moaned and put the bottle down, wrapping both hands around Sasuke and pumping slowly, smearing the chocolate, before letting one hand grab onto Sasuke's side as he swallowed his dick halfway into his mouth.

"Ah," Sasuke spread his legs and bucked into Naruto, moaning when a hot tongue dragged down the underside of his cock.

Naruto groaned and relaxed his throat, laved his tongue over the sweet chocolate as he took Sasuke deeper and deeper, until his nose was tickled by the dark curls at the base.

Sasuke's eyes rolled before screwing shut. Everything felt ten times more intense than usual, ten times better, ten times more pleasurable. He swore he could hear the blood pounding as his dick pulsed in Naruto's wet mouth, feel the vibrations of Naruto's moaning knock into every nerve in his body, and the beat of his heart was thunderous in his ears. He gasped sharply when Naruto suddenly jerked back up before plunging down, and bit his lip to hold in a cry for more.

Naruto's head bobbed with little grace or rhythm, his own erection straining in his pants as Sasuke's fingers tightened in his hair. He deep-throated Sasuke once more, and that was all it took.

Sasuke's mouth opened in a silent yell as his thighs quivered and he erupted in Naruto's mouth, the pleasure of orgasm flaring inside of him and spreading like wildfire, burning from the curl of his toes to the very edge of his fingertips.

You didn't know a mind-blowing orgasm 'til you were high.

When Sasuke came down, he noticed Naruto's arm moving awkwardly and realized that he was jerking himself off while lapping up Sasuke's cum and the remainder of the syrup. Sasuke tugged him up, kissing him breathless and wrapping his hand over Naruto's, pumping him furiously until Naruto shuddered and arched, squirting jets of white over Sasuke's exposed belly.

They slumped on the counter, both of them lying fully on top of it now with a light, satisfied flush on their faces.

Naruto grinned tiredly and moved his fingertips over Sasuke's pubic hairs. "You're sticky," he murmured.

"Mhm," Sasuke's eyes had already fluttered closed, his fingers stroking lazy patters at the nape of Naruto's neck.

Naruto yawned. "We should uh… uh… shower…"


Naruto closed his eyes, feeling Sasuke's fingers slow until they rested limply on his skin. "M'kay, but just for a minute," he muttered.



The next morning, Itachi stared listlessly at his little brother and Naruto sprawled over their kitchen counter, drooling with their dicks hanging out of their pants. He chuckled under his breath before raising his hand and dumping a cold glass of water over both of them, smirking when they bolted up from shock and wound up on the floor.

"Asshole!" Naruto hollered while rubbing a fist in his eye.

Itachi sniffed and set the glass on the counter, looking down at Sasuke. "Well aren't you the lucky one, little brother."

Sasuke snorted and tucked his penis back into his pants, cringing at the dried syrup and cum that pulled at his pubes. "Where's mom and dad?" he grumbled.

"Out," Itachi answered and walked past them back towards the stairs to finish getting ready. "They've been at a retreat since yesterday afternoon. You might want to clean up before they return."

"You're not gonna tell?" Naruto called.

Itachi snorted. "That would require that I ask, and I don't want to know."

Sasuke closed his eyes and smirked, lifting his hand in a wave to thank his brother as Itachi left them to go back to his room.

Naruto huffed before grinning over at Sasuke. "Gettin' cleaned up s'not a bad idea."

Sasuke chuckled and stood up, reaching a hand out to Naruto with a small smile. "Not at all."


Yes, this is what Sasuke and Naruto do when no one's around. They get high, and they have chocolate sex. Look it up.