Standing in the way of control

Year 13 it is then.

Seems like its gonna be a good year. Lot of eighteenth parties, fucking up your whole entire life in just a few exams. Sounds...exhilarating.

And there it is...that familiar school smell, books and sex-fused adolescents, interesting combination.

I walk past the beauty tech lot, rolling my eyes at their dirty looks and sniggers. They just turned mean after they realised they couldn't screw my big brother just by knowing me. And that I really wasn't interested in going blonde.

Not that I care. Girls just don't seem to like me. And I'm guessing their sniggering at at least one of the rumours about me that generated during the past 12 months.

I'm not really looking forward to seeing the people who accumulated around me last year. I can't remember if they're pissed at me or not. I know, Freddy is after the ...ahem...incident a couple of weeks ago. I'll explain later, if you're lucky. Right now I have the issue of remembering my timetable, and where did I put it?

I dump my bag on the floor and rifle around in it.. Ah! There's the fucker. Before, I have a chance to get back up I hear a voice behind me I'd rather not have to ever hear, ever.

"Ah, Effy...that's the arse that brightens up my morning,"

I look up at Cook with absolute distain and pointlessly pull my cheek-revealing dress down a little...a little. He's not allowed to see my arse, again. No way.

"Fuck off Cook, yeah,"

"I see you've become a lot less friendly since you've been shagging Freddy, bad influence he is, he should really teach you some manners,"

Just a middle finger would do. And a haughty strut away.


Or fag?

English or fag?

Quite an easy decision.

Changing direction, I begin to walk out front, to the car park. Fumbling for the packet of cigarettes in my jacket pocket. Light a fag, relief.

A red car pulls up close by and two people get out. Girl and a guy. I don't know him, must be new. He's tall, stupidly tall, but not in a gawky way. He's fucking hot actually, got muscles and all that. Looks a bit older, I like the stubble.

Slight problem, he's got a little missus. Hm, I don't know if I know her. Vaguely familiar face. Blondish, one of those annoyingly sexy girls. Those ones that aren't supposed to be. Like, right now she's looking up at buff dude, her crescent-shaped eyes crinkling at the edges as she smiles. It makes her whole face shine. You must know what I mean. One of those really innocent faces, so innocent it just needs to be tainted. And any guy with a working cock and balls between their legs wants to taint it. He must be. He must be, really hard, almost every night...

But like I said, she's only a slight problem.

They walk past me. Annoyingly, he isn't attracted to my gaze. He's too busy looking at the prospectus. Fuck, I'll get him next time. Once he looks, I'm pretty certain he'd be hooked.

She notices though, she gives me an uncomfortable glance. Why does she have to look so cute all the time? Funnily enough, I get to thinking as I finish of my fag, she's like the me of a parallel universe or whatever. The exact opposite to me if there every was one, my negative. Or more like she'd probably be the positive.

Right, lingered more than I meant to. Just over half hour of English left to go. Better late than never.

Try to slink in, next to Naomi, but it isn't the nutcase teacher we had last year. They get fired so often you know. It's a new teacher, and this one apparently notices her students.

So I make up an excuse. Something along the lines of saving a baby from a fire, likely. Then I sit down, and scan the room. Freddy's there, just left of opposite to me. He's purposely not looking at me. I can see his jaw clenching with the effort not to.

I feel kinda sad, just at that moment. I have to look away.

Hang on, 3 seats behind me is that girl from the car park. She's in my English and I never really noticed her before. Shows how much I pay attention to only what I want. I stare at her more purposefully. She doesn't even feel the heat of my gaze. Just carries on scribbling away in a notepad. I see now, she must have just always had her head in a book. Perhaps, I hadn't ever got to see the full curiousness of her face before.

Naomi mention something about 'everyone' meeting up tonight, near the subway, apparently there's a rave nearby and they're intending on crashing it. Kind of a way of celebrating the beginning of a new school year, huh.

I said, 'I'll think about it.'


Went into the canteen at lunch, bought a fruitpot, sat by myself. Pandora wasn't in today, off with Thomas somewhere I think.

Watch as slowly the hall fills up. I feel like a shark, watching the little schools of fishes dart pass, averting my gaze, scared to be trapped.

JJ's a silly little fishy. He comes and sits beside me. I just stare at him, watch him getting a bit uncomfortable before he blurts out what he really wants to say.

"I think you should talk to Freddy, I really do," at my non-responsive face, he continues, "You really hurt him, but I'm sure he'd forgive you if you just talked to him."

I still don't respond. Something catches the corner of my eye. Freddy walks in with Katie. He's holding her bag. She's talking animatedly to him. In her silly, slutty Katie way.

"I think he's fine, JJ,"

JJ looks where I am and catches the scene. Looks back at me and pulls a face, I think. I'm not really paying attention. I'm trying to catch Freddy's eye.

There you go, got it. I give JJ a smirk and very obviously move my hand up his leg towards his crotch. He splutters, immediately turns red.

Freddy opens his mouth in surprise slightly. Then, he catches my smirk and his brow furrows into an intense frown. He puts his arm round Katie's shoulder, whispers something to her, she giggles. He stares deliberately back at me.

I lean towards JJ, nibble his ear slightly, just how Freddy likes it.

"Eff...Effy. What are you doing?" JJ pulls away a little. He looks incredibly flustered right now.

Freddy scowls harder, and result, comes marching over. "Effy, I can't believe your acting like this!"

JJ scarpers.

I just scowl at him. I quite like it when he gets angry. He looks kind of sexy. He takes this self-righteous stance, and his eyes sort of glisten. And, my god, his jaw clenching. That perfect jaw. Beautiful.

He's right up close to me now. I knew he'd burst some point today.

"Why are you doing this to me?! Explain what you want from doing this? It was going so well..." his voice echoes across the canteen. For a second I think he's going to shake me or something.

I just continue to stare, hoping, really hoping that my face has managed to stay composed.

He becomes aware of all the eyes focused on him. Sighs. Drops his shoulders.

His voice quietens down so that is barely murmur, "Can you just not play games, for once."

But that's what I do. I play games.

I get up. Purposefully, slowly. He holds my gaze. The fact I haven't said a word does not deter him at all. I hate how he knows what to expect from me, but I like how he hopelessly still expects something else all the same.

My face is inches from his now. He's not sure what I'm going to do but holds himself, he's good at that. You know what- I'm not sure what I'm going to do either.

Okay. This.

I avert my gaze and push past him. Walk away. Don't look back. Leave him standing there. Everyone staring. Let him feel a bit silly, a bit stupid. He can go back to Katie if he wants.