I know this is just the beginning of this thing and I shouldn't give away anything that might be in the epilogue, but I have to get this off my chest: I am currently planning on killing everyone involved in the making of this fucking thing (except for me of course--I like myself very much and have no plans on killing myself any time soon). James, Mark, Connor, Glenn, Phil...they all drove me absolutely fucking nuts! Those last three fuckers hijacked this book from me several different times and acted like what they had to say on the matter. Of course I actually had to help Connor hijack this thing because there was, is, and forever will be no chance in hell that he is ever going to touch my computer. Period. End of story. He can touch everyone else's computer, but not mine. My computer is one of my babies and the day he puts his clumsy little hands on it is the day I kill him for real. For shizzle.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, this is the introduction. What I still don't understand is why this thing even needs an introduction. Or better yet, why this thing has to exist at all? We can't publish this thing. If this got published, me, Dad, Connor and Mark would end up in jail for murder. And it's not like any of us are going to go back and reread this thing once it's done. It'll just either stay on my computer until I delete it or if I do have to print this, it'll just sit somewhere until Snoopy comes along and rips it to shreds. That's what that little fucking dog does now. It wants to eat everything because Connor gives him treats to get stuff back instead of scolding him like he should. So now Snoopy is stealing everything he can just to get his little doggy bones. Shoes, shirts, pants, tissues, socks, paper, plastic....he hasn't stolen any of my stuff yet, but if he does, I'm hitting him with a newspaper. That will teach the mutt to knock that shit off.
Oh fuck, I'm off track again. This is why I didn't want to write this introduction. But Dad's making me do it, just like he made me help out with the debacle that is known as his and Mark's biography. This bullshit started about four months ago. I remember the day perfectly. I was laying on the couch, trying to figure out what the hell I wanted to watch. Connor and Phil were bitching at me because I wouldn't let them watch they wanted. Connor had wanted to put in Transformers 2 and Phil had wanted me to turn it to Keeping Up With the Kardashians. But since I had already watched Transformers 2 with Connor four times the two days before that (Connor's more than a little obsessive when he starts watching a movie he likes) and there was no way in hell I was going to ever willingly watch the fucking Kardashians do anything, I told them both to go to hell. While they were whining and bitching at me, Dad had come in to talk to me.
"Would you two shut up?" he snapped at Connor and Phil. He was only wearing a pair of jeans and he had bruises all over him, which meant he had just gotten done having sex with Mark. "I need to talk to Cooper."
"But Daddy, Cooper won't let me watch my movie!" Connor whined. "And Phil's being annoying!"
"I am not!" Phil denied. It appeared that he was hurt by that statement, although it was hard to tell for sure with the forrest growing on his face.
"You are too!" Connor insisted.
"SHUT UP!" Dad roared. Normally he never yells at Connor like that, but when the two brats get into it, screaming at the top of your lungs is the only way to get them to shut the hell up.
Connor made a loud whining noise and then stormed off. There was absolutely no doubt that he was going to go to Mark and tattle on Dad for yelling at him. Phil just huffed and pouted. For a brief moment, he and Dad had a little stare down. But that ended when Dad acted like he was going to grab at Punk and Punk chose to run out of the room as fast as he could. "Little bitch," Dad muttered as he watched Phil run. He looked back at me. "I need your help with something," he told me.
"Okay," I said, already uneasy about where this conversation was going. Dad needing help usually never equaled anything good.
"Mark and I want to--"
"Wait, does Mark actually want any part of this? Or are you making him go along with whatever you have planned?"
"Uh....does that actually matter?"
I sighed. That meant Mark didn't want any part of it and was going to be an ass about the whole thing. "Just go ahead and tell me what you want Dad," I said. I thought that the sooner I found out what he wanted, the sooner we could get it all over with.
"Mark and I need a biography," he informed me. "And you're going to help us write it."
I stared at him like he had grown a second head. I hadn't even expected to hear anything like that. "A biography?"
"Yup," he confirmed.
"Uh...why do you guys need a biography?" I asked.
"Well I was reading--"
"You can read?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. The look I got in return was enough to make me cringe. "Sorry," I said quickly.
Dad kept glaring at me for a second longer before getting back to telling me what he wanted. "Like I was saying, I was reading the back of the new DX book--"
Of course he was only reading the back. Silly me actually thought he had opened a book for once in his life.
"--and I thought if they could have a book, then Mark and I should have our own book. I mean, you can't tell Mark's story without me and you can't tell my story without Mark."
"So you want a biography about the both of you guys?" I said, suddenly remembering that Family Guy was going to be on in two minutes aand wanting to wrap this conversation up as fast as I could.
"Yup," he confirmed. "But we need help typing it so that's where you come in. Can you help us out?"
Now this is the point where I fucked up. In my haste to see the new episode of Family Guy, I told him that I would help him out. The way I had figured it at the time, this was going to be something that he forgot all about before morning. But obviously I was wrong, and I paid for it by being annoyed out of my mind the entire time this thing was written. Interviewing Dad and Mark at the same time was a pain in the ass because they spent most of the time fighting, and if I interviewed them seperately, I would sometimes get two different versions of the same story. And then dealing with everyone else when they wanted to get their say in...*shudders*
So, in short, this is Dad and Mark's story, as told by them and as typed by me. Except for the parts that were hijacked...but I'm not getting into that right now because it makes my eye twitch. If anyone that's not part of the family comes across this, you will keep this a secret or you will be horribly murdered. This is your only warning.
(aka the man who will murder the Miz if he ever tries to touch my Jeff or makes fun of Connor again).