Unable to return to the Gryffindor common room after making asses of themselves, Harry, Ron, and Hermione retreated to the Library, where they began looking up information on the writer.
"There's gotta be something here that can help us find the identity of that writer." Harry said, dripping with determination.
"You know, Harry," Hermione said. "There's almost five hundred thousand stories about you on that website. I'm sure there's alot worse stuff out there, and I think you're making too much of this."
"She's kinda right, mate." Ron said. "While you were waiting for me in the bathroom, I looked up one with you and Lockhart, and another with you and Hagrid, and another one with you and Filch!"
"Goddamn it, at least Lockhart kind of has a nice ass, but FILCH?" Harry yelled angrily.
"And they're all written by the same person." Hermione said, for once not understanding the situation. Then, her eyes lit up. "Here's a hint about himself on his profile: 'I'm really into snakes. It's, like, the symbol of this fraternity I am under at school.'"
"Of course!" Ron said. "It's that little piece-of-shit Malfoy! I knew it, Slytherins always get off on defaming other people."
"Let's go kick his pasty, twenty-five year old ass!" Harry yelled.
"Dude, you're one to talk. You're turning twenty-one soon." Ron said.
"Fuck you! You're almost twenty-three!" Harry said.
"Boys, shut your fucking faces and let's just go!" Hermione said in exasperation. They all left and headed for the Slytherin common room.
**10 minutes later...**
Harry, Ron, and Hermione all waited outside the Slytherin common room, hoping to see Draco Malfoy emerge from the portrait hole. And, sure enough, after 15 minutes of lurking, Malfoy stepped out from the hole, that asshole smirk still on his face.
"It's okay." Ron said slyly. "I learned how to handle this situation from a Muggle movie I saw on holiday."
Ron walked out from behind the corner, stopping right in front of Malfoy. "Oh, if it isn't the Weasel King." he said in that asshole tone of voice. "Where's Potter? I thought butt buddies were ALWAYS with one another!"
Ron turned a deep shade of crimson, but maintained his composure. "Never mind that, Malfoy. I wanted to know if you knew anything about a story involving Harry and Neville turning up on the internet."
Malfoy laughed heartily. "Someone wrote that? Oh wow, I have to look that up when I get back to the dormitory."
"Don't play coy with me. We've been doing some research, and all signs make it look like you wrote the bloody thing, Malfoy. Or should I say, ~MyXChemicalXRomanceroxX1996X!!1 " Ron said triumphantly.
"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Malfoy said, and tried to get past Ron, but Ron was quick enough to block his way. "Hold on, Malfoy. " he said in that coy sort of voice again. "How about a magic trick before you leave?"
Ron conjured a wooden table out of thin air with his wand. Harry and Hermione looked at each other, wondering where in the world Ron was going with this.
Ron then pulled a pencil out of his pocket and slammed it onto the desk, making it stand up on the table. "I'm gonna make this pencil...disappear!" he said. He then took Malfoy's head and slammed it onto the table, causing it to enter his eye.
"Holy fucking asscrackers!" Harry and Hermione said in unison. Ron ran away past them yelling, "Hurry! Let's get back to the common room before the author managed to kill another main character!"
Just then, Dean Thomas walked into frame. "Hi, guys." he said in a friendly tone, right before a particularly fragile chandelier fell on top of him, crushing him to death.
"Too late." Hermione said.
**Back in the Gryffindor common room...**
They entered the common room, except for some reason, the entire place was empty except for Neville."Dunno anything about it, I just know that Fidelio is the password!" he said, before going up to the boys dormitory. They all sat in their chairs in front of the fire before Hermione took out her laptop.
"Oh, would you please not use that." Harry said, upset. "That thing's already caused me enough trouble as it is."
"Actually, it's causing you more!" Hermione said in a strange tone. "In the last 10 minutes, two new fan-fics have been published."
"Wait a tick..." Harry said, putting the pieces together. "Ron killed Malfoy 15 minutes ago! So it couldn't have been Malfoy!"
"Meh, I still stand behind my actions." Ron said, uninterested.
"And look!" Hermione said, the incredulous tone in her voice continuing to rise. "The user has changed his profile, it now says: "JK about that snake stuff. I'm rlly a LION'S MAN. RAWR!"
"So that means it's a Gryffindor!" Ron said, suddenly getting into the conversation a little more.
"Wait a minute." Hermione said, her eyes wide. She set down the laptop and broke for the boys dormitory. Harry and Ron looked at each other and ran after her. "Hermione, what are you doing?" Ron said, running up the steps. As they got to the top, they then saw Neville typing away on his laptop.
"And then Snape sucked Ollivander's dick. It was the roxors!" Neville read out loud, then noticed all three of them watching him and yelped.
"Neville, it was you the whole time!" Harry said, coming to the obvious conclusion that the readers had reached a paragraph ago. "You wrote about me fucking you!"
"Urm...yes." Neville said shyly. "I had to get out my sexual inhibitions somehow. But you know... I really wouldn't mind having the real thing."
The entire group laughed, and then dissolved into an awkward pause.
"Seriously though, are we gonna do it or what?"