This has been sitting for over a year and I have no idea why I didn't post it other than Spouse of Airdrie grumbling about it and another chapter as being beneath his standards ('Then lower your standards, duh!'). It was also unfinished. So I polished it up, got it together and here it is without Spouse of Airdrie's preapproval. He's A) not a coauthor on this fic and B) he's sleeping.
If one could possibly care about chronology in this parody, the 'pivotal events' of this chapter would fall before chapter 5. But again, who cares. Plus linear storytelling is soooo old fashioned.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, DC Comics, Warner Brothers or Cartoon Network. All websites mentioned are real, but I don't own them either and I may or may not have read anything on them. (Thank you Founding Fathers and your forethought for the Fifth Amendment, and of course, the First Amendment!) I do not own 3M companies but I do recommend Post Its. I do not own Disney World; actually, I've never been and I plan to keep it that way.
Remember: Parody, randomness, 4th wall destruction and out-of-characterness abounds!
In the meantime, please enjoy:
All Things Titan:
A Collection of Very Unlikely Tales
When the Comic Book Teen Titans
the Cartoon Teen Titans Meet
Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Raven Strike Back (But it's mostly Beast Boy)
Talkin' about... Fanfiction!
Time carried on. Kory, the original Tamaranean Starfire had been at Titans Tower in Jump City for over a week, and Dick Grayson, the first Robin (who, if you know your Comic lore is old enough to be MY father, which places him being born about the time the Neanderthals died out) had been there plenty long enough as well as far as the other three could tell. Plus it wasn't the natural order of things. Confusing even. ("It's making my brain hurt", complained a greener than usual young changeling.)
An extra Robin and an extra Starfire. Scratch that, after the second Monday it was an extra 'RobStar' as Beast Boy had found out the Fanfiction community called them. Oh yes, Beast Boy had discovered fanfiction, and life was about to even more interesting. Somehow his brain was hurting less as he began to plan. Or plot. Take your pick.
But before we go into that, gentle reader, we have to go into why such retribution was necessary. They were just getting used to the change from being the five titans to the couple and the robot, the changeling and the half-demon when 'the others' arrived...
Okay it was just Dick and Kory, but still: it was going into the second week with two couples and the other three. Was it going to continue? No, not gonna happen. Not on their watch. But when would it end? And how?
"Hey, Beast Boy," said a disembodied announcer.
Beast Boy stood up tall, rocking back on his heels once to make and tugging up the front collar of his costume to make sure he looked his best... for the disembodied voice. "Yessir?"
"Beast Boy, so your leader's double from the possibly-going-to-be-retconned-away-but-best-seller-ever-comic-book-title The New Teen Titans and his girlfriend, the one who was invented-for-Robin-and-teenage-boys-everywhere-by-having-a-crazy-curvy-body-and-no-clothes-and-stuff... ahem, Beast Boy, are you there?"
"Uh... uh... wuh... I'm here, dude, you were saying?"
"Yes, as I was saying, so Robin and Starfire and their doubles Dick and Kory are all there in your Tower just making googly eyes at each other and nothing is really getting done and you aren't being supervised."
"Um, yeah, you can say that."
"So what are you going to do now?"
"We're going to go to Disney World!" he answered triumphantly. He paused a minute. "But wait dude, I have a few things I need to do first, 'kay?"
There are moments when Beast Boy rose to the occasion, pulled his own weight. The epic battle in 'Titans Together'. The less epic battle but truly awesome defeat of 'The Source'. (Did you know that L. Ron Hubbard is known as the Source in Scientology? Coincidence? I don't think so...). Numerous incidents of comic relief. The sole reason for Raven's killer back hand.
Bookmarks. Post it notes. Two simple tools for the chronically memory-impaired. Things which come in handy when your brain gets full. But in the wrong (green) hands...
The Titan Computer had an Intranet for all users and now bookmarked under *favorites* were not only dccomics, newsarama, comicbookreview, scans_daily, HomeDepot, but now also fanfictionnet, literotica/celebrities, adultfanfictionnet, and livejournal. Oh and this thing called Tumblr.
In the cozy little computer area near OPS that Starfire sometimes uses, there was back up: there were dozens of Post it notes identifying certain authors and their stories. Even the ones written by an author in Australia!
And so it began... not so innocently enough.
It was one of those times that Starfire did not seek Robin's counsel. She cocked her head in confusion over all the new bookmarks on her computer screen. They hadn't been debriefed, but surely it was required reading material if it was bookmarked. Always one to show she was enthusiastic about Any. Given. Task. and knowing that Robin and Dick were currently rebalancing their escrima sticks, or whatever the kids are calling it these days, Star dove right into the reading material.
"Ah, the most important!" she enthused, as she consulted those lovely little yellow 2" x 2" notes of the It of Post.
Now her reading speed was not where it would be if she were reading Tamaranean, but it was fast enough to get through the recommended fanfics from the post its in a couple of hours. She checked the fanfiction site. There were so many about her and Robin - 3,453 in fact - not that she read them all.
Humans have great imaginations although some do not understand simple anatomy and how many hands one has occupied at one time when making with the love. Some of the stories made her swoon. Some gave her righteous fury. And what was with these stories making her a human (*scoff*), taking the Titans out of their 'universe' and putting them into everyday life? Who would do that?
And this idea that Robin was some sort of playboy and Batman hated her and Batgirl was always trying to steal Robin away... ridiculous. Well perhaps she would double check on what was going on with Batgirl. She was looking for an excuse for a death match, ahem, duel.
Starfire remained amused rather than disgusted (as Elvis had recommended; words to live by she decided although she was not a fan of red shoes)... RobRae? My Robin loves me. StarBB? I love my Robin. BBRae. What a glorious idea! I am so excited for them! She read on. Oh the many other Titan pairings, the possibilities...
That was until the Sladin fics were perused.
And this one embraces a nature of fetish I have never even heard of nor is there a word for such a thing in my language...
"What kind of sick fuck writes this stuff?" she growled, eyes glowing green.
Well that's a sentence you don't expect to come out of our sweet Cartoon!Starfire's (according to some) virgin lips...
Starfire was incredulous. Beast Boy had hidden. Cyborg was out 'waxing his baby' if you know what I mean. "Anonymous, what do you mean that the writers are anonymous? Am I to do the understanding that their parents did not give them such names as 'Grayson the mechanical fanboypart?'"
"Starfire, they're just stories. Nearly all are made up by creepy old people pretending to be teenagers - or maybe that's vice versa. Never mind. Anyway, they are people with too much time on their hands. Or worse, letting their kids play video games rather than feeding them so they can write-"
"You have a great deal of knowledge about this Raven, and apparently given it the thought. Have you ever-"
"Let it go, Starfire. Beast Boy was playing a joke; none of the writers would ever think we'd care about the stories, much less read them."
It wasn't that Raven didn't see the humor in all of this, but Starfire wanting to exact revenge on the anonymous writers was a problem that Beast Boy created, and now Raven had to do something about it. After I smack him in the head, I'm throwing Beast Boy out the window. Never thought of doing it before, but seeing it in so many fics for no reason makes ya think it's an idea of merit...
Raven was quite certain Starfire didn't. For some reason that made Raven happy. "Makes you think though doesn't it? Hey, there's a whole slew of ones about us!"
"Silly Raven, people must know we 'do not doing the swinging that way'."
"Sure they do."
Starfire put a finger to her own lips. "Hmmm. We are quite the intriguing couple. The adventures, the fun we could have..."
"Don't go there Starfire."
She eeped at Raven's extra two eyes appearing. "Just reading..."
"I'll just leave you to that, but again, this isn't required reading. It was a joke. By Beast Boy. Ergo, not funny."
"I understand that and you have been of great assistance, Raven." Starfire stopped and said with a wicked grin, "Shall I be calling you 'Friend Raven' from here on out?"
"Portals to dimensions that will make the Citadel seem like Candyland if you do, Starfire."
"I shall keep that in mind."
"Can I go?"
"Of course you may, Raven."
Starfire read on... and on...
Well this story is certainly the different. What a good point. Where is the junk that is Cyborg's? A short pause and she brightened, floated up into the air and spun. I shall go ask him! I'm sure he will be happy to explain it to us all at dinner this evening!
To be continued...
Thank you for reading and reviews are always appreciated. I have a few other chapters I'm playing with, I hope to update soon.