A/N: Damn that Malfoy, he's demanded I produce some story for this muggle woman. I think the whole thing odd and a little frightening, but haven't survived this long as a Death Eater by making unpopular viewpoints known. I have no idea what I did to deserve this, but a suitable revenge is being dreamt up as you read, never fear.
Severus Snape, Potions Master
The Heroic Potions Master who saved Everyone from their own Stupid Incompetance, by Severus Snape, with added commentary by Lucius Malfoy
Once upon a time there was a brave and noble Potions Master. Unfortunately, he was surrounded by morons the likes of which would drive a house elf to drink. The primary one was a twinkly eyed old codger who was, despite his appearance and ridiculous affectations, hands down the most manipulative, sly and cunning geriatric ever to shuffle the face of the earth, inflicting ridiculous stories on all of us, only this rheumy eyed dodderer's implausible ramblings were all true-ish, compelling his long suffering Potions Master to pay them heed, unlike those lucky, lucky sods who need feign interest only once or twice a year ( That's what you think--did you never meet my Mother in law?).
Adding to his many woes was this ancient old fox's favorite student, That Boy. The Boy looked exactly like the Potions Master's old nemesis, except even less respectful. His boon companions the Red Haired Jackass and the Strident Frizzy haired Know-It-All ( That's my future daughter in law you're talking about) compounded the problem, the girl more than the boy, because she was smarter.
Now, as it happens, this particular day the Potions Master was attempting to terrorize his students into creating potions that probably wouldn't kill the drinker. He was, in fact, contemplating that very thing (in the form of half a bottle of Ogden's finest hidden in his desk drawer) when one of the young dunderheads exploded yet another cauldron.
Sending the wounded to the Hospital Wing and availing himself of a soothing belt of whiskey, the Potions Master eyed his remaining charges with the greatest tolerance he could muster. "If I could feed each and every one of you to the Squid, I would do. I cannot. Dismissed."
The Boy grabbed his bookbag and started to leave, breathing in a very insolent way. The Jackass was attempting a witty sally, and the Girl (there, Malfoy, are you happy?) had her nose in a book.
The Potions Master noticed the Boy blinking in clear defiance of his authority and decided to step in and award him detention to help him learn some respect for his betters. The Boy sneered and, despite being clearly wrong, continued his rebellious bodily reflexes.
Just then, the Potions Master felt his arm tingling. He made his way to the meeting place and found himself faced by the other lunatic than tried to run his life. Around him were this other lunatic's followers, including That Smirking Pillock Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix, who has no indoor voice.
"I AM HIS MOST FAITHFUL!" She howled despite the fact that no one in the room had a hearing deficit (or hadn't until she spoke). All of them held their ringing heads and tried to control the instinctive urge to hex whatever made such a godawful noise at them before it could spawn.
"Well' said the smug sod who forced me to do this ' I think I'm right no matter what happens, so I'll mock you for a while and then retreat into superior silence."(I do not smirk. It's an expression of friendly interest) Yes, he did. He smirked as though it were being outlawed the next day. And seems to concede the point about Bellatrix.(Yes, well, there's no arguing with the obvious).
The Potions Master tried to keep the idiots from getting killed or hurting people who might not deserve it—except Black and the werewolf, he felt they should be hurting them more. Not that he got any thanks for it or they listened to him; God forbid anyone should take his concerns seriously. ( Please, Severus, whinge a bit more, it's ever so attractive).
And then he went home to the school, were he was oppressed and bullied by everyone, and no one appreciated his many good qualities. Also, he suspected that the caretaker was allowing the filthy cat to nest in his spare robes, though he could never prove it.
This is not strictly the end, but the remainder was an increasingly morbid and self pitying rant against a laundry list of people, including another pararaph about the cat. I think this was adequate punishment for giving Draco that contraception potion, don't you?
Oh, and I do not smirk.