flashback dreams


They're laying out on the beach with towels under them, sitting up and staring at the sky and the waves in their ears and stars in their eyes. The world is for their taking and for once it's all about them, no longer what everyone else wants (parents friends family school pressure careers).

This is the time when they can work on their minds, try to unravel every little web in their heads, find the beginning and it'll slowly lead to the end, where they can slowly untangle everything and find themselves in the end.

But for the time right now, it's just four teenage boys, laying on a beach, with the world in their ears, lovesex in their minds, and twinkling shards of dreams to be found in their eyes.

Logan has on a t-shirt and khaki jeans (wet from wrestling in the ocean) and he slowly watches the waves roll through the ocean and he closes his eyes and feels the cool night air hit his skin.

All he can think about is how, back home (Minnesota) this would never be possible. They would lie back in Kendall's treehouse and stare at the sky with the music playing softly in the background, an old beat up radio that they bought at a yard sale in seventh grade. James would slowly be humming along to whatever song was on, bruises still visible on his face in the starlight. They'd lie on their backs and talk about girls and growing up and families and lovesex (which is basically the same thing but totally different, they don't know a thing about girls (boys)) and how they were going to all go off and become famous with mountain-sized dreams and they would all stay best friends. The world was spread out wide open in front of them and they didn't know what to do first.

James would ramble on about playing music and meeting people and seeing the world as he tapped his fingers on the worn-out wood to some Beatles song (which was on 103.5, their favorite station, an oldies with songs they knew mostly by heart) and he would talk about how he would make everyone who laughed at him jealous, how they would all love him. All the seniors who had beat him up when he hadn't yet fully hit puberty (his legs and arms and body was too big and he was lanky and confused with an innocent baby-doll face that they used to love to punch him in the stomach for and call him a fag and princess and fairy and pansy while they laughed. He would come home bruised and cut up and say how it had been going on for weeks, until the guys stepped in. Logan changed their grades in the computer, Kendall destroyed their car and Carlos spray painted the outside of their house with fag and pansy and princess and fairy and they never messed with him again.) would apologize and everyone would want to be his friends and he could date the best models. He'd conquer the world.

Kendall would nod and listen and look at him with a heart-shattering expression that he thought he masked well (oh how he was good at everything but hiding his face) and then go on and say how he would play for the NHL. He'd be the best hockey player ever, no one would ever think about touching him. He would be loved and he'd be able to afford to send his mom on trips to Paris and London like she always dreamed about. He would buy them big houses and his face would be on ESPN. He'd have it all made, women (he was such a liar, and there's that heart-breaking look on his face again as he glances at James while he thinks no one notices, but Logan and Carlos are brighter than he thinks) and money and fame. He'd have the world in his hands.

Carlos would chew on Twinkies and scarf down Diet Cherry Dr. Peppers and say how he didn't know what he wanted to be. He would talk about being a teacher, a hockey player, a dancer, a mail man, a dumpster diver. He would ramble on about how, when he finally dropped out of school like everyone thought (and their reassurances fell on deaf ears) he would be a comedian. I like to make people laugh, he'd say while he chewed on a Star Crunch and spit crumbs all over the floor, eyebrows drawn together like he was in a bit of pain. (He was always the one to fail, his doubts would tell him.) He would talk about being able to have all the women he wanted, the clothes, the cars. He'd have his own TV special on Comedy Central called 'The Carlos Garcia Show: When Stunts Go Bad.' He would have women fall at his feet, he'd say between sips of soda as he stared at the ceiling. James would hush his singing and then he'd talk about how he was tired of five brothers at home and a dead mom and a (dead-beat) dad. He'd have the world watching him.

Logan would be the last one to talk, eyes closed as he felt the room spin. He didn't like attention, didn't like people looking at him and whispering about him, hear the murmurs of the weird nerd kid. It'd be silent for a few moments and then James would start back again on singing a Tears For Fears song. Logan would hesitantly talk about becoming a doctor, being the top of the class at Harvard. He'd write papers and publish them in medical journals. He'd have respect and he could save dying people. He'd have people's lives in his hands and he would mend them, fix the broken bones and put bandages on the cuts and give the little kids lollipops. He'd be a hero. (By this point, he'd be rushing and slurring his words like he couldn't get them out fast enough.) He'd save the people and they would love him. He could make sure that no young kids, no seven year old boy watched his mother die on the kitchen floor, spazzing and twisting and turning and moaning, while the little kid (Logan) would run to the phone and the 911 operator didn't take him seriously. They wouldn't come and he'd hang up the phone and cry on the floor while the mother took her last breath. He'd save the mother and that poor little child. He'd change the world, save people and mend lives. He'd save the world.

But now they're at the beach, in LA, in a boy band, with no direction and their whole life is flipped over. He laughs a little, shakes his head and stares at the stars.

Carlos looks over at Logan, sees him frowning and says some comment-- all Logan can hear is the blood in his veins and the heartbeat in his ears, thump thump thump loud and deafining-- and Logan laughs. Carlos grins a little crooked at him, painfully happy and a little sad and all pure.

He glances over and sees Kendall staring at the ocean with a face-splitting grin on his face while James is half asleep. He frowns, wrinkles forming at his forehead, and looks down and tries not to yell Finallly!

Their-- James and Kendall's-- hands are intertwined, fingers clutching each other's tightly. Kendall has his hand in his lap, his hand covering James's and they're trying to be as subtle and secretive as possible and failing miserably.

Logan knocks his hands against the edge of Carlos's thigh and whispers as softly as he can, "Look."

Carlos frowns, eyes slowly opening before his forehead crinkles and he looks over at the two of the members of Big Time Rush (the name and idea still manages to get him shell-shocked and exicted and scared and nervous and out right confused) and his face splits into a grin. "'Bout freaking time," he says with a smile.

Kendall looks over at their hushed, excited comments and frowns. He tries to look casual with his hand still holding James's, who is very close to falling asleep against his shoulder. "What?" he asks.

They both grin and bust into a badly-sung off-key version of 'James and Kendall sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.'

Kendall blushes and stutters for a moment, trying to deny it, when at last he just gives up and shakes his head. His face lights up scarlett in the night and that sends Carlos and Logan up on a fit of hysterics.

"So you're… okay with it?" Kendall asks quietly, voice a little shaky and fearful. His eyes are wide and looking at them, shining vulnerability and it manages to sober them both up pretty freaking fast.

"Dude, we've known for a while that you were after his ass," Carlos admits. Kendall goes red again and sputters syllables that don't quite form words.

"Yeah, we're fine. As long as you two don't start making out anytime soon where we can see, that is."

Kendall grins a little and Carlos goes off in a fit off laughter, holding his stomach. His teeth shine in the moonlight.

Logan turns his head towards the ocean, watches the black depths of the water suck in the light and it strikes him as deadly and beautiful. It could easily swallow somebody whole and take them forever, shattering everything.

Yet again, so could that, he thinks, glancing at the two lover-boys from his peripheral vision. James was fast asleep against Kendall, head buried in the crook of his shoulder and Kendall was leaning his head against the younger boys head. His face was lit up with joy. That could have torn us apart and shattered everything: the band, their relationship, our friendship.

But it didn't, he tells himself as he leans back against the towel and closes his eyes. So him and the girl-crazy Carlos are still single and the two members of their boy band are gay, whatever.

They still had the world open to them, and they were gonna take it big time.


an: I really like this one. Only took me about an hour and half to write, lol. So please review if you liked it, review if you didn't.