A/N: This is my first Glee fanfic. I've decided that though I may not like the things Quinn does, she is my favorite character because of how dynamic she is. You see so many different sides to her.
So a little background here (which I didn't think would fit in a first-person story of this type; it seemed out of place): after Finn finds out the baby isn't his, they break up and Quinn eventually finds a place to live on her own. Even though Finn is out of the picture, Quinn doesn't get together with Puck because she still isn't sure if he is capable of being a father. Quinn doesn't tell anybody that she's putting the baby up for adoption because she doesn't really want to face that fact. She's chosen a nice family to take her daughter, though, because she wants to be sure that her daughter ends up in a good home with good parents.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. I only own the two soundtracks and the DVDs. :(
Today I am alone. I don't want anybody to see me today. I tell nobody where I am or what is happening because it will only make the situation that much more difficult.
Never in my life did I even imagine that I would be a statistic of teenage pregnancy. It just didn't seem possible. I was the president of the Celibacy Club, for crying out loud! But a couple of wine coolers and unusually low self-confidence due to feeling a bit fat that day and next thing I knew, I was pregnant with my boyfriend's best friend's baby. Life sure has a way of throwing a curveball at you.
And of course I managed to screw up my screw up by lying about the whole situation. I was too ashamed by my mistake to admit to Finn that I cheated on him. I made him believe it was his baby, thinking it was for the best. But all it did was make everything worse. If I had just told the truth then maybe I wouldn't be alone right now.
I made a mistake when I slept with Puck, but that does not mean I regret her. I love my baby, I really do. She's my daughter. But I'm only sixteen. I can't give her a good enough life. I can't provide for her any more than my love. And sure, love means a lot, but it's not going to buy her diapers or food or pay the rent. Maybe I could do it if I had even the slightest bit of support from my parents, but they kicked me out because the only way they can deal with disappointment is to pretend it doesn't exist.
So all of this leads to the worst spring break of my life as I lie in a hospital bed in a blindingly white room holding my baby for the first and last time. My hair is messier than I think it has ever been in my entire life and sweat from the fourteen hour labor I had just experienced was leaving it plastered to my forehead as well. I don't care about this though. All I care about is taking in every last detail of my daughter before she becomes someone else's.
Tears fall down my face as I run my hand over her soft hair. It's blonde. I kiss her head as I wonder what color her eyes are. She's sleeping soundly so I can't see them. What I can see, though, is that she has my nose too. A tiny, baby version of my nose. I gently touch it with my finger, fearing if I more than brush it I will wake her from her peaceful slumber. She doesn't even flinch though. I guide her tiny hand around my pointer finger. It seems so perfect. She's mine.
At that moment, the amazing couple that I picked out to raise my baby walks in with the social worker who was dealing with our case. She's not mine, I'm reminded. She's theirs.
One last kiss on her forehead and then I reluctantly hand her over to the woman she would call mommy. My heart is broken and I don't think it will ever be able to be mended completely.
The tiniest first stitch was started, though, when her parents–oh, how I wish I was referring to myself–tell me that they wanted me to name her.
I half smile. I'm not allowed to give her any personal items because it is a closed adoption. But this is my chance to give her a piece of me.
That's what I name her.
It all seems like a blur after that. I don't remember signing the birth certificate or the adoption papers and I don't remember them walking out of the room with my baby. I turned away so I wouldn't have to watch my baby be taken by someone that wasn't me.
I don't even know how long I cry for after. I cry as I wonder whether she will act like me or not. If she will be a singer or a cheerleader, and I wonder if, God forbid, she will have to feel the same pain I am, lying here crying for a baby that was never even planned to be apart of this world. I hope to God that she doesn't ever experience the same kind of loss I am right now because nobody deserves this. Even after what I did to Finn and Puck, I hardly believe that I deserve this pain.
That's when I think of Puck and how much I will surely hurt him by what I did. I did it for our daughter, though, and I hope he will be able to see that.
I stay in bed all week long. I don't get dressed, I hardly eat, and I don't see anyone. The only thing I do for the entire week is cry. I spend Easter alone and for the first time in my life I don't go to church for the holiday.
I fall asleep the night before I go back to school at seven o'clock. I end up waking up at four in the morning. I shower but do nothing with my hair. I end up falling asleep again and just barely wake up in time to get to school without being late.
My body is sluggish – I have barely moved in the last week and my heart aches too much to even attempt to muster up any energy.
I float through the hallways, hardly noticing when I almost bump into someone.
The bell is about to ring for first period when I feel someone grab my arm. I turn to see Puck. When I see him, I start to tear up but I decide right then that I don't want to cry anymore.
He sees that I'm no longer pregnant and asks where she is. At first I don't respond. He asks me again, more forcefully this time, as the bell sounds. I tell him she's with her family and I begin to walk away from Puck, leaving him with the most heartbroken expression on his face that I never thought was possible for him to wear.
I took away his daughter. I didn't even tell him when she was born.
He follows after me, yelling at me, calling me a heartless bitch. I don't look at him as I tell him I did it for her. I tell him I may be a bitch but I am most definitely not heartless. If I were heartless I wouldn't be feeling so much pain right now.
He punches a nearby locker as I slip into my classroom, questioning again whether or not I did the right thing.
I don't go to glee practice today. I don't want to deal with the questions or the pity or the sympathy. My fellow glee members try to stop me in the hallway but I ignore their greetings.
As my friends try to catch my attention and the other McKinley High students snicker and whisper about me, I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. It doesn't feel like it.
I want to believe that giving her up was the right thing to do but my broken heart says otherwise. I wish I could take it back – take her back. But I can't. I'll never be able to watch my baby grow up.
The day is finally over and I slip into my car, breaking the promise I made earlier. I can't help but cry. I hold the steering wheel as I sob…just like I did when I first found out I was pregnant.
I don't notice the passenger door opening until I hear Puck's voice. He tells me he forgives me and I wrap my arms around his neck. I cry into his shoulder and I swear I hear him crying softly too.
I continuously apologize as tears fall from my eyes and over and over I tell Puck I wish I hadn't given her up.
Puck tells me it's all going to be okay. He sounds so confident. I hug him tighter and think that maybe he's right. Maybe it's possible for me to eventually be happy again. Even if that is true, I know for sure that I'll never stop thinking about our baby.
A/N: Btw, just wanted to let you in on something about the name...I wanted Quinn to be the middle name and then I decided to use Holly as her first name because my new baby cousin's name is Holly Quinn. Haha. :D Oh and I hope you like the style I used where there was no actual dialogue. So much of it was just Quinn alone that when Puck came into it, I didn't want to change it by quoting what they were saying. I kind of liked the way Quinn was summing up the situation. And I've also decided that present tense is so much better with first person. :)