Bonjour mes amis!

Great ta see y'all! So...First story...yikes! SO! This was supposed to be all funny, but I'm...not really good at that. It's starting to get all serious and broody. Oh well, this is my attempt at comedy styling until I get some more stories up.

Notes, notes, notes, notes.....This takes place...In a semi-AU universe, I guess. Still EVO just - adjusted. Jean and Scott are adults like the movies. The rest is explained I think. Any questions just ask away!


The day had started off normal enough. She had woken up to Kitty's annoying singing, taken a shower, put on her make up, pushed Gambit down the stairs (it was two steps!) and headed off to class.

So, how did it come to Logan standing at the front of the class room holding a small, squirming...thing, with all intents of it being her responsibility?

To begin with, this whole thing was all Professor X's fault. After Apocalypse, he decided his mutants had being getting a little too much spotlight (in other words, strangers with cameras had started following them everywhere). His solution? Move the mansion (a feat not as difficult as it sounds, what with the whole place full of mutants) to a "quieter" neighbour - leave no forwarding address. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Which, to Rogue, sounded kinda like perfection. No more stares...okay, there were still stares, but now there were fewer of them....which is always nice. No more public school, which meant Mystique couldn't just pop up out of no where. Again, nice. And the cherry on top? The mansion was rebuilt bigger than it had been before, to make room for new mutants, and Rogue had snagged herself a prime locale room, top floor (a floor reserved for 'long term' students. A.K.A students without homes or families who would continue to mooch off the professor until the end of time), huge window facing out over the grounds and...no roommates!

Like most things however, there were also downsides. One - More room in the mansion meant more recruits, namely, Remy LeBeau or Gambit. Or Swamp Rat. Or Gumbo. It really just depended on who you asked. The boy would just not leave her be! She was think about giving him that kiss he begged for, just to shut him the hell up for a few hours. But then he'd be in her head.

Two - Because there were so many young mutants in the school, and they couldn't all go to public school with out being found they had to turn the mansion into a school. "Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters." Gifted her butt. And since there was still such a stigma about mutants it was hard to get teachers, so they used who they had. Jean, Scott, the Prof, Ororro and....Logan. *Insert shudder of fear here*

And last, but not least...Since she had gotten her own room on a sparsely occupied floor of the mans...school, she was accused of being antisocial and cold toward the other students. So, she spent more time in her room than she did anywhere else. So what? If you had multitudes of voices running through your head at any given moment AND you lived in a mansion full to the brim of loud, obnoxious young'uns you'd be seeking solace every chance you got too!

Which brings us back to the story-

Rogue had gone through the day without incident. Which should have been her first clue that everything was about to go horribly, horribly wrong.

"Sex is bad. Don't do it."

Logan turned to face the class, arms crossed, his expression both embarrassed and fierce. No doubt this was the last subject he ever wanted to cover with a room full of hormonal teenagers. He really drew the short straw when it came to teaching classes - Danger room (which, on its own, is great...But he was a "co-teacher" with large-stick-shoved-up-his-ass Summers), History (because he had lived through most of it. Of course he didn't remember any of it, but Ororro didn't seem to think that mattered) and Health class.

The classroom was filled with muffled snickers, nervous giggling and numerous groans.

"I don't like this any more than you do. Let's just try to make this as painless as possible, alright?" Logan rolled his eyes as he heard the boys in the back corner giggling and That's what she said -ing. "Give me reasons you shouldn't be having sex."

"Ya mean besides tha fact that ya'd skin tha guy alive?" Came Rogues response. He gave her sardonic look.

"I mean besides the obvious."

"When we talk 'bout reasons ya should be 'aving sex?"

"Next year."

"But we graduate this year."

"I know." Logan gave a grin, showing his teeth. "Now, reasons people. No need to put your hands up, shout'em out."

"Da fille get clingy in da morning'"

"Tha guy has tha emotional maturity of a six yea' old."

"STD's"

"Actually they're called STI's now."

"What? Why are they called that?"

"It has something to do with-"

"ENOUGH!" Logan shouted over all the chatter. "I changed my mind. No one speaks until they are called on. Got it? And be serious people."

Gambits hand went up like lightning. Logan called upon him with great reluctance. "Yes, Gumbo?"

With a very serious expression Remy lean forward in his seat, as if telling Logan a secret from the opposite side of the room. "You should know by now, monsieur Claws, dat I a'ways take sex very seriously."

Logan was not amused. "You open your mouth one more time cajun, and you'll be spending the rest of your years in the danger room."

Needless to say, Remy zipped his lips and sat back in his chair.

"Okay, so we have...STI's. Anything else?" He scanned the room. "Sam?"

"Uh...emotional maturity. Some said it earlier as a joke but..."

"No, it's a good one. Thanks Sam."

The class began to debate back forth their suggestions from girls maturing faster than boys to the morality of sex before marriage. By the end Logan was actually pretty impressed with his students. Except...

"I think there's a glaring hole in our list here. Any body else?" The class was silent as they looked on, confused.

"Gawd." Rogue rolled her eyes, removing her boots from her desk where she had been laying out while her classmates had made with all the chatter. "Seriously? Hey, Kit, where da babies come from?"

"Babies?" The light bulb went off and Kitty turned back to Logan, embarrassed for not having thought of it sooner. "Unplanned pregnancy?"

"Very nice...Rogue." He shook his head, hiding a small grin as she just gave him a humble wave, as if she was above all this.

"What ever." She grinned.

He wrote the word family up on the board and circled it. The students began to groan, having guess where all this was going.

"And now for your assignment." He walked along the class, a bucket in his hand. "Every guy will pick one of the girls names out of the bucket. As of now, she is your wife-"

"Uh Mister Logan?" Kurt interrupted.

"Yes Kurt."

"Can ve re-draw?"

"Ya get who ya get Elf."

"But, Mister Logan-"

"What Elf?"

"Itz not zat I am trying to make trouble itz just..." He held the paper up to Logan face. "Zis breaks a law, I think."

Seeing Rogues name on the slip of paper, Logan nodded, taking the paper. "Re-draw."

"Well, Ah neva!" Rogue stood with her hands on her hips. "Ya don't wanna marry me? I thought ya loved me?"

"Sit down, Rogue." Logan, once again, shook his head, while Kurt covered his face over his desk, mortified by his sisters antics.

"I'll marry y' chere."

"Bite me swamp rat."

"Oh, can I? Please?"

"Pick your name Gumbo." Logan cut the argument short by shoving the bucket into Remys face. Remy reached his hand in, pulling out a name. When he read it, he burst out laughing. Taking the paper from him, Logan glaced at it and grimaced before giving Rogue a sympathetic look. The appearance of horror that took over her face made Remy laugh harder.

"Ah wanna divorce."

"Not an option.":

"Than ah'll become a widow."

That ceased Remys laughed.

"As I was saying...you are now all married. You will eat together, you'll 'buy' a house together. You'll be keeping on a budget and making all kinds of important decisions - where to live, where do you buy groceries, what do you buy for groceries. Everything. Each one of you will keep a journal for the next three weeks." He pointed to the stack of journals he had on his desk.

"Now, some of you may notice that there is a blue plus sign on the corner of the paper with your partners name. Congrats!" He reached under his desk and pulled out two carton of eggs. "Meet your children."

The class room erupted into chaotic chatter as there were complaints and excitement all around as Logan handed out the eggs.

"Mr. Logan?"

"Kitty?"

"It doesn't look like I have a partner." She looked behind her as most of the class had begun to pair up.

"Huh? Oh! I forgot." He removed the final two names from the bucket. "You and...Jubilee. There are more girls than guys so..."

Kitty looked down at her name as Jubilee joined them. She saw a blue plus sign on the corner of her paper. "Does this mean I'm a single mother?"

"Nope."

Jubilee retrieved her paper from Logan, seeing a similar blue mark in the corner. "Don't leave us hanging Wolvie! What does it mean?"

"You two are our 'alternative couple'." He handed each of them an egg. "Congrats." He returned his attention to the class.

"You will treat this egg baby as your own. You'll name it, feed it, bathe it, care for it. You don't leave it alone. You don't boil it. Treat it with all the 'lovin' tenderness' you'd show your real kid. This may be as close-"

*WHOOSH**CRUNCH**SPLAT*

Logan stood for the crouching position he had been forced to take, assessing the mess that used to be an egg all over the wall where his head had been. The entire class was staring at Rogue in horror. She stood, a snarl on her face, and her hands on her hip.

"Stripes....I know I didn't say it, but I just figured it was a given that you don't throw your children at a wall."

"A baby Logan? Reallah? Are ya tryin' ta be cruel?" Anger and hurt radiated from her voice and made Logan feel a little bad.

"This isn't punishment Rogue."

"Ah ain't carrying around some egg, pretendin' its something ah can never really have."

"Now Chere-"

"Can it, LeBeau!" She returned her attention to Logan. "Ah can't play pretend with this Logan. Class or not."

"Figured you'd say something like that."

"Ya....what?"

"And that's why we have an alternative." Logan reached under his desk again, this time pulling out a much larger box, with holes in it. Opening the box he pulled out something bigger than an egg. And furriers.

"Is that a...."

"Logan...."

"Stripes. Gumbo. Meet your baby." He sat the bundle onto Rogues desk.

"No fair! How come Rogue gets a puppy?"