This is inspired by every m-preg fic I've ever read which have all left me feeling… violated and confused. I'm not trying to barb or call anyone out, but this is satirical so take that as a warning. I do apologize if you find yourself offended as that is not my intention. I just want to poke fun… so to speak. I realized that the only way I can enjoy an m-preg fic is if it's senselessly absurd because reality and male pregnancies don't mix no matter how hard we all try – it's like sticking a square peg in a round hole. Cram all you want, it's not going to fit. And yes, that is a purposefully suggestive metaphor.
Warnings: satiricrack (satirical crack) about male pregnancy with the possible portion of lemonade to quench any of that dryness. There will be a side of randomness for kick that has been whipped to a fluff. Taking this lightly is highly recommended.
"Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses." –Deb from Napoleon Dynamite
Like a Seahorse
Lelouch's feet shuffle as he walks to his bedroom.
His slight slouch is straightened by a yawn that squirms up his throat and pries his mouth open so its fat form can crawl out with the snaps rattling down his spine. He rubs the traces of tears away from his eyes that the yawn had squeezed out and his shoulders roll back in their own stretch. Once his mouth clamps shut again with a clap of his teeth, his shoulders droop along with his eyes, and he trusts his feet to take him to the appropriate room in which he may retire.
He doesn't want to repeat that macaroni incident again.
Even so, he is so exhausted that he'd sleep anywhere at this point without a care as long as it's silent and dark. He should have known better than try to explain chess to Tamaki when the pawn had asked him to – in a completely inconspicuous move to prove that he's into whatever his favorite buddy is into; which Lelouch would have found creepy if he didn't know Tamaki. Lelouch was a bit surprised that he didn't know anything – anything – about chess, but then he remembered that it's Tamaki and he quickly forgot the thought as fast as it came.
Too bad he didn't take his realization – that it's TAMAKI – as a warning. He would have saved himself a headache that pinched its way to a migraine that pounded so hard around his skull Lelouch almost thought it would crack his mask in half. Luckily, that hadn't happened. Unluckily, his head suffered an explosion after the twentieth time of explaining each pieces' name… Or perhaps that was when a very, very, very, very dusty light bulb lit up over Tamaki's head with the excited exclamation of:
"So that's where the pawn analogy came from!"
No one bothered to correct Tamaki about it being a metaphor, not an analogy. They just shook sympathetic heads at Lelouch – or rather, Zero – mentally thanking whatever God is in heaven that they were not in his shoes.
Lelouch mentally cursed them all to Hell.
He had never thought it was possible, but Lelouch might actually be off chess for a while. Nothing sobers a person up better than headache-inducing stupidity.
Lelouch's dragging feet scoot him into his room where his eyes are blinded by a light – making Lelouch double-take by pinching himself to make sure he hadn't suddenly fallen unconscious… Or that Tamaki's stupidity hadn't killed his brain without his notice, making him a clueless spirit wandering its way home. He doesn't know any other reason why there should suddenly be a bright, white light beckoning him into his bedroom. C.C. has her own bed at the Black Knight's hideout, so there's no reason anything strange should be going on here; moreover, it's about two in the morning.
After a few nail bites split his skin – because he just wants to be absolutely positive his brain isn't dead – with his eyes cowering underneath narrowed eyelids, he sees a timid cast of evergreen eyes sitting on his bed, basking bashfully under the vivid glow.
Speaking of stupidity…Lelouch thinks wryly. But at least Suzaku understands chess even if he isn't close to mediocre at playing it – he wasn't even that hard to teach.
"Suzaku, what are you doing here so late?" Lelouch asks trying to sound casual despite how incriminatingly strange it is for him to be the one stumbling into his room at such a late hour.
Suzaku doesn't seem so concerned about that, however.
Only the stagnant air of the room is Suzaku's reply as Lelouch walks towards the bed, putting his hands in the pockets of his gray pants – his school uniform traded for his favorite set of street clothes. He looks down at Suzaku critically as the seconds of silence add up to minutes and as those minutes, add up to more minutes – would Lelouch really let this drag out all night? Maybe, if he wasn't so tried – in which Suzaku will not connect their eyes.
Obviously, something is wrong.
"Is something wrong?" Lelouch tilts his head and bumps Suzaku's knee with his own, the action looking very much like someone poking a comatose body with a stick.
Suzaku seems to flinch a bit – or twitch like a limp body stirring underneath that stick – and his clasped hands clench, tight.
"I, um… I…" he clears his throat and squares his shoulders but holds his eyes against the floor like the world will implode if he looks away from it. "I have somethi~ng to tell you," he answers with a crack breaking his voice.
Lelouch lifts an eyebrow at the suspicious behavior – suddenly he doesn't feel so incriminated.
"What is it?"
Suzaku fidgets a little and his hands readjust their slick grip on each other.
…Why is Suzaku sweating?
"You should sit down…" the boy murmurs, his shoeless feet shifting around each other.
Lelouch feels a shot of anxiety blow through his chest and his eyebrows knit together.
"Suzaku," Lelouch says with a worry ridden tone, "what is it?"
Suzaku's hands contract hard again, "Just sit down, please." Suzaku's voice is stronger, but the waver halfway through still exposes his insecurity.
Lelouch heeds the awkward air breathing around Suzaku's request and seats himself next to the eye-contact-avoiding teenager. Adding his weight to the mattress seems to relieve Suzaku's shoulders of some of the invisible pressure pushing down on them; he even lets out a shaky sigh as his muscles relax somewhat around his rigid bones.
Lelouch is too impatient and anxious to wait for that imaginary cat to release Suzaku's tongue.
"Did something happen?"
He catches a glimpse of green when Suzaku looks at him with a glance, his shoulders straining again.
"What is it!?" Lelouch demands loudly and confused. Suzaku looks to be fine, physically, so it must be something else… but what?
Suzaku cringes, "Lelouch, it's…" Lelouch can practically see the words jumble around in Suzaku's head as if in hopes that the right ones will just fall out until he suddenly turns his body to face him. After a brief lapse of silence, those elusive emeralds return his stare and the tentative sheen over them fills Lelouch's chest with dread. "Lelouch, I… I'm pregnant."
Suzaku's face is contorted in scornful uncertainty at the blank look of the older boy beside him that has been idle for too long. Perhaps a few minutes of shock are appropriate, but, this recovery time is slower than the time it would take for this fetus inside Suzaku to grow and be born. Lelouch probably won't even be out of his shock by the time their child graduates high school!
Lelouch hasn't even blinked—!
Wait. There's one.
Suzaku scowls, "Why aren't you saying anything!?"
Lelouch blinks again, "Hm? I'm waiting for the punch-line."
Suzaku's gives him the same look Lelouch usually gives to Suzaku: you're an idiot.
"…I thought that maybe you forgot it, so I was waiting."
Suzaku growls, "This isn't a joke, Lelouch!" His fingers rough his hair. "I'm serious."
"NO!" Suzaku waves his hands emphatically in front of Lelouch's face. "No more 'silence'! Say something," he implores nervously but eagerly.
Lelouch runs his eyes over Suzaku, as if seeing him for the first time – just like when they were kids, Lelouch's princely eyes are studying but not scrutinizing.
"Impossible," Lelouch announces easily – patronizingly.
Suzaku is still scowling, "It's not impossible. How else do you explain my… situation!?"
Lelouch pauses in thought, actually pauses to consider his answer.
"I think you've been reading too much of that junk Milly calls literature. All those boy-love novels are garbage, Suzaku. How many times have I told you that? Just because a select few of them in those stories got pregnant doesn't mean that it's actually possible," Lelouch mutters blandly. "You didn't get confused between non-fiction and fiction again, did you? I'm sure you only think this because your poor brain—"
"I have the test results to prove it," Suzaku steely cuts in.
Lelouch is taken aback.
That changes everything.
Suzaku's cheeks turn a little pink, and he twists his fingers together like a child stalling his punishment, or embarrassment, looking away from Lelouch's eyes.
"Then let me see it."
"If I can't be silent than neither can you, Suzaku," Lelouch deadpans. "Show me the results."
Suzaku's foot nudges at the floor diffidently, "I don't have it on me."
Lelouch sighs, "But you saw a doctor, and they did tests and told you that you're pregnant?" Lelouch asks to Suzaku's fleeting gaze, but then he shakes his head. "No, wait. Why did you go to the doctor in the first place? You told me you had military duty tonight." That's why Lelouch suddenly found his afternoon free, because Suzaku flaked on him. He initially didn't have any plans regarding the Black Knights tonight, but with Suzaku running off to play soldier, Lelouch figured he should use his time wisely by sorting some things out that he'd been procrastinating to deal with. The budget issue that Tamaki managed to fumble right out of his hands was on Lelouch's list – thus leaving him at the mercy of his underling's astounding idiocy.
Yes, Lelouch's brain-heart-attack is Suzaku's fault.
And Milly's. She had been giving Lelouch that Cheshire cat smile that signals the apocalypse during the whole meeting. Safe to say, he fled the student council room like a rat fleeing a sinking ship when the meeting was over.
Suzaku finally looks at him again, "I did, it's just, you know…"
"No, I don't know."
Suzaku sighs at the brick wall that is Lelouch's stubbornness.
"It was a physical. Lloyd makes me have one regularly to make sure his 'precious part' stays in top physical condition, to monitor me. So, I wasn't lying to you. It's like a duty…"
"Alright…" he scratches the back of his head—"Wait! Did you see a medical physician or did that madman conduct the physical?"
Suzaku's brow wrinkles, "Lloyd, why?"
"Because that man is probably just tricking you or he's incompetent. He may have enough medical knowledge to repair a human's anatomy but I'm not so sure humanity as a whole is something he understands."
Suzaku pouts, "Lelouch, that's not nice – even though you're probably right – I'm sure he knows the difference between men and women."
"That's why you're pregnant?"
Suzaku's expression pales before it seems to slide right off his face.
Lelouch feels a sardonic chuckle bubbling out of his throat.
"Suzaku, you're too gullible."
Suzaku glowers, "No, Miss Cecile double checked. I'm pregnant, it's a fact."
Lelouch feels the need to pinch himself again.
"All right, since everyone seem so certain that you've got a bun in the oven, tell me how it happened," he commands in an irritable string of words, crossing his arms.
Suzaku's cheeks mature from pink to red and his eyes sink again, this time swinging like pendulums that are ticking down the seconds left of Lelouch's patience. He holds his fist in front of his mouth and clears his throat again, looking at Lelouch like he needs to plead his innocence to a judge.
Lelouch starts to tap his foot.
"Yeah, um… Well, you see, when a man and a woman—err, man and a man, in this case I guess – love each other very, very much—"
Lelouch can feel that migraine eating his brain again as he is being submitted to more of this cancerous stupidity—
"—and if they trust each other just as much, then they, ah… engage in an activity together that, uh… is, um, very intimate and physical, where, ah… they—"
"Suzaku," Lelouch growls – he was almost willing to let Suzaku struggle with that one, but his tolerance threshold is beginning to drain rather rapidly. "I know what sex is. I know how a woman gets pregnant. I know the female body—"
Suzaku dares to giggle at that—
Shutting up instantly like Lelouch's calamitous, blazing eyes snipped his vocal cords—
"I understand how a man impregnates a woman, but how does a man impregnate another man?" He watches a gulp slide down Suzaku's neck as more muted moments sashay between them. "…They didn't tell you?"
"Ah, no, they did, it's just… I can't remember exactly what they said – they were talking really fast and using a lot of words I didn't understand, and…" Suzaku trails off as Lelouch exhales heavily, rubbing his temples with his finger and thumb while closing his eyes.
"You can't remember anything?" Lelouch asks tiredly.
Suzaku's eyebrows crease angrily, "Is this so hard for you to accept, Lelouch?"
Lelouch flicks his eyes up to Suzaku, letting his hand smack his leg, in a condescending gape.
In other words: duh~ you moron!
Now Suzaku crosses his arms stiffly over his chest with a sour face.
"I don't know why. Haven't you ever heard of seahorses?"
"Seahorses?" Lelouch echoes like the word is gibberish despite knowing exactly what the creature is.
"Yes, seahorses. Don't you know that the male is the one who goes through the pregnancy?"
Wait for it…
Lelouch's lips tremble as laughter falls away from them, flying into the air with light flitters that nibble at Suzaku's pursed face.
"What's so funny?"
Lelouch is holding his stomach, choking on the air fighting to rush in and out of his lungs.
"I'm, I'm sorry Su… Su-Su-Su-Su~!" Lelouch tries, his jovial chortles snuffing out his voice before it can grow.
[Several spikes of laughter later]
Lelouch is crying and wheezing as his giggles begin to subside, dissolving into each other like fizzy tablets in water. He sighs with a whistle and flicks tears away from his eyes, drying the trails glistening his flushed face.
"…Oh, Suzaku. I haven't laughed"—chuckle—"that hard in a, in a"—snicker—"a while…"
He looks at Suzaku; the boy's face is so annoyed, so outrageously aggravated that the twisting purse he held has squeezed his features so tight around each other that they have been swallowed up by the center of his face like a giant whirlpool gobbles down a sailboat.
Lelouch arcs an eyebrow at the expressionless face glaring at him.
"What's with that look?"
"Oh, I don't know, Lelouch. Why don't you fill me in on what's so FUNNY?" he snaps, his face instantly back to normal.
Lelouch has to slap away the smile tempting his lips – he's extremely fond of Suzaku's face, so he doesn't want it disappearing into that obscure sinkhole in his skull ever again.
Because that's just weird.
Lelouch quickly composes himself, "Suzaku, you can't compare yourself to seahorses."
"Why not, it's the same case here isn't it? I'm a male, and I'm pregnant."
Quit reminding me.
"Yes, but it's completely different. Are you trying to say that you've suddenly morphed into a seahorse, or something? There's no way that's possible. Besides, male seahorses don't exactly get pregnant. The female lays her eggs in his pouch and then he fertilizes—"
"Well that's just fine, Lelouch! You stupid… stupid smarty-pants!" Suzaku suddenly shouts as he vaults up from the bed, flailing his arms around erratically like a disoriented traffic cop. "You won't even let me have the seahorses, will you!? Why can't I ever have anything!?"
Suzaku points at him in a dramatic stance that's too reminiscent of one certain terrorist and it makes Lelouch feel like Suzaku is stealing it from him—err, Zero.
"You never let me have anything," Suzaku says. "You always have to prove me wrong in everything that I say."
"That's because you're always wrong."
"Seahorses, Lelouch. Seahorses. Why can't I just have the seahorses?"
Suzaku's really lost it.
"If it isn't the Seahorse Syndrome"—something Suzaku just made up—"than what can it be?"
Really, really lost it.
"Suzaku, I'm sure you're not some seahorse in a human's body, or a human sharing a seahorse's body… or whatever. You're just—"
"A freak! I'm a freak no matter which way you spin it, right?"—sniff—"What kind of male gets pregnant if he's not some freak of nature?"—sniffle—"Am I a woman in a man's body? Am I suddenly a hermaphrodite or have I always been one without knowing it? Do I have some kind of sickness or mutated gene? Have I exposed myself to some kind of chemical that's given me the power to get pregnant – was it something I ate? Was I abducted by aliens who conducted some strange and twisted experiment on me and then wiped my memory so that I wouldn't be able to remember it…?"—sniiiiiiif—"What other explanation is there?"
Yep, full-blown hysteria.
"Suzaku…" Lelouch calls softly, standing up from the bed as Suzaku's pretty face nests into his palms. "You're not a freak."
And everything else you said is just ridiculously illogical.
"Yes I am!" is his muffled counter. "That's what everyone's been calling me my whole life, so it must be true. Especially now, with-with this."
Disgusted fury churns in Lelouch's belly, swelling his chest with its thick smog so profusely that his eyes turn to slits and his throat tickles. He watches Suzaku's form tremble with stifled sobs through the loathing lenses of his eyes, wondering if it's possible that Suzaku can remember the name of every person that ever belittled him, insulted him, degraded him and if he'd be willing to give those names up. Lelouch's personal hit-list isn't terribly long – depending on which one he is referring to – and he's sure he'd have plenty of time to exterminate all these blasphemers for ever hurting Suzaku when he's done playing super hero.
He gently, lovingly, combs his fingers into Suzaku's hair after an attempt to pull Suzaku's hands away from his face came up fruitless – unless he was trying to remind himself how weak he is, then it was quite a fruitful expense of energy.
"No, Suzaku. They're wrong. They're bigoted degenerates that can't see past the end of their own noses." Lelouch consoles tenderly as he pets brown curls.
"So then what am I if I'm not a freak?" Suzaku blubbers.
Lelouch gathers Suzaku in his arms, pushing the shorter boy's face into the safe solace in the crook of his neck while he rubs Suzaku's back with reassuring strokes.
"Che! Special. That's just another way of saying freak."
Lelouch dips his chin so that his nose nuzzles the chocolate swirls atop Suzaku's head.
"No. It means you're special," he says calmly, never ceasing his soothing motions. "You're in a class all by yourself that only exceptional persons like you are allowed to access." He kisses Suzaku's head, "That's why I lo—" his chokes a bit on that four-letter word "…Why I cherish you."
I am Lelouch Lamperouge, and I approved this message.
Suzaku sniffs again; it's a delicate sound buried in Lelouch's chest.
"…You… really mean that?"
"Of course," Lelouch responds, fully prepared to take his statement and run with it as far as he can, but he decides on a better option. "And you know what else, Suzaku? The seahorses… I think it's something that's still under study, so… you could be right."
As long as Suzaku is pacified it doesn't matter.
It's not like Lelouch wants those seahorses anyway.
Suzaku lets out a deep breath, "Thank you, Lelouch. You have no idea how much that means to me." he lifts his head, eyes red and his cheeks stained by tears, but there is a small smile on his lips and it's like seeing a rainbow at the end of a storm.
Too bad the worst has probably yet to come.
"You have no idea how much you mean to me." Lelouch smiles back, pinching Suzaku's cheek affectionately.
Something of a quiet laugh slips out of Suzaku's smile.
"Well, hello, Mr. Romantic. I haven't seen you in a while," he teases but greedily accepts the kiss Lelouch pushes against his lips.
"Tell anyone I dropped by and it's curtains for you," Lelouch jokes back, fondly stroking the cheek he pinched with the back of his fingers.
He lets Suzaku laugh out a promise before he kisses the crazy's lips again.
"Listen. It's late and I'm tired, and I'm sure you're tired, so let's just go to sleep. We can continue discussing things tomorrow."
Suzaku nods, looking down at his fingers twiddling with the collar of Lelouch's short, red jacket.
"All right, we do have to get up early for school tomorrow."
Oh yeah, school: that annoying time between sleeping and running a rebellion.
Lelouch yawns, remembering just how drowsy he is.
"No, I think I'll play hooky tomorrow. It's been a long night."
What time is it anyway…?
"Lelouch, you can't skip class," Suzaku chides with another pout shaping his mouth. "Maybe if you hadn't been out so late we could have had this discussion earlier and already be asleep by now. You don't know how long I was waiting for you… Where were you, anyway? I didn't think there would be gambling matches this late."
Lelouch would feel trapped here; he would panic and scramble to form an adequate alibi… If Suzaku wasn't so naïve.
Sweet, sweet naivety. God's way of tricking the credulous into believing anything with the right finagling.
Thank you, God.
A soft hum of chuckles pops Lelouch's chest as he runs his fingers through Suzaku's hair.
"Why wouldn't something illegal take place at the shady hours of night?"
"…I guess you have a point." Suzaku approves easily despite the fretful expression. "But I wish you wouldn't stay out so late. Something could happen…"
Isn't that an understatement?
"You don't need to worry, Suzaku. Nothing happened tonight, right? I wish you wouldn't underestimate me."
Suzaku looks away with a frown, "I'm sorry."
"It's fine; I'm used to it by now," Lelouch says with a shrug although it is a terrible thing to admit out loud; but Suzaku has been successfully swayed and distracted from the topic of Lelouch's absence tomorrow, so it's not a total loss.
It stills hurts, though.
"No, I mean the way I acted tonight. I guess my hormones are just on edge, because… well, you know."
"I don't think you're far enough along to be acting…" Lelouch pauses as a curious thought strikes his mind. "How far along are you, anyway? Did they tell you?"
"Yeah I'm… five weeks."
That's a little over a month.
Eight hundred forty hours.
Fifty thousand, four hundred minutes.
Three million, twenty-four thousand seconds.
Seems like there should have been some kind of sign during all that time…
"…That's a long time."
Is it too late to…?
"Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. I feel kind of foolish since I didn't notice a change or anything that would have made me suspicious. I mean, I thought you get morning sickness when you're pregnant."
"Not all women get sick. Not everyone or everyone's body is the same. People experience things differently. But you're still pretty early, so you might get sick the longer you're pregnant."
Suzaku looks at Lelouch with a simper, "Of course."
Suzaku shakes his head, "Nothing. I'm just happy to have a smarty-pants like you." He leans into Lelouch, nestling his nose into Lelouch's neck as his arms slide around the cage of the raven-haired boy's torso. "I just realized I didn't say it."
"Say what?" Lelouch rewinds his arms around Suzaku's shoulders.
"That I cherish you too."
"Is that you or the hormones talking?"
"I don't know… I think it's fifty-fifty."
They share the mirth this time along with another kiss, parting to prepare for a rejuvenating slumber.
"Hm?" Lelouch hums as he slings the jacket over his desk chair.
"Can I sleep here with you tonight?"
Lelouch looks at Suzaku with a sentimental grin, "You don't need to ask, Suzaku."
Suzaku smiles back, immediately stripping down to his underwear and cuddling into Lelouch's bed faster than a speeding bullet would undress and cuddle into Lelouch's bed. Lelouch feels a sweat drop slide down the side of his face… So fast. Suzaku just gives him a toothy beam as he lies underneath huddled blankets. Lelouch offers a mirrored version to the inhuman boy, undressing at the speed normal people use.
"So, Lloyd's given you a physical in the past?" Lelouch asks conversationally as he unzips his pants.
They hit the floor in a soft plop, "…You didn't feel the need to tell me that your boss sees you naked?"
"It's professional, Lelouch. Besides, it is Lloyd we're talking about," Suzaku says flatly.
He gently folds his pants in half—"True, but, your sexy seahorse body is for my eyes only."—and drops them over his jacket on the chair.
Suzaku laughs, "Yes of course…" he watches that skin-tight, black turtle neck roll up Lelouch's body as it is tugged off, delighting his eyes with the pale chest being exposed to him. "But what about the boys in the locker room? I've showered after gym class, you know."
Lelouch's hair falls around his face when the shirt is pulled away, their tips pointing to the smirk curling his lips.
"I can't take back what's already been done, but I can change the future by keeping you from showering… or just keep you from even going to gym class by making you skip with me." Suzaku throws Lelouch a disapproving look as he flops his shirt over his pants and jacket, still smiling mischievously. "With a baby on the way, you shouldn't be doing strenuous physical activities, anyway."
Suzaku rolls his eyes at the boy walking up to the bed, "It's only strenuous for you, Lelouch. Good thing you're not the pregnant one, I think that the baby would kill you in either pregnancy or birth."
"Like that would ever happen." Lelouch scoffs as he slips into bed.
"Which part? Being pregnant or dying because of it."
"Both, you stupid seahorse. I don't catch, so it's impossible on both fronts," he utters out with a haughty tone, snuggling down in the pocket of warmth next to Suzaku's body.
Suzaku spoons into his side, laying his arm on Lelouch's chest with drumming fingers.
"…If I'm the pregnant seahorse, then wouldn't that make you the female seahorse?"
Lelouch doesn't hesitate to answer, "No. That would mean that I mated with a male seahorse. You change in this metaphor, not me." He stares at the back of his eyelids, putting a hand on Suzaku's to stop the thrumming.
"Hm, I didn't think you'd be into bestiality."
"And I didn't think you could get pregnant." He lobs his other arm over Suzaku's shoulder.
Suzaku laughs again, "Touché."
"I prefer 'checkmate.'" His face turns to the side and kisses the head lying on his shoulder. "Now shut the hell up. I'm tired and I want to go to sleep."
"Yeah, yeah…" Suzaku sighs lightly with an adjustment of his body to cuddle closer and he shuts his eyes.
A few breaths fill the air with their soft sounds, but it's the blaring light from above that makes Suzaku's eyes open again.
"…Lelouch, you forgot to turn off the light."
"Lelouch?" he cranes his head to look up at—
Suzaku's lips twitch into a positive bend and he pushes himself up on an elbow, gazing down at the peacefully firm expression Lelouch wears when he sleeps before he disentangles himself from the comforts the older boy and his bed. He steps lightly to the light switch and flicks it off, skipping back softly through the darkness. He carefully climbs back into place at Lelouch's side, replacing limbs where they were before he removed himself. He presses his lips to Lelouch's cheek, murmuring quietly as he rests his head back on Lelouch's shoulder…
"Good night, daddy."
What? Macaroni incident? Yes, macaroni. Cheesy macaroni (idiot, that's called macaroni and cheese).
If you find yourself unsure of what to say, than you can just put "I'D CHECKMATE THAT SEXY SEAHORSE BODY!" or "HOLY MACARONI ZERO, I'VE GONE CROSS-EYED!" and I'll take that as a compliment – seriously. And if there were any grammar/spelling/whatever mistakes you might have noticed, then you can toss that in too.
Thank you for your patronage. No refunds.