Stephenie Meyer owns the copyright to Twilight and all its characters

The original characters, plots, and storyline contained within this derivative work are the property of Brits23 and Lazykate

(Translation: if you steal it, we will send Bitey after your ass…and not in a good way)

SNARK AHOY! If you don't have a sense of humor, don't read! 'Cuz otherwise IT WON'T BE FUNNY! AU, BxE? or BxC? Just roll with it!




MAURY: Welcome back to the show! Continuing on with our "I've Got a Dirty Little Secret for You, Playa!" theme, let's meet our next guest! Please welcome Bella!

BELLA: Thanks for having me on the show, Maury.

MAURY: So, you've been dating your current boyfriend for how long now?

BELLA: Ummm, exclusively? About three weeks.

MAURY: And he was...something of a playboy before you met him?

BELLA: Oh yeah, he had a serious case of the anti-monogamies.

MAURY: I see. So, your boyfriend...

BELLA: Edward.

MAURY: So...Edward was something of a commitment-phobe? Afraid of being tied down?

BELLA: To say the least.

MAURY: But you guys are in it for the long haul now?

BELLA: I think so.

MAURY: But you've got a secret for him?

BELLA: Uh-huh.

MAURY: Well, let's bring Edward out and you can share it with him!

Edward is pushed on-set looking bewildered, although his bronze-haired fuckawesome sexiness temporarily stuns the audience into silence. APPLAUSE sign flashes on.

MAURY: Welcome to the show, Edward!

EDWARD: Thanks for having me, Maury. Edward throws an arm around Bella's shoulders

MAURY: Sooo...tell us about your relationship with Bella here?

EDWARD:'s been pretty awesome. I mean, it took me awhile to get used to the idea of doing one chick, but Bella's kind of the total package, so I traded in the plastic, blonde Oompa Loompas for a real woman!

MAURY: That's great, great. So you're totally committed to Bella then?

EDWARD: Of course I am. All that philandering BLEEP is in the past. I've got a burning case of the monogomies, and I'm denying treatment, you feel me Maury? Edward fistbumps Maury

Bella clutches at her stomach and grimaces a little at the movement

EDWARD: I told you not to eat that Mexican food before you came on the show, baby. Edward side-eyes Bella's stomach

BELLA: Ummm, right.

MAURY: Well Edward, you may be wondering why we brought you on the show today?

EDWARD: I definitely am. I know you do makeover shows sometimes, but I'm already so attractive that it would be pointless. And I've got no babies or anything since I always wrapped it up when banging the tricks of my past, so you aren't going to be laying an "Edward, you ARE the father!" on me, thank BLEEP, so what is it? Edward looks cluelessly back and forth between Bella and Maury

MAURY: Bella, what would you like to share with Edward?

BELLA: I know we always used condoms and everything but...I'm pregnant.


EDWARD: Holy BLEEP! Are you BLEEPing kidding me? A kid? A BLEEPing kid? Jesus BLEEP, I've got some BLEEPing super sperm if it can break through a whole layer of latex! BLEEP YEAH!

BELLA: Well that was...unexpected.

MAURY: So Edward, you're happy about this news?

EDWARD: I'm freaked the BLEEP out, but...yeah, I think I am. A little Mini-Me running around could be pretty epic. I always loved that Austin Powers movie. Edward turns to Bella Aww, baby, can we get the kid a little saddle so it can ride Taylor around the house?

BELLA: Ummm, NO. Edward, you're going to be a FATHER, do you get that?

EDWARD: Well BLEEP, Bella, give me some time to process this. But I'll be ready, I love you, okay?

Crowd goes awwwwwwwww

Bella looks visibly relieved I love you too, playboy.

MAURY: Well, that was probably the best response we've had on this show...any ideas for baby names, Edward?

EDWARD: If it's a boy, Carlisle for sure, after my pop. He's pretty much the most amazing guy ever, plus he'd get a kick out of having his grandkid named after him.

Crowd goes awwwwww again

Bella turns green, turns head to the side, and barfs onto the stage



MAURY: Well, thank God we can blur that out for you viewers at home, and sorry to those of you in the front row. Bella, are you feeling better now?

BELLA: Yeah, I'm okay. Morning sickness is a bitch.

MAURY: I'm sure. So this isn't the end of this story though, is it?

BELLA: Ummm...

MAURY: In fact, there's something you need to share with Edward, isn't there?

BELLA: Deep breath Yup.

MAURY: When you said the two of you had only been exclusive for three weeks...there's more to THAT story, isn't there?

BELLA: Yeah, I, um...

MAURY: You were dating another guy?

BELLA: Turns green again

EDWARD: What's going on, Bella?

BELLA: Turns really green

MAURY: Well Edward, you're aware she was "dating" another man before she committed to you, right?

EDWARD: Well yeah, but he was a chump, she picked me, that's over and done with...

MAURY: Hmmm...Bella, anything you want to tell Edward?

BELLA: Yeah, ummm...I wasn't just "dating" another guy, Edward.

Crowd ooooooooooooohs

EDWARD: Was it a chick? I could be on board with that...

BELLA: No you BLEEPing jerk, I was sleeping with the other guy too!


BELLA: And, may not be the father.


BELLA: maybekindasorta know him...

EDWARD: Bella...please, don't tell me. It can't wouldn't go there would you? I mean, he's OLD! I know he's a doctor but BLEEP, wrinkly balls and...oh that's sick! You've been BLEEPING my neighbor James, haven't you?

BELLA: OH MY GOD I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT! Attempts to yank out Edward's bronze weave


EDWARD: Step off, woman! You are the one that's been BLEEPing another dude while I've kept it in my pants and sang BLEEPing rap songs to you instead of dicking you down, and you're bitching at me? Tell me who you were screwing!

BELLA: Makes defiant bitchface

MAURY: Aaaaaaaaaaand...let's bring out...Carlisle!

Crowd is filled with a mixture of applause, boos, groans, and random BLEEPS where profanity is supposed to be

CARLISLE: Shut up! Shut up! You don't know me!

Edward stands up, staring at his father in disbelief Dad...what are you doing here? I don't understand. What's going on?

Carlisle saunters up to Bella and grabs her ass You know that kid's mine, sweet cheeks. Daddy knows best, after all.

EDWARD: Dad, WTF? You've been BLEEPing Bella? MY BELLA? Playboyward's head explodes

BELLA: Clutches Carlisle's arm Well, I knew that manaconda wasn't a happy accident, it was a product of BLEEPawesome genes! Like father like son!

Edward grabs his chair and chucks it at Carlisle's head How could you do this to me?


MAURY: Okay, seem a little this is your dad?

Edward scoffs Yeah, who knew he was such a dirty old man?

BELLA: Oh you have no idea...

CARLISLE: Winks at Bella and adjusts Manaconda Senior Look, Edward, it's not like I knew Bella was dating you while I was giving it to her daily and nightly and ever-so-rightly. When she found out she was knocked up, she came to me and told me more about the other guy she was dating, and we put two and two together. I don't know what you're so BLEEPing upset about. Either you get a daughter or son, or a new brother or sister. Either way...MAZELTOV!

MAURY: So Bella, you have been pretty quiet. What have you got to say about this situation?

BELLA: God I don't know...I mean, who could really blame me? Look at these two men, Maury, could YOU choose between them?

Audience nods thoughtfully

MAURY: I see your point, Bella, if I wasn't married to that hot piece of ass Connie Chung, I'd go gay for either one of them! But this is about YOU...what are you going to do?

BELLA: Well, if it were up to me, we'd be moving to Utah NOW so I can keep banging them both. Is that so wrong?

Entire crowd gives her the side-eye except for two Perv-Twins in the back who yell "BLEEP-YEAH!"

CARLISLE: Raises his hand I'm game. Play on, playa! Carlisle holds his fist out to bump Edward's, who just looks on in horror

MAURY: Well there's one way to find out...we'd like to have you back in nine months to find out where this all goes! Would you be willing to do that?

BELLA: Oh hell, why not.

Edward sobs hysterically, blowing his nose into the sleeve of his shirt Fine, whatever, just leave me ALONE! Edward rushes off the stage, wailing

BELLA: eyeroll

CARLISLE: munches on popcorn Oh BLEEP yeah I'll be back! I can't wait to see how this turns out! Carlisle's eyes linger on two fuckhawt Perv-Twins in the back of the audience, and makes a mental note to invite them back to the hotel room later

MAURY: Okay then, we'll see you back here in a few months, and I think I speak for all of our viewers when I say I can't wait to see where this goes!


Bella sits on stage, looking smug

MAURY: So, Bella! Welcome back to the show! The last time we spoke, you were in a relationship with your boyfriend, Edward, had just found out you were pregnant, but had to tell Edward that the father of the baby might be HIS father, Carlisle! Is that right?

BELLA: Yup, that's about right!

MAURY: So you've had the baby now?

BELLA: Uh-huh.

MAURY: And you're here for the paternity test, to find out once and for all who is the father?

BELLA: Yes! Little Carlwardella needs to know who her father is!

Screen behind Bella flashes pictures of both Edward and Carlisle, then Carlwardella

BELLA: I mean, look at that face! How can he say it's not his kid?

MAURY: Uhhh, which one?

BELLA: I thought you were supposed to tell me?

MAURY: facepalm Right, anyway, I've got the envelope with the DNA results here...

BELLA: Let's hear it!

MAURY:...but first, let's bring out both potential fathers! Edward, Carlisle, come on out!

Edward and Carlisle walk out from backstage, Edward looking broody and emo, Carlisle wearing a shit-eating grin

Perv-Twins from the first show are now in the front row

MAURY: this envelope...I have...the results...of the DNA test. We are find out...who the daddy...of little Carlwardella is...RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Insert Cialis, ambulance-chaser, and other daytime commercials here

MAURY: rips open envelope and gets strange look on face Wow! turns out...EDWARD, YOU ARE MAYBE THE FATHER! And...ummm...CARLISLE, YOU ARE MAYBE THE FATHER TOO! Apparently with you two being related, the DNA-testing can't narrow it down!'re BOTH the father?


EDWARD: deep sigh Well, Maury, it's just as well. We're already one big happy family with our little Carlwardella, living down on the compound in Utah. She's my little sister-daughter, regardless of these results. I'll be there for her! sniff sniff

CARLISLE: I completely agree, Edward. Every time she grabs my hand and says "I love you, Grandpa-Daddy" it just melts my heart...

MAURY: Oooooooookay...and how's all that working out for you, Bella?

BELLA: Oh, it's just perfect, Maury! We have a sex-schedule worked out and everything! Edward and I bang on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday, and Carlisle and I screw on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I get Saturdays off, cuz DAYUM my uber-tight vag needs time to recuperate! I'm trying to get a threesome organized, but Edward is being a pansy bitch about it!

Crowd goes EWWWWWWW

BELLA: HATERS! You're just jealous, bitches!

CARLISLE: Edward just doesn't want to get in on this action because he doesn't want to compare his little garden snake to the original manaconda!

EDWARD: Shut up, dad! That's gross! OMG, where is my little Carlwardella? She's the only reason I endure this...well, besides Bella's uber-tight vag three days a week! sadface

Crowd goes EWWWWWWWWWWWWW again

BELLA: So in the end, it's PERFECT, Maury! I'm banging two hot docs, my vag is tight, my hands are tiny, and everyone wishes they were me! Plus we have little Carlwardella, who already appears to be seven months old!

MAURY: Ummm, well...alrighty then. Anything else you want to add?


MAURY: Are you sure about that? Because...let's bring out…Jacob!

Jacob lopes onto stage wearing jorts and not much else


JACOB: Well, Bella, it all started when you sent out your birth announcements. Charlie showed me his, I took one look at Carlwardella, and I knew what love was. Jackass tears up, Bella! It's not wrong! We are meant to be!

Everyone, including Maury, turns green. Perv-Twins clutch each other, laughing hysterically in the front row.

Carlisle and Edward kick the shit out of Jackass in defense of their Daugher-Granddaughter-Sister, and security doesn't stop them, because EWWW

MAURY: Wipes mouth and tries to salvage dignity Yeeeeeah, and I think that's all for this show. Even I have standards, for BLEEP's sake. Let's...let's just cut to a preview for next week's show, okay?

CUT TO SNIPPET FROM NEXT WEEK'S SHOW: Perv-Twins Knocked Up by the Same Hot Doc! Brits is gloating while Kate looks downright pissed off, flash of Carlisle with a WTF-face. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!