A/N: This is my first fan fic. It was going to be a one shot, and then i kinda got caught up in my own lil false reality. If you like it, love it. If you don't, go away or i'll sic Jasper and Emmett onto you. ;) Thx to teishamarie, who gave me a bit of a nice kick to just do it. Go read her stuff!!! :)

Chapter One


I'd just stepped from the shower, already Jasper was showing me he wanted me, pushed up against the bathroom door, my towel dropping to the floor. Things had been incredibly hot and heavy lately, and whilst we hadn't actually made love yet, we'd certainly explored plenty of alternative activities. Jasper was mindful of me still needing sleep, even if i wasn't. Even Rose had made comment that perhaps i should take it easy a while, that i looked skinny.

Jasper had worried, it had rolled off him for days until Carlisle pointed out that it was perfectly normal for a human to lose weight. Rose simply smiled and pointed out he should be grateful I wasn't gaining weight. The relief on my part had prompted a shopping spree with Alice, and was why we were in the position we were in. I'd bought new lingerie, almost as soon as I'd shown it to jasper we'd been tangled on the bed, his hands all over me.

We were the only ones home, (inside at any rate) so when the knock came at the door of the house, we stopped like we were deer in headlights. "Jasper?" He shrugged, "I don't know. Are you expecting anyone?" I shook my head, hastily pulling on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve tee over my new lingerie. I was dragging a brush through my hair as I went downstairs to the door, mumbling about how annoying my tangles were when I opened it, my jaw, and the brush, dropping to the floor. Jasper wasn't far behind me, his voice said it all, "Edward?"

He pushed his unruly hair back across his face, and smiled at us both, "Hello Love, Jasper." I continued to stand, frozen, my hand still down by my leg where I'd dropped the brush. It may have been two years, but I wasn't ready for this. Nothing could have prepared me. Alice ran in then, her arm across my stunned shoulders, her voice soothing in my ears, I was grateful to be told what to do, "Bella? Honey, go upstairs to your room. I'm sorry, I tried to come in before...well. Just go lay down, I'll be up to help you with your hair in a little while." She placed the brush back into my hand, and I stumbled up the stairs, feeling all six eyes on me, every single step I took.


The look on her face said it all as she saw who was in the doorway. There was that ridiculous feeling of unworthiness for a few seconds, then her fear, guilt, disappointment and even the momentary relief she felt were immediately obvious to me. As much as I wanted to run to her side, I wasn't sure how Edward would react. I was grateful Alice had taken charge, told Bella what to do. She'd needed that, the look on her face said she was at a complete loss. My heart broke for her, but i kept my own face like stone, no emotion showing. I kept my mind busy as i watched her, the last thing we needed was Edward going off the deep end over Bella and I.

Now, as we sat in the living room, it was glaringly obvious. He was feeling the same as Bella's had been on his arrival, although the guilt and the fear were his strongest by far. Bella's feelings from upstairs were calmer, although I could tell she was still in a lot of turmoil. I hoped she didn't bottle it all inside like she had when he left her, that had been incredibly hard to be around, and I'd admit it had been by far the hardest time of my life.

I snapped back to the conversation when i heard Alice's voice, sharp and low, "Edward! Why are you here? She's finally over you, and now you're back?" He looked sheepish, "Alice, I should never have left. I want to speak to her." "It's a little late. She's happy now Edward." My words were as cautious as I could make them, I was giving away nothing. Alice looked at me, then spoke again, "Jazz is right Edward. Bella is finally a whole person again. Edward....this isn't okay. You can't come back here. Not to be with Bella." Edward looked astonished, "But....I....I came back for her." Alice shook her head, "You need to let go." Edward looked like he was going to argue, when I found myself speaking, "We should walk and talk Edward." I stood, walking out to the yard, waiting for him to follow.

We were deep in the woods before I began to speak, I wanted to make sure not even Alice could hear what I was willing to tell him. "Edward, when you left, you destroyed her. We all did some damage, but you....You shattered her soul." He looked at me, incredulous "No....I......she's human Jasper. She healed. She'll forgive me." I nodded, "I'm sure she'll forgive you. But she won't take you back. She's past you now Edward, she's moved on. You need to respect that, it what you told her to do." He looked hurt, and annoyed with himself, "But Jasper.....I love her. I shouldn't have left, it was a stupid, stupid thing for me to have done. She has to understand that. She loves me." He ran his hand through his annoyingly untidy hair as I spoke, "She loved you Edward, in some way she probably still does. But....not like that anymore. She's recovered, she's moved on. Don't hurt her again.....You...you can't. She won't survive it."

We kept walking, and he sighed, "But Jasper, she's human. Humans don't ever know what they truly want at the best of times. She might....she might still want me. She must still want me. I very much still want her." I sighed, he wasn't going to get it. "Edward, I really .....I wasn't going to......you should feel this.....I think...perhaps.....it's necessary." He looked at me, and i began to speak, "I won't share her emotions with you, they belong to Bella, they're hers to share if she chooses....but I will let you feel some of what I had to absorb when I arrived. I can tell you all about after you left." He nodded, and I began, my voice soft, trying to contain the need to rip him limb from limb. "Alice came back, only three months later, all on her own. She told me she was going to Seattle to shop, and somewhere along the line, she ended up here." I had to take a breath, my memory here was painful, hurting my heart, "Alice rang and told me Bella was close to death, that Carlisle must come immediately. She had barely slept for those three months.... and Charlie....Charlie told her....Charlie....when Bella managed to sleep, she'd have these horrific nightmares. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't do anything. Edward, she barely left her room, or that damn bed." Edward was hunched over, i knew he was trying to justify his departure to stop the guilt, but I kept talking, "She was a mess. When Carlisle came, Charlie begged him to admit her. Carlisle refused, he knew Bella needed to start living. The hospital was not the place for that. Once Bella understood.....once we were back.... she knew we all loved her, that she hadn't done something to make us leave.... she began to heal. It took....well.....a lot. Rosalie was the one who broke through to her eventually. For a while she was simply going through the motions; school, work, home. Occasional visits with us. School, work, home. I don't know what Rose said to her, but after that, things began to get better." I sighed, "You have to understand Edward....she thought we had left because of something she had done. She.....Edward...you had her convinced she wasn't good enough for you......she....she could have died if Alice hadn't come back." He looked at me in disbelief, and then sighed, "She can't have been that bad jasper.....Bella's strong, independent." I scoffed then, and flooded him with her emotions from the day I'd returned. It wasn't long before he pleaded with his eyes, down on his knees on the ground, "Stop..... Jasper. Please." I did, but I looked him in the eye, "THAT brother, is why you can't just waltz back in here two years after you ruined her." He frowned, "Was that you....or her?" I smiled cruelly, "The last? All Bella. Every last bit. And that was only what i thought you could deal with. Imagine....just imagine brother....feeling it all, first hand. At least a hundred times more terrifying and horrible. A hundred times more life and soul destroying." He nodded at me, "I'm sorry. I need to tell her I'm sorry...... I should never have left." I was angry now, "Too late, brother. You can't change things. You should absolutely apologize Edward, but then....I don't know that you should be here. It's up to Bella....it's her decision."

We walked in silence for longer, and then he stopped, his hands fidgeting nervously, "The nightmares?" "Charlie said she would never talk about them. When Alice got anything out of her, it was graphic, so viciously cold Edward. Some of the things she dreamt....I didn't even see those things in the southern wars." I sighed, "And the others........ in those she always dreamt variations on the same theme. She was running, trying to catch up to us in the woods. You, specifically, although we were all running there. The further she got into the woods, the further away we got. She never managed to catch up, and something was chasing her. Edward....it's taken us two years to rebuild her. Don't undo all that work. It would be cruel." I didn't add the last thought, that it would destroy me as well. My world was over if Bella chose to return to Edward.

He was thoughtful as he walked back to the house, "Do you....Jasper, do you think she'll speak to me?" I glanced up at the bedroom window, the lights were out, only the single candle on the bedside burned, a soft glow was in the room. "I think you could speak with her, yes. Tonight? No. She's already in bed." He looked up to where I was gesturing, Esme and Carlisle's guest room. It had always been meant for Bella, it was her own safe place to retreat to. Edward pushed his hair back, a gesture beginning to annoy me more than anything ever had before, and we both watched her shadow moving around the room I recognized what she was doing. moving to the bay window, her haven to read.

I pushed him then, hard, so hard it had to have hurt, "Edward, move." I shoved him towards the back of the house, and followed. "What the hell? Why did you do that?" "She's going to the window. You don't need to be what she sees when she sits down, it'll be bad enough she'll probably dwell on you all night and not sleep." He sighed, "I really screwed this up." "You did. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Even Jane couldn't punish you as much as you've done Bella. For nothing Edward. For Nothing." I virtually spat the words as i began to shift away from him. Carlisle cleared his throat behind us then, and I took my leave, "I'm going inside. Edward, I'll talk to Bella. If she'd like to hear you out, we'll be out here at lunchtime." He nodded, following Carlisle into the dark. I could only hope Carlisle would re-iterate my point to him, he was no longer welcome here.