A.N. Ok, before you completely just blow off this idea, read on…

My friend suggested I write a fic for Vulva, since David Walliams plays the part incredibly and you cant help but fall in lovee with the character no matter how much you hate… him? Her? Ill call Vulva her for now.

So I decided I wanted to write something that involved her reasons for her rather contemporary art and also the break up of her partnership with Brian.

So I came up with this. Its not very good, but hopefully you guys likee it. Its supposed to be pretty original, and I hope it is!

The sticky glue came off on my fingers as I pressed yet another feather onto the cotton military jacket. Yeah, it looked strange. You don't need to tell me that. I know better than anyone. This isn't really real, you know? It's all just an act… a mask. Speaking of which, mine is really doing nothing for my skin, so I wash it off.

It's weird. Looking in the mirror, seeing a pretty average face glaring back at me; the black gaze threatening to shatter the glass with a piercing blink. But I'm an ordinary colour. I'm not green. I'm… I'm not Vulva.

Why do I cover up my life with this enigmatic charade? Because it's the only thing that feels slightly comfortable. It's the only lifestyle I can lead without terrifying myself that ill be alone forever. Brian left me when he saw who I truly was over a bottle of scotch. Who else is going to leave? I can't let them, that's why I keep this up. Never let my guard down.

I have assessed myself over the years, and decided I am probably the most pessimistic person to ever live. Nothing makes me smile – not truly, anyway. People used to jibe "Why cant you smile? Be a little more happy! Be optimistic!"… and I cant think of anything id rather be. But my mind wont falter.

There are things that could happen that would make me more optimistic.

Flying elephants.

Free happiness.

If the cow really had jumped over the moon.

Good weather in England.

Money growing on trees.

The legends of music that had sadly passed away coming back to life.

World peace.

Me being first in line for something.

Everyone agreeing for a change.

Guaranteed love for everyone.

Brian coming back to me.

But elephants don't fly… and I don't see how they ever could, considering their size. Those ears wouldn't be enough to hold them up. Dumbo is NOT real!!! Happiness is never free, everyone wants something these days, all out for what they can get. There's no such thing as something for nothing in our generation. Cow jumping over the moon? Please. Im not even going to bother explaining the physical connotations of that one. Ok, weather is occasionally nice in England… but lets face it, 80% of the time, its ridiculously miserable. The weather mirrors my emotions. The other 20% of the time, its so hot that our residents find themselves lying in a hospital bed from heat stroke, while the rest of us run around in barely any clothes throwing bottle after bottle of water over our heads. Now, don't you dare get flaming literal on me that money does grown on trees, because its paper (A.N. Sorry, lame joke XP), because don't you think I know that? What I mean is… well, you know what I mean. And you certainly don't catch Elvis and John Lennon sharing a drink these days. World peace… now come on, that will never happen. If you were me – and I am me, so im in a perfect position to tell you this – you would know I never come first in line for anything. Im always passed over for someone else. Its demeaning. No matter how many people agree at once, there is always one person in the world that is going to disagree. No one is guaranteed love… must of us die alone and miserable. That's why I live my life the way I do… im gunna die alone and miserable, so I better live my life another way.

Brian isn't coming back.

A.N. That was pretty short, wasnt it? Short and not-so-sweet. Did you like it? I was trying to break some barriers by doing a Vulva fic coz as far as I know, there isn't any out there! And you can expect more about the smaller and completely underrated characters XD Fyi, I don't think Brian left Vulva, but I thought it would be a nice thing to add into the story. Let me know what you think! xoxo