Author's Note: I don't want any quibblings about the format; this fanfiction fits standards so far as I know, and is comparable to either a twenty-truths or 30 Ways fic (property of whoever). And besides, Gai-sensei deserves some love...
In Praise of Gai Sensei- 20 Reasons Why Chuck Norris Has Nightmares About Gai
20. If Gai-sensei were to become any more awesome, he would become too heavy for the fabric of space; and would thus collapse the earth and become the most magnificent, Youthful black hole in the known universe. Scratch that: in the universe, period.
19. Have you ever wondered why Gai-sensei has no facial hair? His amazing virility just incinerates everything that touches his skin, but for the jumpsuit and his bowl cut.
18. Speaking of which, the shining there is caused by angels who roost atop his head. It's like the Penthouse of Heaven for them. (Let us note, however, that even if he were bald, Gai-sensei would still be prime real estate. The angels would just have to pitch tents up there.)
17. Gai-sensei ate the Loch Ness Monster in a sushi roll.
16. The entirety of Kakashi's fan girl masses were all waiting in the Gai Fangirl line for so long that they got dehydrated and began to hallucinate, thinking that Kakashi was in fact Gai.
15. Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee were born when Gai spat two loogies on the ground.
14. Gai-sensei is too busy knowing everything there is to be known in the past, present, and future to be able to remember some stinking fish like Kisame. In fact, Kisame should be honored that he didn't spontaneously combust from Gai's gaze.
13. Gai can make women faint by flexing his biceps at them.
12. After Gai kicked Jiraiya in the face, Jiraiya had to take up a veil because his cheek glowed for two months, from the godly touch of Gai's sandal.
11. Transformers? Pish. Gai-sensei can become a walking toothpaste advertisement, Herculean deity, deathly ninja, or fan girl magnet. And a microwave. He makes Optimus Prime look like a non-graphing calculator.
10. Wolverine was bullied as a child by Gai, and doesn't have the guts to get revenge even now that he's virtually indestructable.
9. Sasuke really wants to kill Gai-sensei, but settled for slaying Itachi and taking down Konohagaure instead; it'll be easier.
8. Don't let NASA fool you; the Hubble Space Telescope is really a football that Gai impregnated with a Polaroid camera and kicked into the troposphere.
7. When Snow White asked the mirror who was the fairest of them all, the mirror turned to Gai-sensei and burst into flames from the beauty of his reflection.
6. Gai's chin was the original site for Mount Rushmore, but it proved impenetrable to modern tools.
5. Gai doesn't need an oven; he just stares at the food until it's molecules begin to shake with fear.
4. Michael Jackson had all that plastic surgery because he wanted to mimic our beloved Green Beast in profile. Imitation may the sincerest form of flattery, but as we know, Michael Jackson didn't even got close enough to mildly raise praise to Gai.
3. 'Amazing Grace' was, contrary to historical opinion, written by a man who's head Gai decided not to kick in.
2. Wasabi is made from Gai's wrung-out bath towels. This particular topping was spread on the sandwich that killed Mama Cass, and acted out of karmic revenge because she had just finished taking the name of Gai in vain.
1. And Gai just lets Kakashi win sometimes, to keep his 'rival' from spiraling into a suicidal it.
A/N: Please to be pressing of the purple button, por favor??? I love that sushi bit one. XD